How long is too long?

A day? A week? A month? six? A year?

500 days.

That's how long our long distance relationship is.

1.5 years.

If you think it's long, it feels longer.

The saddest part is the forgetting. Forgetting of how he smells, or how tall he is when he stands next to me, the warmth of his hand against my shoulder. Forgetting how it feels to hold hands or be enveloped in that hug.

There are other hurdles too - time difference. Oh so confusing!! And of course difficult to find free times that overlap.

The biggest hurdle is not knowing the expression of the other person. Thirteen times out of Forteen, I have no idea what his face is saying in parallel to the words I hear, or the silences I feel. Even in the one time we video call every week, it's oh-so-easy to hide your face casually, away from the small front camera, away from the small phone screen.

We prepared for this a lot though. We made a list of 50 things we'd do together over the year to stay connected. Now I don't even remember what those things were! *Quickly refers excel sheet*
Things so random - Like no watching TV days, send snail mails, cook together, learn to make things on your own and so on.

We didn't do most of them,

We did do a few - we have a shared blog that I love, we video call at least once a week, we made pizza together once, we baked together once. That's it.

We have taken trips on our own, we did learn to make new things, read books and new skills - but not as together activities. Just as things to fill our time.

What works, the only thing that works is communication. I can't stress this enough.

In a long distance relationship, you can't expect your partner to interpret your silences or hug you when you look down. You need to verbalize EVERYTHING. It's a state where some of even what is said trickles through the sieve, unresponded to. And anything that is not said is lost to the other, for no fault of theirs.

He's a talker, it was easier for him. But talking is something I had to learn to do. Sometimes, (read most :P ) he has ten things he's started talking about when I'm still trying to verbalize one. However, we learnt through this distance to listen to each other. To be there for each other from so far away.

That was what made the last 401 days so easy. That's what's making the 99 that's left look like child's play :)

Three Ladoos

Occasionally, I go to office on my scooter.  A couple of those times, at a Subway close to my home, I’ve spotted this really wrinkly old man – pushing his rickety old cart up. The first time I saw him, he was struggling to push his cart. Despite his cart being mostly empty, he is old and mostly bones, and was really putting all of his might into it, and yet moving only a few feet per minute.

The first time I saw him, after a brief internal discussion, I turned left at the signal (instead of going straight) parked my scooter, and went (walking against the traffic) to help him drag his cart up. The entire time I was pulling (he was pushing from the other side) he kept saying “Paravalla ma” “Naa pathikraen ma” and “Thanks ma”

Sometimes, when I stop to help someone, or even see someone like this, I wonder; It’s their job, they choose to do it, so maybe they should be fine? They probably won’t find someone to help every time, so why help occasionally – it probably doesn’t make a difference anyway!

Like once, my boyfriend and I spotted and old man looking obviously lost on the street, with 2 big bags. We helped him get in the car after asking him where to go. “The big gate, near the turning, at the corner” were his directions. We took him right to the corner, found the big gate, helped him get off. As we – a very satisfied couple, turned the car, he was still standing outside staring at the gate. We asked him what was up and he looked even more confused than before, and said, that doesn’t look like the right gate. Worried now, we helped him get in again, and turned out that the gate he was looking for was a mere metres from where we’d picked him up. Close to the turning we were supposed to take. He’d mentioned corner, and we’d assumed corner of the road we were on. Since then, I’ve been a bit wary of helping old people especially. They’re not the clearest when articulating what they want sometimes.

Last Wednesday, I saw him again. This time, his cart was overflowing, and he was panting and his toothpick sized legs were really struggling. If he’d moved feet earlier, this time, he was moving inches. He had hardly come up 1/3^rd the bridge through three traffic cycles. So, I parked my bike again, and went to help him haul it up. This time, there was no protest from his side. He was obviously too tired and glad to have any help. This time when we reached up and turned left, he gave the happiest wrinkliest smile ever, and told me a “Romba Thanks ma”. I was glad that the decision of my internal discussion was to stop and help him, even though I’d been hungry.

I realized then that it doesn’t matter if it’s their job. Or, if they may not find someone to help them everyday. Maybe God sends us along to help them when they need that extra boost.

Today, on my way to work, on my scooter again, I was crossing a bus stop, when a lady waved me to stop and said “Please drop me at the end of the road” (in Tamil) The road is on my way, and a good 3 km stretch. I stopped, she handed me a plastic bag and requested I keep it in front – I hung in on the little storage holder hooks provided in scooters. When it was time to get off, I gave her the plastic bag back. She opened the plastic bag and asked me to pick one of the little pouches inside. “My daughter is getting married” she said with pure pride and happiness that only parents can express. “These are sweets for that.” She beamed and hurried away. Sputtering out a congratulations, I looked happily at the pouch with three ladoos in my hand. My Monday was made!

How to put a baby to sleep

Once upon a time,
In a land far far away
There lived many little babies and their mommy.
Luckily for her, she knew how to put them to sleep - so she too could sleep peacefully at night.

This would probably be a fairy tale that many of my girl friends would weep over - happy tear, tears of hope.

I'm going to share a secret here. One that is actually quite well known, and practiced widely worldwide. How to put your baby to sleep.
How did it all come about? Being one of the youngest among my cousins, I have many nieces and nephews. One December, cousins who had just entered parenthood a few months ago, brought with them their 5-month-old baby girl. That trip was the first "vacation" for that little thing, but having come from a cooler place, not to mention random people poking at her and carrying her, she struggled. My cousins were tired, 5 months of little to no sleep can do that to people. Luckily for them, I knew the secret that isn't quite a secret - How to put a baby to sleep.

The Secret?

Read to him/ her. 

Sounds too simple to be true? Well, it is though. 

It's not the story or the adventure that puts them to sleep, it's the rhythm. 
Read a bed time story softly, slowly and with a constant pace, you'll have the baby sleeping in no time. It's almost like an easier lullaby for those who are tone deaf 😉
This is also much less stressful and tiring than trying to rock your baby to sleep or other means. 

Another essential Characteristic of Bed Time stories is how they begin. 
Have you noticed that so many fairy tales begin with "Once Upon a Time"
Did you think that all writers in that era started their stories with those four words? Nah. It was edited into the story by the fairy tale book publishers. 
Why though? Conditioning. 
Conditioning is not a negative thing. It can be just a comfortable pattern that our brain gets used to sometimes. When a child hears "Once upon a time" or when a baby hears the tone with which you say those words, and that particular pattern on sounds, after a few repetitions of this event, they'll know it's sleep time. 

It doesn't have to be a fairy tale for a baby. When my niece was crying, I used to read her articles from a magazine that was available! You can read the news! Just start it with Once Upon a Time.

Disclaimer: Of course there has to be one! 😉
If your baby is crying because of hunger/illness, this method won't work.
It most other situations of unrest, this will at least calm babies down, if not put them to sleep completely.

Try it, and let me know if it works! :)
Sweet dreams!

Going the Distance

Long ago, back in simpler times - when life was in black and white; when people said "Trust is essential in any relationship" I used to think - "D'uh.  Isn't that obvious!" I used to wonder why they bothered stating simple facts.

Back then, when people remarked "Blood is thicker than water" - I wondered why? I loved my friends as much and would rely on them for anything.

When people quoted; "If you want to travel fast, go alone. If you're travelling far, go with someone" I used to think, go alone, and then you'd reach soon anyway.

So.

I decided to try out how it would be to travel with someone. To see if the distance was reduced. And this experiment helped me learn a little bit more about trust.

You see, the "Travel with someone to shorten distance" has a catch. You need to be able to either completely trust that person/ those people, or you should just not care at all. In both these extreme scenarios, you might just enjoy the journey, and it probably won't seem as long.

And Trust - oh how much packed into that little word!

When you trust that someone is going to feed you, or that someone is looking for food with you, you are willing to go along with them till you get it. But if suddenly they say "I wish I could get you food. I'm not certain we will find food" then the hunger that was tucked away neatly will come out roaring. Unwilling to be pacified by the trust that someone may or may not be helping you out. Because you see, you are suddenly not in the journey together. Their motive or their destination is probably different from yours. Even if the destination or the purpose were the same, even if, with all good intentions they do want to find the food with or for you - the commitment that was once taken as granted is no more there.

This is why they say blood is thicker than water. Because family, even if they had different destinations, they would still ensure you reach yours. So you can safely go along. That commitment is a given to any who enjoy a close a loving family. What about friends? Yes. We find those gems, and they become like family as we go along.

If you want to travel fast, go alone

If you're not travelling far, and you're in no hurry, find random company

If you're travelling far, then go with someone you trust and can become as good as your own blood.

Characters Lost in the First Chapter

She drove like an autobot. Eyes fixed on the road. Mindless music in a different language played in the background, but she paid no heed to it.

“Duds” he had called them. Not knowing that he had lent the most accurate word to describe himself. “I have met and spoken to many duds before, but not any good ones like you, you know?” He’d said. 

Another one bites the dust, she thought. 

It’s like those characters from the first chapter of a great romance. That little paragraph that describes those relationships past. Characters that get lost somewhere in between words like “There were many before” or “There were those who were decent, but didn’t make it”, sometimes even, “There had been that one guy she met at a café - arranged of course – they had connected like two pieces in a jig-saw puzzle, spoke nonstop for the next three days, and then something led to some other and it had gone kaput.”

Even the really good ones just get a line extra if they’re lucky. Does time spent on it matter? Sometimes! They might make it to a short story like this one.

She’d spent last night indulging in self-pity. Not anymore though; she was all cried out now. Not that there had been many tears. But the frustration lingered.

This wasn’t the same sadness as real break ups brought about. Nowhere close to the intensity of feelings that actual relationships inspired. But a break up of something tending towards a relationship is something as well.

~Rewind~

She’d spent a month talking to a guy she’d met through her parents. A month where they’d kept in touch despite of the 11.5-hour time difference. A month, when she’d told herself that this could be the one, ignoring every instinct that told her otherwise – allowing the foolish voices that had gone “It’s too late Jamie” and “Think of your biological clock” running through her head, dominate gut feelings.

A month when she had rationalized away every warning signal, and at some point, told herself that even love wasn’t necessary in a marriage. Just companionship and easy conversation would be enough. Even if the conversations had been eighty percent about him and twenty percent about her.

Okay, to be fair, it wasn’t all that bad. Even if the conversations were majorly about him, he had had a way of making it seem entertaining. Or she had decided to believe that. He was also intelligent enough to sprinkle plenty of facts into discussions. That was a definite positive.

He liked dogs a bit too much. Her friend gave him points for that. She herself was terrified of dogs, and was not amused about his strong belief that he could change her – like no one had ever tried that before! Ha! But she had decided to keep mum about that for the moment, and have that conversation again when they had stronger feelings for each other, and other priorities (like themselves, hopefully!).

He had finally come down to the country on his two-week vacation. The month long chatting had had him generally indicating that they would meet when he came and then they would go into third or fourth gear. He had arrived, at her push (he seemed in no rush) they had met. Her clothes had been a little crumpled, she had been quite late, but they met and dined and had continued good conversations. The mall had provided adequate distractions to keep the topics general. And at the end of two hours, the gears had not shifted at all. He seemed very comfortable just in this state of limbo and non-commitment. When asked about it after, he’d said that it was still too early for him to decide anything?

Did she like him? Physically he wasn’t her type at all. But she was willing to adjust. He’d been chivalrous, which she could always appreciate and give points for (Because one is always keeping score in these things!), he had seemed to listen when she talked and interrupted with his one opinions only occasionally (Ah well) and he seemed sane enough. So over all he passed (Just about) and she was willing to give things a shot. She had been feeling pleasantly open minded right then, you see.   

The second meet, no great progress. When she gave in and asked what next – “There’s a reason I am so old and single.” Came the proud reply. Followed by, “I can’t decide man, it’s too early!” she’d responded with “Fine, what about our parents meeting? Do we just stop it all?” Inside her head, she’d gone “Pfft dude! Some people get married within a couple of months of knowing each other. After falling in love!” with a disclaimer that always followed; “Not that I want to marry him right away!” (also inside her head! - She should have paid better heed to those disclaimers that were always following most decisions about him.)

He’d said no, he was comfortable with where they were and the pace. Where they were, was a non-relationship. Not friends, not a couple, just “potential interests” for more than a month then. That’s an irritating and emotionally exhausting dormant state to be in – especially for more than a week.

A pep-talk from her bestie and her husband had her convinced that guys take more time in deciding. They need parental approval first – many a time. So they all met - the parents and them- even that had gone smoothly. But the parents had been as non-committal as he had been.

He was to leave in three days. He wasn’t man enough to call like he’d said he would. He texted on the day he was leaving. Luckily for her, she was at breakfast and seen the texts an hour late. He had texted saying that he needed more time to decide. He seemed to have waited a couple of minutes, and on receiving no response, he’d said that he wished her the very best. She saw it (an hour late, stomach full and all), didn’t think it warranted a response initially. And knew that her dad would be very disapproving of the simple response (suggestion) that she was itching to give him, so she’d stuck to politically correct non-response.

That had been two days ago.

Did she miss him? Surprisingly no! She’d thought that talking to a guy for more than a month would inspire at least a little bit of attachment, if not affection – but she didn’t.

Did she think of him? Yes.

Did she feel sad? Probably not, but she was emotionally exhausted, and her body might have been misinterpreting it as sadness. Or maybe she was actually sad. She couldn’t tell. Her ego wouldn’t ever accept to that and give him the satisfaction – even if he would never know.

Did she regret it? The time spent – completely! The money- yes *wink” But the end itself? No. Her brain was too busy going “Ha! I told you so!” to the other half, which had rationalized. After all, Chivalry does not a man make!

And hence that frustration. Along with the month of “Oh my, What if!”s and the “Oh no, What if!”s in equal measure.

The day spent indulging in self-pity had helped. Licking wounds so to say. Was it a scratch or deeper? If her current mood was any indication, probably less than a scratch and more of remorse at her silliness in letting things get this far.

As she pulled into the parking lot and reversed into her usual spot she realized these duds inspired much the same emotions that a break up did sometimes. In very mild intensity, like hurt sans the grief. Necessary rite of passage, her friend had reminded her. And from prior experience, she had to agree. There were those that she might have thus grieved – a moment of silence for them.

She shook herself, to get ready for a new day and new beginning. Stepped in, and the first thing she could think was; “Whoa! That new guy looks super cute!”

27 - A Year in Review

Yet another year is over ...
I am now Twenty Eight years old!
I don't consciously feel it yet. But I know it has happened - know it not just from the number but also because of where and how I am in life.
The Twenty Seventh year was a testimony to that.

Prominent Achievements:

1. I bought a car - not a starting, base segment car, but a decent mid segment hatchback. FINALLY!
   AND, I've paid off the loan for it, so it's completely mine now!
2. The story I wrote got published (again, finally!) - Crystal Cacophony
   So I'm one step closer to the dream ;)
3. I switched jobs. I finished exactly 3 years with my last organization, and now I'm in yet another brilliant organization with an amazing multinational team, with a bigger scope of responsibility and getting to do all that I love!
4. I went as a Guest Speaker - to a university, to speak to a bunch of  MBA grad students.

Happy Things:

1. I have learned to drive comfortably now. (Thanks to very patient friend who helped expedite this process!)
2. I wrote and blogged more over the last year - happy to be writing a lot again!
3. I tasted some amazing yummy food - ate a lot!
4. Family, as always was there anytime needed :)
5. I have good friends - and I'm blessed to have them!

Major Regrets:

1. Having to let go of a few really amazing people who were in my life. For not being able to like/ love them as much as they did me, and the imbalance was obviously not fair on any of us.
2. No international travel last year
3. I didn't stand up strong enough for myself during a case of harassment.  
4. I ate too much :/ And didn't balance it with working out enough. 

Major Lessons Learnt:

1. Life goes on.
2. No point complaining if you're not going to do something about it!
3. If I want something, really want something, I can find it by all means available to me
4. Gifts don't necessarily buy love. Neither does good food. But Food is closer.

27

That was the year when I experienced an actual flood. Saw water surround the house. We were some of the lucky ones who didn't incur heavy damage. 

That was the year when the biggest awesome things that happened to me were almost all in my control - it made me realize that being a grown-up is not so bad after all. Being single and accomplished is something I am - something I am proud of. 

27

Personal life wise - very calm. Maintained status quo. Maybe I needed that stability there while I established professionally. And now I'm ready to make things happen in this arena as well. Maybe!

Twenty Seven ...in retrospect, you've been a good year!

You've helped me dig deep into myself to find the courage, resilience, will power and positivity to march on ahead. For that, thank you :)

Look forward to how the Twenty Eight is going to be!

Yours always,

Someday's Dreamer 

Crossroads

Have you ever done something that you never thought you would? Like using your entire life savings and taking out a huge loan and getting an impractical sports car?

Say you go on some crazy lobotomy inspired whim, and go ahead and do just that. It’s done. That moment gave you an amazing thrill. There is a sports car in your garage! Just the thought of that gets you excited, and you want to go and take it on a drive immediately.

BUT. Of course there’s that big but! D’uh. Anyway, so it’s running on the back of your head – “Should I just return it and get that semblance of sanity back in my life?”

But (Of course, there it is again!) … “But… I haven’t done something this exciting in a long time. Infact, I’ve never done it! And I really love driving this car! So can I please please pweeasseee keep it? I could give it back later! I can manage now..... Till something goes wrong. Like the car stops working, or I can’t pay my loan… or I really need that money, to be used in an essential project.”

“But…. If I had that money, I could be ready in case the essential project came up earlier”

What should one do?

Is there a right answer?

Disconnected - Day 8

Helllooooo

How art thou?

Life is great here!

It's been 11 days since I made the decision to turn off my phone. 10 since I implemented the idea. Day 8, because I had it on intermittently for a couple of days during the flood here.

So how have the days been? What did I find out?

The biggest discovery that I have made is how free I feel mentally all the time.

I know I gave a long almost philosophical explanation to it all. I'm sure most of it holds true, and I have a few examples of instances to prove it too. But now I'm realizing that the reason I needed it more than anything was because of how having to be constantly connected or have something to do basically creates a STATIC in your brain.

With the phone, I remember finding it extremely difficult to focus. I often forgot things. It was tough to sit or stay idle for more than a few minutes. It felt as if that time could be used - either to play, or watch a video on the phone, or just scroll through mindless repetitive facebook feed, or message people on WhatsApp.
Earlier, I couldn't go 5 minutes without being occupied before going "I'm Booooaaaaarredd"
So the world felt smaller... more about now. Which is not a bad thing, unless it's limiting the possibilities of a greater tomorrow.

Let me go through the pros and cons in a more organized fashion

We shall begin with the Cons

1. Being disconnected makes one rather lost while traveling or coordinating
   (I come to work by the office bus, and when it rains I don't go to my normal point of pick up, instead I go to a place more accessible by public transport. Last Wednesday, I stood there for a very long time unsure of if I'd missed the bus or if it was terribly late! *Got lucky there, it was late*)
2. Online Bank transactions are becoming a bit of a challenge because of the OTP requirements
3. Letting home know that I'm okay / gonna be late (Could be an extension of point 1) I had to borrow a friend's phone a couple of times for that
4. Making adhoc plans with someone not available immediately available is almost impossible
5. A camera isn't always in my pocket

I know there are other things like not able to listen to music whenever I pleased, or not having a calculator/ torch/ notepad always at my disposal, or not able to watch a video when I please, my tracker apps ... all those are missed intermittently ..but not to any paralysing effect. These cons can be comfortable lived with.

Now for the Pros:

1. Now, without a phone, I can think free.
   There doesn't seem to be a constant undercurrent of thought and opinions or noises of others clouding the process. Brain static as explained above is absent.
2. I can remember numbers! I remember so many phone numbers. (They do talk about necessity being the mother of things)
3. I remember details, small details I would earlier forget and go "Dayum, I should have taken a picture of that!)
4. I've been using my DSLR more often ;)
5. Friends around me don't use their phones as much now since they know that they have to be civil and talk to me and not just smile to their phones
6. It's free. I don't have to constantly check/ fight urges to check for messages. After the first couple of days, even those phantom vibrations stopped
7. Time is regulated. People are specific about the time they can reach me about keeping to appointments
8. I have conversations with people. I did back then too, but now it feels fuller cause I'm not distracted by a phone.

I was wondering (like many of my friends did too) what I was going to gain by doing this for 15 days. I was almost certain that I would be going back to my old mobile phone ways soon enough - so what am I trying to achieve by this?

This is like a vacation.

A vacation from busy-everything-available-at-your-doorstep city life. A vacation to a nice calm world, where one spends time with oneself ans quality time with friends. Good times these :)

I am sure I will discover more quirky advantages of both using and not using a cell phone - and I look forward to it :)

Just a girl

I’m a girl. And I’ve never considered being a girl a weakness. I’m a feminist, I know that us girls still have to fight for many things that boys/ men take completely for granted. It could be as basic as safety, or as complex as the glass ceiling. But I’ve considered myself a fighter. Who’s believed that if we fight, we can get what should be our rights.

The fight is harder in conservative countries like India, where comments like “You’re a grown girl now”, “A girl should be home before it gets dark”, or “This is not America” are common, even in a comparatively open minded household like mine – where it isn’t expected of me or my sister to follow any dress code/ where girls drinking was not seen as cringe worthy fault/ where I am encouraged to be fully independent, work for my own living and be as self sufficient as possible. 

Even in those situations, whenever those comments came up, I fought it. Or so I thought I did.

Till recently, I noticed, actually took a moment to stop and notice, some of my choices.

I wasn’t changing jobs, as it would make it easier to quit and move/ or quit and stay at home as required – after the wedding.

I was resisting looking for higher paying jobs, or even taking up extra assignments internally – to ensure my promotion, as that would mean that the guy I find/ found for me should earn that much more than me.

I didn’t pursue my Ph.D because already it’s difficult to find many men who have a masters. A doctrate would make it almost impossible.

I wasn’t buying a car because A. It’s a huge investment, money that could be used for the wedding! B. I don’t know where I would be settling. C. Families don’t prefer women who have a debt (loan), so that would fall upon my father to close it before the wedding and finally D. Having a car would mean the guy, once again, would have to have a better car. Or at least a car of equal standard.

Sounds crazy?

Or a bit too familiar?

I’m guessing that it’s probably the latter for quite a few single women out there. Unfortunately.

I’ve heard serious stories about marriages where the lady was doing better professionally – and consequently, had to suffer domestically. The fact that they earned and contributed more monetarily in the house hold did nothing to reduce the pressure of doing/ supervising the domestic work as well, and not to mention dealing with the bruised ego of the husband. This is the case even when both parties are earning almost equally. Don’t get me started on when the baby arrives!

I’m also hearing a lot from older women who say “I want a stay at home wife for my son. I want him to be properly taken care of” Why? Are the men not supposed to take care of the wives through any way other than by cash and kind?

All these later points, I repeat quite frequently, and vehemently – especially to my colleagues. Working in a largely male dominated company, I’ve heard much too many times, even from those junior to me, that “You’ll probably quit when you get married right?” I refuse of course. But I’m never completely sure about that.

It is still expected that the lady should be able to have suspended life plans, should live by the life plans of the guy or at least more by his than hers.

I fought it. But not completely apparently.

But, I’m 27 now, been an adult long enough to know that I’m not ready for some compromises anymore. My life plans will not be put on hold for a stranger any longer.

I’m getting a new car tomorrow.

I’ll find a better job soon.

I’m getting published shortly.

I am my own person.

I’m not just a girl anymore.

I’m A girl.

Stigmatized

I have been seen as a rebel. Especially where I work currently, as I stand up for or against quite a few things. As the corporate culture ambassador and an Anti Discrimination and Anti Harassment Committee member, I’ve always felt it is my duty. I know that there are some things I haven’t been able to change, but there are those I can at least try to change.

This morning, after an event, I put up the following status message on facebook:

Experienced first hand religious discrimination today, when I pointed out to my friend in the office bus that religious music should not be played, as we are a secular organization. He tells me “India is a Hindu country, ‘you’ people have encroached here”

#Issecularismdead ?

Sad state of affairs in the country.

That friend did not call to apologize or retract what he said. Or to say anything at all.

The post attracted many comments from many who supported my stance – some strongly, and some who asked me to just let it go. None of my colleagues who are on my fb list replied to it, or acknowledged it. Which was fine. That was expected.

However, as the friend in question and I usually have lunch together along with the rest of the friends gang in the main building, I decided to not eat lunch there, and go to the canteen instead. [I am the only girl in that gang]

What saddened me however was that when I called someone else to inform that I will not be coming to lunch with them, I got an “Ok” before he hung up, with no other questions asked. This from the same person who pesters me with “Why aren’t you eating?”s when I eat 90% my normal quantity. It was sad, but I let it go then.

The others from the group also didn’t smile at me when they saw me.

I got back from lunch. An hour and a half later, after no word yet from the second friend, who I consider myself quite close – I decided why should I show my ego here, after all, I had no fight with him. So I call him over the intercom and this is how that went:

Him: Hello

Me: Hello, are you angry at me or something?

Him: Why did you put it up on Facebook?

Me: I felt like it, so I did

Him: But that’s wrong no

Me: Boss, the one did the mistake was him

Him: I was sleeping then (in the office bus), and I didn’t know what happened between you two. You both should talk it out. You shouldn’t have put it on facebook.

Me: Well, he hasn’t tried to talk anything to me so far

Him: But you putting it on facebook was wrong no

Me: Anyway..okay..bye

Him: Okay bye

Now here I am, writing. Wondering

• -          What about what he said? Was it so insignificant to all of you(office gang), that you think it’s all my fault?! That, I’m making a big deal out of it?
• -          Did they ever consider me their friend at all? Nobody seems to care enough to even want to talk to me.
• -          Did the friend in question really think he could say something like that, and I would brush it off?
• -          To be a person with a social group, is it mandatory to be a social conformist who overlooks many flaws of the group, even those that sometimes personally attack individuals and groups?

There is a quote that goes “The person who wins an ego match is the one who loses”

Maybe some loses are worth the win. Collateral Damage. Or a sieve to find your real friends.

Who knows. Can’t tell.

The battle for Secularism will wage on.

I wonder how this more personal one will turn out though. 

Addictions

Have you ever been addicted to a person?
That no matter how bad things get with them, you let it go. It doesn't matter (for long) if they insult you or down right ignore you, you still find yourself going back, knocking on their door and asking - "Do you wanna be friends again?", "Are we still friends?" Or "Can we start over maybe?"
Outside of that relationship, you lead a completely normal life, with the sensitivities of a normal person. You feel shame, pain and hurt to the normal levels. You understand insults and react as normally as the next person. But not with that one person. With them, despite repeatedly telling yourself that: "This is it. This is all I'll take. No more." - You're back, pinging them again as the next day begins. Not even bothering to make up an excuse for them. Just pinging cause it feels like you can. You just have. Thats the thing to do.

Sometimes you go days ... months ... or even years without getting back in touch. But eventually you do. You occassionally even go through phases wondering / feeling / knowing that the other person most probably does not feel the same way, and they just want to stay away. Despite all evidence pointing to that, you put that aside and still go back.

Have you seen the movie premonition? (Spoilers this paragraph) It's about a guy who gets short term memory loss after an incident where his wife was also murdered. So he uses all means possibld to track down the murderer. Despite his 10 minute long...short memory, fighting all odd to keep himself on track, to complete the mission. At the end, he finally hunts down the criminal, or what should have been him, only to find that he has already done this before. He's found the guy already. Killed him already. But that's all he can think of. That's all he knows ... So finally he burns the shred of evidence proving that he's done what he held as his purpose. Just to restart. Because thats all that makes sense to him anymore.

So thats how it is now as well. Maybe its not that bad. Nonetheless.

Someday I'll accept it. Someday I will move on. Someday. Apparently not today.

Yesterday...

Time..habits...

Weird things those. They change so many things.

Yesterday, I heard something.
Logically, I should have...could have rather, felt bad, or sad about it.
I was just pleasantly happy for him.
Not in the defensive self protective, opposite acting out kinda way, but genuinely happy that he found someone for himself. I'd believed that I might feel bad about it. Expected so even. But time, wonderful thing that it is, has made it possible that it didn't matter to me at all.
He is no more an emotion. He is just a memory. A memory of interesting emotions once felt. Not even special enough to fondly remember much.
He is just somebody who once was.
(It is a possibility that we knew we were not right for each other, and hence I never actually registered him that much. Yet, I believed that I had cared enough to care. But no more. Which is a pleasant relief. :) )

Yesterday, my grandma slashed her hand. Early in the morning, as she opened the gate for me to leave for work.
At first it didn't bleed, but in 3 seconds, it was a blood bathed finger. In her right hand, that too! I quickly got the first aid kit, and left after she assured me that it wasn't deep and that it didn't hurt much, and with my sister in charge.
I get home in the evening to see that my grandmother, obsessive cleaner that she is, had done everything she would do on a normal day, and was soberly sitting with a very swollen ring finger. Especially with the blood still oozing a bit. Considering she's diabetic, and it had been more than 12 hours since she cut herself... Not a nice scene.
Queasy around blood, I've always been.
Yet weirdly, first aid is almost an instinct for me.
Not that I know exactly what to do all the time. But I do know how to get it done, and the will/ patience/ gut to stick around till it's done. No matter how much blood there is. No matter how queasy it makes me.
I guess it has a lot to do with all the time I've spent in the hospital as a kid. I remember at least 2 whole summers there.
It's strange that I hate the smell of hospitals... still can't get a shot/ get blood drawn alone, without my dad or someone close standing close to me, and letting me squeeze their hand, as my eyes stay firmly tightly shut. Still will not go to a hospital unless it's terribly serious, and I have no strength to stop.. no, fight the people (plural - requirement. Trust me) who are dragging me there.
And yet, I feel safest in a hospital. A place where people in white coats can make the worst news seem like something that can be gotten through, something that can be overcome. White coats with the power to give hope to the hopeless, and time to the dying. Sometimes, rarely, even life to the dying.
Yesterday, I spoke to my cousin who is a doctor, got my instructions, and when I was done with her finger 2 hours later (repeated ice compresses and cotton presses and whatnot) the swelling had completely gone away, and the bleeding stopped. As I wrapped it up for the night, I felt a feeling of accomplishment, more than I would do after 3 solid days of work!

Habits... ingrained over time, almost made as instinctive as a reaction
Time ... changing what once used to be habit, to mere memories

Strange things those.
Strange wonderful things.

Too much of a good thing

In today's news, I read that some guy who works for Google quit his job. Big deal right? Anyone can quit a good job! But the reason for quitting was what got him on the news: because he was getting too comfortable in it, and everything felt too fun and easy. 

The general reaction from the public (as can be expected) was that he was crazy and should just enjoy it, while thanking God for his good fortunes.
However, I actually agree with his views and actions. This might be because of my sometimes strong pessimistic nature, which pops up. Just maybe. When life is getting too easy, and everything feels too peachy, there is a feeling of wariness that settles in. At least in me. It feels like... If everything is going too well, even if I don't pay attention for a second, the bad might creep up on me and totally take me by surprise. When I'm least prepared for it. So, I'd rather, like him, quit while the tide is high. Better safe with lesser comforts than being plummeted down unaware.
Which is kind of the situation in my current job. Not that it is anywhere as cool or awesome as google probably was for him. But it is getting a bit too comfortable and familiar. I'm not going to do anything drastic as that dude though. But I am taking a step back and will be pushing myself further in the more professional front. I'm also unfortunately, in the process, becoming meaner and moodier ~ collateral damage so to speak. But it feels like the safer choice.
Gah life and its crazies!!!

Coin in the pocket

We play carom at office, during lunch break, quite a lot. I am not the best player among the lot. Far from. Skimming the bottom three more like. But I do pocket some seemingly impossible coins (mostly out of sheer luck!) many a time, and being the only girl there, I’m quite indulged and allowed to play as an equal ;)

I’ve been having a particularly bad week in terms of performance. Yesterday was the worst of it all. I was struggling to pocket even a single coin. So it happens, that by random draw, I got assigned a partner. In that game, he pocketed 4 coins out of 9 in his first turn. 4 more quicly followed, plus the red. And I hadn’t pocketed a single coin. There was a point when the opponent team had 5 coins on the board, while we had just one. I had many opportunities to finish the game with simple direct shots… but it just wasn’t my day, and I couldn’t. The best became the worst, as we lost pathetically in the end – despite such a glorious (thanks to my partner) start.

My partner, whom I have played with before – days when I have even been better than him, gave me a hi-five after the game. I guessed he didn’t want me to feel too badly or was seething inside, for what could have been his perfect victory. I did feel sorry for him…but there was nothing I could do, so I laughed it away.

So we left the board to the winners and the next team. A little later, he called me on the intercom, and goes “Today was awesome! Let’s play together more often!” I was stumped. Wondered if he was being completely sarcastic, though he didn’t sound it. 

So I ask him how come, and he goes – “I’ve never played this well before! I've played so well for the first time with you”

Relationships are like that aren't they?

Its many a time not about if it’s a successful partnership, or a complete failure. It’s about one person makes the other feel. One might be doing his best, and the other nothing at all, but if she makes him good about his best… or for some reason he believes she brings out the best in him, the partnership is a success. And there is hope for them to stick it out. Hope meaning, they can continue to believe that it will all work out at some point. And they win. Even if they don’t. They probably still win where it counts.

But as some people say, it’s apparently the journey that counts ;)

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How long will this last, since the balance is so off? I wonder. Just some random postscript wondering.

Best Laid Plans

I have a swing in my veranda... a one seater, hanging by an iron link chain kinda swing... I bought it like 2 years ago. And it's been more than a year since I actually used it.
I work in a smaller town 25 kms from where I live. I'm away from home a good 13 hrs a day - and that's just the time between leaving home and returning, not taking into consideration the getting ready time and the like.
Today, I got home early after a meeting. 2 hours early! The climate was perfect... it was just about to rain. The thunder rumbled in the sky, lightning streaked. I had a book I had begun just this morning. So it seemed like the perfect combination... I had enough time to take a quick shower by the time the rain got really going, and I would be there for the jam session.
I even had the first few lines of that post written in my head, as I gleefully got set for my rainy day swing reading session. Even my sister wasn't expected home for the next hour. I got out, and quickly dug out the book from my bag and I all my leap over to the swing.
Obviously, from the build up to the finale, you guessed that my amazing plan didn't go through.
I go out, to see my grandma quietly swinging and watching the rain. Of course I didn't have the heart to ask her if I could use the swing for a while. She just looked so peaceful.
So I went back in, and watched some more Grey's Anatomy.


Over the last 6 months, I've made so many plans and I've seen them all tumble and fail terribly and miserably. Big plans & small plans. The saddest thing I saw, physically felt, fall was my passion for this job. When I joined, I felt like it was the dream job. It was exactly what I had wanted. Too perfectly... in a Korean company. So it just could not have gotten better. I loved it for all of one year. I learnt so much from one boss. He left. I learnt a lot, despite the next boss. And then it slowly rolled to a stop.

Till one day in February, I actually felt the emptiness in it all. The complacence ..and the giving up.
Business was down, politics was raging like wild fire and I felt like collateral damage. I didn't have much work to do. I could meet my monthly targets in 4 days work. I'd known that industrial set ups don't have much work many times for the HR department, but this was a crazy low. But I stuck on...The pay was good. And I decided if they want to pay me for nothing, I will let them.
Feeling worthless... especially when ALL of one's time is invested in that thing can only go on for so long.

I'm now at a cross road... it's time to decide how to get to my next destination...since I already know what that is.

I can see that talking about a wonderful but tiny plan failing...and then about the bigger plans in life. It;s just that over this year I have learned to accept and even expect the pitfalls in the best laid plans. Especially the best laid plans.
So I have to keep my back up plans ready and roaring! :)

As always,
Someday's Dreamer

As the rain clouds gather

Hope

Such a four letter word.

There is a phrase that goes; "Damned if you do. Damned if you don't"
I can't think of anything better to describe the act of hoping.
Around a few weeks before my birthday of this year, I did something. The result of which I knew I would find out around the first week of June this year.
During that 1.5 month period, I had to do 2 things.
1. Have 0 hope, because if it doesn't work out, I should be ready for it
2. Not be completely hopeless and give the universe wrong signals

Crazy right?
But I pulled through, mainly because I had a clear dead line. The only thing that I had to keep reminding myself was to be patient. I also stopped writing my diary during that period...because I didn't want the opposite of point one or two to reflect in what I wrote.

Ah well, I chugged along and finally got to D Day.
It came.
There was a brief moment when my heart beat really fast. But after the initial rush, it was totally normal. I got through the day sane. Not thinking about the end of it, when I'll know the big result. It went almost perfectly. A little too perfectly.
And then it was time for that... the results were announced.
It didn't work out. I lost.
A big part of me couldn't comprehend how it could have slipped right through my fingers, when everything seemed so perfect...but that part also knew that things like these happen, and that's why I had kept telling myself not hope. But I guess I had hoped after all.

I even had theme songs picked out. For winning and losing.
Though it didn't feel as intensely sad as it did in the song, I was sad, angry and hurt.
But I accepted it.

I could continue my life with all it's normalcy, wondering if I could ever hope again that is....
And then the next morning it rained.

Hoping is like the rain clouds gathering.
It becomes very dark....and you can never be too sure if it'll rain or just blow over.
But when it does, it's beautiful.
That's when I realized that I could never stop hoping.
It might even be humanly impossible.
It is necessary for the rain clouds to gather if you want rain. Though, many times it may not rain near where you are. We will see our fair share of rain. Which will be followed by brand new beginnings.

So now, I wait as the rain clouds gather, to wonder if it will rain where I am next :)

25 - The Year In Review

So it's done... I turned 26. 

I'm done being 25!!!

A small brief look at the year that was :)

For starters, I always expected 25 to be a big year – signalling one quarter of existence and all. And it was, in more ways than I imagined it to. So let me go through this in three parts – The Bad, The Awesome and The Lessons Learnt!

The Bad

1. Got rejected. Twice.
2. The job that I loved transitioned to the job that I tolerate
3. Not yet published (Though it will happen soon, or eventually, hopefully)
4. Lost a friend
5. Lost a phone – XOLO, worst customer service and after sales service in the history of the universe!
6. My Stevie (laptop) crashed

 The Awesome

1. Stayed in a beautiful country for 2 whole months (South Korea)
2. Saw snow!!! Walked in Snow. Drank hot chocolate I as walked in snow :)
3. Got a tattoo!!!!! (Finally!.... I really did it!)
4. Got back my best friend (After 2.5 yrs)
5. Loved someone
6. Had a job I loved (Still have the job, just don’t love it ;) )
7. Made global friends (Russian, Korean, Chinese, American)
8. The first birth year that I had a job from the start to finish!
9. Travelled to 2 countries amazing countries. Loved both for very varied reasons - The States for the people and the attitude, and South Korea for the sheer beauty of it all :)
10. Ate a lot of amazing food (like a LOT!!!)
11. Became really organized ( Gymming regularly (almost), writing regularly, sticking to things from start to finish)
12. Went to Lotte world [ :D Twice! And the Gyro drop]
13. Got an awesome new anna who actually keeps snickers ready for me ALL the time!
14. Learnt a new language decently (before I dropped it)
15. I went from completely clued in to clueless to just calm

The Lessons Learnt

This is an interesting category... anything can be a lesson learnt. Any good experience or bad.:) However, here goes

1. It pays to be calm
2. It pays to be straightforward
3. Patience can be learnt. And I might have just learnt to practice it a little bit!
4. Love involves a lot of adjusting, hurts like crazy sometimes, and you have to know when to take the call on whether something is not worth it, or worth fighting for - not always an easy rational choice
5. Some relationships are too high maintenance, and as we grow older, we realize that they are sometimes not required
6. People change- big time. Its funny how strongly that realization hits every time.
7. Old love can be rekindled into love or friendship, it all depends on you
8. Travelling rocks. Nothing NOTHING like travelling alone, exploring new places, and trying to figure out a country or place's culture based on their history and trying to connect the dots, and just being there, soaking it all in
9. Politics is, unfortunately, an essential part of South Indian companies
10. It is always safer to keep the personal life - professional divide
11. Sometimes, the lines fade, you might get to have strong new bonds, but one should be ready for messy after effects in case the relationship goes sour
12. Being happy is a choice
13. When I stop nagging, my dad nags
14. Money can buy happiness sometimes. To an extent, but it can.
15. Supporting the parents financially gives an amazing sense of accomplishment, in the best possible way
16. Sisters are such marvellous confidantes!
17. Family matters.
18. Friends do too.
19. If he does not fight for you, he doesn't deserve you.
20. Alcohol helps :P Dancing helps more!
21. Rumours are bloody vicious. But castles inside the head are sometimes more harmful.
22. Food is the best. Shopping is a close second.
23. I am difficult to shop for. Just take me shopping in stead :P
24. A job well loved can become just a source of money before you know it
25. I am more like my dad than I ever knew before! ;)

These things I learnt (sometimes, re learnt) in my 25th year. Valuable lessons indeed.

And there it is...the lot of it ...maybe not much of it, or too much of it.

26th ...I wonder what it will bring.

Yours, 

Still,

Imaginative Realist

The other side.... that exists

This isn’t about life after death. Or poverty or any such thing.

This is about the other side of people.

Each person we meet inspires us to be a certain kind of person our self. Ergo, we inspire each person to be of a specific type to us.

Yesterday, we were making a list of people we thought were “happy” people to put on the cover of the in house magazine. There was an overall consensus, among the 4 of us involved in the discussion, on 75% of the names. Then it started…we were each suggesting names – where some or all of the others did not agree upon. Reactions ranged from; “Really?! Him ?!?” to “No way!!!” about a girl I thought I knew.

It was interesting how very different people are, even to each other!

Then there are those cases where we know someone under one circumstance, and then the situation changes. So hearing about them even staying the same as how they used to be, or worse seeing them in their former state – whereas, to each other, we’re now defining new interaction rules.

And back to the girl I never knew about…but happen to travel with her, and even joined around the same time that she did…I think in the distant past, I remember her being fun and jovial, when we were spending a bit of time together. And then things changed, and I forgot what was.

But forgetting, apparently does not mean that some things stop existing.

December Girl

Come December, there is a familiar feeling of celebration.
It has always been, and will always be.
Only now, it’s a bit bitter sweet.It’s been seven years since we’ve had a Christmas with her. Seven years since her last birthday celebrated alive. Seven years since Shopping in December was for both her birthday and His birthday. Seven years since we last celebrated this season, as it is supposed to be celebrated,  with the December girl.
Six years, since December has become something about what could have been and pretending that it is.
Six years since I’ve tried to be that December girl, in her place.
Wanna be December girls …(like another friend of mine who recently wrote a similar post – which inspired this post), are a brave bunch. They have brave exteriors, because that is what they have to be so their dad doesn’t feel unsure. So their family stops looking at them with pity filled eyes. So their friends don’t treat them different. So their mum up there would be proud of them.
They are brave on the outside. Very strong daddy’s girls… but all of them are just a bit broken in the inside.Not in the sad or bad way, but in the beautiful; cracked glass kind of way. Because despite everything in their world once cracking and threatening to fall apart, they learnt to keep it all together.
There have been moments when I did fall apart, and moments when I wished someone would help hold me together.
We are strong outside, but inside we are little lost girls ~ just sometimes. We come across as really confident, but it’s more because we know that we can handle anything – we’ve already handled the worst after all.
I had a special friend a while ago, and he never understood my extreme reactions to this situation. He thought it’s been so long ago… why am I being this way now. Back then, I even thought I was using this as a reason to seek more attention. But now I know that’s not true.
A very very important friend, who lost a father himself, told me once long ago, “The pain will never go away, but you will learn to live with it. She will always be with you, andyou will never forget – so don’t worry about it. You will move on from the hurt, but somethings won’t ever be the same.”
I realize now how true it is. Some things haven’t been the same, and they will always feel incomplete.
Will only those who’ve been there understand? Yes. Unfortunately.
Between us girls and boys… saying things like “I miss her food” is common. But if someone with a mom says it, it feels a tad cruel – we feel a tad evil for not being able to empathize. But how could we, like they never really can.
They can’t understand how – even if life feels absolutely fine for 95% of the time, there are moments.
Moments triggered by a smell, a dress, a colour, any random thing, - a small little thing which could suddenly shake our core. For that 5% of the time, the world feels insignificant, and we’re left alone in the dark with shards of what could never be.
This December though, I’m going to finally have kept many of my promises.
And I learnt to accept all of what I am…even understand a little bit ;)
So it is celebration of what is – despite what wasn’t.
This December, I became worthy to be called a December girl. Maybe not all the way – but it was a good start.
This December – after a year filled with crazy amounts of blessings, it’s time for me to pay back. And I’m going to give my all and try to do so.

This December will be a very merry Christmas, and mummy… a Very Happy Birthday for you up there  :)

Seeing the World on someone else's terms

I'm preparing to leave to Korea
For 2 whole months
In less than 6 days
I should be really really excited right?
This is my dream after all! To live another culture... a culture I'm currently following

I am excited, in bits
Though, not as much as I would have believed to be
I was a lot more excited in the beginning...
Now,there is just one small difference.
The Head quarters is going to be taking care of my stay there, completely, so I do not know anything about my salary abroad. Small detail... and I'm pretty sure that I will be decently well taken care of. Yet, I don't know the details. Also, I'm going without a phone. To (possibly) get a phone there.
The phone I had here is not being returned by the repair people. Worst service ever.
And finally, it's going to be cold there. But that's just a small thing - the only thing I know details of, and canbe prepared for.

So, for something I was hyper excited about, now all I feel is mild worry. All because of 2 uncertainties. Why is my tolerance to uncertainty so low?
Is it normal?
Can I change it?
Will I be this way all my life?

Can I live without finding these answers...and would that be an answer in itself?

Hoping time would tell!

For now, let me up :)