My dear friend who is in that on-again-off again relationship,

I love you, please remember that.

Unfortunately, I haven’t brought myself to tell this to you directly (yet). I hope I get around to it.

Though I have been absolutely supportive of your relationship so far, I’m starting to doubt that decision.

You guys have been in your relationship for more than a year now. Through that period, you haven’t spent more than two full months together continually before resorting to “It’s over dude, we broke up” and consequently going on to patch up over the next week or so.

You guys should just make up your mind on whether to make things work or to just let go. Your approach of two steps forward and one step back won’t take you far. More importantly, it can’t sustain.

You see darling, if non-commitment is so easily an option for the both of you, you’re never giving time for the glue to set. Your relationship is like a beautiful vase broken to pieces, and both of you refusing to cement it as you’re just waiting for the next crack. You’re using fevistick which sticks paper at best. You can’t be in a relationship thinking “Let’s see how far this goes.” Unless you’re in for a fling, which I know you’re not, this approach will not work. You cannot test waters forever. There’s so much more to it. Keeping one foot pointed toward the exit door which is forever open will strain you, and eventually kill the relationship.

So please my love, make up your mind. Both of you. Decide to go through with it fully or give it up. Don’t be in the relationship constantly wondering how long it’ll last. It will break your faith in relationships. Don’t have leaving as an option if you choose to stay. Give it your best. Give it your all. If not, leave right away and see how to move on.

I say this because I care,

Yours always,

Someday’s Dreamer

27 - A Year in Review

Yet another year is over ...
I am now Twenty Eight years old!
I don't consciously feel it yet. But I know it has happened - know it not just from the number but also because of where and how I am in life.
The Twenty Seventh year was a testimony to that.

Prominent Achievements:

1. I bought a car - not a starting, base segment car, but a decent mid segment hatchback. FINALLY!
   AND, I've paid off the loan for it, so it's completely mine now!
2. The story I wrote got published (again, finally!) - Crystal Cacophony
   So I'm one step closer to the dream ;)
3. I switched jobs. I finished exactly 3 years with my last organization, and now I'm in yet another brilliant organization with an amazing multinational team, with a bigger scope of responsibility and getting to do all that I love!
4. I went as a Guest Speaker - to a university, to speak to a bunch of  MBA grad students.

Happy Things:

1. I have learned to drive comfortably now. (Thanks to very patient friend who helped expedite this process!)
2. I wrote and blogged more over the last year - happy to be writing a lot again!
3. I tasted some amazing yummy food - ate a lot!
4. Family, as always was there anytime needed :)
5. I have good friends - and I'm blessed to have them!

Major Regrets:

1. Having to let go of a few really amazing people who were in my life. For not being able to like/ love them as much as they did me, and the imbalance was obviously not fair on any of us.
2. No international travel last year
3. I didn't stand up strong enough for myself during a case of harassment.  
4. I ate too much :/ And didn't balance it with working out enough. 

Major Lessons Learnt:

1. Life goes on.
2. No point complaining if you're not going to do something about it!
3. If I want something, really want something, I can find it by all means available to me
4. Gifts don't necessarily buy love. Neither does good food. But Food is closer.

27

That was the year when I experienced an actual flood. Saw water surround the house. We were some of the lucky ones who didn't incur heavy damage. 

That was the year when the biggest awesome things that happened to me were almost all in my control - it made me realize that being a grown-up is not so bad after all. Being single and accomplished is something I am - something I am proud of. 

27

Personal life wise - very calm. Maintained status quo. Maybe I needed that stability there while I established professionally. And now I'm ready to make things happen in this arena as well. Maybe!

Twenty Seven ...in retrospect, you've been a good year!

You've helped me dig deep into myself to find the courage, resilience, will power and positivity to march on ahead. For that, thank you :)

Look forward to how the Twenty Eight is going to be!

Yours always,

Someday's Dreamer 

The Indian "Rape Problem"

The “Rape Problem” in India, I feel, is arising more because of the of our conservative 19^th century views of rape (Women should not be out at night, women cannot wear what they please, women instigate rape)– now being overtly voiced, and spread like wildfire in the 21^st century social mediums. The debatable and discriminatory views are giving rise to a hue and cry as a retaliation - the combination  of which constitutes our actual “Rape Problem”.

Rapes itself are a problem, I accept, but that is universal, and there India is 98^th in the world index. Not even on the top 10.

I think the Government will do a whole lot of good, and a lot more in calming the Indian mass population in general by trying to see rape for what it is: A heinous crime committed by a few twisted men. Rather than a making national issue for which women are generally being blamed for “instigating” rapes/ where women unfortunately have the need to scream out that they are not responsible for somebody trying to (or succeeding in) taking away their basic human rights in the most brutal of ways/ and now, because of which, the men are being accused of having a rape problem (Nobody saw that coming, now did they? Karma is a bitch peeps)

Dear government, 

Please take it up to calm the nation down. Please tell your leaders to never use rape as a means to their publicity – positive or negative. Tell us that you can handle this in a logical manner, without imposing irrational bans on irrelevant things.
Tell us that rape is caused by individuals, whom you will endeavor to stop/ punish. Not by a nation of men. Not because of the attitude of it's women. 

As the rain clouds gather

Hope

Such a four letter word.

There is a phrase that goes; "Damned if you do. Damned if you don't"
I can't think of anything better to describe the act of hoping.
Around a few weeks before my birthday of this year, I did something. The result of which I knew I would find out around the first week of June this year.
During that 1.5 month period, I had to do 2 things.
1. Have 0 hope, because if it doesn't work out, I should be ready for it
2. Not be completely hopeless and give the universe wrong signals

Crazy right?
But I pulled through, mainly because I had a clear dead line. The only thing that I had to keep reminding myself was to be patient. I also stopped writing my diary during that period...because I didn't want the opposite of point one or two to reflect in what I wrote.

Ah well, I chugged along and finally got to D Day.
It came.
There was a brief moment when my heart beat really fast. But after the initial rush, it was totally normal. I got through the day sane. Not thinking about the end of it, when I'll know the big result. It went almost perfectly. A little too perfectly.
And then it was time for that... the results were announced.
It didn't work out. I lost.
A big part of me couldn't comprehend how it could have slipped right through my fingers, when everything seemed so perfect...but that part also knew that things like these happen, and that's why I had kept telling myself not hope. But I guess I had hoped after all.

I even had theme songs picked out. For winning and losing.
Though it didn't feel as intensely sad as it did in the song, I was sad, angry and hurt.
But I accepted it.

I could continue my life with all it's normalcy, wondering if I could ever hope again that is....
And then the next morning it rained.

Hoping is like the rain clouds gathering.
It becomes very dark....and you can never be too sure if it'll rain or just blow over.
But when it does, it's beautiful.
That's when I realized that I could never stop hoping.
It might even be humanly impossible.
It is necessary for the rain clouds to gather if you want rain. Though, many times it may not rain near where you are. We will see our fair share of rain. Which will be followed by brand new beginnings.

So now, I wait as the rain clouds gather, to wonder if it will rain where I am next :)

Across the silver moon

The new year is here
All my plans are clear
All but the biggest one
From which Ive wanted to run
Now it is time to stop
Take a look at what could show up
Right?
Yup!

Life has been pretty good so far in 2014. Apart from silly mood swings, and decisions I didnt think I had the will power to stick to being made ~ its pretty good!
Stay calm motto helps ;)
Im being a lot more cautious of certain things...
And trying to be laid back about many other... I m really starting to wonder if nagging is in my gene! Hehe. I hope it isnt.

Thats all for now. Just a random update to let you know that all is well in 2014!

Love
More of the realist!

Broken Memories

All my bags.... or my bag is packed, and I'm ready to leave. Almost.
For someone who used to take pride of the fast that she was a fast packer, and a thorough one at that - I felt  sloppy today. Like I've suddenly lost my touch.
I've travelled quite a bit in the past one year, and have a million miles yet left to cover.
Was it just the packing?

How can almost two months, that felt so heavy with moments and memories be suppressed so easily?
Is the possibility of that rational?
Sane?

Just defence?

Don't know.

Will let you know if the concrete with which it has been covered, moulded and sealed away ever cracks... and if anything leaks through.
And when it does, I want these dates to be sealed away with it.

3rd May....9th....12th....17th.....26th.....June 11th...12th...
June 29th...
July 1st...3rd....4th

62 days.

Felt like 62 weeks

Feels like 62 seconds

A Smile in the corner of her lips

heyyyy

been a while

I'm all happy happy now... I don't know why.
You know that feeling? When you are are amused with random things, little flutters, smiles playing around with no strong reasons?
Not like the blown out happiness of being in love, but of the little excitement of almost being in love.

It's a beautifully sweet feeling.

Before you make assumptions, I do not have anyone I am falling in love with. Not even a strong crush at the moment. I am just loving where I am in life.
Making little discoveries, being interestingly surprised, learning more about myself by the theory of relativity. Has the last thing ever happened to you? Have you ever found out something about someone and gone : "Hey, she's all that, despite that, so I might be/ could be/ am all that too! Probably?:"

Someone recently told me that I am more of an American than an Indian. She was an American herself. And I told her, that I prefer to not be tagged with any particular nationality. I'd rather just be like culturally lost child, who by not belonging anywhere specific can belong everywhere. How awesome would that be? I already know at least one person like that. She's one of the most un-belonging person I know. And having the most fun.
How many of you read the last bit and went "Hey, me too!"
Becoming a global individual is becoming more and more common these days isn't it! :)
Good for us.

I still have an old button phone though :P

That little happy feeling

I have a target ... June July... before that though, I need to ask my cousin something. If I can reach her soon enough.

Leaving you with no answers,

As always,

Someday's dreamer

On a cusp

It's almost the midnight of 20th December 2012. We're two minutes away from 21.12.12, the day the world was prophesied to end.
I know it's not going to, my brain knows that it is a ridiculous idea. But my heart? It believes. Rather, it wants to believe. There is something so poetic about things like the world coming to an end, that makes me wonder what if. Will I regret anything? I'll regret regretting, so I shan't. It's funny...I'm typing super fast, so that I can hit on the 'Publish' button, just in case something starts to happen. Hehe. Its strangely a fun feeling.
Of course I'd rather it happen after 8 hours. Considering that the 2 people I care for most in this world aren't home right now, and are expected back only in the morning!
I've already packed for my trip tomorrow, but I haven't started studying for my exam a week from now. *Keke*
I guess tomorrow same time, when news reports of nothing majorly catastrophic turns up, and I'm sitting curled up in the bus, the biggest thought on my head would be "Damn, I have an exam coming up!" ;)
Nonetheless, if. IF.
If the world does end today (It's here! 21.12.12) I think I am happy about the life I've lead, and am glad I'll get to join my mum again :)
I didn't think I would have such a simplistic approach to death. And more of a curious interest in the end of the world. Nonetheless, I'm glad I now kind of know that I either lived big enough to be satisfied with it, or small enough to be content with it. A world of difference between the two, but I'm too eccentric to tell the difference for myself.
If we live to see another sunrise, I hope y'all had a time to rethink life a bit and get ready to start living again!
I for one, have...will have... an exam to ace, a book to publish, a relationship to explore, a temper to deal with all over again and a job to find! Phew!

Somewhere I belong

I'm here.
I suddenly had this urge to comeback here. Where I completely totally fully belong :) Here which is mine!

I've been thinking a lot about how it works. The whole marriage thing. My dad occasionally jokes about a January wedding, and I normally play along.
You know how the thought process has two surfaces right? One where you react to a stimulus as though it is a random scenario, and two, the deeper one, where you connect it to you and react to it - like you would if it really happened. Since my dad is mostly just kidding, I know that I just have to play along, but occasionally I wonder - what if they suddenly do find somebody and there is a January wedding? Then I'll need my entire bank balance to run away and stay in hiding for 6 months or so! There is no alternate to it.
Anyway, it won't happen. So it's ok. But you know, just in case!

This world is a funny place. My aunt and uncle came visiting yesterday. The entire time uncle spoke to me, he was telling me seemingly opposite things - You should pick the one you marry, and get married after you really know him, and that I should get married completely. Also, 2 months before engagement, then a year before the wedding, but once engaged, shouldn't break it off. When I argued that a 1 year before engagement and 2 months before wedding will make more sense if that engagement rule is so strong, he was against it. I gave up and went to my smile and nod mode.

By the way, I told you I'm working on a book right?
It's a decent set-up and all that, but this one won't become ridiculously famous. Like the one(s) I eventually want to write. I was just thinking, even if I do use an alias - with the internet and all, will you (bloggy) get discovered? Do I want that to happen?
If it happens na, you and I understand each other, but will others do?
What if, like meesa they decide that I'm "really hurting inside" and bring me tulips? I'll want to punch them. Chincharoo.

This society is kind of strange you know? I know all societies have quirky bits. Here, my dad doesn't tell any of his friends that his daughter is jobless. I am! And I'm quite cool with it :P He tells them either that I am studying (Which is technically true, I am doing my masters) or that I'm writing a book (Something I dont even want to tell most of MY friends about!). Why am I pulling society into this? Because, had I been married, and sitting at home joblessly, no one will even ask "What is your daughter doing?"
Being married is by itself a big thing I guess? Double standards though.
I'm not liking this! Tut tut tut.
Anyway, recession is fully on, so as far as I am concerned, perfect time for me to take my first book break, and see how far I can go as a serious writer. I'm really loving writing! Even when it became something I considered as a possible source of income, I still love it. I write on sundays, I think about it at 2 AM. Loving it is in fact an understatement!
Only thing worrying me, is that the idea for the next book hasn't come yet. Hope it just pops up one day concretely, like this one did!

Another thing happening to me is I am becoming very distractable. Even when I'm talking to someone, it feels like just that one conversation is not enough. So I think about something, or start noticing things in the environment. I'm not liking this :( I really really want to be able to give 100% attention when I am conversing with someone. Anyone. I love it when people do that, and I want to too. Its probably all the colour that I keep watching. Hope I learn to focus more!

Tons of other things are happening to various people in my life. It doesn't directly affect me, most of the time. But it does, it changes the way I react to certain things. I'm really glad I am where I am though. I might not have been a while ago, but I am now.

AAhhhhhh! This was good :) I missed this little random me times I can have here. By the way, the climate's finally becoming better. It's cooling down :) Rains are on and off ... off for now. But no complaints.

Love to all !
Ta :)

P.S: I've been thinking about you mummy! A lot lately. Paati too.We miss you :)
She wants me to dedicate the book you. Which I am anyway going to. Obviously.
Hope you're happy where you are.
The throat still closes up when I think about you, silly thing.
I'm drinking milk everyday, without sugar, so it smells like the morning you.
I'm cooking more too. Apart from the amout of chilli powder to add, I'm able to learn the rest quickly-ish.
Aaaaahhhhhh miss you. Wish you were here.
Come in my dreams!
Love you :)

How do you know

Dear everyone,

How have you been?
Is it raining where you are?

I watched a movie yesterday, 'How do you know' (Yup, that's the name of the movie) ... I think it is supposed to be about - How do you know if you're in love. The movie itself felt like a trailer to another movie with a stronger story line.
But the question is an interesting one don't you think?

How do you know you're in love with someone...

:)

I heard this somewhere...

You know you're in love with a certain someone if you think about that person first, the minute something really good or really bad happens.

You want them to be the first ones you share your happiness or sadness with.

Pretty simple, straight forward, sure fire indicator na!

Next time you have a doubt, just check if these 2 aspects fit.
~

Honourable mention to the WHOOOAAAA climate, the darkening clouds, the wind that's picking up, and lightning and thunder that are playing hide and seek with me. And best of all, the rain that might come soon.

Wishing I were at the beach, with chocolate ice cream when the first drop hits the sand,

Yours ever,

Someday's dreamer.

Kimchi Smile :)

"Don't I know you from somewhere?"

Probably the cheesiest first liner right?

That was the first thing we said to each other.

I can remember it like yesterday,

It feels like light years ago.

So much has passed in between

So much we've grown

Long long ago,

Back in those days,

When we were still new to each other,

Probably the first week

I was sitting next to her,

And she was at the edge of her seat

Wishing desperately, that she was along the beach

Stopping someone from jumping into the sea.

Well, you can imagine what my first impression was

It was plain: 0.o !!!!!!!!!

Then we got to know each other a bit better

The next thing I remember about her is Tang.

There's always tang when I go to her place.

Funny thing to remember right?

The 2 years in between

When I was away

We kept touch in sporadically

One would expect a little rift

But it was was weird

It wasn't that distance made the heart fonder

It was the bridges we built that made us closer.

She forces me, and drags me to doctors (not an easy thing I tell you)

Yet, she's the one I call when I feel unwell.

She can scare the hell out of me.

When I'm down, and don't wanna talk, I can go and listen to music with her.

We dress up. We're girly girls. We're badass. 

Every time you ask her "How are you?" I get a super cheery "I'm fine! How you?"

I'll know she isn't, it used to bug me before, now I know she'll talk when she's ready.

She's the one who succeeded in converting my almost all black wardrobe to the now colourful one.

We write... with our own styles.

We deal with life... in our own ways

Our priorities... quite different. Except for maybe: Family first.

Our sense of humor... quite similar

Our tastes ... first strikes as very different, but we end up rating the same. (Doesn't make sense unless you experience it :)

She's the one who looked at my orange shoes and went "oh so cute!"

She knows when I like someone, before I do. (It's super creepy I tell you)

We're so alike, and we're so different ... like 2 sides of a coin. In perfect harmony.

We've never gone through the same bad phase at the same time, but it has never hampered with our empathy for each other.

We all have a whole bunch of friends

A variety of them

To each of our friends, we are different

Our interactions our different

Some you meet and laugh about every silly thing

Some you can talk to 10 times a day, and still have something left to talk about

Some you can call and say "I'm crashing at your place tonight"

Some you can stay out of touch for months and years, 

         call back and talk like you've never been apart

Some who have exact taste in music as you

Some who get your movie comments and jokes

Some you can go shopping with

Some you can go on long lazy walks with

Some you can discuss your crushes with

Some you can discuss your hobbies with

Some you have looooong philosophical discussions with

Few you can cry to

Few you dream with

Few you can comfortably sleep talk with

Few you can tell your deepest darkest secrets to

Few you can read your random poetry to

Few you can have hour long conversations with, covering topics with a range that most universities wouldn't be able to! 

Few, you think about when something absolutely ridiculous happens, and you know only they'll appreciate the humour in that situation.

Very few you can share your paranoia with,AND be understood.

And a precious few who can accept you completely.

(Except maybe when you're wearing washed out brown :P )

We all have acquaintances, friends, good friends, best friends and soul mates.

I know we might have felt all this towards different people at different points of time.

Some for longer. Some shorter.

Do you know the feeling when you're in a party and you know absolutely no one?

To the extent that you wonder if you came to the wrong one...

You make small talk. You smile.

But you feel all alone, and wonder what on earth you're upto over there.

Then someone enters

and waves at you from all the way across the hall, trying to catch your attention.

You look, a smile spreads across your face.

You weave your way through

and it feels like you belong in the party now.

You're in the right place after all.

[Kimchi smile for every moment when you remember someone randomly, and just that memory makes you smile. Smile a kimchi smile, that leaves a residue smile on your face as you go about the rest of your day. Just like the comfortable taste Kimchi leaves behind.

Kimchi cheers :)]

My Dearest Li'l one,

How are you?

You with hands so tiny, you need both of them to cold your bottle, and all your strength to drink from it.
You with trust so great, that my little finger is enough to make you feel secure.
You with a smile so open it can make the hardest heart feel happiness.
You so tiny, all set to explore the world.
The world, your world filled with strange giants.

If you like someone, give them a hug with your little hands.
Hold on tight and never let go.
Kiss them too.
Smile a lot and laugh a lot more.
If you want to cry, cry.
Don't let anyone get mad at you for crying, especially me.
And if I'm not doing it already, hold me when you cry. It feels better to do so on a shoulder.

I know you'll trust me enough to repeat anything I say, as loud as your little voice will carry it. Remind me to teach you to say 'I love you'. Say it as many times as possible, and to as many as possible. 

If someone tells you that they love you, tell them that you love them too. At your age, I know you will with all your heart.

Play in the sand,

Dance in the rain, 

Sing off key with all the words wrong at the top of your lungs

Eat with both your hands,

Chase ants

Scribble on all that you find

Smear chocolate all over your face

Draw on the walls

Sleep 14 hours a day.

You might never get to do those things in a few years.

Expect me to pay more attention to you, even when I say I'm doing something, and don't ever forget that you are more important to me that anything else.

Don't be afraid to scrape your knees, I'll take care of them for you, and they heal.

Climb as high as you want to, as long as I'm there, I'll keep you safe.

There are a thousand more things I want to say to you,

Ten thousand ideas on how to be the perfect mother,

Millions of doubts and fears about the same

And a billion things I want to do with you.

Love you with all of my heart,

Yours always.

P.S: Penning these thoughts down now, in case I forget them in the flurry when you come.