It's midnight...
My writing now has more to do with my brain not working, and very little to do with the stray thoughts that are passing in it anyway.
I caught up with a friend after quite a while today.
She's.... living life. Travelling... decent job... super professional life... happening personal life... constantly changing emotions.
She really is living.
And I?
I'm watching.
I was jealous for all of 3 seconds after 15 minutes of uncontrollable laughter at myself after reviewing both our lives. We both went to all girls schools, same college, same coaching institute, co ed post grad colleges, and we're both working for almost 2 years now.
Theoretically, it looks like almost the same experiences right?
Practically... I went, did all that and got back home. She went, did all that, made truck loads of friends, and more memories.
It's crazy I tell you.
Watching her, I know I could have had a much more happening life.
Neither of us could answer "why" I don't.
But then... my life, with all the dramas - virtual, books (Yes Eragon, I know you're giving me meaningful dead pan sarcastic looks, I will get around to finishing you and all of the others...someday!), the dresses I design, the stuff I stitch ... is that all I do ?!?!??! Oh yeah, and work and study!
Sheesh... why am I sounding more like a 2D story book character?
Last year, around the same time ...I was job hunting, getting over a major ego bruise, restless, still caught up in past tangles... and lonely.
All I wished for then was to be content. Not ecstatic.. just content.
Now I am.
But then again, I'm not lonely one bit ! I'm single and content.
Cleaning up my friends list. Got clear idea of what I want and don't want in my career.
And there's this strong ... pyramid builder attitude.
God knows where all that patience came from... but there seems to be some sort of calming force within.
I'm making each block, cleaning the surface and polishing it, setting it just right before moving to the next one. And checking the state of each block as I place the others.
The base is not yet complete. Everyone knows, once the solid base is in place, the rest will automatically set itself.
The cleaning is making me all calm and composed.
Am I scared of myself?
Sometimes I wonder...will I become someone I don't know?
:) I don't think so... just that one part of me is getting slightly bored. But she knows why we're doing this now. So the occasional 3 seconds of jealousy .. when I see committed friends, or people at work giving it their all even when they have no idea what the bigger picture is... doth flash by. That's good though...ensures I don't get too complacent and get stuck at one block.
Too tired to sleep
Too sleepy to type
Current song running in my head: A thousand years by Christina Perri.
"How to be brave, when I'm afraid?
....One step closer..."
I should be more careful of what I wish for though ;)
Have you ever played Chinese tangles when you were a kid?
Its a game, when a group of people start of standing in a circle, holding hands. Then, without breaking the links, they tangle themselves between each other. Until what is left is one tightly knit group of people. Since everything is so tangled, one can no more make out which part is who's. You can hardly figure out who is who.
There is another person, who wasn't a pert of this group, who's task is to untangle this group.
Imagine that the un-tangler leaves, or never existed. Then we're left with a bunch of tangled people, stuck to each other. Some happy, some without a clue as to why they are there.
I remember when I first joined, it was more out of an adolescent need to belong, rather than actually belonging.
After all these years of only being a somebody in a group, today, I've finally broken free!
Chuthaa! It feels good :)
Not that I don't like them. But it's more that I don't know them. Apart from one, I don't know any of them, and they don't know me. And we were just forced to be with each other, because of a long ago commitment.
I think now its okay to break free.
They might make a big fuss... or maybe not... who knows..we don't!
But I think its high time I stopped being the scared kid inside, when I'm with them.
I letting go, they can, and of course will stay together, - but they know each other. So it's not a problem.
I'm gonna step out of the tangle and may be if life provides with the opportunities, get to know them individually, or just go on with the happy memories.
They say that it feels worse to be be lonely in a crowd, than to be alone.
It most definitely feels worse to not belong to a group that you're physically part of.
So I'm breaking free :)
I am a one to one person.
It was great getting to know you guys. Some of you, I'll never forget, and always will keep in touch with. Those of you already know that! And in the end, that's all that matters right?
Quoting a dialogue from "Finding Mr. Destiny"
"Anyong..."
"Anyong..."
"Anyong!"
"Anyong!"
(You probably have to see the movie get that bit)
Maybe we'll get such good closure at some point too... who knows.
For now, it's gonna be an interesting 2 weeks!
Anyong ! :D
Do you know those days when everything falls exactly into place?
When I found the blog template that finally appeals to me again.
When I wake up with a smile on my face
When the biggest concern is "To shop or not to shop"
When the cold chocolate is just chocolatey enough
Today is one of those days.
Its been exactly 3 weeks since the new year begun, and I've already gone through bumps and cruises in both my career and life at home. Everything I want to come here I and cry or jump with happiness, it just didnt happen.
But now, here I am again, with my cold chocolate a hands reach away.
I was watching the movie Super 8 yesterday, Spielberg hasn't done that great a job. But there was this one dialogue that got me thinking. Joe says, when she was there (his mom) "She used to look at me... like really look...like I existed"
Thats exactly the feeling I've been trying to explain for the past few years. Be it the bubble or the forest. The feeling that no one, after her seem to be able to really see me for who I am. So much so, that even when I look in the mirror I only see bits and pieces. Moms are amazing that way. The few days,.. weeks, I don't know how to say it - some dreams feel so real, I can't stop thinking about them, some bits of real life feel so hazy and unreal, I feel like I'm gliding right past them.
Big things, like missing a good friend's wedding, or the fact that another really good friend is going to be leaving my city soon is not sinking in. Just refusing to bother me, or create the impact it has to. Even my cousin's little newborn daughter, I still haven't called her, and its been 5 days! Small things like a paper askew, something on my workstation that doesn't belong to me, a calendar that someone flicked, my quilt are bothering me way more than they ought to.
Displacement?
In all probability.
Having a long cold war with my dad and sis after quite a while.
I don't know why it started, but I know exactly why it made me so mad and miserable, same reason why I won't be the first one to give in.
What I feel now...where I am is not like before. Now I'm aware. Awake.
2012
I'm finally able to distinguish between things I started disliking because of the trigger. And things I just dislike.
I no more have that major taboo against being missed or missing people. I'm not that girl who wanted to die, and not have anyone cry for her any more.
I still, really don't like it when people ..or a person keeps holding my hands or touching my hand or shoulder, however friendly the intention maybe. I'm a neat freak, and I think bacteria.
I am to a large extent a control freak, but only when the situation is ambiguous. If it is well defined, I do not try to control everything. In fact I don't even interfere, if the other person is confident of being able to do it.
I, surprisingly, like new things.
This one is new. Habit acquired over breaking another. I remember a point when I used to always want to sit at the same seat in that same restaurant, and order variants of the same type of food. Not anymore. I like trying new things. I love surprises. I'm okay when they back fire. I don't use that same plate all the time anymore. Or my same pillow. That basically means I'm over being in my comfort space. To the extent that a friend of mine laughs at me jumping at every new nice thing I see / feel or witness.
I still love photography.
I know it started of as a desperate need to cling on to memories. But now its more about angles, colours and of course lasting happy memories.
I don't mind being lead. In fact, I like it when some one's holding my hand and guiding me along.
There was a point, back in my full control days when I even hated riding pillion. Now, I have no problems with people telling me what to do, exactly how to do it, till the extent I don't even have to use my brain for something :P It's strangely fun. But of course I like using my brain, and do use it occasionally.
I LOVE food. Period.
Apart from boney fish and squishy sea food, I am game for anything.
As far as I am concerned, there really is no greater love than the love of food! The flavours, the aromas... and of course, I love chocolate. One snickers/ ferroroscher / fried ice cream, I'm in heaven. Ask Mish, she knows :P
I love travelling.
Be it just a long drive that leads to no where, or backpacking on my own. New people, new cultures, new terrains, I'm happy as a lark.
I still haven't found a place/ a group of friends or someone I feel like I completely belong to.
Pretty nomadic, happy child I am. I know I'm occasionally lonely, and feel left out. But... I have friends who like some parts of my quirks, and I'm chugging along. So it's not anything sad just yet!
I have a quick temper.
Something I thought I had killed over the past few years. But no. Luckily though (or unlucky for a very few), I show it only when I know I completely can.
I can be diplomatic.
Never thought I'd accomplish that one !
I am not confused anymore.
Not about my career. Not about my future. Not about my relationships. I understand them, and know when to stop analyzing something.
I'm still impulsive.
I still say whatever I feel, right then and there.
I've told myself not to, but then, if I don't, the people in my life won't know where they stand/ stood or will stand. So I guess I'll just keep doing it. May be stop myself occasionally, when I know its now needed at all. But all other times, I will. Decided.
I love the rain, starry nights, the ocean and Korean dramas (There, I've said it) and singing out loud (in or out of tune)!!
Finally, most importantly I am happy, and I am simple.
I've considered this long and hard, far and wide. There really is no way I can be a sad person. Its no fun. People have told me that they feel happy when they are around me, so there's no way I can be anything but a happy person. Of course there is the occasional tear, but who doesn't feel that. I am in general a happy person.
And I'm pretty simple and straightforward about who I am and what I like. How much simpler can a girl get? ;)
I know this was a long detailed post about me.
This is more the base person I am. After the bubble period, lost period, soul searching, self definition searing - I found who I am.
I probably never would have ever done any of this if it weren't for the Psychology I did, and am doing, and the MBA which made me question everything about me. But the storm is over now :)
And my cold chocolate is still cold.
So off I go !
Cheers *.*
HOLA PICOLA !!!!
My first post in 2012 :D
And before I continue , Need to make special note to the fact that this blog featured in the Newspaper!
Oui my babies, we're famous :D
Okay, dont have much time in hand - So firstly - HAPPEEE New year :D
And I'm here again for one of the few reasons that always have me running here.
Wanna take a guess ?
Rain !!
:)
The rain today looks exactly like how the Blog Template is.
Sudden, wild and brilliant. And I was grinning like the earth just kissed me :D
So we moved into this new office premises, and the roof top has red clay tiles... and the smell of it as rain hits ..omo! Heavenly !
I know if there is a heaven, it rains there a lot, and at least smells like it.
I have tons to tell you and and truck loads happening, and I want to gush out everything right now. But ... I know the year beginning and of course our new found fame need dedicated posts. So I shall refrain - like I refrained from running into the rain coz I had to go back into my office.
Loving 2012.
(The first rain of 2012 was on Jan 1st morning- awesome kick off or what!)
Signing off now,
Still the imaginative realist,
Rain luurrrvvvvver,
Always yours truly,
Someday's dreamer.
1. Short temper - After 3 years of control, its creeping back into me ! Fight fight fight !!!
2. Impatience
3. Impulsive outbursts
4. Talking without thinking through, without thinking through consequences (Especially in my personal life!)
5. Ego and Selfishness
One of the things I've always wanted to do was go for a long drive, music blaring, along the coast, in the rain.
Now that I've done it, I know I'm always going to keep wanting to every time it rains!
It was one of the best days of 2011. I know I've had a few good ones and few bad ones this year, but I'm pretty sure that day will make it to the top 10 good ones, if someone's keeping track!
Just for the sake of memory; Date: 29th October, 2011.
It all started, like many good things do, one rainy day. There was thunder, there was lightning, every element which mother nature uses to express herself in, in all of its glory. We got talking or chatting online... when I said I wish I were at the beach. One thing led to another, and before we knew it an offer to drive to the near by coastal attraction was made and accepted with complete glee. A date was fixed. Plan sealed XD
I'm a very insecure person. When the day arrived and I had received no call or text confirming the drive, I was certain that it was going to be cancelled. But, when the rain came down, I knew I had to at least try! I sent a tentative text, and got a reply that dismissed all my doubts, with the time of departure. I know it probably had nothing to do with the rest of the day, or actually leaving.
But when I'm in doubt, especially when I suspect a possible rejection, my first reaction, almost instinctively is to reject first and run. That's probably what I would have done, had it not rained that morning.
So you see, small act of faith was a big step for me :P
With all of Lady luck favouring us, we set off. The route that we took was the more round about one, which meets the coast a little later than the other route. I must admit I was more than just a tad bit disappointed in the beginning. I was nevertheless determined to be happy- long time dream coming true na! And boy am I glad that we went that way!!!
That's when the rain started :)
The road wasn't the best, but it was one of those tree-y roads, yunno? With big trees forming an arch way all along the way. That road ended in another road which was pretty with bright yellow flowers along the center and foresty growth on either side. It felt like it was right out of some Enid Blyton novel! I was all but jumping. The specially bright green, and that pleasant chill which only a consistent slight drizzle can create.
The music was pleasant, though my constantly changing the song within 8 seconds of it starting might have tested the patience of even a saint :P
The road suddenly cleared, and we were surrounded on both sides by the wide expanse of a lake. I felt like Anne of green gables, stepping into my backyard - of the house of dreams. It was beauutiful !Buildings were so far away, and so tiny, like they belonged to a different world, the same world I had left my worries in.
That road, driving on it, at one point having my hand out in the drizzle and letting the cool wind blow on my face... the highway with the squiggles, the green arch way, the forest path, the lake road ... that one long stretch, was one of those places that could make one truely happy. Just plain keep-grinnin kinda happy. Not thoughtful, not just content, but ":D" happy. I loved it !
Soon, the road came to an end with us joining the coastal road. I regretted leaving the road that I had initially regretted taking, like life's many ironies. Glad I got to witness it on that day in all of its glory though :)
Getting back on the familiar coastal road was like coming to a home away from home. I almost know it by heart. And just when I was getting all smug about being on "my turf", we turned into - Tiger's Cave. One of those places that I've always crossed, but never been to. It was truly a discover. You could say there wasn't much there, but there was enough for me. An old abandoned rock temple project, 2 stones that were oddly placed, lush lawns, trees and a beautiful drizzle that can make a crowded street feel like a movie scene!
The place was really beautiful though :) One of those tucked away wonders. It had a small entry to the beach, and I obviously wanted to go!
A few shells and a Kulfi later, we set off again.
This time, focus on the Final Destination: Mahabs!
The drive to mahabs after the break went much faster and smoother.
My request for lunch was shot down with an "after the shore temple! Its not raining now, so we should go"
We stepped out, 3 steps, and drizzle became a gentle rain...10 steps... rain became a shower.
"Maybe we should get an umberella..?" my friend asked tentatively.
Which I obviously shot down with a "Hell no, isn't this what you wanted ?!" Impish grin spread all over my face. Even so, we dashed for cover in a small curios shop. The nice lady there gave us a plastic cover to place cell phones and cameras in. Once I knew that was secure, my attention ...or rather my distraction was randomly refocusing.Bang opposite to us were a couple of gypsies, holding umbrellas, but their wares - glass beads, left out in the rain.
I'm not sure I will ever find the right words to describe the feeling and the beauty associated with looking at colourful glass beads displayed in the rain. And the ecstacy that accompanied running across the street in the pouring rain to check them out. May be it was my cheery poncho, maybe it was just the absolute happy smile on my face - everyone seemed to have a smile for me.
I shopped, my sweet friend paid :P
Provided I wore my gypsy-y beads. I obliged happily!
The one...one and a half hours that followed will forever in my memory be one of the most peaceful times I've ever spent. The shore temple, which I had last visited when I was about 10 years old, was just what the name said - a stone temple along the sea shore.What adds to its charm is that it is an unfinished temple.
The builder, the king who beckoned the temple to be built had a fight half way through and all construction was stopped. Rumour has it that the builder ran away with the king's daughter - the princess of the land.
The temple has been well preserved across the centuries, and is as..if not more beautiful today as the day it was built.
(My Light house obsession)
There is a word in Tamil called 'Saaral'.
Saaral refers to a mild spray ... a kind of rain. Which is lighter than a drizzle. Where each drop is miniscule and sweetly cold as it falls on our faces.
There was a lovely saaral though out our time there.
That place had some beautiful memories. Memories I have from photographs. A picture, where my sister looks absolutely adorable sitting on a stone cow, and grinning ear to ear was from there. I realized that when we saw it there, and that made me all the more happier.
My friend was forced to conquer a slight fear of heights, and join me in sitting atop another one of the many stone cows surrounded the temple. We looked at people, watched water falling from a higher surface to a lower one, stared at the ocean, smiled at the kids playing at a distance.
everything was so peaceful in my heart right then.
We left happily. Satiated with the peacefulness.
Towards food!
A longer ride, and a little bit of desperation (for food of course) from my end ensued.
Funnily enough, with my desperation, the intensity of the rain increased.
Making me feel like the rain queen :P
Amazing lunch with invigorating conversation followed.
Sing me to sleep
I am tired
I want to go to bed
And sleep a dreamless sleep ....
For an hour
For a day
Maybe more
May I fade away?
People ask me questions,
I stare
I really don't know answers
I'm sorry
For an hour
For a day
Maybe more
May I fade away?
People tell me things
I politely look interested
Do I want to cry?
Do I feel sad?
Do I want to be happy again?
Do I just want to sleep?
I don't know...
Just don't.
If you leave me alone,
And walk away
I will stay as quiet as I am
In the same place
Move not a muscle
No smile on my face
Will I fade away?
May I fade away?
And disappear all together...
Choices,
Decisions
Ones that ought to be made
Ones that were made already
Ones that are being made
Feel heavy in my head
For an hour
For a day
Maybe more
May I fade away?
People smile
I smile back,
Because I know I should
But the smile fades away faster than a bubble breaking
There was nothing in it
There are things I have to do
There are things I want to do
There are things I can do
They would have to wait
For an hour
For a day
Maybe more
May I fade away?
May I please just fade away?
That's the text I sent out to half a dozen of my friends at 5: 30 AM, this morning.
It's raining again after almost a 2 week dry spell this monsoon. It couldn't have come at a better time!
Yesterday was a bad day at work.
I am still proud of the fact that I didn't break into tears right in the middle of the meeting.
The fact that I am proud of such a thing, probably doesn't say much about my maturity. No matter what my friends say, as far as the professional world is concerned, I am as immature as the day I first stepped into MBA, and blinked at people as they spoke about OPM.
As I look through my back door, there, just beyond the grill is a sprig of green leaves - a beautiful, fresh, washed out green which only rain can bring, bent a bit over- again because of the rain! Against the white wall of the house behind mine. It looks almost picture perfect. Makes me wish everything in life was that beautiful, and straight forward.
Too simplistic?
I guess... But sometimes, I just wish it were.
Then again, I'm happy that no matter how hard or crazy life seems, a small (or big) shower of rain can bring a smile to my face again.
So much so, that today morning, after a turbulent work-dreamy night, I woke up to the sound of rain.
I was so excited, I wanted to run out, and say
"I have struggled in vain, but I can contain myself no longer. I need to tell you how ardently I admire and love you"
So much for water falling from the heavens, you ask? Well .. ;)
Hoping you find your happy thing too !
Happy rainy day :)
