Ouch that pokes

I groggily awoke to the prickly feeling inside me. Rudely awoken if you ask me. Being in the swirly machine always makes me dizzy and pass out for a few hours.

Ouch ouch ouch. The poking is coming from within! Oh God what’s happening?

This isn’t as bad as the time we stepped on a that thorny bush that pulled at my string. That was from outside. This feels like its coming from within. The human’s feet are usually smooth. The occasional long nail poke at only a few places. What is happening to me?! Am I still dreaming.

“Righty? Do you feel it too?” I whispered

I looked around for my partner. No where in sight. We’re usually separated in the swirly machine, and occasionally when we’re hung out separately. However we’re united right after.

Wait, whooaaa…vertigo. Why am I being suspended so far up in the air? It’s so heavy. It’s gotten way heavier that with the human’s leg. He doesn’t put that much weight on his feet. My insides are being pulled down. WHAT IS INSIDE ME? Is someone filling me with needles? I think I’m going to break.

Where is my partner?

“There’s only a few inches left empty mom, is this much rice enough?” The human was asking someone.

Rice? Are they filling me with rice? Why would they fill a travelling entity like me with rice? I met a jute bag once and he said he carried rice for the humans. He was huge, ginormous. Surely the rice I hold will be a useless tiny amount compared that!

Ouch it really pokes.

“RIGHTY” I called out a little louder. Where did it go?!

OH. MY. GOD. I’ve never felt such excruciating pain before. Like someone is twisting my very fibers

“You can’t hold in the rice with a rubber band sweetie, you’ve got to knot it up like this. It’s a pity one of them got lost. This is such a pretty design too. Perfect timing however, this will help you loads with your back ache. Go on, put this under your back and lie down”

-

R.I.P

-

PS: I can’t breathe. I can’t feel. Am I dead? I think I’m dead. Righttttyyyyyyyy

28 Days

That’s the number of days in this month

That’s also the number of days since my husband left (to go finish his studies. It’s going to be a good 6 to 8 months till we’re together again)

That’s also the number of days in the normal period cycle

Which brings us to the seemingly random question my grandmother asked me ; “Have you got your period?”

Having PMSed last week, even I was wondering when it is going to come.

I’ve also been googling the correlation between ice creams and the onset of periods. [The self-inflicted ban on ice cream having been lifted post the wedding, there might have been one too many of the said indulgence]

Well, my grandmother and I have discussed periods on many occasions. Sanitary methods used across the ages. How it used to be in hers and how it is now. We discussed it at length when my sister switched to cloth pads – from why would she bother going back to the old ages when you have easier methods available now to this fabric might be good for her cloth pads. She also knows that I like lemon water during my cramps. So my period is no stranger to her.

What was strange however was her asking me if I got it. I don’t think that has ever happened before.

I didn’t think too much of it when she asked however, as I was temporarily distracted by wondering that myself: When am I going to get it? Will it interfere with my weekend plans?

THEN it dawned on me!

The connection between her question and statements 2 and 3 from the beginning of this blog.

Hahahahahhaha!

My dear grandmother is hoping I’m preggo! She don’t care that I’ve been married less than 2 months. She’s wondering if I’ve started preparing for next stage of life already.

However, what my poor grandmother doesn’t know is that I have a 40 day cycle.

Hahahhahahahahahahah !!!

Caught in the middle

Hello

How are you?

Happy New Year!

Although almost a month of it has already passed by.

It’s also almost a month since my wedding.

I say my wedding, and not since I got married because I’m back at my parents place. No, my husband and I are very much together and very much in love. However, he’s gone back to the states to finish his studies and I’m back to living the life I got used to since August 2017.

It’s kind of strange. I want to break into a modified version of that Britney Spears song – I’m not single, Not yet married; All I have is time, this vacuum that is mine; While I’m in between.

Most of my life, I had friends not as groups, but as individuals. I’m not very good with groups. I still haven’t figured them out very well. However, all those friends either live in different cities or have children. Now luckily, I have a group of friends. A group I’m still figuring out the dynamics of and finding where I fit in. I’ve had this group for almost three years now. We’ve vacationed, partied, lunched and enjoyed a ton. Why this sudden feeling of disconnect now?

Because he just left. A week ago.

When he was here, I never needed to wonder if I will be accepted or if I will be judged. I don’t have to wonder why my opinion cannot count even for a kebab platter. With him here, I belonged. I fit right in.

Last week, after he left, when people asked me how I was, I said I was doing great. We knew how the long distance thing worked, that I was used to this.

What I hadn’t realized is that it hadn’t sunk in.

I had spent a year wedding planning, now I have no wedding left to plan. I have a void. Last year, I didn’t write, I didn’t read. I didn’t do the things I most commonly did. Now, I don’t know what to do. I feel lost, so I’m falling in the vortex of Netflix, even as I desperately scramble to not get sucked into nothing.

I need a project. I need to remember that this break is short. I need to remember that I need this short break to sort life out, clean the things I need and separate it from 20 years of childhood nostalgia. I need to remember self-sufficiency once again.

I need to focus on moving forward and not stay caught in the middle.

Lord help me.

Balance

I get married in less than 50 days.

Wow. It's finally happening.

Last weekend, I asked my dad how he was feeling about it - he for one has been waiting for this day for almost a decade, me being his first daughter and all. He said he's ready for it. Haha. So like him.

I'm not sure if he is truly ready for life after I leave, but that's just us kids, we always worry about our parents.

People ask me if I am ready for it? Am I getting cold feet? Am I nervous?

The answers are: Have been since that day last year when I stood next to him, and the only thing I felt was absolute glee. No way. And hell yes.

Why so nervous you ask? Because I am yet to sort out my reception dress. My tailor is bailing on me, and my designer friend who was travelling is now not well. This portion of my wedding is totally jinxed I tell you.

As for cold feet - not even a little bit. More than ever before (yes, despite the occasional hiccups) I know that B is the best thing that happened to me, and I for him.

A prerequisite for Catholic Weddings is the wedding class. We've been taking an online version of it, where we're assigned a mentor couple, and have chapters and worksheets and homework that is reviewed. It's an interesting experience. I enjoyed it. We learnt a lot from each other from the issues and topics the class brings up to the forefront, and we also learnt a lot more by reading between the lines.

We share the core values that really matter. And those that we don't - the other is neutral about, so it's not a problem to lean towards the one that feels strongly about something.

I love to travel, he loves to ensure that we get the best out of the place we visit.

We both love food.

...are some examples.

Importantly - we have very balanced conflict resolution styles. What makes me impatient - has him reacting patiently to, and what makes him impatient, has me patient.
[Agreed he's the more patient one amonst us 😛 ]

Last weekend I met a friend at Church after a long while. I was happily telling him that B & I have only 50 days left from our 500 day long distance stint before we meet each other again. The friend's first reaction? You guys have guts.

In my head, I realized - it isn't guts. It was the most fundamentally essential thing that made us most perfect and well balanced - We completely trust each other 😄

Amen.

#BhennyWedding
#50daystogo

Beading the Veil - Gossamer Veil Part 2

Aloha!

It's a veil. It's a piece of see-through fabric that was originally meant to cover the bride's face. Now it's rarely used to cover the face, and used more as an accessory. There - I've honestly admitted it.

Accessories however, can be a simple supporting statement to the main look or could be a statement themselves.

I wanted a simple Veil. With a little bit of shimmer of course. You probably know more about that from here.
My first experience with the Veil was when I went to a wedding dress store to try out one of their dresses, and the stylist clipped on a veil on my head to finish the look.
Boy does it finish the look!

The veil instantly upgrades a girl in a pretty dress to a Bride. 

I should have known then. I should have known that the Veil wouldn't be content being a simple accessory.

So now that I had the perfect Veil in the perfect colour, you'd think I'd be happy? Well I was, but it needed a little something more. Pearl beads.

I love beading things. I'd seen a picture of this bride with a blusher having a beaded veil, and what a pretty effect it brought. Even when it was swept back on to her dark hair, the white pearls stood out delicately. I wanted that - and I could DIY it (Of course! hehe)

So I brought out my beads, found the perfect colour and size, and stitched them onto my Veil.

Stitching each bead on was easy. What makes wedding projects amazing though is imagining and trying to predict how we would actually feel when we wear it on the D-Day. When the veil is placed on the head, behind the tiara.

Will I feel the weight of the beads?
Will it tug at my scalp - where the comb it's attached to is clipped on?
Will it clash with my dress?
Will someone step one it even before I reach the Church?
Will one of the Veil Girls pull it too hard - pulling it off my head?
Will any of these things matter then?

I look forward to the day - the only day, I will be wearing this tea dyed beaded ivory veil on my head 😊

Far away for Far too long

How long is too long?

A day? A week? A month? six? A year?

500 days.

That's how long our long distance relationship is.

1.5 years.

If you think it's long, it feels longer.

The saddest part is the forgetting. Forgetting of how he smells, or how tall he is when he stands next to me, the warmth of his hand against my shoulder. Forgetting how it feels to hold hands or be enveloped in that hug.

There are other hurdles too - time difference. Oh so confusing!! And of course difficult to find free times that overlap.

The biggest hurdle is not knowing the expression of the other person. Thirteen times out of Forteen, I have no idea what his face is saying in parallel to the words I hear, or the silences I feel. Even in the one time we video call every week, it's oh-so-easy to hide your face casually, away from the small front camera, away from the small phone screen.

We prepared for this a lot though. We made a list of 50 things we'd do together over the year to stay connected. Now I don't even remember what those things were! *Quickly refers excel sheet*
Things so random - Like no watching TV days, send snail mails, cook together, learn to make things on your own and so on.

We didn't do most of them,

We did do a few - we have a shared blog that I love, we video call at least once a week, we made pizza together once, we baked together once. That's it.

We have taken trips on our own, we did learn to make new things, read books and new skills - but not as together activities. Just as things to fill our time.

What works, the only thing that works is communication. I can't stress this enough.

In a long distance relationship, you can't expect your partner to interpret your silences or hug you when you look down. You need to verbalize EVERYTHING. It's a state where some of even what is said trickles through the sieve, unresponded to. And anything that is not said is lost to the other, for no fault of theirs.

He's a talker, it was easier for him. But talking is something I had to learn to do. Sometimes, (read most :P ) he has ten things he's started talking about when I'm still trying to verbalize one. However, we learnt through this distance to listen to each other. To be there for each other from so far away.

That was what made the last 401 days so easy. That's what's making the 99 that's left look like child's play :)

Gossamer Veil

The Veil – part 1

The Wedding Veil. A delicate thing that makes one think of words like Gossamer – words I have no clue about the meaning of. Gossamer and Fairy Dust.

When you have a long time to plan a wedding (I don’t mean the years that passed by, I mean the year and a half that I have between my engagement and my wedding) there are many things that change over time.

My dress for example, which I got months back, now has a longer train amongst many other upgrades. Wait, that’s for a later post!

When I started planning my wedding look, my veil played a very small part in it. I had decided to just get some plain white tulle, add a ribbon on the edges, and DIY it. That plan met with an immediate facelift when I found glittery tulle instead of a plan one! Yaay! [Closer to Gossamer in my head – whatever that could mean ;) ]

However, that plan was shooed away in an eye blink when I saw the most gorgeous Cathedral length Veil hanging at a shop in China. The lace work on it’s side was elaborate and so delicate. I had to have it and I got it. It was beautiful.

Only problem though? It was white.

How is that a problem? My dress is Ivory.

I bought the veil anyway, and kept looking it at it occasionally – quite the sad forlorn looks too. Because it looked like I had to go back to my glittery DIY veil again, which didn’t quite hold the same allure anymore. Not next to this ethereal lace edged veil! Oh the white!

This is where Bridesmaids come in handy. I have three amazing bridesmaids. One who’s supportive of all my ideas. One who is skeptical of them and another who is neutral. Both of them are happy with the outcomes (most of the times *wink*)

So the supportive one, bless her soul, mentioned that I could have the Veil Dyed! Voila! I could have my Veil and wear it too *imagine happy piano music in the background*. But will I find someone I would trust with my fairy veil? I did. Me! Haha. I guess you understand where the skeptical one’s skepticism comes from *evil laugh*

I actually hadn’t planned on DIYing this. Not with the gossamer veil. I started with reading blogs to see if anyone else had faced similar problems, and they had (with the internet, you can find someone who’s had a similar problem even if you’re problem is that you sprouted a tail) A few bloggers & fellow DIYers mentioned that Tea Dying a veil is an easy an effective way to dye a Veil. Interesting. Find more about it HERE.

When you Tea Dye your veil, you’re not actually dying it, but effectively staining your veil. It took a lot of courage. And a lot of praying from my skeptical bridesmaid – bless her soul!- who also ensured that I didn’t jump right to the deep end, and tested sample fabrics and tulle first. It surprisingly, amazingly worked! If she’d been there with me, and seen the brown that the veil actually looked like before I rinsed it in cold clear water – she would have probably fainted. I might have too, if the instructions hadn't clearly advised that this might happen, and to not freak out. 😃😂

My Veil is now Ivory, and matches my dress perfectly.👰

Sometimes, when I see the folded veil, it looks a lot darker, with the multiple layers adding shades to it. At those times, I calmly take it out, place it on my head like how it might fall when worn correctly, and it all feels right again. Gossamery – so to say!

The End

For now. My Veil still has some work that has to be done on it. You’ll know about it when we get to it. Hehe.

PS: No pictures are being posted here, as the boy also reads my blogs, and I ain’t taking away his surprise pals!

PPS: gos·sa·mer

ˈɡäsəmər/

noun

1. a fine, filmy substance consisting of cobwebs spun by small spiders, which is seen especially in autumn.
2. 
   

How do I feel about this? 😑