'When it's close to midnight, and the claws of the menstrual cramps are sinking their iron grips deeper and deeper, there is not much a girl can do - other than to lie in whatever position that best soothes that moment' Kayla thought ruefully, if not a tad dramatically. But the pulsating pain that was quite literally a bit too close to the bone probably justified the dramatics - if any.

Her new found safe position of the moment had had her moving away from the deeply engrossing activity of counting the concentric circles on her sheet, as she'd laid there. Now just the black walls stared back at her curiously. She couldn't find anything amusing on the walls. The brush strokes were too close to count unfortunately.

The blessed soul who was her boyfriend had gone to sleep without a care in the world, and the pain on her back - the real thing, was keeping her occupied and disabling from mustering energy to spend on being angry at him. So she'd decided to pin that for later. But it would have been nice to have someone to distract her from the climbing crescendo that were the cramps. She wished she could just demand the attention without coming off as needy.Maybe that was a skill that only women in movies and dramas possessed. 

Through the pain, a sudden smile crept up her face. 

Two little children ran up to the swings. A little girl with pigtails and a not so little boy - well actually, he was just a little boy too, but to the girl, he wasn't that little, he was a big boy to her - run up to the two empty swings. The boy reached the swings first, and climbed on to one. She reached a few moments later;

"I want that one!" she pouted, pointing at the swing that the not-so-little-little-boy now swung on.

He shook his head, but jumped off that swing in a not very safe jump. But that was done, and the little girl claimed the swing, and was climbing on to it with great difficulty. She couldn't reach the swing that easily. 

The boy had, by now, gotten on the next swing, and it slowly started picking up speed again. 

The little girl with pig-tails sat moving around on the swing, but it was by no means swinging. 

"Push me!" she announced at him

He once again said nothing much, slowed down his happy swinging, jumped off not so safely, and came around to push her. He gave her four strong pushes and said "Move your legs forward when going upward, and back when going backward" . She obeyed dutifully, and was swinging merrily. He gave her one final push, and got back on his swing.

They swung that way side by side, in peace for a while. But, try as she might, her little legs could only produce enough momentum for the swings to keep swinging for a little while. Her swing slowly came to a stand still. She stayed still for all of three seconds before announcing yet again; "Push me!". And he did. 

He probably was tired of the on-and-off swinging, that he decided to head to the slide.

He hadn't taken five steps up those coloured rungs of the ladder leading to the top, before he heard her little voice shout for his attention; "I want to come there!" And she needed him to help her bring her swing to a stand still. 

He climbed back down the ladder, helped her off, and came back to the ladder of the slide. He'd taken just two steps this time luckily, before she wanted; "Me first!". He climbed back down, and let her go.

They ran around and around the slide; up and down and up and down, always her first. 

She got bored of the slide however, and wanted to go back to swinging. She struggled her way on to the seat of the swing again, and went "Push me!" once again.

The little boy was sliding with great gusto, and couldn't decide if he should leave that fun, to go push her. He stood near the slide, weighing his options. "PUSH ME!" came the more indignant shout. This time, he took a small step forward, as though walking in slow motion.

"Mumma, Ronna won't push me!" she screamed out to their mother, who was walking around the park with their grandmother.

"My name is NOT Ronna" the little boy humphed as he stomped over to the swing to push the little girl with pig tails. 

So she had been able to demand a man's attention and get it. Without coming off as clingy. Many had mentioned that she was the dominating sister, while he was the poor older brother who got bullied. But, that wasn't the case. Between them they knew.

She didn't demand his attention to dominate him. She never had to. She just did because she could, because he let her, because he liked knowing and letting her know that he didn't mind. 

She smiled contentedly at the wood grains on the cupboard from her new found comfortable position.

"You know, smiling while the rest of your face looks like strangled duck is a very becoming look on you" A not-at-all-little,-but-still-holding-a-striking-resemblance-to-that-mature-little-boy man came into the room, holding a hot water bottle.

"I know. Doesn't it? I'm thinking I'll practice this look, and use it in photos here after" Kayla declared as she shifted much more comfortably, with the hot water bottle doing wonders to her back. "How come you are awake so late?" she wanted to know

"I heard you tossing around, and saw the hot water bottle near the water counter, so figured you needed it but didn't get around to filling it. So brought it to you."

"And my lemon juice Ronna?" she grinned

"With half a tea-spoon salt right? I'll get that" he said, as he left. 

And just like that, it was easy to smile again. Easy to remember that the pain will go, and she was not alone in this. Had never been.

 

Empty Spaces

I just realized that some times, in the cases of some people in our lives; just knowing that they are there is enough.
Today, I found out that somebody like that, from a long time ago isn't there any more. Not on my friend list. I don't know when the unfriend-ing happened... and more scarily, why.
A part of me is telling me to continue to live in blissful ignorance
While another part is screaming out one of the obvious possibilities.

Empty spaces.... They don't seem to be getting filled
I just seem to collect those as a hobby.

Wondering and wondering and wondering and wondering.....
You know what.

-
You know who.

Broken Memories

All my bags.... or my bag is packed, and I'm ready to leave. Almost.
For someone who used to take pride of the fast that she was a fast packer, and a thorough one at that - I felt  sloppy today. Like I've suddenly lost my touch.
I've travelled quite a bit in the past one year, and have a million miles yet left to cover.
Was it just the packing?

How can almost two months, that felt so heavy with moments and memories be suppressed so easily?
Is the possibility of that rational?
Sane?

Just defence?

Don't know.

Will let you know if the concrete with which it has been covered, moulded and sealed away ever cracks... and if anything leaks through.
And when it does, I want these dates to be sealed away with it.

3rd May....9th....12th....17th.....26th.....June 11th...12th...
June 29th...
July 1st...3rd....4th

62 days.

Felt like 62 weeks

Feels like 62 seconds

A Smile in the corner of her lips

heyyyy

been a while

I'm all happy happy now... I don't know why.
You know that feeling? When you are are amused with random things, little flutters, smiles playing around with no strong reasons?
Not like the blown out happiness of being in love, but of the little excitement of almost being in love.

It's a beautifully sweet feeling.

Before you make assumptions, I do not have anyone I am falling in love with. Not even a strong crush at the moment. I am just loving where I am in life.
Making little discoveries, being interestingly surprised, learning more about myself by the theory of relativity. Has the last thing ever happened to you? Have you ever found out something about someone and gone : "Hey, she's all that, despite that, so I might be/ could be/ am all that too! Probably?:"

Someone recently told me that I am more of an American than an Indian. She was an American herself. And I told her, that I prefer to not be tagged with any particular nationality. I'd rather just be like culturally lost child, who by not belonging anywhere specific can belong everywhere. How awesome would that be? I already know at least one person like that. She's one of the most un-belonging person I know. And having the most fun.
How many of you read the last bit and went "Hey, me too!"
Becoming a global individual is becoming more and more common these days isn't it! :)
Good for us.

I still have an old button phone though :P

That little happy feeling

I have a target ... June July... before that though, I need to ask my cousin something. If I can reach her soon enough.

Leaving you with no answers,

As always,

Someday's dreamer

One Little Finger

This post is not about my little finger.
It is about my pointy finger.
(It is still little, when compared to me on the whole, so you see...)
Yesterday, I was doing something silly, and hurt my pointy finger. The one on my right hand. And right at the second joint, so I can't even bend it. It's pretty much a useless thing at the moment.

What I realized over the past day with my hurt pointy finger is ... are 3 different things.
1. How much I miss it
2. How easily it is replaceable
3. When it is not being useful, it is just getting in the way, hurting and making things uncomfortable.

I wanted to keep this only my little pointy finger ... but I have to pull out the metaphor.
A friend of mine recently had to stop being friends with another good friend of hers. Though she has unfortunately been unable to cover point 2, it's still the same feeling.
When something important to us, goes to a point where we can no longer treat it the same way, everything changes. It is difficult to work around it, but we eventually get used to it. To the point that we may even eventually wonder how it even felt to have it around in the first place.

It's been more than 5 whole years since my mom was around. I don't even think about her all the time any more. Last Christmas, when we went to our home town, we even forgot to visit her. We realized on the last day when it was too late. I felt a pang, but it wasn't that deep or strong.
I still do miss her. I still always wonder 'what if'. But I've learnt to live without her. I never thought I would, but here I am. I am probably refuting many of my own statements/ claims from yesteryear. Yet, it happened.  My mum would have wanted me to keep going on. Have other big problems, react to them normally. Feel. I do all that now. I still have to figure out who I want to be, and keep a promise. But I guess it is time for me to do it on my own this time. No excuses. :)

I just have a tiny teensy scrape on my finger. It'll be fine in a week max. I will even forget this time, when I have to remember to keep my pointy finger straight and away from things that'll hurt it more. My middle finger will then stop handling the issues it has now taken over, and go back to being the second/ third in the importance hierarchy.

I won't have to miss it, it will be useful. It won't be getting in the way and I will once again believe that it is irreplaceable :)
Maybe, if this leaves a scar, I shall notice it on some random moment and laugh to myself about what I thought now.

The point of this post?
Just my little pointy finger ;)

A Heartbeat

If you'd look back

I'd be yours in a heartbeat

You're not stopping

To come get me

Or to

Set me free

Its broken

The pieces near my feet

They're now in the trash can

I picked them

One by broken bleeding one

A heartbeat

They were broken 

Within a heart beat

We once sat

Together on a love seat

I now stand

Alone 

Under the rain clouds

What hurts me

Is that I let you go

I sent you far

I tore us apart

Yet

Here I stand

In the dark night

Without a heartbeat

That heartbeat

On a cusp

It's almost the midnight of 20th December 2012. We're two minutes away from 21.12.12, the day the world was prophesied to end.
I know it's not going to, my brain knows that it is a ridiculous idea. But my heart? It believes. Rather, it wants to believe. There is something so poetic about things like the world coming to an end, that makes me wonder what if. Will I regret anything? I'll regret regretting, so I shan't. It's funny...I'm typing super fast, so that I can hit on the 'Publish' button, just in case something starts to happen. Hehe. Its strangely a fun feeling.
Of course I'd rather it happen after 8 hours. Considering that the 2 people I care for most in this world aren't home right now, and are expected back only in the morning!
I've already packed for my trip tomorrow, but I haven't started studying for my exam a week from now. *Keke*
I guess tomorrow same time, when news reports of nothing majorly catastrophic turns up, and I'm sitting curled up in the bus, the biggest thought on my head would be "Damn, I have an exam coming up!" ;)
Nonetheless, if. IF.
If the world does end today (It's here! 21.12.12) I think I am happy about the life I've lead, and am glad I'll get to join my mum again :)
I didn't think I would have such a simplistic approach to death. And more of a curious interest in the end of the world. Nonetheless, I'm glad I now kind of know that I either lived big enough to be satisfied with it, or small enough to be content with it. A world of difference between the two, but I'm too eccentric to tell the difference for myself.
If we live to see another sunrise, I hope y'all had a time to rethink life a bit and get ready to start living again!
I for one, have...will have... an exam to ace, a book to publish, a relationship to explore, a temper to deal with all over again and a job to find! Phew!

Reminiscence

Its that time of the year again, when I'm forced to look back. On the year, on my life so far. My dad said make awesome memories for Christmas this year; this might be the last Christmas you spend as a single girl in this family. He said that last year, and I think he'll say it again next year :)

Two things bothering me, interestingly, both have korean effect on them. One is to do with age. Every January first, Koreans declare the age they will be that year as their age. So in 16 days, I would be considered as a 25 year old, if I were a Korean. Even otherwise, I have about 5.5 months left to get there. Have you seen the movie 'Never been kissed'? She was 25.
I've never been kissed. One guy gave me a peck on my head, and I punched him. That was four years ago. I don't regret not having been involved with anyone this year. That was a conscious choice. Nevertheless, I do regret not having been in more concrete relationships. I think I not only missed out on an essential growth phase/ developmental milestone, but it'll also affect any future relationship(s).
And hitting 25 without being kissed is rather pitiful. Still, I think I should be discussing this before my birthday, and not now. So case adjourned.

Second one is School life,... college life. Everyone says that the golden years of their lives was their school life and college years. I don't agree. Those were the years we wanted to grow out of the fastest.
Apart from the fact that my mother was around then, I didn't really like school or college life. My school life was, in one word - a mess. I never fit in. And I till date do not like the person I am around my school friends.
My undergrad days could have been better. They probably were... I had a much better hold of myself, and I grew as a person there. But it was a blur. It was textured with painful confused, mostly blocked away memories. To the extent that I don't even remember how I became friends with some of my current best friends. Yet, god bless their souls, they're around!
If I were to write another book, I'd like to write one based on school life though. A bunch of kids, co-ed, simple life problems...and the ultimate aim is to find their dreams for their lives. Small crushes, first love...relationships, and problems then that seem like the world's biggest. But gotten through with one solid set of friends.

If I were to define my golden years, its now. Its 2012, 2011, 2010... the freedom, the family, the friends. I loved these two years. I learnt so much about myself and the people around me in these years. Especially 2012.

2012
My biggest and most important moments/ realizations

I think for the first time, my sister and I connected, in a basic level. It was brief, we went too deep too fast. But now I know we can connect and we're not just sisters because we share blood.
She told me all about her life. And even when I was brutally cruel and judged her, when I had said I wouldn't, she forgave me. For that, I know she has the biggest heart ever. And that night, I will always regret my reactions. But that night, I knew I had a sister who was a passionate believer in God, and someone who knows what it is to get through the roughest storms life throws at you. I now know more about the sister, I once just knew as the girl who didn't cry out loud.

I realized that it wasn't just my mom who always supported my dreams, but my dad as well. He let me quit my job, he watched as I sat doing nothing for months, saying I'm trying to find my purpose in life, he didn't laugh when I said I wanted to write. He didn't make me feel embarrassed about writing a romance story. He read the whole thing, edited it, gave feedback, and is helping me publish it. How awesomely brilliant is that?!
My dad is impatient, he takes four steps instead of one. He jumps the gun... and I found that I get all that from him.

I found out that I am actually a very reliable person in times of emergencies. I have a cool head, and possibly a cold heart in those times. We faced the big cardio scare for my dad, and we got through it well and safe. Touch wood!
That week, I found out a whole lot of things.
-My family is the best support system anyone could ever ask for, hope for or wish for.
-Though I hate hospitals, I feel really safe in them. (Its not ironic, think about it :) )
-I don't cry when I have to be strong for others
-I have a ready made step back and be clinically organized me inside of me, who is very efficient
-I have a lot of good friends
-My fear of needles, pain and hospitals in general is definitely genetic. I am my father and mother's daughter.
-I still do turn to God and my mother when things get rough

There were a few firsts this year

I went on an arranged date for the first time this year. Dad was about 20 feet away. The experience? I'll probably never forget it, so not writing about it. But I was officially a nervous wreck for the three days that preceded this Diwali - when I met him. And found out that my nerves were actually quite reliable during the actual meet. So yaayy.

I stepped out of the country for the first time this year. Thailand was fun. The most fun day(s) were those 1.5 days I spent roaming around alone, exploring the city! The next time I leave this country, I hope its with just one good travel companion who is ready to try out everything. But the shopping was awesome fun!

I finished not one, but 2 books! One, my friend's story - as a gift for her wedding. Another, which is currently in the publisher hunting phase and actually one more collection of short stories which I gave a friend for her birthday.

One of my best friends got married, and I was with her throughout. It was an amazing but emotionally exhausting experience :)

Those were the firsts...
Some other important things of 2012

*My edu loan was paid off - yaayy!!
*Three new nieces! Flower girls :D (All born in the beginning of this year. I'm yet to see one of them, hope to before the end of this year!)
*Our home went through a lot of revamping this year. A LOT!
*I still haven't started driving properly ( :/)
*I found that we dont need a purpose in life, we need a reason instead. (This is probably a big one. But since the realization came in such a simple way, I'm putting it here, with ample happiness in my heart.)
*I made new friends, kept the old ones that mattered, made big mental decisions, and had to let go of one very important friend. (This is a big one, but I don't know where it fits, and neither do I want to write anymore about it)
*My book was more of a closure in many aspects
*I still don't think I am or will be comfortable with touch gadgets. I still have phones and netbooks and haven't shifted to touch phones and ipads. Buttons are good!
*I think I watched the maximum number of korean dramas this year, and have probably become and official addict *gasp*
*A good friend got married, one of the most extravagant gorgeous weddings I've witnessed!
*A really good friend go married, I couldn't make it
*Another friend got married, and I couldn't make it to that either.
*My cousin, younger than me by 2 yrs, is going to get married, and I will be attending! First relative, younger than me who is going to get married - mixed feelings, I'll tell you how it feels when I find out
*Many many many trips - Kolkatta (yum and cheap food!), Cunoor (Again, Lamb's rock is really the best! I want to get married there!!!), Coimbatore (All the cousins and nephews and nieces), Bangalore (More cousins and nephews and nieces!), Mahabalipurum (Drive with a girl is a whole different experience!), Velankanni (Family bonding, and wooww early morning drives)
*I didn't get along very well with my grandmother this year. Not proud of it.
*I actually went to a doctor for my skin!!! Me! And even more surprisingly, I was able to give up sweets and chocolates for almost two months straight! The battle is still on, it is surprisingly easy to not include artificial sugar once you get used to it.
*I briefly tried teaching at college, but I remember the horrendous travel aspect more - and I was asked to quit.
*There was one earthquake I felt this year. Taylor Swift's Safe and Sound is really an apt song for calming people at natural calamities.

2012 was amazing. A lot happened, but more than what is here, more happened in my head. 2012, I know I grew up and matured in just my way of thinking. Maybe not by leaps and bounds, but at least a little :)
There were a lot of things which were so much richer because of how they felt... good and bad. Arguments, hospitals, best friends weddings, closures, meeting someone new, meeting someone old.... it was a damn interesting year!
And it's not even over yet! I have exams, weddings, family vacation and Christmas before it closes.
Wow right? :D

This was fun :)

That Nice Feeling :)

Have you heard the song 'Colour Blind'?

Advent
A surprisingly sweet couple goofing off near a river
Simple uncomplicated reassurances
My book shaping up nicely
Hot soup
Cold Soda
Conversations
An old celebrity crush remembered
A good blog post (!)
An upcoming vacation
One more closure silently achieved
Small realizations
Pink bells
December
Love
Day dreams
Midnights

All of these...
Some of these?
Or maybe none of these
Have left me feeling good right now
Quiet contentment
Just the way I like it :)

Love...From what I've seen and understand

When we're 16 to 19
Falling in love is like a reckless dive. We give it our all - heart and soul.
Though it is a time when we're learning to define ourselves away from our parents, Love at that time is more of a support system than a defining factor. It's our first step beyond the boundary.
At that age, it's beautiful, it's completely for the present, and almost like there ain't no grey.
The heart is given a free reign.

When we're young adults - 19 to 30
A time of life when almost everything is about the future. Love is too.
We evaluate people based on how well they will be a match for us, and how good a company they would be in the future. We don't want to give it our all, but most of us wouldn't have perfected restraint in a relationship. Because of that, it is passionate.
It is a war between the mind and the heart.
For some, the mind rules. For some, the heart rules. A rare precious few find the perfect balance. The rest just waddle in the pool between one end and the other- often taking many laps.

When we hit middle age
We've found stability... if not in our lives, at least mentally.
Love isn't a want, just a basic need. It doesn't have to be passionate, companionship means more.
Restraint is perfected with or without practice. It isn't about the past, present or future exactly. It is more about one's understanding of one self, over his past and present. Evaluations of the future is not about - will my partner contribute to it or hinder it, rather, will my partner fit into it.
Here, the mind rules the heart. They learn the balance between themselves.


And then there are some others like me, to whom love is a book or a video, read or watched, enjoyed from a distance, for the amusement they provide. And maybe dreaming of a someday when the umbrella is held over two heads instead of one.

There's a song... no story that's inside my head

I know I keep saying that I ride every emotion I have
Right now though, I don't know how I feel
Mellow?
Probably the result of a day that started with the sunrise at the shell filled shore line, and went on to meet twilight with a sub, a friend and some Italian fresco ... and has been on one gentle emotional melancholy since then. Three hours since then.
I haven't finished the book. I thought I had, but I've finished only one angle,forgot two others in the happiness of finishing one angle. No worries though. As I rode to the the beach (pillion) this morning, in the crisp dawn air, it all started falling into place again. So there is the story inside of my head.
One silly little boy helped with another story as well.
When there are no strong emotions riding you, the night is a beautiful place to be.
I think the night is like the sea. When it is calm, it's the best. But when it gets rough, run for your life.
Recent events had me avoiding the night for a while. I've been sleeping early, and studiously avoiding any encounter with after-11s like a girl avoiding her crush in the hallway. I met the night with all the fury unleashed, and boy was she scary.
I've ventured back here though... unable to stay away I guess.
Am I scared? Not right now.
Am I cautious? Completely. Not yet ready for human contact post 11.

It's nice though, the peace. The story in my head, people walking around deciding what they would do, in that little world I created.

I'm slightly hungry too. And I smell pudding in the air... I wonder if they had just that for dinner, when I was away enjoying mine. Anyway, after all my crazy mood swings, I think I'm finally back to almost stable again.

Resolutions? Working on them.

Hope your life is happy and peaceful.

Loads of love,
Night owl once again,
Yours always,
Someday's Dreamer.

Skeletons in my cupboard

This last week has been a confront the past week.
It's coming to thrash me in all sorts of ways!
Be it a four hour chat with my sister I wasn't mentally prepared for, or an old friend letting me know that he's returning, or someone I had completely written off endorsing me (no less) on a social network site or someone from the last year giving me an update about this year.
This last week, the only confrontation I was ready for was meeting my nemesis at a wedding - the only thing that didn't happen last week.
I guess it is true when they say: When it rains, it pours.

I don't like change that I am not ready for, even as simple as moving the furniture. So when it is as big as confronting someone's past, or accepting someone coming back in the future, or even accepting that some people I had written off are trying to wheedle their way back (God knows why), I need time to get used to it. Time to get ready for it.
Since I wasn't, I messed up BIG time in that chat. When you spend a life time thinking something was your fault, and living a confused and ill adjusted life, admiring and envying another for how well they dealt with the same thing I couldn't, just to be told out of the blue that they had a much tougher time than I did, shock is expected by default. Shock, denial, and trying to focus on the future and everything as I knew it, instead of what it actually turned out to be. Saying things I shouldn't have, or probably in the wrongest way possible was just the beginning.
I need to remember that the next time I feel that I need time to mentally prepare myself for a conversation, I should leave the room immediately and not stick around to realize too late that the conversation has already begun.
Do I regret it? That I listened - not at all.,That I used my mouth then - COMPLETELY. Sew me up somebody!
And then something that I was maybe slightly prepared for. Or not... I was prepared for the return of my ex-best friend, not for an email communicating the same. One that I replied to after messing up that a-fore mentioned conversation. One that has been pinging back and forth as one liners, which brings with it essays, no volumes of past memories, which are being brutally shut down.
Then someone, I notice has been in my territory. Someone who was banished from my past completely has been in a mall which is officially my territory. I mention that to my friend, and we rant about how awful it is when someone we don't like invade into "our" places. And what do I find later, an endorsement! How would he even know what I'm good at? Here, hopefully I'm a little cleverer and shall not reply. And more importantly - I hope that wasn't his feeble excuse to get back into my life. No thank you.

Luckily for me, last week also had balancers like my close friend coming back home for a short holiday - so got to spend some quality time there. Good progress on my book by channeling all those emotions, a fun filled gamey blogger meet, where I got to go to a beautiful palacey place, meet some amazing people, eat yummm food, play tons of games like I've been wanting to and win stuff :D and finished off by a long chat about a lot of different things with a friend to wind down the craziness of the week with some super sinfully delicious cold dark chocolate drink.

All of the above have ensured that I don't go completely crazy, which I felt I just might.
But I did cut off my hair, myself, late last night. It might sound crazy to read, but it ain't that bad. My hair has always been my venting and experimenting point, so it's super short now. But I like it, turned out not bad. Only regret was that I had added highlights to my hair just the week before, and a lot of it has been cut off. I hope I don't get to this state for a while again, or I might have to go bald next!

I am seriously considering being in silence for a few days... I've definitely reduced the amount I talk. It's almost like the place where my words meet my voice has frozen over, and only the very very important words get through it alive. Which right now is a damn good point.

The book is getting to be longer than I expected. It should hopefully be done very soon. It's current state is like a half baked marble cake. Lets see how it ends.

Have an amazing Halloween!

Best wishes from me and the skeletons!

The Reason

Sometimes, the most important things can come to you in the most unexpected manner. I've been looking for a purpose to live for quite a while now. It felt like there was no point to it. To anything.
Today, in flash of a look passed between a guy who was holding on to a very very thin ray of hope, and the girl who believed he could win the race, I found what I was looking for. The answer I was desperately searching for.

It is the reason we live. And not exist.

Purpose is a big word - and I don't thing all of us were meant to/ lucky enough to find it that easily. I still don't know if there is a purpose to our living; one that we can/ are supposed to know when we're still living. Unlike characters in a play, we don't know where we're headed, so we don't know if our character has a role to play in the main plot, or the twist in the plot, or just a supporting role. At least I don't for sure.
Maybe the purpose is for retrospect.

The reason on the other hand lies in the more tangible things in front of us. We all have reasons for living - breathing, moving reasons who love us. There are also other reasons for living/ Doing well/ doing something -

A dream to achieve - we have a million of those from when we're born, and a few of those definitely outshine the others.

Someone's belief in us - Might not be as blatant as seen in the movies, your family or friend might not come running to you screaming "We believe in you", or say "I live to make your dream come true!" But they are silently cheering us on, like we do for them.

The gift of potential
or maybe just the need of the hour.

I found a reason to live, many actually, out of which at least 4 are very important :)

I know I've been doing stuff to make like seem less of an existence, but now I just have to put life into it. Because passion comes with reason :)

~Theme song of the post: "The Reason" by Hoobastank ~
(Well of course right :) )

Somewhere I belong

I'm here.
I suddenly had this urge to comeback here. Where I completely totally fully belong :) Here which is mine!

I've been thinking a lot about how it works. The whole marriage thing. My dad occasionally jokes about a January wedding, and I normally play along.
You know how the thought process has two surfaces right? One where you react to a stimulus as though it is a random scenario, and two, the deeper one, where you connect it to you and react to it - like you would if it really happened. Since my dad is mostly just kidding, I know that I just have to play along, but occasionally I wonder - what if they suddenly do find somebody and there is a January wedding? Then I'll need my entire bank balance to run away and stay in hiding for 6 months or so! There is no alternate to it.
Anyway, it won't happen. So it's ok. But you know, just in case!

This world is a funny place. My aunt and uncle came visiting yesterday. The entire time uncle spoke to me, he was telling me seemingly opposite things - You should pick the one you marry, and get married after you really know him, and that I should get married completely. Also, 2 months before engagement, then a year before the wedding, but once engaged, shouldn't break it off. When I argued that a 1 year before engagement and 2 months before wedding will make more sense if that engagement rule is so strong, he was against it. I gave up and went to my smile and nod mode.

By the way, I told you I'm working on a book right?
It's a decent set-up and all that, but this one won't become ridiculously famous. Like the one(s) I eventually want to write. I was just thinking, even if I do use an alias - with the internet and all, will you (bloggy) get discovered? Do I want that to happen?
If it happens na, you and I understand each other, but will others do?
What if, like meesa they decide that I'm "really hurting inside" and bring me tulips? I'll want to punch them. Chincharoo.

This society is kind of strange you know? I know all societies have quirky bits. Here, my dad doesn't tell any of his friends that his daughter is jobless. I am! And I'm quite cool with it :P He tells them either that I am studying (Which is technically true, I am doing my masters) or that I'm writing a book (Something I dont even want to tell most of MY friends about!). Why am I pulling society into this? Because, had I been married, and sitting at home joblessly, no one will even ask "What is your daughter doing?"
Being married is by itself a big thing I guess? Double standards though.
I'm not liking this! Tut tut tut.
Anyway, recession is fully on, so as far as I am concerned, perfect time for me to take my first book break, and see how far I can go as a serious writer. I'm really loving writing! Even when it became something I considered as a possible source of income, I still love it. I write on sundays, I think about it at 2 AM. Loving it is in fact an understatement!
Only thing worrying me, is that the idea for the next book hasn't come yet. Hope it just pops up one day concretely, like this one did!

Another thing happening to me is I am becoming very distractable. Even when I'm talking to someone, it feels like just that one conversation is not enough. So I think about something, or start noticing things in the environment. I'm not liking this :( I really really want to be able to give 100% attention when I am conversing with someone. Anyone. I love it when people do that, and I want to too. Its probably all the colour that I keep watching. Hope I learn to focus more!

Tons of other things are happening to various people in my life. It doesn't directly affect me, most of the time. But it does, it changes the way I react to certain things. I'm really glad I am where I am though. I might not have been a while ago, but I am now.

AAhhhhhh! This was good :) I missed this little random me times I can have here. By the way, the climate's finally becoming better. It's cooling down :) Rains are on and off ... off for now. But no complaints.

Love to all !
Ta :)

P.S: I've been thinking about you mummy! A lot lately. Paati too.We miss you :)
She wants me to dedicate the book you. Which I am anyway going to. Obviously.
Hope you're happy where you are.
The throat still closes up when I think about you, silly thing.
I'm drinking milk everyday, without sugar, so it smells like the morning you.
I'm cooking more too. Apart from the amout of chilli powder to add, I'm able to learn the rest quickly-ish.
Aaaaahhhhhh miss you. Wish you were here.
Come in my dreams!
Love you :)

When the back door opened!

It's been raining for a few days now, and days are lovely.
Every night, for the past few nights, like clockwork - it starts raining at 12:30 AM. It's not helping my nocturnal-ness become normal again one bit! Just about when I wonder if I should maybe hit the sack early, the wind starts howling first. Like a teaser. Even though I don't normally go out at that, I can feel it from the inside. Feel it just by the sound.
Last night it rained again. (After I'd gotten back in from rain watching), as my grandma rushes from her room, and goes out back.
Behind our house, we have a pretty big roofed back yard, where clothes are hung during the rainy season, amongst other things. The whole place is surrounded by a 4 feet wall, above which are metal grills. When its raining hard, if the clothes are not hung on the two sides of the room that are towards the house, and have full walls, they get wet from the rain coming in through the grills. So my grandma was rushing to get them. I followed to help and realized the awesomeness of that place!

So far, every time it rains at night,  I always rush to the front. The front though, has a roof that extends well beyond the front door, so no chance of getting to feel the rain from there.
The back was completely different. It was brilliant! Next time it rains, I'd be rushing there here on :)

Nevertheless, last night I stepped out front as usual (Before my grandma woke up and rushed out!) when it went from drizzling to pouring. I stood there,in what's becoming my usual place, my head stuck to the railing on my door. It was so gorgeous out there, that I'm pretty sure I laughed out loud in happiness a few times too.


The sound of the wind, through the rain - pure magic!
And when that wind find you, carrying with it stray droplets, its like a small slice of heaven being shared with me. I don't think I can ever ever help closing my eyes in those moments and trying to just take it aaalll in. Like I did last night too, greedily!
As I stood there, I saw a vehicle suddenly light up the road.
See, light in rain is a beautiful thing. The lamp post near my house sheds pretty yellow light on the rain below it. The whole thing has an antique delicate feel to it.
Light from vehicles are a different thing. With the change in angle, the focus is more on power of the rain, which is quickly followed by a small demonstration of the power of the human, as he goes slashing through it. So yesterday I watched the head light briefly light up the entire street, accompanied by a hoot. Not thunder, but a human. A girl. There were in front of me too, a girl riding pillion in a bike driven by a guy. (Obviously - right?) When I think about it now, though the whole thing happened in about 3 seconds, the memory is in slow motion for me.
The girl had her arms wrapped around the guy. And when they passed in front of me, like a piece of perfect direction, she unwrapped her arms, spread them wide, palms facing up, hooted while looking upward too, then wiped her face and laughed. The street was lit up by the bike's head light, but she was lit by the street lamp. For one moment, it was pure poetry, and she was a painting.


Some moments can be captured, others are better off left in the memory.

Mission 7 Hours

Its finally here. The night I spend awake, and weblogging through it.
I have to stay awake till 5 AM tomorrow morning.
Reason: Not Important. (Something along the lines of it being easier to wake someone at 5 by not sleeping the whole night, rather than using artificial devices such as alarm clocks. Well, I told you it wasn't important)
Supplies: Endless number of movies and dramas, a story to write, a book to read, pizza, juice and other food supplies, (Including apples which help one stay awake).
Additional resources: Friends who will be up for the greater part of the night
Prior preparations made: A short three and a half hour nap earlier this evening.
Threats: A looming head ache

Time: 10: 30 PM.
Task for the next forty five minutes: Writing

Time: 11:09 PM
I haven't started writing yet.
But I have something else to show and discuss:

 Bedrooms! (Okay, the inspiration did not come from thinking about sleep too much, when I wont be getting any)
The inspiration was this picture of the bedroom here. Quite innovative right?
I'm pretty sure it might be a soothing experience too ... though not for me. I think I'd personally keep wondering what would happen if the tank develops a crack at anytime, and water starts dripping. Or worse, just breaks and flood the entire place, and there are creepy wriggly fish trying to live.
For innovation, I'd give it an 9 though!

This seems to be the perfect room for sisters; 2 or more. Not much storage that I can see. But I love the shape of the room, the soft colours and the obviously comfortable bedding. I would in fact really love to remodel this room, if I had a couple of daughters some day. I'd keep the bunk beds. I'll obviously keep the window seats, love those. But I'll take of the 2 square beds on the right, and replace it with a nice fun work table so to keep the sun still fully accessible through the windows.
Love the little boat in the ledge too.. and I hope there is a wind chime dangling somewhere there.





This I love purely for the softness and the sleepiness that just this picture brings! Brilliant use of space too.
(No no not sleepy now!)

 Talking about economical use of space ...

Not that I'd ever want to live here. But I like the concept. I get that putting the bed on top would mess with the openness of the space they seem to have part of the plan - with the yellows and all. Pretty good choice of furniture for this design. If I ever were to live in a studio, This model would definitely be considered! Maybe the bed might be put upright, instead of down below.

Tacky. Pink. Not even for the girliest of my daughters

Here, coming up is my dream.

The perfect way to put me to sleep. 

My biggest wish (After the porsche, the big big house, and a few other things...)

Umm...let me restate that... my biggest attainable wish *Lets out a little dreamy sigh*

I present to you..!!! (Drum roll) 

Dudududududududududududuudud DISH!

THE SWING BED!!!

Isn't she a beauty?

In fact, have it as a theme for the house 

This one is going extreme, but it reminded me of rock a bye baby.

Gory nursery rhyme that always way! 

Here is the adult version of it

:P

Since we were talking about themes for the house, these are few other aspects I'd like to be in the house.

This love indoor pool for one! I especially love the staircase leading right in. It'll of course be a big draw back when it rains, because I love pools in the rain. But that can easily be rectified by having a part of it which is not under the roof. Cool right?

Isn't this a gorgeous set up? And the woods in the back ground too!

Time: 12:06 AM

Barely 5 hours left!

Time: 12: 25 AM

The pizza is out. One half of it.

Gonna watch a few variety shows now.

Variety shows are game shows or talk shows basically, and are mostly hilarious.

Watching them alone means I'd be sitting and hooting with muted laughter in the middle on the night. But no one would know apart from you and me. And the best part of reading is that some silly things don't sound so silly when you read it :P

Time: 12: 46 PM

Small update, I just got confirmation for my first assignment as a freelance trainer. Around the end of this month. The pay isn't brilliant, but the working hours are lean and it gives me a ton of flexibility. Hope this works out well!

Going back to my show now.

-Time capsule [ 10:52 PM to 12:06 AM]

This bit has been inserted on recommendation

During that time, earlier this night, I happened to converse with a friend.

First normal conversation (which didn't involve calling each other stupids and idiots - okay, not too much) after quite a while. We've had a few recent events (ahem ahem) which are still in the process of being resolved.

That friend of mine, who comes from the same cultural background as I do; but seems to have forgotten many salient features of the same. Which led to the apology becoming a cause of further concern.

Though the latter part was resolved today. The judgement on the main problem is yet to be revealed.

Today's conversation though went from

offers of anything > alaska (what was requested)> las vegas (which was suggested - and declined)> Prince Harry (Due to his recent Vegas fiasco > Orientations and the psycho-physiological make up of them > Swings and the like > Furniture .... Blah blah ...

End of time capsule. (I guess friend not completely forgiven yet, but when someone claims they don't care, oh well. Muhahahaahhahah.)

-

Time: 1:08 AM

With less than 4 hours to go, the night continues!

Time: 1:19 AM

Thunder! Thunder! I hear thunder :D

Would rain be coming to see me to keep me company this night?

Time: 1:22 AM

Its here Its here! Its here!

It's raining :)

Giant big drops, such a beautiful shower.

Different place, different time, I would have run out at that.

Here at home, I could only look through locked doors.

Its a pretty pretty sight nevertheless :)

Time: 2:27AM

The rain is over now

After writing a total of 137 words, I am now starting to wonder if the mission might fail!

Sleepiness is taking over. Everything I set my eyes on is looking like a good place to rest, even the arm rest of the couch I sit on right now.

I think I might give in. Am I too weak willed?

Time: 4:07 AM

I am strong willed after all. I got around to writing, and I think I made good progress there. 

I like writing at night, the words just flow.

In the day time, it feels like I have to think of every emotion I write about, but now, I just have to write what I see in my head.

With less than an hour to go, the count down is on!

Before I began writing, I was watching this Drama named King 2 Hearts (If you're a drama watcher, and this is on your to watch list, skip to the next time stop!). Those who don't watch drams, well, just skip to the next time stop.

I'm in episode 19, where Skihyung dies. I was so irritated by it, inspite of the fact that I started the drama knowing he would die.I'm irritated, rather than sad about his death because:

1. His death did not contribute to the plot, apart from being a very sad turn of events.

2. It would have made sooooo much more narrative sense, if they had killed eun gyu tae (his father) in his place, in this manner, as the father betrayed the king. The father did a lot of outright illegal, forget evil things, but his son dies - after staying faithful to the king throughout.

3. If the father had died, professing his loyalty - That would have made me forgive his character

4. Shikyung was needed - The princess loved him, he was incredibly loyal to the king, and given to natural conditions, he would outlive his father by another 40 to 50 years, which would be very useful for the young king - being as he was the king's only friend.

5. The king said that he would live the rest of his life guilt ridden if shikyung dies, but within 5 minutes (drama time) of his death, he announces that he cannot do that because he's the king. I say, SAY WHAT?!

Due to above mentioned reasons, I'm going to modify the drama in my head. And not like the real drama too much either.

Time: 4:26 AM

Alone she sat

As do I

Time: 4:41 AM

The end is near

Time: 4:52 AM

Who's aweomely gonna yell "Mission Accomplished!" in 8 minutes? Me!

In my head of course. And here !

I finished writing a good chunk, and am in the process of sending it to my editor :)

Sounds cool na? She's a friend :)

Time: 4: 56 AM

Already woke my uncle, who was half awake anyway. Now just got to stay awake till he leaves to catch his train. (After 5:00 Of course!)

Time: 5:00 AM

(To be read with the same flourish as 'I'm on top of the world!'

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED !!!!

Now I just got to get one of the many internet portals to work, to send the chapter across to her.They're all crashing on me. You think, maybe, they are as sleepy as I should be?

Time: 5:09 AM

After 5.5 hours of fighting in the line with me, my trusted netbook is dying with 12 % charge. So this is my last update. I'm going to sit around sleepily till my time to retire comes. It will be soon, I can feel it.

With the satisfaction of having done decent work for one night, I bid you adieu :)

(Hey that rhymed!)

Time: 5:10 AM

(My birthday :P Sorta :P in the month date format)

This is it.

Ta!

Gu morning, and sweet dreams :)

It wasn't me!

This place is rapidly becoming my sleep diary, and i am well aware of it.
My happy bubble that existed today morning had now been ruthlessly burst, by my gleeful sister with my father as a witness!
Apparently, I ... (am too sad to even admit it) sleep talked!
I don't sleep talk! I'm not that kind of a person, I've always prided myself on being a very peaceful, light sleeper. One who doesn't have any funny sleep habits. Sleep talking is not allowed :(
And my dad who happened to over hear it while passing by (Late nights for me, means that his morning is my midnight) claims that it was quite a lot. Not even just 3 words, that my sleepy sister heard.
What do I do now? What is happening to me???

The other side of the river

I'm here.
Did you miss me?
Please say you did!
I've had a rough couple of days
It takes so much effort not to think of someone sometimes
How does a person who stops talking to you
Just like that
whom I wished for his birthday
who replied with when he's coming back
See me online and not say a thing
Granted, I didn't say a thing either
But I apologized
And all you said was 'ok'
You expect me to wave the white flag again?
Even after the birthday wish
Which was technically again darn it!
And yet
So its basically you don't care?
If you didn't,
Why would you tell me when you were coming back to the country?!?
If you did,
Is your ego that big?
Do I not matter at all?
Does the fact that we were best friends
Amount to absolutely nothing to you?
Forgotten already?
Finished the bloody chapter?
Good for you!
Now I'll do that too !

Damn it ! How can a supposed best friend stop talking to you, and continue not talking even after I apologized... even after I stayed up till midnight to wish Happy Birthday. Damn fickle human bonds!

If you ever decide to talk to me again, you bloody well have an 8 page long apology ready!

And damn me if I ever forgive you for this.

P.S: I am not drunk. Just very very very irritated at some people's ability to just cut off bonds and eat it up like its some cheese cake.
Aish chincha !

Phoenix

I saw a documentary a long time ago, about a lady who was a hundred and twenty years old.
She definitely did not look it... black hair... teeth intact ... she said that around her 105th year, her teeth started to grow back. And her hair started to become black after her 100th year.
Doctors have said its  possible too, that the human body revives itself - sort of recycling, after a 100 years or so.
Basically, if you survive long enough, you just might be born again!

The night is like that too.. till 10, I was wide awake... as it approached 11:30...12:00..then 1:00 AM... I was almost dropping asleep. But now, here at 2:15 AM, I am wide awake again!

If we cross that one line, its like the starting/ finishing line in a long distance run, we can keep re starting I guess.

Last week was really intense for me. So many big things happened. So much so, that I needed to write things in a note book before coming here again. But I didn't write it yet.

It started with .. a spiritual awakening?
Medical marvel ... on 7th August
The same day when my loan actually got paid off - the bank had made some mistake earlier on
I also got a job
Declined it
Finished my first book

I haven't lived through such an emotionally heavy week in a long time!
But there, here I am again, enjoying the rainy seasons, and rejoicing over small things like new head phones once again.

We sure do live a funny life
Going around and around in circles
And occasionally witnessing miracles

Nae nae nae kasumi toeg :)

That's Korean for 'my my my heart bursts'
It's lyrics from the song, I was listening to the wind rustling and happily calmly compiling a rhymey baby poem about stuff I liked. Of course I mentioned rain and thunder and all that.

All the while, I heard the transition from the soft breeze to the stronger rustles to the soft thunder, slow drizzle and the rain. Natures song and poetry, some of the best compositions I've ever heard.

When I find my self almost mentioning rain for the third time, I couldn't resist. I had to go out, at least for a moment and see it...feel it...hear it...smell it from up close. And that's when nae kasumi taeg !

Absolutely love this feeling :)
Hope you have many heart bursting moments too!

P.S: The song is called Jaywalking, and it is a drama O.S.T sung by Sung Joon. Lyrics below!

“Jaywalking”

The moment I first see you, you turn my head, time stops Right now, I can’t even see if the light’s green or red I don’t need anything My heart just heads toward you Oh, my love I run blindly ahead and hold you Just as I am, like this I run without fear and hold you When I see you, so beautiful, my, my, my heart goes thud

I don’t care about rules, what anyone says, or whoever blocks me Even if I collapse or shed tears, I’ve only got one path I don’t need anything My heart just heads toward you Oh, my love I run blindly ahead and hold you Just as I am, like this I run without fear and hold you When I see you, so beautiful, my, my, my heart goes thud My heart goes thud My heart goes thud My heart goes thud My heart goes thud