Every organization has many kinds of people. Leaders followers, Managers subordinates, Thinkers believers, and so on. Two of those types are the mean and the stupid.

There is always at least one person who is mean just for the sake of being mean. He likes to find faults, not sign when his signature is needed, ask questions to which answers are obvious, ask for irrelevant or unnecessary information, find absurd reason to hold things up, find fault with things that don’t align with their belief system, impose their belief system on other. They are more often than not loud and aggressive, with an air of presumed importance. Their existence is quite the bane to the existence of most others.

Then there is another type – the stupid. The stupid are of two types – one who act out because they’re scared of the mean, and the other who want to be like the mean. Either ways, the base being that they don’t have their own reason for their actions. It’s easier to fight with or even reason with the mean, as compared to the stupid. The stupid do the things the mean does, with nothing to support their action. Which is sad and pathetic.

The mean are a pain to deal with. But the stupid? They’re ridiculous and impossible, and best avoided.

Indifference

I've been in this company for just more than a year now. And I'm sick of it.
Originality committed suicide on these grounds. Nobody does anything because they want to..or for we need to. They do it because someone else does it. I could go on...
Last year I cared...I tried to make a difference. I believed I could.
Now I don't. I don't give a damn.
Usually, I would have believed that if it had come to this level, I will walk out. I would never willingly stay at a place where I can't do my best.
Here I not only hate what I have to do, I don't have a choice to leave either. I'm pretty much bonded here for the next 10 months minimum. So now I resign myself to gruelling ten months of staying indifferent because I pretty much sold my soul.
Maybe it will get better. Maybe it might even get worse. But for now I'm stuck here with one foot stuck in this hardened concrete called work place... Crap.

I could hear your heartbeat

Before... when I heard the word heartbeat, I imagined something like this:

DUK dukk DUK dukk DUK dukk DUK dukk DUK dukk DUK dukk
Along with this auditory imagination, that glowy like that jumped up, then fell a little below the median then continued on the flat for a while before jumping again, also accompanied- almost always.

We've all heard the heartbeat thousands of times. When hugging someone close, or at least versions of it - in songs, in medical dramas, in thrillers, in cop dramas... various sources. And as someone who watches plenty of most of the above, I assumed that I knew the beating heart very well.
I was a student of biology after all; we were taught the process of the heart beat in detail!

None of this years of assumed awareness, nothing prepared me for how I'd feel when I actually heard a real heartbeat.

Not long ago, a cousin of mine, who so happens to be a student of medicine, happened to have his stethoscope in his back. Looking at my excited face, he urged me to try it out.
I first tried to listen to my sister's heartbeat. Being a novice, I heard nothing. Nothing apart from my sister shrieking in her most dramatic tone; "You're saying I don't have a heart? Oh noooooooooooo!"
My cousin, took the chest piece of the stethoscope and placed it on his own chest.

In word, it was amazing!

In many; It was an organ... amidst gushing blood and sturdy muscles. It sounded vaguely muffled and underwater. But so very real, and so much closer.

I've never felt more alive, and in touch with my body that the moment when I got to hear my own heartbeat after that. That feeling is indescribably incredible!

I've always said that I wanted a tall guy for myself. The secret reason, I've been to embarrassed to admit is that I like to hear the person's heartbeat when I hug them. A long time back, every morning; as soon as I woke up, I would groggily walk to the kitchen. My mom would be there cooking, facing the stoves (obviously ;) ) And I would hug her from the back, for a minute or two, till I wanted to properly wake up. Most of my waking up memories are in the kitchen, rather than on the bed.
It was the perfect way to wake up... listening to her soft and steady heartbeat, engulfed in mommy smell.

At one point, I used to wonder why the symbol of the heart was so popular.
It was probably enthralled and awestruck people like me who made the heart oh-so-famous after listening to it close up. But you know what? I think it's worth it :P

-
Love with all my heart,
Yours truly :)

Empty Spaces

I just realized that some times, in the cases of some people in our lives; just knowing that they are there is enough.
Today, I found out that somebody like that, from a long time ago isn't there any more. Not on my friend list. I don't know when the unfriend-ing happened... and more scarily, why.
A part of me is telling me to continue to live in blissful ignorance
While another part is screaming out one of the obvious possibilities.

Empty spaces.... They don't seem to be getting filled
I just seem to collect those as a hobby.

Wondering and wondering and wondering and wondering.....
You know what.

-
You know who.

Up close

I am on the way back from the place that was supposed to help me get a little perspective. As I was sitting in the bus, I found just that; perspective.
Some random girl on the bus tv was saying that she didn't know if she liked someone, but he made her happy. Her friend told her that she definitely liked that guy.
So technically, I should be glad that this was over because I hadn't been happy for a while. Our priorities were markedly different and it was affecting us quite a lot. It wasn't values, just one principle. One that mattered to me a lot, the direct opposite of which felt right to him. It had to do with how time was used.
Anyway.
So, there I sat in the bus, miles away, and almost feeling like I was ready to face life again, even with him lurking in the corners.
I was quite happy with how my mind had sorted things out, I even felt a bit lighter!
Then the bus takes a small detour from the straight route and passes by bang through the front of his house. When do I realize that? Three seconds earlier, just in time for me to look out the window wondering, and see the entrance of his apartment.
Everything..... The distance, perspective that was found with difficulty, all went out that window. My throat constricted, and everything of that moment felt wrong. So wrong.
Life is complicated. By humans. By our need for social structure.
As someone who loves watching the novelties of different cultures, I shouldn't be complaining. But I wished for hose few minutes that things didn't have to be this way.
I'll go back to acceptance I know. I can get there faster than most. I don't like things that happen without a reason, more because I know it's very much a rational fact. For that, I hated this moment.

Tomorrow is yet another day.
For today, till here will do.
Stay still my beating heart.
I've got you.

Mind and Body

It's almost been a week. Less than a week since the official break up, but a week since we last spoke normally. I told most people that I'm perfectly fine. I scared myself by how creepily normal I was reacting to everyday situations..... Laughing even, when he was around.

I did cry a couple of times. Once when we were having the actual conversation and once in the bus when I left office last Thursday.... The last day I'd given myself before getting back all over him. Tomorrow

I am fine. I did all the break up routines. Run away to a different city, shop, over sleep, get drunk, read mindless m and b s.
I did have mood swings, sad when random things that were remotely connected to him came to my notice.... But this was a minute part of my get away weekend.
Maybe that was the point?
To get my mind away?

I wish I had just cried though Bawled till my eyes were red and tiny Andy throat was all dry Or that I had yelled at me as he informed this to me that night as it takes rained. Or beat him up like he had suggested. I wish I could just go somewhere and scream.

My mind seems to think it has handled it all. My body on the other hand...

If any one of the above had happened, maybe I would be able to digest again. My stomach has been feeling like a hollow cave for a week.... I don't feel like eating, or like I've eaten. Oh, I do feel hungry. The hollow feels a little hollower and I realize I should have normally eaten hours ago. Food holds no allure to me. I used to be a foodie. The thought of sugar makes my stomach churn. Should I be mildly happy that my stomach reacts to something? Even chocolate has lost its strength.... Crazy amounts of exercise hasn't helped.

When will I digest fully again? Should I just be glad that I might lose weight in the process? Hoping I don't lose my mind over it.
Or maybe that is the solution.
Who knows.
My head certainly doesn't.

Paparazzi

In the past month alone, three of my friends (on FB) asked me to take down pics with them and their exes in it. It wasn't even necessarily pics where they were standing together, just any with both of them in the same photo. Most of these requests are from guys. I guess they weren't introduced to the phrase 'You play you pay'.  

Do they think they're being prudent? I think they're being ridiculous. 

I decided to take down almost all the pictures, and just leave those photos of random sceneries. I'm sure they won't object.

In this day and age of social networking, socializing itself has taken a crazy turn. We know so much more than we want to know about our friends, and so much less than we need to know.

Private affairs are splashed all over public forums. A couple were going through what they claimed to be a silent divorce - with the dirt posted, for everyone to see. Step by step.

Another 'friend', lets call her A, recently got engaged. Her best friend, who also happens to be my best friend from a different circle, (who doesn't log into FB much) didn't know about it. But all of A's thousand odd friends knew that she was engaged to this guy she just met, but she was still in love with and missed her ex-boy friend. How horrible is that to her fiance? On what is their marriage starting!

I myself am not that far behind. I may not use social networking forums, but I use my blog instead. Relying on the fact that it is anonymous. How long will it be? I guess, I will soon go on a cleaning spree of my blog as well.

Why has it become so difficult to find good friends like the ones who had back at school and college these days? Work friends just don't cut it. And everyone's left lonely instead, and end up relying on the internet to be heard and understood. A status being liked has become a reassurance of 'you're not alone'. How long will that reassurance last?

This world has become a complete stranger to me. One day, I might be able to go with it's new found ways, but not today.

Today, I'll finish with my last word:

Why?

And maybe 3 more:

Why why WHY ???

Meandering

Something is not right again. Don't know what.
Maybe the bunch of tiny things that happened... maybe not.

My pillow was recently kidnapped, and I got very upset. Found it back, but it turns out I'm very touchy about my bedding. Always have been slightly specific about it.

My laptop recently went into a coma and was resurrected. I think that took the biggest toll on me. I get very very very restless when I lose something, or when something of mine breaks. When that happens, I'm touchy, and moody and restless and a big pain to be around. PMS is nothing compared to me with a broken belonging.
I can see and feel it myself, my voice becomes shriller, my demands become crazy, and I basically behave like a person with OCD put in a zig zag maze. I try my best to stay quiet and far away from everyone, as much as possible during those times.

I remember once, about 2 years back, my photoshop went berserk. My friend made the mistake of offering to get it for me. I'm sure he regretted it. I gave him hell for a week. I've regretted it ever since. I don't know if I've apologized to him for that. That is another thing that's been bugging me. The back of my mind wondering if I should apologize for it now (better late than never right?) which means that I would have to talk to him. So I didn't. He's coming back to India in a month. Or so his gtalk status message says. I really really hate unfinished stories, or weird closures. Even a brillian plot, in a beautiful story means nothing to me if the last paragraph is messed up.

Back to the laptop ... when things break at home, I'm normally the one who fixes it. Even stuff to do with my dad's car or bike. I like tools and I like wood. When it comes to gadgets, I have wonky but decently effective ways of fixing them. So I thought I could revive my laptop on my own. I couldn't. This was the first time it's gone to this state. I took to the service station, and that guy fixed it within 2 hours. He said there was nothing wrong with it, except that it's time to change the battery. I know the battery is in bad shape, but I was sad I couldn't bring it to working condition like he did. I think that's one of the reasons I'm still sad about it, even after its fixed.

Another thing, which is something I should be used to by now is the now intensified get-married-or-get-a-job nagging at home. My grandma is hypothesising that my neice will be getting married within a couple of years, and I am still not inclined to it. [My eldest cousin is just 2 years younger than my mom! How is it my fault that my dad's family is really huge, and he's the last son?!] Out of the blue, dad has been getting a ton of proposals, and it's really getting to me. The week before last, 4 guys were described to me. FOUR!!! That is one every other day, and some.
In the job front, my dad doesn't like the offers I'm getting, and I don't like the offers he's liking.

The book is going good, but not as fast as I want it to.
My mood is so sour, the past couple of days.

It struck me lately, that I've forgotten to feel how it is like to be in an emotionally demanding relationship. The clean (read uncommitted) life I lead now, requires me to feel only a few basic emotions: happiness, sadness (very limited), anger (from shallow sources), jealousy (Over things I chose against) and love (For family - not the type that involves working on). I've become so used to living like this, that I think I've forgotten how to feel more intense emotions.
I've forgotten passion.
Bad as it is, I am still looking for a purpose. Now no passion. Sheesh. Atleast when I was working, I had enough things to hate with a vengence, and want with zest.

Now, what I have left is a bunch of emotions that I let the people in my head feel.

There just ain't no passion for myself.

Now that I've figured out what is wrong, and I also know that I think I don't want to do anything about it, what are my options?

A. Finish my book
B. Finish my book quickly
C. Go to Venus

Fickle Pickle

I had a dream last night. One of those vivid dreams that you can remember even intricate details such as scents from.

In my dream,
I was engaged to be married in a couple of days. When the dream started, I didn't know who it was. I hadn't met the man. It was completely an arranged by family affair. 
So it started with me finding out, and setting out to see him for the first time. We met at some sort of a huge ground, it was night time, but there was some event going on there. Our conversation was like how two strangers would talk, when they suddenly find out that they are to be wed to each other in a couple of days. We politely tried to get to know each other.
It felt like a long walk, from the ...car park (?) to the area where people were seated. When we were almost there, he said he had a gift for me. At that point, I knew I was wearing my pink watch, and he pulled out that exact same watch from his backpack. He noticed that I already had the same one, and was quite disappointed. [As dream logic tends to get a bit hazy at times, I'm not exactly sure what happened immediately] There was a similar indigo watch, but he couldn't keep the pink. [I'm not sure if we parted amicably or not]


The next day was the day of the wedding. I was getting ready. When I was half way made up, I decided to give him a call. I think there was about ten minutes to go for the wedding. He picked up, and our conversation went something like: (me starting off with)
"hello"
"hello"
"Um..so...."
"You felt it too right? The not feeling it part ..."
"Uh huh. So this is it then?"
"I knew you'd understand"
"Yeah... okay bye"
"Bye"
I knew then that the wedding had to be called off, and informed my dad. My dad helped me..us(?) out by informing the guests. The guests were seated in a circular altar of sorts. When I was reasonably sure that most of them had left, I went to look. I saw everyone leave, the place where I was supposed to be married at, and I didn't feel even the slightest bit of regret or remorse.
After a certain amount of time had passed, we were talking on the phone again. Then, I asked him why? What was his reason. And among obvious things such as 'we hardly know each other' he also mentioned that he did not have enough patience to handle me, matter of factly. 


Towards the end of the dream, I met him somewhere else, at a common friend's place, and I remember feeling .. a comfort level. A connection that was more because we shared an experience at some point than love. And I felt sorry that that was gone.


My dream ended thus, and morning came.

I am watching a drama right now. I had finished 2 out of 16 episodes, and I declared to my friend that I loved beagle (A name we had given a character). To his credit, that guy was intense, and one of the most unique character portrayals I had seen in a while.
At the end of episode 2, he meets with an accident. Since my friend is watching the same drama too, I bugged her to tell me if or not he dies, as I wasn't able to get back to the drama till late evening. She finally gave in and told me that he did. He dies. I was devastated. I loved that character, and couldn't understand why someone would create such an awesomely unique character, and kill him off in 2 episodes! I was sad to the extent that I was sure I would not like the drama hence forth, and even toyed with the idea of discontinuing it.
My friend assured me that it gets better again, even without him. I took her word for it, and now I'm well into the drama, and busy rooting for another guy to get Beagle's muse! How fickle of me right?!

Do we all move on so quickly, and adjust to life without what isn't so fast? or is my specially developed talent?!
I am slightly worried.

I recently met a guy, who was in love with a girl 5 years ago, and still likes her. He's not waiting for her, or pining after her. He has accepted the fact that she doesn't love him. But he still cares for her, and he hasn't gotten into any relationship in the past 5 years, because of her.
Me? 3 months is the longest I've felt for a person, or felt sad or anything related ..after a break up. Or end of a one side crush.

That said, when it comes to relationship, I react in extremes. When I like someone, I get over committed, if there is such a thing! And scare the guy away. Then happily get over him in no time. And I haven't been able to find the middle ground yet.Which I'll not know for sure, till I try, I know.
The guys who have liked me are the ones I've been cold to. I'm that way with most people, till they find out (because or not because of me) that I like them. I seem to be going with this relationship push and pull like a tug of war game, either pull with all I've got, or let go and walk away.

All that aside, why is it so easy to move on with life without someone who was once integral in helping you live it? And why on earth am I so exceptionally good at it ?!? Is it just me?

Paper Cut

There are big things like ... being unable to figure out the purpose of life, being a social recluse, not able to figure out what career I want, not getting a job I want ...

Then there are tiny little things... things like ... Being unable to revamp my resume at one go - who knows what they wanna see?!, Seeing an ex (boy) friend's birth date on a sample resume, the perfectest tall guy bf gifting a girl an Audi Q5 (because she likes corny things!!!) in a drama, my hair not feeling perfect in spite of a long lathery wash, cutting my finger when cutting ginger, not being able to smell what I cooked for some odd reason, stitching that is yet to be done.

We have small things, and big things. They say its the little things that matter in life. As far as today is concerned,  damn right, it's the little things! Argh, they can make a person so irritated. And frustrated! Though not even one full drop of blood came out, and the dish did taste good, it is still not my day.

And that girl in the drama? Some accident, and now she's driving an R8.

God please help me get an Audi before I hit 30!

Mid night, White night.

Another midnight post 

Don’t we just love those!

It’s 12: 20 AM, and I just got myself a snack from the kitchen. Why is that even a point worth mentioning? Because the kitchen window was… is open and earlier tonight I saw some white light reflected on some leaves or something through it. Why does that matter? Rewinding a bit: Because I say a portion of the movie “The Eye” yesterday.

Still not making any sense to you right? Understandable that.

Toing toing toing: Rewinding a lot more: I don’t do scary movies. The scariest movie I’ve ever watched is a movie called shock. Even in that, I think I saw the ghost just once. The rest of the time, it’s either the music or my sister telling me when I should have my eyes tightly shut, and when I can watch the movie.

So “The Eye” starring Jessica Alba, is a movie about a girl who gets an eye transplant, and … no points for guessing… starts seeing dead people, ghosts and the like. All scary movies have a ghost signature – colours: white or black mostly. And other ghostly things (Parts when my eyes are definitely shut) – mirrors, sounds in the dark (D’uh), empty rooms, empty passageways, photographs… cameras … ok okay, you get the drift (And I’ve started really creeping myself out here!!!)

The Eye, (in the first 20 minutes) had the trade mark girl dressed in white, long black hair (Shudder).

Toing toing toing: Present!

So yes, now you know why I considered myself very brave for going in there, and getting my snack. Despite knowing the window is open. I looked out, and remembered that back when I was a student in the hostel, we used to roam on the streets around the hostel all night. And that was soo much fun. Even now, the night is … will always be dear to my heart. With all of its mystery…

Why am I rambling? Because its June now.

No more my birthday month. No more the month I gave myself to think and make a ton of decisions. It’s the month to take action! The decisions have been made. But I was so objective about it, that I spent very little time on it. So, they obviously haven’t sunk in. Besides, I’ve realized that I can support myself financially – freelancing for a while. So the pressure has greatly decreased.

Normally, New Year begins with fresh expectations and a clean slate and all, but I give myself till May to wrap things up nicely. Now May is over. June it is. Blessed June; which always brings with it a ton of emotions and guaranteed mood swings.

Mood swings + Less working hours + Me = Bad …terrible terrible combination!

Anyways, what will be will be. Doing a bit of travelling this weekend. Mini trip. Going to keep myself occupied a lot. Did I tell you that I’ve been experimenting with cooking? And obviously, I’ll keep you updated on all that happens on the flip side!

Still dreaming,

Someday’s Dreamer

One lost ear ring...

I don't like change.
No, its not change, I don't like. It's uncertainty.

So I came here to rant about all the things that are over whelming me, and guess what blogger decided to do?!
Get a new look!
Change, I tell ya, is plaguing me.
Some notice? An option of using the old look till I decide to get used to the idea that a new one is lurking around? Nope. Just open blogger one fine day, a day when one wants to rant about change, and WHAM - they change! Seriously people! A little sensitivity her ?! I've been using that old look since I began blogging...
Sigh.
I sigh, and the writing area decides to expand to fill the page with no scroll down option!!! AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH !!!! Wae wae wae WAE ?!?! I prefer knowing how much space is left to the end.

My life is fine... nothing majorly bad.
But its those tiny kutty kutty things, that you know you can deal with individually. And there is no need for defense mechanisms like denial or keeping myself super busy.
3 medium sized things, all in one week. Plus this blogspot look changing (ok, that's too tiny to matter, I know, but still..)
1. Like you already know, the wedding thing. I made up my mind, told my dad that I need time. Dad tells grandma. She freaks. Now she talks about it all the time. ALL the time. I'm not kidding! She's spoken about it so much in the past week, I'm going to get serious allergic. Or worse, when she's not talking about it, she takes someone's wedding card (And damn, why do so many people we know have to get married ?!? even if they do, can't they just send e-cards or something? Then I can delete it, tell myself its because of space issues, and not feel too evil/ guilty about it) So my grandma takes some wedding card, sits, stares at it, and sighs as loud as ever, followed by smaller sign, then "In my lifetime ....." Another sigh. Sheesh right?
2. Job hunt thing, which I've had to put on hold temporarily because of my exam on Monday.
[psst...I'm like one inch from the bottom of my lappy, and this thing's scroller won't show! Blogspot,seriously! I bite!
Aaahh, there it is! I guess threats work with techno stuff too ! Bwahahaha]
Anyway, so yes, this being April - Appraisal month, no one's really hiring. Even though I know I don't wanna work till probably the last week of May or June beginning ... well you know, this is one big uncertainty!
3. Finally, The impending exam, and more stressing is the 200 page record that I have to hand write by tomorrow. And I've finished only 50.

Finally, the tiny things

• My sister lost a ear ring, I had like forever, and gave absolutely ridiculous answers to how, what , when or what next. (I might have really blown up yesterday at that)
• My grandma suggested she re-arrange a bag of mine now, (getting ready for the trip 2 weeks from now! TWO weeks!) and
• Blogspot ...ok ok...we've covered that bit. (You can't get mad at me for that blogspot, you did spring it on me!)

So.. after putting it like this, I'm realizing it's probably just stress and not a depressive spell around the corner (Okay, yeah, Maybe too much of psychology) that made me want to drive off to some un-inhabited location and scream.

So I guess its not change... or uncertainty ...its just stress.
Hmmm..... and come Monday, exam done, I guess I'll be fine.
I better be, huh !

Danke, kiregu adios !

Symphonies of life

My last few days, when I think back, feels like one of those music videos where the lead actress is cycling along, hits a bump, waves merrily at someone she randomly knows, parks her bike outside a coffee shop, goes in with a book, hits a table, orders something sinfully casually yum -like a chocolate shake, then drops all her coins when trying to pay, finishes the book finally, bumps into a waiter by mistake, but no major hazard, and then off she goes... smile on her face.

Monday started the week with a jam packed schedule.More than jam packed, I was on my feet a LOT. So many meetings, excel sheets, floor plans, numbers. I had so much fun! At the end of each day (Monday and Tuesday) I never noticed time flying, and I was already at the end. I didn't realize how, but I was drained, yet overflowing with ideas. The climate is perfect, drizzly.
The background music in my head is great.

On Monday we went to our new office premises, to check it out. Came back and made floor plans on Excel. I know excel is more useful than I can ever imagine, but this, I would've never guessed! I owe my team mate a thankoo for that suggestion. I got to see first hand how the top management thinks and negotiates. It was wonderful learning. The fact that some of the negotiation happened over chocolate milk shake and apple pie never hurt. ;)

On Tuesday, I felt like a baby elephant when I woke up. It was also the day I had 4 square meals :P
We had back to back meetings till 6.30pm, and by then, I was conked out. All I wanted to do was sit.
In the evening I met a friend, and had a lovely conversation over soup, lollipop and lamb. I left him a bit dumb founded in the end, and an expression that screamed "But, WHY ?!?!". Nonetheless, it was fun. Hehe.
He is one of those people you can have looooong intellectual conversations with, or just talk about food or the place or music or whatever. It's easy somehow. Always.

Wednesday started as a beautiful lazy weekday, when the weather is perfect to sleep in on. Got better when this darling friend of mine not just reminded me that I had to pay my fees, but also decided to fill the application form with me, so I don't procrastinate, like I tend to.
During the process I found that I had lost a receipt which is essential for the next payment. I thought I was done for. I'd either have to shell out that much or drop the course. All the searching had me postponing my meetings. Didn't help, I didn't find the receipt. I was all set for the worst day at office. My friend had been ever more of a sweetheart and said she'll pay mine with hers. And due to issues she had, she couldn't do it yesterday. I didn't have much hope left. Surprisingly, the day was quite mellow. And ended with a chat, which we later realized lasted for an entire hour and a half.

Today, I woke up after a fitful sleep. Work wise, day's good and productive. The fee issue got resolved, Big BIG thanks to . I've lost the elephant size, and back to being a hippo ;).

This post wasn't to keep a daily log.
There are some days when I feel there isn't a point in anything.
We're going to die anyway.
There are those days when I feel the human body is so fragile - we could break or die because of the smallest of reasons.
I still haven't figured out the purpose of life.
But I've stopped looking for it like it's the only thing that matters.

I love and enjoy food. It makes me happy, here and now.
I absolutely enjoy long conversations - they somehow, seem to me as the thread that is woven to form life.
I like making myself happy, doing things I like and want to. It just makes sense to me.
I like making others happy, it's fun.
I don't speak to some people if it feels it drains me
I try to get to know as many people as I can. More the merrier.

I have mood swings. I think every girl does.

But, I don't feel alone anymore.
I feel one step closer to understanding, if not figuring out what life is all about.

That's what this post is about.
That's what I want to say.

Same thing that we read countless times

It's the little things that count

The big things, and the big decisions in life are like the colours that are provided to us in our palate. Everytime something new and big happens, we get one more colour added to our palate.

The small things in life, the tiny everyday decisions we make are the pictures we paint. How we choose to mix the colours and draw the picture.

It's starting to look like even if life feels ever so boring, with just one colour to paint with over and over again, we still have the choice to make it as intricate, fun and beautiful as we choose to.

Every new day has a fresh area added to our canvas. We can't live in the memories of the one nice picture we painted before, or just dreaming of the picture we could paint if only we had that other colour. We've got to start painting, so that when that colour comes along, or some other colour comes along, we already have the stage set for it to make our picture so much the prettier.

I'm learning to paint new pictures, instead of crying over the old ones. Or what could have been.
I'm learning to love living and dreaming. Just the journey itself.
I'm trying, and succeeding a bit more everyday, to just enjoy the ride, though I have absolutely no idea about where I'm going or why I'm going there.



My life isn't perfect. My life is beautiful.

My Nightmare

I woke up at 3.30 AM, to the feeling of someone pulling at my toes.

Images of people in white, covered in splashes of blood, body parts missing, on an open bus, raiding the streets harassing others for body parts still vivid in my head. The instinct to protect my mom and my sister still strong and real. And of course, the heart that wouldn't stop racing.

The last time I had a nightmare was definitely more than 4 months ago.

Getting a nightmare is no big deal, I don't stay terribly afraid for a long time that night. All that stopped when I was a kid. It's just that feeling of unrest that prevails.

If I had a nightmare, I used to hold my mom's hand and go back to sleep. And all was well again.

That was long ago too. 

For the past 4 years, every time I had a nightmare I used to call him or message him. Even if he were asleep, and all I did was text my nightmare, it still felt fine. Because I had gotten it out of my system.

When I was at my college hostel for 2 years, I always had the option of just walking down the road at any point of the night and find someone to talk to, to take my mind of the nightmare. Even then, if/ when I didn't want to find someone, he was just a call or text away.

Last night, there was no one to call or text.

No one to tell me it'll be alright, and make me laugh about something silly again.

I woke up this morning, still feeling restless, Anger much closer to the surface than it has been for a while.

The nightmare wasn't what occurred in my sleep last night, that was just a bad dream. The real nightmare, the one I'll have to live with, was the realization that struck when I woke up because of the bad dream.

A Rose By Some Other Name

There's a long email in my inbox.

A smile playing on my lips.

A tear threatening to fall.

I'm not here to write about any of that. I'm here to randomly wonder. And hypothesize.

(Doing a lot of that lately!)

What is the difference between the colour WHITE and SILVER?

Yes, silver has that sparkly, shimmery element to it, but otherwise, they're almost similar right?

Yet, when we say white, in our minds, we picture a...paper, a wall, soft fluffy clouds,.... beautiful white things. But, when we say silver, at least to me, there's an element of ...something more involved. I sense Christmas, I see shimmer, I see glittery stars... I feel a bit of magic.

Ok, that last bit might be slightly exaggerated, but try it, close your eyes, think silver, and see what comes to your mind, I bet you would get at least an inkling of magic in your images.

"What's in a name? that which we call a rose
      By any other name would smell as sweet"

Said Shakespeare.

That is true, I totally agree. 

Call a rose a pic and smell it, it would smell just as sweet.

Suddenly though, I'm wondering if a rose by any other name would have become so popular!

All over the world.

I'm pretty sure I've come across many flowers that have an aroma that is far sweeter than the rose, and I know that there are MANY MANY flowers that are much more beautiful than the rose.

So, what does a rose have that all of those prettier better smelling flowers don't have? 

The name: Rose.

The name that has been forever associated with love and romance, an emotional significance, and cliched in every way possible. That's what the other flowers don't have. 

So I think a rose, by any other name, would surely smell just as sweet, but would not have been half as popular.

So coming back to colours and words.

Words have a special ability, they can make the most drab and humdrum things sound exotic and spectacular.

For instance, if I described a girl with deep chocolatey eyes, and then a girl with brown eyes - Every characteristic, except the eye colour description same word for word, I'm certain the girl with chocolatey eyes would have looked better in your imagination.

I think that is the deal with white and silver. The association we've made with them over the ages. Agreed they're not the same, and do have a difference. Yet, they're not that different either. Our visual senses have associated silver with more ...interesting... shiny...sparkling things than those we have with white.

Visual tricks, just like with words.

Different part of our brain I guess.

This is just random wombling (wondering + rambling).

A stray 1 AM thought that I felt like exploring :)

All said, have a shimmery silvery day !!