One of the cool things we are taught to do when swimming is to jump into the deep end of the pool. Not dive. Just jump, leg first, body straight.
We go straight down till we touch the ground - holding our breaths, then we automatically kind of pop up - like a balloon held under water. Once we pop up, we've got to continue swimming.
I love this jumping thing.
The first few times I kind of fell on the water instead of jumping, and I was also keeping my eyes shut. The masters kept telling me to keep my eyes open - I was wearing goggles anyway! That's when I really started enjoying this.
You have to let yourself really be aware of the process to feel it. You should consciously not let it be a blur. Then you will catch what my favourite moment is - the part where you give the outside world the slip, and get under water. Then the light is different, things slow down under water, your body feels different, and for that brief moment, you're a creature of the water. You land on the floor, hand floats a little.
Then, it speeds up again and your body rushes you back to the outside world in one fast swoosh, and you got to swim like land-lings again.
It's beautiful and liberating. It's out of this world and into another. Just for a brief moment.
Showing posts with label Memories. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Memories. Show all posts
Jump
Thursday, March 22, 2018
Breathing was the ONLY skill we never had to learn. It's the first thing we do when we entered this earth. Some of us did it easily, some with a little fuss, but we all did it.
When something is easy, we say it comes as naturally as breathing.
Now I have to relearn breathing - and my entire head it revolting at the idea!
Every time I jump into the water, it's natural instinct for my mouth and eyes to shut tight - and nose to suffer with the consequences of that!
Rewind to two weeks ago, when my friend was saying how great learning to swim is!
It's always been on my list, there were classes at a time and location that is quite comfortable for me, and it seemed like one more perfect thing to check off my list before I turned 30!
So I joined last week. The first 4 days were brilliant. They were blissful. Float keeping me a float securely, I just has to move my hands and legs to go forward in the water. It felt almost effortless. Towards the end of class 4, one master after jokingly asking me to try floating with a float, actually helped me do it. So easy!
I was so wrong!
Enter class 5, couple of laps, and my normal master goes - "Let's take off the float now"
Luckily for me, I wasn't alone. I had a friend (A friend of the friend who suggested we join swimming classes). We were both in initial classes, and at the same level.
"Float across width of the pool" the master suggested. "I'll be at the centre to push you along, don't worry"
Beginners luck long gone. Yesterday was when I found that I'd forgotten how to breathe.
I later realized that I hadn't forgotten to breathe, I was too stuck with my old way of breathing, that my body was absolutely rejectly the idea of trying the alternate breathe-through-the-mouth method. In my body's defence, it rejects the alternate idea even when I have a cold - which has had be waking up breathless in the middle of the night multiple times. [Said out loud, I realize how silly it be-s]
However, sputtering and gasping for air, we both made it across the width of the pool. Each of us feeling like we did worse than the other.
About three times into that, and the master said ok, go to the ladder and climb out.
Had we done so bad that we're getting evicted from the pool? Can they do that to us in the fifth class after we've paid for thirty classes?
Those thoughts and doubts were shortlived. After that moment, we were actually wishing that we'd just been evicted instead.
When something is easy, we say it comes as naturally as breathing.
Now I have to relearn breathing - and my entire head it revolting at the idea!
Every time I jump into the water, it's natural instinct for my mouth and eyes to shut tight - and nose to suffer with the consequences of that!
Rewind to two weeks ago, when my friend was saying how great learning to swim is!
It's always been on my list, there were classes at a time and location that is quite comfortable for me, and it seemed like one more perfect thing to check off my list before I turned 30!
So I joined last week. The first 4 days were brilliant. They were blissful. Float keeping me a float securely, I just has to move my hands and legs to go forward in the water. It felt almost effortless. Towards the end of class 4, one master after jokingly asking me to try floating with a float, actually helped me do it. So easy!
I was so wrong!
Enter class 5, couple of laps, and my normal master goes - "Let's take off the float now"
Luckily for me, I wasn't alone. I had a friend (A friend of the friend who suggested we join swimming classes). We were both in initial classes, and at the same level.
"Float across width of the pool" the master suggested. "I'll be at the centre to push you along, don't worry"
Beginners luck long gone. Yesterday was when I found that I'd forgotten how to breathe.
I later realized that I hadn't forgotten to breathe, I was too stuck with my old way of breathing, that my body was absolutely rejectly the idea of trying the alternate breathe-through-the-mouth method. In my body's defence, it rejects the alternate idea even when I have a cold - which has had be waking up breathless in the middle of the night multiple times. [Said out loud, I realize how silly it be-s]
However, sputtering and gasping for air, we both made it across the width of the pool. Each of us feeling like we did worse than the other.
About three times into that, and the master said ok, go to the ladder and climb out.
Had we done so bad that we're getting evicted from the pool? Can they do that to us in the fifth class after we've paid for thirty classes?
Those thoughts and doubts were shortlived. After that moment, we were actually wishing that we'd just been evicted instead.
We were invited oh so sweetly to just “take a seat” by the edge of the deep end of the pool. My friend was busy voicing the thoughts that were screaming in my head “Please please don’t ask us to jump in here. We’ll drown. We’ll sink right to the bottom! It’s just the fifth class! I’ll die!”
Before I joined, my friend said "When you go, blindly follow what the instructors say. Don't tell yourself you know better" - At what cost, an imp in my head questioned.
The masters laughed sweetly and said “Just sit ma” Oh the endearments. Never trust the endearments!
“Now take some deep breaths”
“Ok. Please don’t ask us to jump” was that a quiver in our voices? Most definitely.
“It’s okay. Just breathe”
I’ve always known that water has the ability to clear our head. My snorkeling experience is still the most serene memory I ever hold. I was about to find out that water can wash our brains clean. Lol.
“Now jump”
I want to say that we either bravely or obediently just jumped. But no. We sat, we shivered, we pleaded with our eyes, hoping they’d change their minds. No luck. Finally, I decided to get it over with.
One deep breath. It became a prayer. Lungs and mouth filled, and splash.
The nose tried desperately to do what used to be so easy – to just take in oxygen and breathe out carbon di oxide. What went in was not air. What went in was a shock of water that seemed to fill your skull with the only objective of chocking and drowning the brain. The hands and legs moved. Not as they were taught to – it was a primal tune they danced – just to stay afloat. Just to stay alive. The mouth and eyes shut tight – another primal instinct? I never knew we had these.
When I did finally manage to bring my head up to the surface, it was only long enough to blow out all the water in my orifices. And before I knew it, before I was ready for it, I was back under water, cursing it as it went to attack my brain once again.
Some distance voice – from within my head? From outside? Shouted – instructing me to keep my eyes open. I opened them. Just water everywhere. This helped though, it didn’t feel like I was being water-boarded in a black hole anymore. It also helped me see the ladder not too far away. I desperately reached for those. When I did reach them, and held on for dear life, I could feel the water draining away slowly.
“I’m ready to go again” I heard my mouth say.
Friday, December 15, 2017
There are earthquakes, prime ministers and presidents rocking this world.
However, here I sit, quietly mourning two trees a hundred miles away, that stand no more.
My home in most of my dreams, almost till just a few years ago is the not house I stay in now - where I've stayed for the better part of the last fifteen or so years. It's my grandmother's house where my sister and I have spent almost all our summer holidays. Through my schooling days, Christmas or Summer meant a long vacation spent in the sprawling one storey house with a roof top that was the perfect place for run and catch, badminton, star gazing, watching the sun set, hopscotch, ... we were young and the possibilities were endless.
The house also boasted of a small water tank that doubled up as a kiddy pool, which we did grow out of - and an amazing garden.
The best part of the garder were two huge- and I mean Huuuggeee Chikku trees. We've climbed them, we've relished its fruits for days, we've played endless games with the seeds of the fruits and we were more under the shade of those trees than we were inside the house when the sun was up.
It was under those trees that we were fed – distracted by the music of birds.
It was the sound of a mynah that sat in those trees that my mother could perfectly emulate. We’d listen in awe and ask her to whistle that little tune over and over again, wondering how she ever did it. Trying in vain to copy her, having only air blow out, no matter how we tried to twist our lips and mouths.
When my sister was still a baby, and I was quite small, my grandma used to tie two sarees to the branch of one of the trees - the one closer to the side entrance of the house. We would both have a swing each. The saree was then padded with a layer of seat cushion and we would lie in it. My mother or grandmother would tie a rope to the two make shift swings, and keep tugging at the from where she sat – swaying us gently.
It was in the shade of that tree that I had my first and only pet – a little baby chick, which was stolen away by an eagle from the shade of the same tree. I cried for days.
As we grew, it was under those trees that we played house – with miniature kitchen utensils, big hopes and friends from all around the neighbourhood. As we grew, make shift swings of cloth couldn’t hold us anymore. The sarees tore and gave way. That sadness was shortlived however, as our grandmother knew our priorities and had a big sturdy table converted into a swing.
This swing was like a boat for us. Tied up to a tall branch of the tree by four strong iron linked chains, we could both now swing at the same time. We grew leaving behind kiddish things like playing house, and moved on the board games that we could play right on the swing.
The swing would make a rhythmic tung-tong noise – hearing which meant that the swing is in motion and the other is to join immediately.
This big swing was wide and strong enough to even hold my mother and grandmother at the same time. Those fat chains could easily support us as we leant on it. Three of us would sit there playing UNO or Bluff for hours.
Some afternoons, we’d nap on it – it had cushion and life was perfect.
It was on that swing one of those swings that I first fell in love – with Mr.Darcy, and more importantly, with reading itself. My favourite authors changed from Jane Austen to J K Rowling to L M Montgomery, but the love for the swing never changed.
However, time went on, life got in the way, we stopped going back there for holidays so much. The swing used to always be there on the tree for us, as long as we went back with my mother to her childhood home.
Eventually, the holidays spent there became just long weekends spent there. One day she passed on … we took her back there from the city we lived in, and after everything was done, I remember sitting on those steps that she used to sit in and wonder why they had taken down the swing. The trees were still a comfort, and a familiar climb – so I could find a big branch to climb on to.
More than ten years have passed since then.
The house changed in a million ways, that I almost don’t recognize it anymore. But the trees were as familiar as breathing. As close as last year, when we’d gone there, my sister, father and I were all climbing and hanging off those branches continuing like we always used to.
Last Monday, I found out that those trees were no more. I’ve been trying to write this since then, but I needed to tribute the happy parts and not just mourn their loss.
Out of the many things we take for granted, and only remember when we’ve already lost them and it’s too late – those trees will be. A childhood under those shades and the wind made softer by them.
I’m glad they were a part of my life. I didn’t realize how important a role they played till now. I hope every child in the world has a tree to play around.
Monday, September 11, 2017
Occasionally, I go to office on my scooter. A couple of those times, at a Subway close to my home, I’ve spotted this really wrinkly old man – pushing his rickety old cart up. The first time I saw him, he was struggling to push his cart. Despite his cart being mostly empty, he is old and mostly bones, and was really putting all of his might into it, and yet moving only a few feet per minute.
The first time I saw him, after a brief internal discussion, I turned left at the signal (instead of going straight) parked my scooter, and went (walking against the traffic) to help him drag his cart up. The entire time I was pulling (he was pushing from the other side) he kept saying “Paravalla ma” “Naa pathikraen ma” and “Thanks ma”
Sometimes, when I stop to help someone, or even see someone like this, I wonder; It’s their job, they choose to do it, so maybe they should be fine? They probably won’t find someone to help every time, so why help occasionally – it probably doesn’t make a difference anyway!
Like once, my boyfriend and I spotted and old man looking obviously lost on the street, with 2 big bags. We helped him get in the car after asking him where to go. “The big gate, near the turning, at the corner” were his directions. We took him right to the corner, found the big gate, helped him get off. As we – a very satisfied couple, turned the car, he was still standing outside staring at the gate. We asked him what was up and he looked even more confused than before, and said, that doesn’t look like the right gate. Worried now, we helped him get in again, and turned out that the gate he was looking for was a mere metres from where we’d picked him up. Close to the turning we were supposed to take. He’d mentioned corner, and we’d assumed corner of the road we were on. Since then, I’ve been a bit wary of helping old people especially. They’re not the clearest when articulating what they want sometimes.
Last Wednesday, I saw him again. This time, his cart was overflowing, and he was panting and his toothpick sized legs were really struggling. If he’d moved feet earlier, this time, he was moving inches. He had hardly come up 1/3rd the bridge through three traffic cycles. So, I parked my bike again, and went to help him haul it up. This time, there was no protest from his side. He was obviously too tired and glad to have any help. This time when we reached up and turned left, he gave the happiest wrinkliest smile ever, and told me a “Romba Thanks ma”. I was glad that the decision of my internal discussion was to stop and help him, even though I’d been hungry.
I realized then that it doesn’t matter if it’s their job. Or, if they may not find someone to help them everyday. Maybe God sends us along to help them when they need that extra boost.
Today, on my way to work, on my scooter again, I was crossing a bus stop, when a lady waved me to stop and said “Please drop me at the end of the road” (in Tamil) The road is on my way, and a good 3 km stretch. I stopped, she handed me a plastic bag and requested I keep it in front – I hung in on the little storage holder hooks provided in scooters. When it was time to get off, I gave her the plastic bag back. She opened the plastic bag and asked me to pick one of the little pouches inside. “My daughter is getting married” she said with pure pride and happiness that only parents can express. “These are sweets for that.” She beamed and hurried away. Sputtering out a congratulations, I looked happily at the pouch with three ladoos in my hand. My Monday was made!
Wednesday, May 10, 2017
"It was around this time, 10:45 pm when father and daughter were happily watching TV" my grandmother remarked out of the blue, as I took some water to her.
"Father? Daddy is sleeping in his room" I said, confused.
"Not your father. Your mother's father"
My grandpas - both of them- had passed away when I was very young. Mom's dad when I was 4 and dad's when I was 2, so they mostly don't figure in my mental recreations of the past.
Then it struck me - twenty-nine years back, she must have been pregnant. Very pregnant!
"And then?" curiosity now piqued.
"And then it was time to go the hospital" [Oh the subtle ways of saying 'Water broke'] She continued; "The car driver had long gone home. We found an auto with great difficulty. Bundled everything up, and off we went to the hospital."
"She had labour pains from around this time till 7:20 in the morning, till I was born?!" Holy crap, how did she ever love me after that!
"Oh no. We got her admitted. And she lay peacefully till morning. The pains started slightly around 5:00 am, and you were born by 7:20" Ha! I knew I've always been nice and considerate like that!
She seemed satisfied with recollecting just that much of that memory, and I've heard the part after that many time, so I let her go to sleep. It was late for her :)
-
I walked over to find my dad deeply engrossed in WhatsApp videos. Those are his current obsession.
In a while though, he looked up suddenly and went "This time, 29 years ago, I was getting on a bus from Trichy to Tirunelveli. You were born by the time I reached"
I guess they didn't have super fast, or even fast busses back then. Heh. It was funny how both of them decided to be nostalgic at the same time.
"When I reached," he continued, "All the grandma grandpas were already there. And you were also there!"
Yaay!
-
I called my sister a little after that. She certainly didn't have nostalgic moments/ memories to share from that night 29 years ago. If she did, that would have been a tad creepy 😂
-
It's wonderful how memories not our own but of us are so precious sometimes :)
Happy Birthday to me ;)
"Father? Daddy is sleeping in his room" I said, confused.
"Not your father. Your mother's father"
My grandpas - both of them- had passed away when I was very young. Mom's dad when I was 4 and dad's when I was 2, so they mostly don't figure in my mental recreations of the past.
Then it struck me - twenty-nine years back, she must have been pregnant. Very pregnant!
"And then?" curiosity now piqued.
"And then it was time to go the hospital" [Oh the subtle ways of saying 'Water broke'] She continued; "The car driver had long gone home. We found an auto with great difficulty. Bundled everything up, and off we went to the hospital."
"She had labour pains from around this time till 7:20 in the morning, till I was born?!" Holy crap, how did she ever love me after that!
"Oh no. We got her admitted. And she lay peacefully till morning. The pains started slightly around 5:00 am, and you were born by 7:20" Ha! I knew I've always been nice and considerate like that!
She seemed satisfied with recollecting just that much of that memory, and I've heard the part after that many time, so I let her go to sleep. It was late for her :)
-
I walked over to find my dad deeply engrossed in WhatsApp videos. Those are his current obsession.
In a while though, he looked up suddenly and went "This time, 29 years ago, I was getting on a bus from Trichy to Tirunelveli. You were born by the time I reached"
I guess they didn't have super fast, or even fast busses back then. Heh. It was funny how both of them decided to be nostalgic at the same time.
"When I reached," he continued, "All the grandma grandpas were already there. And you were also there!"
Yaay!
-
I called my sister a little after that. She certainly didn't have nostalgic moments/ memories to share from that night 29 years ago. If she did, that would have been a tad creepy 😂
-
It's wonderful how memories not our own but of us are so precious sometimes :)
Happy Birthday to me ;)
Wednesday, April 19, 2017
Different people have different favourite things. Books, gadgets, travelling, pizza, bags, shoes! - those are some things I love, as do many of you I'm sure. And we all have those few things apart from the normal that totally gets me excited! For my grandmother; it's watching kids' game shows, it totally cracks her up! She'd be amused for hours. For me? It's Christmas and Birthdays! I LOVE them! They make me giddy with excitement. Not just mine, I love birthdays in general. I've planned awesome surprise parties for my folks at home, I remember badgering a friend's fiance (now husband) who I barely knew back then, helping (read making) him plan her birthday surprise ;) We still pull each other's leg about it.
So with 20 days to go till mine (yes I know that you see the countdown ;) ), and since I've given myself the early birthday gift of this domain - I decided a Birthday Series would be perfect! That's how this series started.
This post is about more than that though - this is about the day I was born. I love that story. It's been told to me so many times over all these years, that I've internalised it and say it like it's my own - Like the wee little kid that I was (I was wee - less than 2.3 kgs little) experienced it and is narrating the experience. Anyway, here it goes :)
In Tamil Nadu (where I am from, and where I am born) people go to great extents to ensure that babies are not born in May. No mean intentions there. It's just very very hot in here around then, and giving birth by itself is not the easiest thing to do I'm sure - and to do it at 40 degrees is no laughing matter. So back in the days when air conditioners were not common, people came up with a simple solution: Superstition! Just don't sleep with each other in the Tamil Month "Aadi" which is roughly around June and July, and babies won't be born then. [Later that superstition blew up, and they generalised the bad luck to everything, and that's why people never start shopping for wedding or important events during that month. There are also many discounts then because shopping was discouraged - so now conversely, it's become the shopping time. That snowballed in a zig zag, but that's a whole other funny story for later]
So my parents too, I'm certain, were subjected to this Aadi thing. They didn't have to be though, as I was conceived before then, and I was due to be born in April! April 20th or 21st was when I was due. It's still summer, but a sliver away from the hottest month and all were happy.
The lazy procrastinator I am (See I started WAYYY back then! No one can say it's an acquired habit!) or probably because I was a bit too comfortable in the cosiness of the womb, I decided to just stay in there. C-sections were not the norm back then, so they decided to wait it out till I was ready. I overstayed a good twenty days and came out in May. Yaay!
My mum being the eldest in her family, and my dad being the youngest, there was entire welcoming crew waiting for me. I was well rested (20 days extra well rested) though, so when I came out I didn't see any need to cry. I think I was probably happy to be out - mentally prepared and all, by then. Humans, however, and their need for conformity (sigh!) were not happy that I wasn't crying. (Can't a girl be silent instead of crying for a change? apparently not!) So they went into a hulla bulla over that and finally - a cough, a sneeze and some tapping later - I was crying (Who wouldn't be, when subjected to all those expectations right from the get-go?)
Then all the relatives came in, and everyone wanted to hold me! All grandmas and grandpas and uncles and aunts and cousins (I'm still not comfortable with big crowds, and now you know why!) Someone who was peacefully sleeping away in the womb being man (and woman) handled so excessively will obviously rebel. So I stopped breathing for a bit, to take a break from it all you know? Again they weren't happy with the non-conformity, so they put me in an incubator for a bit. After that, at least when it comes to breathing and crying, I stick to social norms. Most of the time ;)
With all that fuss and drama, I came into this world 10571 days ago!
And that's how it all began - for me *wink*
Loads of love,
Someday's dreamer
Wednesday, April 12, 2017
I might go to China this year.
I was really excited about the idea up until today when I decided to plan my trip beyond "Great wall and shopping!"
I was checking out places to visit in Nanjing, Beijing and Shanghai and I see an endless list. I was instantly transported back to the time when I ever so briefly lived in Korea. I wasn't touring the country, I was living in Seoul - at Gangnam. I was working there. I was cooking there. I was there without being a tourist.
I have been to many countries as a tourist. I enjoyed Malaysia, Hong Kong, and recently Australia even. I was satisfied just checking out the popular attractions, and possibly a tad bit more - but nothing else. However, today I saw the endless list of gorgeous temples and parks, and I was - in my head - back in Korea.
I had plans then. I had a list till the day I reached there. Once I did however, that list was quickly replaced by a map. I did that something I've always wanted to do; Just open a map, find a place to go to, and tick it off the list. That map was beloved and travelled with me everywhere. I was used to the point of becoming tattered and having to be stuck together with tape. It was used to the point of me remembering many parts of it by heart. My yellow map of Seoul, where the first cross was on "Gangnam Metro Station, Exit 7"
I remember one weekend where I decided to just get off at the fifth stop from where I got on. I didn't have a clue about where it was or what was there. I got off there, wandered the streets, chanced upon a fish market where dried fish and fish still swimming were sold. I bought a fight shaped snack (made of dough) and ate it as I walked along. I picked up a notebook from a street side vendor. I wandered till I found a park and wandered some more to find street performers performing there. I watched the best rendition, till date, of "Moves like a Jagger" there. I sat and clapped and enjoyed the show with the locals.
Another weekend, I woke up a bit too early, so walked around the locality where I stayed and found a cinema. I discovered that day that in Korea, unlike in Chennai, shows at different times of the day had different pricing. The early morning ones were the cheapest. I bought a ticket and watched a movie with just two other (very oblivious to the rest of the world) teenagers, trying to guess the story based on facial expressions and little Korean I knew.
I had gone for a recruitment drive with the team, I struck up a conversation with a girl who had come to attend the interview there. She didn't get into the company, but I made a fast friend! We went out to dinner the week after, and a Buddhist temple. She told that she'd been in Seoul all her life, but that was her first time in that temple. She also told me a lot about how common Plastic Surgeries were in Korea, and were popular graduation gifts! We also went some sprawling tomb sites right in the middle of the city. To this day she's my friend on facebook and Instagram.
I've gone to team dinners. That's common all over the world. A second round of drinks - I'm sure many will identify with that act as well. And then the third round, with snacks because it's a good three hours since that dinner we had. And wobbled back home, singing happily with a few colleagues in the wee hours of the morning - now that's a memory.
I made amazing Russian friends there. Who helped me discover that when it comes to girls and gossip, nationality knows no bounds.
Ah, those were such amazing days. What I've recounted here is hardly a fraction of everything that happened. And that's how you see the world.
Going to China and packing in three cities that seem dipped in culture within ten days is definitely a great start. And something I should continue to be very excited about. I will probably get there again. Right now though, I'm going to indulge in some wistful nostalgia and wonder when I'll get to live in another exotic country again. Even if just briefly :)
I was really excited about the idea up until today when I decided to plan my trip beyond "Great wall and shopping!"
I was checking out places to visit in Nanjing, Beijing and Shanghai and I see an endless list. I was instantly transported back to the time when I ever so briefly lived in Korea. I wasn't touring the country, I was living in Seoul - at Gangnam. I was working there. I was cooking there. I was there without being a tourist.
I have been to many countries as a tourist. I enjoyed Malaysia, Hong Kong, and recently Australia even. I was satisfied just checking out the popular attractions, and possibly a tad bit more - but nothing else. However, today I saw the endless list of gorgeous temples and parks, and I was - in my head - back in Korea.
I had plans then. I had a list till the day I reached there. Once I did however, that list was quickly replaced by a map. I did that something I've always wanted to do; Just open a map, find a place to go to, and tick it off the list. That map was beloved and travelled with me everywhere. I was used to the point of becoming tattered and having to be stuck together with tape. It was used to the point of me remembering many parts of it by heart. My yellow map of Seoul, where the first cross was on "Gangnam Metro Station, Exit 7"
I remember one weekend where I decided to just get off at the fifth stop from where I got on. I didn't have a clue about where it was or what was there. I got off there, wandered the streets, chanced upon a fish market where dried fish and fish still swimming were sold. I bought a fight shaped snack (made of dough) and ate it as I walked along. I picked up a notebook from a street side vendor. I wandered till I found a park and wandered some more to find street performers performing there. I watched the best rendition, till date, of "Moves like a Jagger" there. I sat and clapped and enjoyed the show with the locals.
Another weekend, I woke up a bit too early, so walked around the locality where I stayed and found a cinema. I discovered that day that in Korea, unlike in Chennai, shows at different times of the day had different pricing. The early morning ones were the cheapest. I bought a ticket and watched a movie with just two other (very oblivious to the rest of the world) teenagers, trying to guess the story based on facial expressions and little Korean I knew.
I had gone for a recruitment drive with the team, I struck up a conversation with a girl who had come to attend the interview there. She didn't get into the company, but I made a fast friend! We went out to dinner the week after, and a Buddhist temple. She told that she'd been in Seoul all her life, but that was her first time in that temple. She also told me a lot about how common Plastic Surgeries were in Korea, and were popular graduation gifts! We also went some sprawling tomb sites right in the middle of the city. To this day she's my friend on facebook and Instagram.
I've gone to team dinners. That's common all over the world. A second round of drinks - I'm sure many will identify with that act as well. And then the third round, with snacks because it's a good three hours since that dinner we had. And wobbled back home, singing happily with a few colleagues in the wee hours of the morning - now that's a memory.
I made amazing Russian friends there. Who helped me discover that when it comes to girls and gossip, nationality knows no bounds.
Ah, those were such amazing days. What I've recounted here is hardly a fraction of everything that happened. And that's how you see the world.
Going to China and packing in three cities that seem dipped in culture within ten days is definitely a great start. And something I should continue to be very excited about. I will probably get there again. Right now though, I'm going to indulge in some wistful nostalgia and wonder when I'll get to live in another exotic country again. Even if just briefly :)
Tuesday, February 14, 2017
I picked up the jeans from the corner of the bed where I had tossed them. The rips were quite wide and prominent - near the knee. But you know how difficult it is to find jeans that fit perfectly nowadays. And to find them on sale! It's a no-brainer that you pick them up. Even if you have four other blue jeans. Well each of them is a different fit/ style/ shade. (That's my story and I'm sticking to it)
I couldn't help but grin automatically when I remembered my grandmother's reaction at looking at the jeans.
"This is a nice colour. But don't you have the same one already?" (She hadn't unfolded them yet)
"No paati, that's a slightly different shade"
"Oh my God! You have to return this. It's torn" (There you go. But I anticipated that)
"That's the style. They sell it like that"
"You mean they intentionally tore this?" Looking aghast
"Yeah...it's fashion"
"They sell torn clothes at shops now?" She completely ignored my fashion explanation, but now that she put it like that. "What is happening to this world." I almost have to agree.
My grin became a laugh as I sat down on the bed myself. It had been so long since I owned a pair of ripped or frayed jeans. A long forgotten memory popped up ... of two young girls who felt too much.
"Dude! It's so horrible. I can't believe she did that! If I had been there, I would have stopped this from happening" Utter dismay and hopelessness apparent in her voice
"How could this happen! You worked months for it!" Mirroring the emotion. It might sound a tad dramatic, but which seventeen year old isn't?
"I sometimes think she does this intentionally. She could not have not known how much this meant to me. I was so close. So close!"
"The result was starting to look almost professional. God. They just don't understand" She said, wistfully looking down at her black hardly frayed jeans, which were no where near the level of perfection the jeans in question had reached.
"I know! How could my mother just cut off ALL the frays? And fold it and stitch it too! My boot cuts don't even sweep the floor anymore, so months of hard work put in getting them frayed all gone to naught." Oh the misery.
"I'm so sorry sweetie"
When there is so much pain and hurt, words don't suffice, so hugs have to be given. And a prayer sent up that this scar may someday heal.
Luckily those prayers were answered. Those young girls were now happy women. We've long since left behind boot cut jeans and most of the drama out of our lives. The love and bond stays on, and that's more than enough :)
With a nostalgic wistful smile, I threaded the needle and got down to sewing the rip.
"This is a nice colour. But don't you have the same one already?" (She hadn't unfolded them yet)
"No paati, that's a slightly different shade"
"Oh my God! You have to return this. It's torn" (There you go. But I anticipated that)
"That's the style. They sell it like that"
"You mean they intentionally tore this?" Looking aghast
"Yeah...it's fashion"
"They sell torn clothes at shops now?" She completely ignored my fashion explanation, but now that she put it like that. "What is happening to this world." I almost have to agree.
My grin became a laugh as I sat down on the bed myself. It had been so long since I owned a pair of ripped or frayed jeans. A long forgotten memory popped up ... of two young girls who felt too much.
"Dude! It's so horrible. I can't believe she did that! If I had been there, I would have stopped this from happening" Utter dismay and hopelessness apparent in her voice
"How could this happen! You worked months for it!" Mirroring the emotion. It might sound a tad dramatic, but which seventeen year old isn't?
"I sometimes think she does this intentionally. She could not have not known how much this meant to me. I was so close. So close!"
"The result was starting to look almost professional. God. They just don't understand" She said, wistfully looking down at her black hardly frayed jeans, which were no where near the level of perfection the jeans in question had reached.
"I know! How could my mother just cut off ALL the frays? And fold it and stitch it too! My boot cuts don't even sweep the floor anymore, so months of hard work put in getting them frayed all gone to naught." Oh the misery.
"I'm so sorry sweetie"
When there is so much pain and hurt, words don't suffice, so hugs have to be given. And a prayer sent up that this scar may someday heal.
Luckily those prayers were answered. Those young girls were now happy women. We've long since left behind boot cut jeans and most of the drama out of our lives. The love and bond stays on, and that's more than enough :)
With a nostalgic wistful smile, I threaded the needle and got down to sewing the rip.
Tuesday, February 7, 2017
Being a student of an All Girls Convent school, I didn't have too much notable interaction with the opposite gender (Relatives and the few family friends excluded) till quite late in my life. But my first crush (the human kind, not the celebrity kind) was admittedly before those significant interactions took place.
I guess the heart wants what the heart wants - even if it's from a distance, and just fleetingly.
He was wearing a white shirt. One of those crisply ironed white shirts, along with some formal pants and shoes. I was in my school van, sitting by the window (probably sulking about some school thing or the other) and as we (the van ..., not him and I together!) stopped at the signal, he pulled up his bike right next to my window.
I don't remember his eyes. I don't remember what bike he rode.
But I will never forget that feeling.
The first time when your heart races, even though you haven't been running.
The first time a blush creeps up on you when no one has said a word complementing or embarrassing you.
I watched him all the way from the signal, till the van turned right into the school and he went on ahead to wherever he was headed.
That was the first time my heart went pitty pat pat.
I still...and probably always will remember that.
Years went by. More celebrity crushes....some cute boys checked out in different schools during interschool events, but never that thud from the heart. Till one seemingly insignificant day when I was walking along, through a supermarket, and saw him. He was way too young to have fathered the little girl he carried and the little boy he guided. He was thin and tall, and he had one hand behind that itsy boy - ready to pull him out of harm's way, and keeping him from bumping into things. Ahhh...those hands. Long fingered and strong looking. - Pitty pat pat ..pitty pat pat.
Not wanting to come off as a stalker, I resisted the urge to follow him around in the aisles - as I dreamt of walking down another aisle.
Now, I've left behind that little girl who felt a lot. I've learnt what love is, I've learnt what loss is. I've learnt how to keep me safe - as safe as one can hope to be. I know that finding love is better than falling face first in it. I've grown up.
Then he put his hand on my shoulder
Pulled me just a tad closer
Pitty pat pat. Pitty pat pat.
*
*
*
This post is written for the ‘love theme’ contest by The Chennai Bloggers Club (www.chennaibloggers.in) in association with woodooz (http://www.woodooz.com/) and Indian Superheroes (http://indiansuperheroes.com/ )
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
Theres this little creature in my life. It had been very quiet and MIA for a couple of days last April. We'd even given a shout out in the family whatsapp group, and got no response. And then there I was, scrolling aimlessly through my facebook feed - like we are wont to do these days, and I FOUND IT !!!
This is how that scene played out:
Me: I found it!!! (Excited and tickled)
Dad: What? (Looking disinterested)
Me: *Thrusts photo in front of his face*
Dad: (still not interested) Whats that?
Me: See see SEEE !!!
Dad: Is that the carrot?!
Me:Yess !!!
Dad: Idhukka avala anga annupi uttaen!! (Is this why I sent her there ?!)
Me:
Dad: No wonder she s been so quiet *sigh*
This is how that scene played out:
Me: I found it!!! (Excited and tickled)
Dad: What? (Looking disinterested)
Me: *Thrusts photo in front of his face*
Dad: (still not interested) Whats that?
Me: See see SEEE !!!
Dad: Is that the carrot?!
Me:Yess !!!
Dad: Idhukka avala anga annupi uttaen!! (Is this why I sent her there ?!)
Me:
Dad: No wonder she s been so quiet *sigh*
Oh the hilarity in suddenly finding your sister (I'm almost sure that purple thing is she ) [who is supposed to be busy with projects and reports, I must add!] all dunked in colours and grinning away to glory!
This is a fond memory that I'm happy to be documenting and sharing!
This is also my entry in the 'tagged' contest by author Kaarthika along with 'the Chennai bloggers club' - with the theme of Fun or Memorable moment with Facebook :)
grin emoticon
After the Floods
It has been six months since Chennai last saw rain. Six months since the greatest flood the state had witnessed in a hundred years!
Six months since the water started drying, the land became dry, and the ground water scarcity started cropping up again
Two months since the use of geysers dwindled to a slow stop. Since the summer collections became famous in retail outlets. Since watermelons started being stacked up on roadsides.
One month since the temperatures soared so high that we wondered if we would all roast right here. One month since deliberations began about the actual position of Chennai / Tamil Nadu being closer to the Sun than Mercury is. One month since the Mango season begun.
Yes, almost every Chennai-ite prayed for a relief from being constantly scorched every day. A relief from all the incessant sweating. A relief from the heat. All that heat. So much heat! Heat from the sky...heat in the air… heat from the darned earth!
Three days since the rain begun. It hasn’t stopped since.
Everyone’s happy?
No.
Not even fifty percent!
This is just a baby rain. But once bitten.
We used to be strong folk. We loved the rain. We’ve had an uncountable number of songs that celebrated rain. Innumerable heroines who expressed freedom by dancing in the rain. Movies dedicated to rain!
We used to be.
Now, stepping into the second day of a drizzle – people are scared. They’re scattering like they’re being hunted. There is too much well-meant advice given along “Leave quickly!” “The roads are going to be jammed” “There will be water logging everywhere”.
A friend of mine cried yesterday – said she can’t go through another flood. That she didn’t sleep all of the previous night, as she kept getting up to check under the bed to see if water had come in. again. The fear is all too real. Too close to the skin. Too close to our hearts. Too fresh in our memories. I get it. I understand.
There are too many posts giving updates on waterlogged streets. Too many people listening to the weatherman. He has gained importance now. He once used to be irrelevant.
We once used to describe our land as having just 3 seasons – Hot, Hotter, and Hottest.
Now we scram and hide at the face of a baby rain.
It’ll take a while since the fear is contained. I heard on a TV show yesterday that the part of the brain that controls fear reacts much faster than the part of the brain that controls reason. Sometimes, the reaction to fear is so strong that there is no option to reason with it.
So my dearies, worry not.
It's just a baby rain.
This will not hurt you.
We know these summer showers.
We’ve witnessed a lifetime of these and loved them for all they have been to us.
Yes, we had a terrible flood last year, but this is not that.
This is just a baby rain, one that’s come as the relief we needed...wanted. This will come and go soon enough. Even if it becomes harder, this one will not harm you.
This is the same rain we used to love.
Hush now… it’s just a baby rain J
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
Yet another year is over ...
I am now Twenty Eight years old!
I don't consciously feel it yet. But I know it has happened - know it not just from the number but also because of where and how I am in life.
The Twenty Seventh year was a testimony to that.
Prominent Achievements:
I am now Twenty Eight years old!
I don't consciously feel it yet. But I know it has happened - know it not just from the number but also because of where and how I am in life.
The Twenty Seventh year was a testimony to that.
Prominent Achievements:
- I bought a car - not a starting, base segment car, but a decent mid segment hatchback. FINALLY!
AND, I've paid off the loan for it, so it's completely mine now! - The story I wrote got published (again, finally!) - Crystal Cacophony
So I'm one step closer to the dream ;) - I switched jobs. I finished exactly 3 years with my last organization, and now I'm in yet another brilliant organization with an amazing multinational team, with a bigger scope of responsibility and getting to do all that I love!
- I went as a Guest Speaker - to a university, to speak to a bunch of MBA grad students.
Happy Things:
- I have learned to drive comfortably now. (Thanks to very patient friend who helped expedite this process!)
- I wrote and blogged more over the last year - happy to be writing a lot again!
- I tasted some amazing yummy food - ate a lot!
- Family, as always was there anytime needed :)
- I have good friends - and I'm blessed to have them!
Major Regrets:
- Having to let go of a few really amazing people who were in my life. For not being able to like/ love them as much as they did me, and the imbalance was obviously not fair on any of us.
- No international travel last year
- I didn't stand up strong enough for myself during a case of harassment.
- I ate too much :/ And didn't balance it with working out enough.
Major Lessons Learnt:
- Life goes on.
- No point complaining if you're not going to do something about it!
- If I want something, really want something, I can find it by all means available to me
- Gifts don't necessarily buy love. Neither does good food. But Food is closer.
27
That was the year when I experienced an actual flood. Saw water surround the house. We were some of the lucky ones who didn't incur heavy damage.
That was the year when the biggest awesome things that happened to me were almost all in my control - it made me realize that being a grown-up is not so bad after all. Being single and accomplished is something I am - something I am proud of.
27
Personal life wise - very calm. Maintained status quo. Maybe I needed that stability there while I established professionally. And now I'm ready to make things happen in this arena as well. Maybe!
Twenty Seven ...in retrospect, you've been a good year!
You've helped me dig deep into myself to find the courage, resilience, will power and positivity to march on ahead. For that, thank you :)
Look forward to how the Twenty Eight is going to be!
Yours always,
Someday's Dreamer
Saturday, March 12, 2016
The safety harness was all strapped in, and safety rope in place and the gritty determination and the excitement on my face were quite evident.
(Pic of the Course as we were leaving - missing it already!)
For the next 3 or so minutes, as I stood facing the first course of level one, I was certain that I am never getting on those dangly planks, and almost gave up. But there were people watching, and there's dignity to protect ;) Oh to be human with all those conflicting emotions I tell you! So I mustered all the courage that laughing friends inspired in me, I turned the other way to a Net made of sturdier net, and decided I can do that! I would just hang on to those ropes for dear life, and get through it! Easier said than done really.
Flashback:
Chennai Bloggers Club was having registrations open for an Experience and Explore an Adventure Park - Wild Tribe Ranch event. Though I'm not an out and out outdoorsy person, I have gone through quite a bit of WipeOut and Takeshi's Castle during my dinner time and gone:
"Pshaw! He couldn't event do that right!" At every guy or girl who took too long at an obstacle course.
Present Day:
Now that I was all strapped in, and stood staring at the looming length of wooden planks hanging ...dangling away rather, by ropes, I had new found respect for every winner, loser and even the attempters of those obstacle courses!
Going up the stairs to the first level of the two levels was easy enough. Once there, looking at the many different courses - now that's where the fear kicks in, and the adrenaline is pumped in as if through a water hose to put out a fire.
The obstacle course was more of a huge hexagonal iron structure with a beam at the center. There were iron rods connecting each of the sides and to the center as well. In between those were two levels of amazingly well thought out and interesting "Courses" which were made by combing ropes, wood, tires, tubes and what not!
For the next 3 or so minutes, as I stood facing the first course of level one, I was certain that I am never getting on those dangly planks, and almost gave up. But there were people watching, and there's dignity to protect ;) Oh to be human with all those conflicting emotions I tell you! So I mustered all the courage that laughing friends inspired in me, I turned the other way to a Net made of sturdier net, and decided I can do that! I would just hang on to those ropes for dear life, and get through it! Easier said than done really.
[Don't you think almost all things in life are easier said than done? Except the big L word maybe ... there it is (I feel) easier to demonstrate than say it. Of course, some do say it easily}
Just a random side thought - like the many that were going through my head as I very poorly tried to emulate spider man. I slowly got through that, and THAT my dearies is the moment when Adrenaline takes a back seat and you're thinking to yourself : "Hey I did that! Then I can probably do the rest as well" and then you really start having fun. Quite a bit of fear mixed in, but so much FUN!!!!!
I tried a relatively simple ropey bridge next.
Then it I tried some different wooden planks ... I accept that things got real shakey there, and I was doing pretty intense acrobatic moves (trying to not look too stupid ;) ) and worked my way through that. There were hanging tubes which I didn't even go near! (Picking my battles there!)
There was a fish net kinda bridge, that was so fun I tried it twice!
The tires were waaaayyyy too swingy for my liking, and I tried them just to make a point.
I loved how the safety rope navigation system was so well thought out, that you could let another pass through - when you just wanted to take a break, hug a pillar and feel calm and safe for a moment or two.
With so many friends around and questions like: "Hey, was that course easy?", "Did you get through that?!" bouncing around, and us being reassured that somebody else is facing the same things we are, and getting through it, so we can do it too! That motivating us to look around and tell someone "Don't worry, I was able to get through it, so you can do it too!" Good things those :)
It's also interesting how focused we become on a task when it gets so demanding of your attention - in the best possible way! A little like sinking into a lovely hug; while the whole world fades away for that moment!
Of course, this was a lot more challenging and a lot less comfortable than a hug. But that's the point. That's their point which they proudly claim - Get out of your comfort zone, and face the fear - We'll handle the safety!
My first life-size obstacle course was an amazing experience and I hope to go back there and conquer more of the levels, if not all !!! You should try it too ! Go gick the fear at the Wild Tribe Ranch :)
[This, of course, was jus the first of the many rides that were there. More to come in this space!]
Sunday, January 31, 2016
Inbetween - in the middle of two things or places.
It's such a complex place to be.
There are residual feelings of nostalgia and relief from the place before, and excitement and anticipation for whats next.
I am inbetween jobs.
People sometimes say that when they don't know where they are going to next. It's a fancy way of saying "I'm jobless" or "I haven't figured out what I'm going to do next". Well I guess that state is complex on it's own as well.
But that's not my case (luckily? ;) )
I know where I am going to next. And I'm going there tomorrow.
But this past month - the notice period has been interesting to put it mildly.
Being in an organization, one that involves excessive community travelling time, for 3 years no less (!) is pretty much like having a new family or being at college ... there is a community you belong to, identify with and get attached to. So suddenly having to leave that - to me felt like I was cheating on a boy friend. Like I told him I'm leaving him for someone else - who I haven't been with yet, but I'm giving both of us a period of time to organize our lives for the change that is to come. (While the new boyfriend conatantly checks up for info and confirmations)
So so so complex and confusing its been.
Am I over reacting? Maybe. I don't know.
The last time I was inbetween jobs, I left the job to finish the project for my M.Sc and had a lot of time for myself. So it was very different. I was just leaving a job. Not for another job.
Another phace of this mildly emotionally roller coaster-y month were those random occassional thoughts of "What if they suddenly change their minds?" (I have never done this job switching thing before! )
All together, it was, in retrospect, a happening and fun month. I will terribly miss so many people and aspects of my old life - three years of spending thirteen hours a day with those people and working there is more than just a job surely! - but I do look forward to whats to come.
I am now inbetween what was and what would be
The familiar and the possibilities
Inbetween the tears blinked away while saying goodbye and the heartbeats of a new beginning!
Until tomorrow :)
Sunday, May 17, 2015
And we're finally here :)
I'm actually a week late on this post... took a week to process the 52 weeks that were. Or get over it. Whichever!
This might be the shortest yearly review post so far, but it is still a year's worth of events so, here goes!
26 ...twenty six... it sure dragged quite a bit, but was also quite fun. Like how lazy Sunday's are. It was rounded, blunt and comfortable. No major heart aches. No life altering events. Just a few intense ones.
If 25 was an amazing roller coaster - with a Korean theme, I think 26 was dedicated to all the special men in my life. They totally saved the year from complete mediocrity, so to say!
My dad and I got much closer. We also had many many more yelling matches than ever before. I found out that a lot of who I am today is because of him. That I am a lot more like him, than I would have guessed! It has been a lovely year that way. He even let me drive his car once ;)
2 guys from work who have moved from brother zone, to friend zone, and have become such amazing confidantes and partners in crime, that I totally feel blessed to have found them! We make such a happy team of friends it's a ball all the time. And like one of them keeps pointing out, Even fighting is so much fun with them!
My long distance best friend got whatsapp, and we really got back in touch - and that's one of the bestest thing of last year. He's a real peach! Probably spoiling me for life by being super patient and pampery! He was the best Santa last Christmas, sent me a forest of red roses for Valentines, ensured I had the yummiest and sweetest birthday cake for 27th ... showing me how much he cares. Not just materialistically, but by being there all the time when I need him, and hearing me out! I even get though PMS and first days with him! That's how much of an important role he played in my 26th, and continues to! I only hope I can give back a tenth of what he has done for me.
Can too much love be too harmful? Apparently that's a yes. I got first hand experience of being someone overly cared for. However, that person, brother is also one of the sweetest, kindest more caring human beings I've known. so that relationship has been the most restructured and modified relationships so far. Trying to make it possible, but you can't have it all. We can still try :)
My best friend ... or about time that I accepted that he is now my ex-best friend and I got back in touch, just to find that things can't work out even as friends. We even met, he was within my reach and then gone. You can start hating, more accurately resenting someone because you loved them too much at one point.
My partner finally got out of something sticky, and is moving on. He will be married in less than a month's time, and I hope he is so happily. Fingers crossed! I know he deserves it :)
Those were the highlights about the important men in my life.
There are also other good friends I've made at office. And I generally belong more with the boys group than the girls :P To the extent that they forget that I'm a girl quite often ;) But that's cool as its quite comfortably convenient, and I don't have to be coy or girly - realizing its a liberating feeling that!
Some other very important things that have happened over the last year are:
One of my best friends got married. She found a lovely guy, and they are already happily married! Love to both!
I officially financially support another human being :) It's an empowering feeling!
I have learnt to bake cakes :D Just 2 so far, but, it's a start!
The groom hunt is on. And it really feels like a real hunting season. And I'm not sure if I'm hunting or being hunted. A lot of mixed, complex and complicated feelings there.
We had a lovely family vacation in Malaysia :)
I really organized my cupboards, and got rid of a lot of junk. It may not seem like a big thing, but trust me, it was! It felt like a BIG step into adulthood to have that :) I had ironing clothes as a hobby for almost 2 months!
I got back in touch with a lot of family. That's been nice!
Gadget wise, brilliant year!! Laptop, cell phone, even headphones and the like have had brilliant upgrades B)
Brand wise too. The stable income has made shopping from big brands a really easy thing to do :P No complaints there!
Got a ginormous amount of gifts. And anything else I wanted, I got it myself!
Some unfortunate things:
I have had a falling out with another very very good friend of mine. She is an amazing person, but sometimes, unknowingly, we use one person as a dump for all the negativity in our lives. I unfortunately became that person for her, and I had to get out of that rut. I hope that
I did not go on any vacation alone last year. Since my 19th year, I've been making it a point to get away and have some alone time at least once a year, but that didn't happen.
That falling out with the ex-best friend already mentioned.
Some nice people who had become friends at work moved away, moving apart.
Some other good friends also moved away geographically to be with their spouses or for other reasons.
I don't know which category this belongs in, I resigned. Cancelled resignation. And apart from travel to and from, I have become very comfortable with the job. And uncomfortable about the status quo comfort. So that's been at a weird state. Got to figure that out!
So over all, 26 was a good year. But bad because of how ordinary and uneventful it was. But it was good because it wasn't bad ;) It was too simplistic, with too many routines. I'm looking forward to a more eventful 27 :)
I'm actually a week late on this post... took a week to process the 52 weeks that were. Or get over it. Whichever!
This might be the shortest yearly review post so far, but it is still a year's worth of events so, here goes!
26 ...twenty six... it sure dragged quite a bit, but was also quite fun. Like how lazy Sunday's are. It was rounded, blunt and comfortable. No major heart aches. No life altering events. Just a few intense ones.
If 25 was an amazing roller coaster - with a Korean theme, I think 26 was dedicated to all the special men in my life. They totally saved the year from complete mediocrity, so to say!
My dad and I got much closer. We also had many many more yelling matches than ever before. I found out that a lot of who I am today is because of him. That I am a lot more like him, than I would have guessed! It has been a lovely year that way. He even let me drive his car once ;)
2 guys from work who have moved from brother zone, to friend zone, and have become such amazing confidantes and partners in crime, that I totally feel blessed to have found them! We make such a happy team of friends it's a ball all the time. And like one of them keeps pointing out, Even fighting is so much fun with them!
My long distance best friend got whatsapp, and we really got back in touch - and that's one of the bestest thing of last year. He's a real peach! Probably spoiling me for life by being super patient and pampery! He was the best Santa last Christmas, sent me a forest of red roses for Valentines, ensured I had the yummiest and sweetest birthday cake for 27th ... showing me how much he cares. Not just materialistically, but by being there all the time when I need him, and hearing me out! I even get though PMS and first days with him! That's how much of an important role he played in my 26th, and continues to! I only hope I can give back a tenth of what he has done for me.
Can too much love be too harmful? Apparently that's a yes. I got first hand experience of being someone overly cared for. However, that person, brother is also one of the sweetest, kindest more caring human beings I've known. so that relationship has been the most restructured and modified relationships so far. Trying to make it possible, but you can't have it all. We can still try :)
My best friend ... or about time that I accepted that he is now my ex-best friend and I got back in touch, just to find that things can't work out even as friends. We even met, he was within my reach and then gone. You can start hating, more accurately resenting someone because you loved them too much at one point.
My partner finally got out of something sticky, and is moving on. He will be married in less than a month's time, and I hope he is so happily. Fingers crossed! I know he deserves it :)
Those were the highlights about the important men in my life.
There are also other good friends I've made at office. And I generally belong more with the boys group than the girls :P To the extent that they forget that I'm a girl quite often ;) But that's cool as its quite comfortably convenient, and I don't have to be coy or girly - realizing its a liberating feeling that!
Some other very important things that have happened over the last year are:
One of my best friends got married. She found a lovely guy, and they are already happily married! Love to both!
I officially financially support another human being :) It's an empowering feeling!
I have learnt to bake cakes :D Just 2 so far, but, it's a start!
The groom hunt is on. And it really feels like a real hunting season. And I'm not sure if I'm hunting or being hunted. A lot of mixed, complex and complicated feelings there.
We had a lovely family vacation in Malaysia :)
I really organized my cupboards, and got rid of a lot of junk. It may not seem like a big thing, but trust me, it was! It felt like a BIG step into adulthood to have that :) I had ironing clothes as a hobby for almost 2 months!
I got back in touch with a lot of family. That's been nice!
Gadget wise, brilliant year!! Laptop, cell phone, even headphones and the like have had brilliant upgrades B)
Brand wise too. The stable income has made shopping from big brands a really easy thing to do :P No complaints there!
Got a ginormous amount of gifts. And anything else I wanted, I got it myself!
Some unfortunate things:
I have had a falling out with another very very good friend of mine. She is an amazing person, but sometimes, unknowingly, we use one person as a dump for all the negativity in our lives. I unfortunately became that person for her, and I had to get out of that rut. I hope that
I did not go on any vacation alone last year. Since my 19th year, I've been making it a point to get away and have some alone time at least once a year, but that didn't happen.
That falling out with the ex-best friend already mentioned.
Some nice people who had become friends at work moved away, moving apart.
Some other good friends also moved away geographically to be with their spouses or for other reasons.
I don't know which category this belongs in, I resigned. Cancelled resignation. And apart from travel to and from, I have become very comfortable with the job. And uncomfortable about the status quo comfort. So that's been at a weird state. Got to figure that out!
So over all, 26 was a good year. But bad because of how ordinary and uneventful it was. But it was good because it wasn't bad ;) It was too simplistic, with too many routines. I'm looking forward to a more eventful 27 :)
Friday, April 24, 2015
Have you ever been addicted to a person?
That no matter how bad things get with them, you let it go. It doesn't matter (for long) if they insult you or down right ignore you, you still find yourself going back, knocking on their door and asking - "Do you wanna be friends again?", "Are we still friends?" Or "Can we start over maybe?"
Outside of that relationship, you lead a completely normal life, with the sensitivities of a normal person. You feel shame, pain and hurt to the normal levels. You understand insults and react as normally as the next person. But not with that one person. With them, despite repeatedly telling yourself that: "This is it. This is all I'll take. No more." - You're back, pinging them again as the next day begins. Not even bothering to make up an excuse for them. Just pinging cause it feels like you can. You just have. Thats the thing to do.
Sometimes you go days ... months ... or even years without getting back in touch. But eventually you do. You occassionally even go through phases wondering / feeling / knowing that the other person most probably does not feel the same way, and they just want to stay away. Despite all evidence pointing to that, you put that aside and still go back.
Have you seen the movie premonition? (Spoilers this paragraph) It's about a guy who gets short term memory loss after an incident where his wife was also murdered. So he uses all means possibld to track down the murderer. Despite his 10 minute long...short memory, fighting all odd to keep himself on track, to complete the mission. At the end, he finally hunts down the criminal, or what should have been him, only to find that he has already done this before. He's found the guy already. Killed him already. But that's all he can think of. That's all he knows ... So finally he burns the shred of evidence proving that he's done what he held as his purpose. Just to restart. Because thats all that makes sense to him anymore.
So thats how it is now as well. Maybe its not that bad. Nonetheless.
Someday I'll accept it. Someday I will move on. Someday. Apparently not today.
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
Peace
Peace is lying on the back seat of the car
Watching the trees buzz by
Sky so blue
Up so high
Small piece of chocolate put in the mouth
Hair occasionally, absently stroked
Lying on the back seat of the car
Lying on his lap
Doubt
Doubt is something enormous suddenly sinking in
Getting through courtship
Getting through the engagement
Gushing through the wedding
Skipping through the honeymoon
Standing in the grocery store
Wondering what topping he likes
Not knowing how big the thing you have gotten into is
Not knowing if you can handle it
Hope
Hope is believing without reason
That things will get better
That the better job
That other person
All those solutions
Or just any of the above, happen
Without much reason, sometimes with it.
Wish
:)
A wish is .....
A big hope, mixed with doubt, that gives us peace - in just being there
A belief in the hope
A reassurance in the doubt
And a reason to be peaceful :)
Peace is lying on the back seat of the car
Watching the trees buzz by
Sky so blue
Up so high
Small piece of chocolate put in the mouth
Hair occasionally, absently stroked
Lying on the back seat of the car
Lying on his lap
Doubt
Doubt is something enormous suddenly sinking in
Getting through courtship
Getting through the engagement
Gushing through the wedding
Skipping through the honeymoon
Standing in the grocery store
Wondering what topping he likes
Not knowing how big the thing you have gotten into is
Not knowing if you can handle it
Hope
Hope is believing without reason
That things will get better
That the better job
That other person
All those solutions
Or just any of the above, happen
Without much reason, sometimes with it.
Wish
:)
A wish is .....
A big hope, mixed with doubt, that gives us peace - in just being there
A belief in the hope
A reassurance in the doubt
And a reason to be peaceful :)
Saturday, February 21, 2015
Burn the bridges
Set fire to the rain
Build up the ridges
Let go of those reigns
It’s now
Before Never
All that grew
I sever
One, two then three?
Life was never meant to be free
That, more and more I see
This Februrary
Thursday, January 8, 2015
Time..habits...
Weird things those. They change so many things.
Yesterday, I heard something.
Logically, I should have...could have rather, felt bad, or sad about it.
I was just pleasantly happy for him.
Not in the defensive self protective, opposite acting out kinda way, but genuinely happy that he found someone for himself. I'd believed that I might feel bad about it. Expected so even. But time, wonderful thing that it is, has made it possible that it didn't matter to me at all.
He is no more an emotion. He is just a memory. A memory of interesting emotions once felt. Not even special enough to fondly remember much.
He is just somebody who once was.
(It is a possibility that we knew we were not right for each other, and hence I never actually registered him that much. Yet, I believed that I had cared enough to care. But no more. Which is a pleasant relief. :) )
Yesterday, my grandma slashed her hand. Early in the morning, as she opened the gate for me to leave for work.
At first it didn't bleed, but in 3 seconds, it was a blood bathed finger. In her right hand, that too! I quickly got the first aid kit, and left after she assured me that it wasn't deep and that it didn't hurt much, and with my sister in charge.
I get home in the evening to see that my grandmother, obsessive cleaner that she is, had done everything she would do on a normal day, and was soberly sitting with a very swollen ring finger. Especially with the blood still oozing a bit. Considering she's diabetic, and it had been more than 12 hours since she cut herself... Not a nice scene.
Queasy around blood, I've always been.
Yet weirdly, first aid is almost an instinct for me.
Not that I know exactly what to do all the time. But I do know how to get it done, and the will/ patience/ gut to stick around till it's done. No matter how much blood there is. No matter how queasy it makes me.
I guess it has a lot to do with all the time I've spent in the hospital as a kid. I remember at least 2 whole summers there.
It's strange that I hate the smell of hospitals... still can't get a shot/ get blood drawn alone, without my dad or someone close standing close to me, and letting me squeeze their hand, as my eyes stay firmly tightly shut. Still will not go to a hospital unless it's terribly serious, and I have no strength to stop.. no, fight the people (plural - requirement. Trust me) who are dragging me there.
And yet, I feel safest in a hospital. A place where people in white coats can make the worst news seem like something that can be gotten through, something that can be overcome. White coats with the power to give hope to the hopeless, and time to the dying. Sometimes, rarely, even life to the dying.
Yesterday, I spoke to my cousin who is a doctor, got my instructions, and when I was done with her finger 2 hours later (repeated ice compresses and cotton presses and whatnot) the swelling had completely gone away, and the bleeding stopped. As I wrapped it up for the night, I felt a feeling of accomplishment, more than I would do after 3 solid days of work!
Habits... ingrained over time, almost made as instinctive as a reaction
Time ... changing what once used to be habit, to mere memories
Strange things those.
Strange wonderful things.
Weird things those. They change so many things.
Yesterday, I heard something.
Logically, I should have...could have rather, felt bad, or sad about it.
I was just pleasantly happy for him.
Not in the defensive self protective, opposite acting out kinda way, but genuinely happy that he found someone for himself. I'd believed that I might feel bad about it. Expected so even. But time, wonderful thing that it is, has made it possible that it didn't matter to me at all.
He is no more an emotion. He is just a memory. A memory of interesting emotions once felt. Not even special enough to fondly remember much.
He is just somebody who once was.
(It is a possibility that we knew we were not right for each other, and hence I never actually registered him that much. Yet, I believed that I had cared enough to care. But no more. Which is a pleasant relief. :) )
Yesterday, my grandma slashed her hand. Early in the morning, as she opened the gate for me to leave for work.
At first it didn't bleed, but in 3 seconds, it was a blood bathed finger. In her right hand, that too! I quickly got the first aid kit, and left after she assured me that it wasn't deep and that it didn't hurt much, and with my sister in charge.
I get home in the evening to see that my grandmother, obsessive cleaner that she is, had done everything she would do on a normal day, and was soberly sitting with a very swollen ring finger. Especially with the blood still oozing a bit. Considering she's diabetic, and it had been more than 12 hours since she cut herself... Not a nice scene.
Queasy around blood, I've always been.
Yet weirdly, first aid is almost an instinct for me.
Not that I know exactly what to do all the time. But I do know how to get it done, and the will/ patience/ gut to stick around till it's done. No matter how much blood there is. No matter how queasy it makes me.
I guess it has a lot to do with all the time I've spent in the hospital as a kid. I remember at least 2 whole summers there.
It's strange that I hate the smell of hospitals... still can't get a shot/ get blood drawn alone, without my dad or someone close standing close to me, and letting me squeeze their hand, as my eyes stay firmly tightly shut. Still will not go to a hospital unless it's terribly serious, and I have no strength to stop.. no, fight the people (plural - requirement. Trust me) who are dragging me there.
And yet, I feel safest in a hospital. A place where people in white coats can make the worst news seem like something that can be gotten through, something that can be overcome. White coats with the power to give hope to the hopeless, and time to the dying. Sometimes, rarely, even life to the dying.
Yesterday, I spoke to my cousin who is a doctor, got my instructions, and when I was done with her finger 2 hours later (repeated ice compresses and cotton presses and whatnot) the swelling had completely gone away, and the bleeding stopped. As I wrapped it up for the night, I felt a feeling of accomplishment, more than I would do after 3 solid days of work!
Habits... ingrained over time, almost made as instinctive as a reaction
Time ... changing what once used to be habit, to mere memories
Strange things those.
Strange wonderful things.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
It's always nice to start writing after eating something especially delicious.
As an ode to the year that was, as the last meal - I made myself my special bowl of chocolate ice cream. Basically a ton of chocolate ice cream with everything that I love in it in it :)
2014, the year that was... mmmm...
I read somewhere that the saddest word is "Almost"
She almost made it...He almost stopped her...They almost worked things out... She almost looked back
2014 was just so to me
I almost got a best friend back
I almost quit my job
I almost joined a new company
I almost found "that someone"
I almost got published (still)
2014 was also the year
I lost good friends
Some just decided to drop out of my world.
I don't know why. I did try a couple of times. And decided I'm too old for that drama, especially when there seems to be so much unexplainable (from my perspective of course) hatred.
And some ,,,well, this is a quote from a movie, which seemed to fit that situation perfectly:
"There are some things that are nothing more that what they are.
They are not meant to last.
They just take your place in the heart, and make you a little smarter the next time."
He briefly came back in my life... but we'd changed too much as people in the (about 3) years we'd spent apart. And we resented not having been there as part of the change, and the separation having caused a part of the change. However... we tried.. and briefly it was ... wonderfully.
There is a Tamil song that goes like this:
Un Karam Korkayil
Ninaivu Oraayiram
Pin Iru Karam Pirigayil
Ninaivu Nooraayiram
Roughly translated to:
When I hold your hands, there are a thousand memories
When the hands let go, there are a hundred thousand memories
Well, that perfectly described that. It wasn't romantic ...it was just the joy and the old comfort..but with irreparable differences that had cropped up. So smarter next time, I shall be :)
Some friends just moved away geographically...from work, and you know things won't be the same again.
The sister moved to a different city to study.
As much as I love the extra space and bigger bed, I love her more. And so many things aren't the same any more, and probably never will be.
I lost 3 brothers
I gained 2 friends, but one who once mattered a lot more is now not even a passing acquaintance. We just have a silent relationship, where we occasionally text to communicate, or pass on gifts. But it's all oh so silent. And silent is sad.
There was one dear friend, who may not regard me as that dear any more.
All this sad, 2014 wasn't all sad or bad!
On the up side ~ oh there were some nice ups :)
It was the year where I got drunk silly for the first time!
Happy to report that apart from severe balance issues, I don't cry or laugh to much, or blabber ..too much ;)
It was the year I finally actually! got inked :D
And unlike some people who sometimes like and some times are not comfortable with their tattoos, to me it feels like a complete part of me. It's gorgeous, and I'm so glad I decided to brave it on valentine's day!
It was the year I completely planned in detail an overseas vacation, and funded it for my sister and I :)
Also the year that I started funding my sister's masters education :)
It was the year I laughed till my stomach hurt - soooo many times!!! Almost on a regular basis
Those friends I gained were totally worth not quitting this job... friends from the company, friends who briefly consulted for the company- and continue on to be gems of people who will always be around!
It was the year, wherein I witnessed my boss's transformation from evilness personified to the best boss ever! How many people can experience that !
It was the year when my CFO walked up to my dad (on family day) and eagerly told him that I was the best employee in Administrations!
It was the year whence, both for my Birthday and Christmas, I was literally showered with gifts. Completely. Between that, and my stable job, this year, today, I can actually say I have EVERYTHING material that I want at the moment in this phase of life.
I've probably...no definitely taken more pictures in this year than all the previous years ...maybe even combined! Oh so many selfies ;)
It was the year where I got through the #100happydays challenge through and through!
The year, where I can proudly say that I spent a lot of quality time with many good friends ... all those who matter. Even if it is via online means in some cases, I think it still mattered, and it felt good. Especially knowing that regardless of the number of friends I have on facebook, I have a GOOD set of friends who are absolutely the best!
It was the year when I found for certain that my nagging tendencies come from my dad ;)
And we are on a nagging see-saw at home. If I don't nag, he does. Hehe.
It was the year, without any doubt or competition, when I ate out and socialized the most. I realized that excess socialization is really bad for you..r waistline. *Sigh*
It was the year I found how organized I could be. And how much I love being so!
The year where I got back to sports - shuttle and carom almost on a regular basis. Competition is really good :)
So many more memories moments missed, those as well!
I made a lot of memories in 2014:
Genie awards:
2014... despite all these good moments, great moments and sad moments, I'm really glad to see it go. 2014 had way too many blah moments. Like nothing great happened / nothing that really made it exciting ... not like Korea of 2013 or the book writing of 2012. It was a good year, but ...well... it was more of a year wherein... I had 25 years before, and I had 1 yr to organize everything so far. I organized a lot of things this year - in my head, and in all my shelves. and most definitely in my life. So 2014, to me, was just a Goodbye Year. Where I understood what had to be kept, and what had to go, and said good bye to all that is, so I can move on to the next phase.
Whatever... wherever ... whenever ... whoever that is.
2014
I sang a lot...danced a lot...
Laughed a lot....loved a lot...
Ran quite a bit
Travelled too much (commute to work)...
Ate too much as well
Gave up hope
Then regained it
Didn't wish too much though
2014, it was a good run.
Thank you for the patience you taught me
For the people you brought in my life
For the people you brought back in my life
For the people who were in it from even before
For the people you helped me gracefully let go of
For all the laughter
For the tears, that made me stronger
For the doubts that helped me make plan B's
For the success
For the failures
For the blessings
For being a steady ally
My frenemy
Good bye now :)
As an ode to the year that was, as the last meal - I made myself my special bowl of chocolate ice cream. Basically a ton of chocolate ice cream with everything that I love in it in it :)
2014, the year that was... mmmm...
I read somewhere that the saddest word is "Almost"
She almost made it...He almost stopped her...They almost worked things out... She almost looked back
2014 was just so to me
I almost got a best friend back
I almost quit my job
I almost joined a new company
I almost found "that someone"
I almost got published (still)
2014 was also the year
I lost good friends
Some just decided to drop out of my world.
I don't know why. I did try a couple of times. And decided I'm too old for that drama, especially when there seems to be so much unexplainable (from my perspective of course) hatred.
And some ,,,well, this is a quote from a movie, which seemed to fit that situation perfectly:
"There are some things that are nothing more that what they are.
They are not meant to last.
They just take your place in the heart, and make you a little smarter the next time."
He briefly came back in my life... but we'd changed too much as people in the (about 3) years we'd spent apart. And we resented not having been there as part of the change, and the separation having caused a part of the change. However... we tried.. and briefly it was ... wonderfully.
There is a Tamil song that goes like this:
Un Karam Korkayil
Ninaivu Oraayiram
Pin Iru Karam Pirigayil
Ninaivu Nooraayiram
Roughly translated to:
When I hold your hands, there are a thousand memories
When the hands let go, there are a hundred thousand memories
Well, that perfectly described that. It wasn't romantic ...it was just the joy and the old comfort..but with irreparable differences that had cropped up. So smarter next time, I shall be :)
Some friends just moved away geographically...from work, and you know things won't be the same again.
The sister moved to a different city to study.
As much as I love the extra space and bigger bed, I love her more. And so many things aren't the same any more, and probably never will be.
I lost 3 brothers
I gained 2 friends, but one who once mattered a lot more is now not even a passing acquaintance. We just have a silent relationship, where we occasionally text to communicate, or pass on gifts. But it's all oh so silent. And silent is sad.
There was one dear friend, who may not regard me as that dear any more.
All this sad, 2014 wasn't all sad or bad!
On the up side ~ oh there were some nice ups :)
It was the year where I got drunk silly for the first time!
Happy to report that apart from severe balance issues, I don't cry or laugh to much, or blabber ..too much ;)
It was the year I finally actually! got inked :D
And unlike some people who sometimes like and some times are not comfortable with their tattoos, to me it feels like a complete part of me. It's gorgeous, and I'm so glad I decided to brave it on valentine's day!
It was the year I completely planned in detail an overseas vacation, and funded it for my sister and I :)
Also the year that I started funding my sister's masters education :)
It was the year I laughed till my stomach hurt - soooo many times!!! Almost on a regular basis
Those friends I gained were totally worth not quitting this job... friends from the company, friends who briefly consulted for the company- and continue on to be gems of people who will always be around!
It was the year, wherein I witnessed my boss's transformation from evilness personified to the best boss ever! How many people can experience that !
It was the year when my CFO walked up to my dad (on family day) and eagerly told him that I was the best employee in Administrations!
It was the year whence, both for my Birthday and Christmas, I was literally showered with gifts. Completely. Between that, and my stable job, this year, today, I can actually say I have EVERYTHING material that I want at the moment in this phase of life.
I've probably...no definitely taken more pictures in this year than all the previous years ...maybe even combined! Oh so many selfies ;)
It was the year where I got through the #100happydays challenge through and through!
The year, where I can proudly say that I spent a lot of quality time with many good friends ... all those who matter. Even if it is via online means in some cases, I think it still mattered, and it felt good. Especially knowing that regardless of the number of friends I have on facebook, I have a GOOD set of friends who are absolutely the best!
It was the year when I found for certain that my nagging tendencies come from my dad ;)
And we are on a nagging see-saw at home. If I don't nag, he does. Hehe.
It was the year, without any doubt or competition, when I ate out and socialized the most. I realized that excess socialization is really bad for you..r waistline. *Sigh*
It was the year I found how organized I could be. And how much I love being so!
The year where I got back to sports - shuttle and carom almost on a regular basis. Competition is really good :)
So many more memories moments missed, those as well!
I made a lot of memories in 2014:
Genie awards:
- Best drinking spree: Cunoor. Night around the bonfire. Being supported just for standing
- Most resolute moment: Getting Inked, Feb 14, 2014.
Me: "Please excuse me if I scream. I'm slightly scared of needles"
Tattoo artist: "Scream away. Screaming should be made the best for of communication" - Happiest moment: When he said hello back
- Special special memories: The 26th Birthday with the cakes and the gifts
- Sweetest friend of the year: Me: "Why so many gifts! It feels like the Christmas miracle or something!" Him: "That's exactly why...so you feel that way"
- Saddest moments:
1. Being sent the picture of someone opening a gift, because I couldn't/ wouldn't be there
2. Leaving sis at hostel for the second time, after she had broken down weeping
3. Knowing it's over...all over again. But not seeing it said. - The most desperate moment: When I realized both my team mates were quitting, and I was left with my (then) evil boss
- Best friend proposal: That evening, writing notes on samsung note "I think we can be good friends"
- Best vacation of the year: Malaysia!!!
- Proudest moment: When sis got her call letter for her masters
- Most liberated moment: When daddy let me drive the car around one morning
- Most torn apart moment: When I decided to cancel my resignation
2014... despite all these good moments, great moments and sad moments, I'm really glad to see it go. 2014 had way too many blah moments. Like nothing great happened / nothing that really made it exciting ... not like Korea of 2013 or the book writing of 2012. It was a good year, but ...well... it was more of a year wherein... I had 25 years before, and I had 1 yr to organize everything so far. I organized a lot of things this year - in my head, and in all my shelves. and most definitely in my life. So 2014, to me, was just a Goodbye Year. Where I understood what had to be kept, and what had to go, and said good bye to all that is, so I can move on to the next phase.
Whatever... wherever ... whenever ... whoever that is.
2014
I sang a lot...danced a lot...
Laughed a lot....loved a lot...
Ran quite a bit
Travelled too much (commute to work)...
Ate too much as well
Gave up hope
Then regained it
Didn't wish too much though
2014, it was a good run.
Thank you for the patience you taught me
For the people you brought in my life
For the people you brought back in my life
For the people who were in it from even before
For the people you helped me gracefully let go of
For all the laughter
For the tears, that made me stronger
For the doubts that helped me make plan B's
For the success
For the failures
For the blessings
For being a steady ally
My frenemy
Good bye now :)
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