Merry Christmas !!!

A very Christmas to all of you :)

A beautiful Christmas, in so many ways ...
The climate's perfect!
I'm surrounded by people who love me, in spite of the fact that I'm so far away from home.
I don't have major regrets for things I did, or things I shouldn't have done, kept those to a minimum or I've already worked out solutions :)
Spoke to my Dad, sis ...cousins... friends ...almost everyone who matters.
Went and wished God a very Happy Birthday.
(There were 10 kings in the Church crib !!!! many of them hiding or sneaking off in the opposite direction :P the main ones were there though, thats what matters na :P )
Quite a few people said I looked pretty today (Vain I know ;) )
My room is decorated ...
I did my share for the community, however small it is :)
There was cake too, vanilla cake :)
I even got a few Christmas gifts, one surprise gift at 12, like I found it under the tree :)
My future looks reasonably solid and bright from where I stand (distant future I mean, Got exams in a couple of days, for that I'm not saying much o.o.)

Christmas does not hold the same meaning it once it. It's different. It's a ... beautiful season, excitement ...sometimes forced. I still love it, but is it only because of habit, I cannot tell.
Today morning, I had a realization. I think it's sort of God's gift to me.
And like God's gifts, it's very hard to decipher, but I know I might just learn to like it ...
The realization was, the bubble I like in... all my walls of defenses ..I've been living for about 3 years thinking this is how it will be from now on, and cold hearted as it may ..as I may seem, I've learnt to live with it. All the walls around me. Decisions as objective as possible, avoiding getting attached as much as possible, walking off before a blink when I get even the slightest inkling that it doesn't matter. You get the drift .... well it felt like someone was telling me that it will all eventually fade ... the walls, the defenses, the whole thing (I think). And it won't be sudden or drastic... but eventually in 3 years or so.. :)
Thats nice I think. I can loosen up a bit :)

I don't know what you got for Christmas, but I would like to give you,

A smile

And wish for you,

Hope, for that's one of the best things we can have, even when all else fails
Love, loads and loads of it !!! Beautiful thing, that keeps the world spinning :)
A hug from and for someone you love
and Peace when you close your eyes, so that it brings that smile on your face .

Merry Christmas !!!

Placement Fever

It's in the air ...

It's in my friend.

It's everywhere.

Am I feeling it too finally?

I think so !!!

I'm not particularly worried, not even tensed or anxious, just something in my system which is all excited about the possibilities this week might hold, or the disappointments it might bring.

Fingers and toes crossed!

Pray for me people.

:)

Post Decision - Cognitive Dissonance

Many times, we stick to certain decisions only because we made them in the first place, and we don't want to contradict what we have decided for ourselves. We are so afraid of proving ourselves wrong, fear of sounding shallow to ourselves and the society.

To reduce cognitive dissonance, after the decision is made.

Sometimes though, after the decision is made, we get so many reasons that scream at our faces saying that it was wrong. But for certain aspects, for example, for getting over someone you liked, the society has a set norm about how much time it should take for a person to get over certain feelings, "if they were true in the first place". Otherwise, we are branded as, like I said before, shallow... skippers ... and so on...

Why is it so difficult for them to understand that, yes I felt something, but no, I don't feel it anymore, it's not a big deal.

We're not on this planet forever, and I don't wanna spend half or more of the time here feeling obligated toward some decision, wrong decision I made sometime ago.

Why do I, in spite of knowing all this, still have the fear of thinking of myself as a shallow person?

I move on quickly, WHEN I know it won't work out. That DOES NOT mean that I would love any less or felt too little in the first place. It only means that I am sensible enough to understand that it wasn't meant to be and go on with my life.

Aimless Wandering

For reasons unknown …

Totally so ?

I’m not so sure

I feel like I’m caught in the middle,

Of my heart and my mind

The throat

Exactly like which, I turn to whichever direction

Either of them wants me to

Aimlessly

Lost

But not particularly concerned

There has to be a clearing somewhere

It’s not dark yet

So I’ll wait

Wander

Look around

Occasionally curl up and sleep

Eventually, someone will find me

Or my daddy will come looking J

He always does J

I can't do it ...

You might be wondering why this is here. Why when you asked me with so much care and concern, to let go, why my response is here. I know I told you that I will try, that I will get attached. Relax. Live.

But I couldn't do it, 2 days …I tried. I give up. For good reason. It was like opening the door when it's snowing outside, and I'm dressed in summer clothes. I'm not ready for it... I tried briefly and failed miserably. I ended up almost depressing myself. Not now... please.

This is not the place where I should be explaining this. But this is the place I'm most comfortable at.

All that you told me was very valid... but where I am right now I can't do it. Not here... not now. It might seem like I have a lot of time, I do. But I don't have enough time to be chasing the ghosts of my past now, neither do I have the energy to face the skeletons that I have to clean out from the cup board. I've learnt to live with them, and at many levels it'll be awfully lonely without them. Besides, I'll have a better base if I do it when I'm home. I know ...

I'm not saying I can't do it. I'm only saying I can't do it now. Maybe after April ... I'm sorry you wouldn't be able to see the transformation. It may not even be that big a deal. But I'm not ready for it yet. I need a few concrete back ups at least ... A job, a plan or at least, just home and family.

So till then, I probably will continue to be who I am now.

I hope you learn to put up with me.

I will work on it when I feel I'm ready for it.

I need time ...

I can't do it.... Not now.