There are somethings you can’t explain

Like the love you’re already into

Never truly knowing, when it began

Knowing for certain you can always go to

I don’t know when it began

It’s been so very long

Don’t how or what or why

I just have a happy sigh

All that I have now is the warmth

The afterglow

Sometimes, little flames erupt

However true happiness lies,

In knowing that the embers are everlasting

Today, when I was almost through

Came right down to the end of the interaction

I put that last chocolatey cone of ice cream in

And remembered again

Not just the warmth,

Of love everlasting

But that happy gooey sappy smiley feeling

Of love alive

My Love affair with notebooks

I love food and I announce it often times, proud and loud.
However, that I love notebooks is a quieter thing that very few know
I am in a way ashamed of it even
Not ashamed that I love notebooks,
But that I don't love them right

I could be compared to a cruel man
Who collects gorgeous women
And keeps them locked away
Cruel, not because he doesn't love them
But because he collects them believing he would love them right at some point
And never feels any moment is special enough
For that amazing occasion

One souvenir I get myself
From almost every country I visit
Is a notebook, (or two, more like - just in case, you know?)

I have notebooks of all kinds
Tall ones, fat ones, tiny ones
Ruled...unruled
Locked, easy to open
In a box
Hard bound, spiral bound
Many pretty pretty ones

I keep them safe and neat
In my cupboard
Often finding an old one,
And spending a moment smiling at how beautiful it is
Promising it that one day, I will write something very special in it
But I become like a protective father then
Like no man is good enough
No occasion special enough to start them

I have used many notebooks
Bought them for specific purposes
And left them forgotten

So all these heartbreaking realizations later
Earlier this month,
I made a very difficult decision
I decided not to buy myself anymore notebooks
(Yes that's the sound of my heart cracking)
I followed it up with an even more difficult decision
That I would start using my notebooks
Before I get another new one
(Crushed to pieces, that's my heart)

I've even started clearing my table
Cleaning it, so only the special notebook can sit there proudly
I came to terms with not buying new notebooks for a long time

Last night,
My dad came home
he tossed a really pretty notebook right next to me
My hands itched to touch them
My eyes were analyzing them already
It however felt like a cruel joke
Like being taunted with that carrot you don't deserve
"Take it. I don't think I'll use it" He said
"Why thank you, I really appreciate it"
I let out the breath I hadn't realized I was holding in.
It all felt right again.

In Case You Were Wondering

Would I feel sad if you picked her over me?
I would
Would I stop you from doing so?
Probably not
Would I regret it?
Definitely
Would you know that I did?
No
Did I turn back to see you, as I walked away alone?
I did. From where I knew you couldn't see me anymore
Did I wish you turned back too?
I know you did. I saw your shaddow. I was watching for it to come and stop me.
Did I feel elated when you did come after me?
That shock I expressed on my face? It wasn't fear, it was pleasant surprise.
Did I feel anything at all when I sent you away again?
It broke my heart
Why would I do it then?
Because it felt like the right thing to do.
Couldn't I just let go of all the 'why not possible's and give this a chance?
I try to, everytime time I bury my face inside your hug
How can I still walk away? Let you walk away?
Because I should let you go. And cause sadness always sinks in a little later for me.

Will it at least hurt me to let you go?
I guess so. If I know myself at all, it's gonna be terrible.

Will you ever know that I hurt (too)?
I hope not.

Did I love you at all?
I always wished I could tell you that.

When the flood gates opened

She held it in for so many days

She didn’t know she could at the beginning

Then she thought she would forever

But it wasn’t going to stay bottled in

The sobs that were caught in her throat

The tears that had been brutally blinked away

All waited to gush out

An almost friend who wouldn’t fight for her

The father who blamed her for what was obviously not her fault

The patriarchy

The friend who pointed out her flaws

(Maybe he always did, but hey! Terrible timing this)

Work pressure on and off

The fights that people decided to pick just then

The grandma who was disappointed

The weight that just wouldn’t decrease, darn it!

To do lists that didn’t seem to end

The bank balance, and the salary day so far off!

Maybe any of these by themselves

Even many at a time

Might have been battles win-able

But all at the same time

Steely forge ahead, she did

Even win many an argument along the way

Pretended she didn’t care about

What she shouldn’t be caring about

But take a toll on her, it did

So then it happened

She got up to shower

Just started walking from one room to another

Some last piece of hay from somewhere fell

The floodgates were opening, she could tell

She hurriedly closed the door behind her

Out came a tear, then another

A sob escaped to become a wail

What could she do

Apart from just let go.

Played music to drown the sound of weeping

Fall against the wall, and hope it would swallow her whole

Feeling the hot tears flowing out

The bawling hurting her throat

And yet,

To cry like one’s own heart mourning

To cry like a little piece of her was crushed

Lost, and alone

Wishing for a hug

No clue about how long the sniveling would continue

Even a bit clueless about how broken she was

Because she had used all her strength

In keeping it all together

Every little piece

Even as it cracked

And some shattered

She cried because she could hold on no longer

She cried because she’d hoped someone would help her

But they all had their own battles to face

Their own pieces to hold together

Their own sobs to suppress

So she let herself fall apart by herself

Not questioning if she could put it all back together again

Not caring, not right then

She cried so her heart would stop aching

And eyes stop burning

She cried and let it all out

Did everything become alright again?

Probably not

But who cared

Right then, even she didn’t have to

And that was just fine.

She was all cried out.

And Then She Overcame

She was all of nineteen

When her world had come crashing down on her

All of nineteen

Just a girl who was a teen

Her pillar, her support system

What felt like her everything –

The one who had given meaning to her life

Had to move on to a better place

Leaving here behind here

Not alone

But it felt so, so alone

To face everything on her own

To live life in a way she’d never known

She’d thought then that life would end

The world as she had known it, had after all done just that

She had thought that happiness would be a thing of the past

Nothing she loved would ever last

And she would always stay this way – Aghast

But no

She overcame

At first, her laughter was forced

They had sounded so fake in her head

She thought cynical was the best she could do

At first, she smiled for others

She smiled to show them that she would be fine

She smiled to stop the pity in their eyes

She smiled to prove that she could

When she realized that they cared

Her smiles became sadder

For she knew that they knew

They knew that she was trying too hard

She knew that they wanted her to move on

Because they wanted her to be alright

She knew that they were right

And that made her sad

Because a part of her believed

That letting go of the pain,

Would mean that she was letting go of the memories as well

That she would be letting go of who she was

The only who she had known to be

And she would have to accept

The SHE that she would be

It wasn’t easy

It didn’t happen fast

But eventually it did

She let herself smile

Not for others,

But for herself

And before she knew it,

There was laughter

A new her

She had overcome

The sadness

She had overcome

The pain

She had learnt to treasure her memories

To hold on to them dearly

And let them make her a better person

A stronger person

And stronger also because she had overcome

-

I wrote this motivated by the "Struggled but Overcame" series contest for CBC

Would you jump in the well, if he did?!

Probably.

Man is a social animal.

We live in a world where people do the strangest weirdest things, because the society does it/ expects it of them/ appreciates it. A world where becoming an army man is seen as a thing of pride, when in actuality it is essentially standing in the line of fire. (I don’t have anything against soldiers, mind you. Because I live in a world, where one is taught to respect and admire soldiers.)

We live in a world where starvation, for as little a motivator as being thin – to fulfill the warped society’s idea of good looking , is practiced by many women, and quite a few men. Starvation, even if it sometimes leads to death. Actions that go against the most primary of instinct of self preservation. We would even go to that extent, for somebody else. Somebody who has no relation or connection to us!

A society need not be a continent, or even a nation. A society can be as few as 100 or even 10 people, who proclaim a certain culture and set of beliefs. Any group, which creates its own laws/ rules/ guidelines, no matter how detrimental to the persons of the society itself, that it might be.

So the next time, you think you’re being clever by asking “would you jump in the well, if he did?”

Well, if him, and her, and them too,

I would probably already be in the damned queue!

-

P.S: This is not a rage/ rebellion against any society/ group. As the author, I completely also agree that societies aid in the hum developmental and civilization process hugely, and do appreciate them. This is just merely an alternative line of thought.