She sat looking into her computer
One movie and 2 chat boxes
Alternating between the two
Her sister
And best friend
And a whole bunch of un-shed tears
Caught up in her throat
She told her friend that she wanted a ditch
A big one
Filled half way with quilts and pillows
So being buried there would be perfect
But what she wanted to do was
Scream
Really scream.
As she cried
Maybe even thrash some glass
The shattering of glass could be something that might calm her down
She'd told herself she was ready
But hadn't realized what she had signed up for
If she had,
She knew for certain that she'd never have waited this long
Not for this
She would have taken care of it,
As she saw fit
But, that ain't true
Back when the age was right,
The time wasn't
Age wasn't that big a deal now
That was a fact
Which she knew
Was aware of.
Almost always
Except when they brought it up
Then she felt old
Ancient
Her best friend tried to joke it away
She smiled
But it wouldn't reach her eye
Because the tears were busy pricking her there
Was this it?
What this what it was going to be?
Damn.
She felt doomed.
There was no where to run.
Nowhere.
How could he
After all those years
Not understand even the basics of what made her
How
It didn't make sense
Nothing did at that point
Except the craziness of it all
Why of all the blessed countries of the world
Did she have to be born in that one,
Where this was a common cultural practice?
She knew she could have done a lot worse
If they were playing that game
That she had it better than many
In most things
Most
Not this
Definitely not
Some days there was hope
And then other days were like this.
Maybe all one needed
Was someone to come over and say
"It'll all be okay sweet heart"
Like they really meant it
And maybe
A hug could help too
Of course
A friend
A sister
And a whole lot of words
Poured out
Those help a little too
Or at least enough
To get one to sleep out of exhaustion
Rather than moroseness
Showing posts with label Rants. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rants. Show all posts
Not enough
Friday, May 16, 2014
This is going to be a gruesome post. Definitely not for the faint hearted, or for those dainty men who like to tip toe around girl problems, and pretend they don't exist ~ or exist in an alternate reality where only women in pain are allowed. This is about my period pain.
Today is my first day. Bam, it started at 5:30.
Actually, for 24 yrs of my existence, rather for the first 11 yrs of my womanly existence, I didn't have period pains at all. I used to be that girl who went "Oh I'm so sorry... it must be terrible right. I don't know how it feels. I don't have any aches and discomforts.... for me it just comes and goes. Once in 45 days that too! Touch wood"
All the touched wood provided luck that lasted only so long, or its probablh just that when the luck runs out, it runs out. Its also possible that all those other girls with pain cursed me terribly ;)
Or there could be some rational biological explanation to it all. But I'm personally going with the curses theory. Seems to make most sense.
Anyway... the luck ran out, and the pain ran in, about 5 months back. So here we are.
I'm planning to explain the the experience as clearly as possibly... and I'll try to give at least an hourly update or till the pain runs out today.
Today is my first day. Bam, it started at 5:30.
Actually, for 24 yrs of my existence, rather for the first 11 yrs of my womanly existence, I didn't have period pains at all. I used to be that girl who went "Oh I'm so sorry... it must be terrible right. I don't know how it feels. I don't have any aches and discomforts.... for me it just comes and goes. Once in 45 days that too! Touch wood"
All the touched wood provided luck that lasted only so long, or its probablh just that when the luck runs out, it runs out. Its also possible that all those other girls with pain cursed me terribly ;)
Or there could be some rational biological explanation to it all. But I'm personally going with the curses theory. Seems to make most sense.
Anyway... the luck ran out, and the pain ran in, about 5 months back. So here we are.
I'm planning to explain the the experience as clearly as possibly... and I'll try to give at least an hourly update or till the pain runs out today.
Small rewind till 5.40 today
5:40. I poured myself a giant glass of milk, cause I know I won't be consuming much else for a long while today.
At around 6 the pain started. Its almost gentle at first... radiating softly through my legs, till it reached the extremities where they lodge themselves as the first pain centre. Beating and pulsing the pain gently in regular intervals.
I called the boss man at 6:10. Didnt want to repeat last time's mistake of going to work and suffering like I'm in hell. I work in an industrial area, so its about 1.25 hours drive from home ~ under good traffic conditions. The boss, though evil, being a man, readily sanctioned the leave. "No problem ma. You take care" I wonder if he got scared that I would get into graphic details of the said "bad stomach ache" with him too. That taken care off, I have a relatively calm pain focussed day ahead.
By 6:30, the big guns are brought out. The biggest pain centre for the menstrual cramps differs from girl to girl. There are some common ones... lower stomach, bum, lower back, upper thigh, just stomach. I've been blessed with pain on the spinal chord in the lower back region.
So let me try to explain this as accurately as possible. It feels like little people are walking on the last 3 spinal chord bone rings. As the walk, not being smooth catwalkers, they tend to have the spinal rings clash with each other - then falling on them - so the entire region throbs for a moment, then stops...then again...then again...
Its almost 7 now. I think theyre trying to sculpt the 4 faces on the final chords... or pinching to check the elasticity of the bone. If I tell them bones are not elastic, will they stop?
The carousel has started in the stomach now.
I think this is a good time to explain position. Not those positions perv! Menstrual positions. During the cramps, there are positions of comfort. These mostly depend on where we are. Like sometimes, you might see a girl hunched over one side, in what seems to a positively uncomfortable posture with a slightly relieved look on her face, which is still slightly scrunched up. She has probably found the position of the moment that gives maximum relief for the highlight ache of the moment. Positions have to keep changing sometimes with somepeople, as the cramps people find amusement in playing hide and seek around the centre of the body.
5:40. I poured myself a giant glass of milk, cause I know I won't be consuming much else for a long while today.
At around 6 the pain started. Its almost gentle at first... radiating softly through my legs, till it reached the extremities where they lodge themselves as the first pain centre. Beating and pulsing the pain gently in regular intervals.
I called the boss man at 6:10. Didnt want to repeat last time's mistake of going to work and suffering like I'm in hell. I work in an industrial area, so its about 1.25 hours drive from home ~ under good traffic conditions. The boss, though evil, being a man, readily sanctioned the leave. "No problem ma. You take care" I wonder if he got scared that I would get into graphic details of the said "bad stomach ache" with him too. That taken care off, I have a relatively calm pain focussed day ahead.
By 6:30, the big guns are brought out. The biggest pain centre for the menstrual cramps differs from girl to girl. There are some common ones... lower stomach, bum, lower back, upper thigh, just stomach. I've been blessed with pain on the spinal chord in the lower back region.
So let me try to explain this as accurately as possible. It feels like little people are walking on the last 3 spinal chord bone rings. As the walk, not being smooth catwalkers, they tend to have the spinal rings clash with each other - then falling on them - so the entire region throbs for a moment, then stops...then again...then again...
Its almost 7 now. I think theyre trying to sculpt the 4 faces on the final chords... or pinching to check the elasticity of the bone. If I tell them bones are not elastic, will they stop?
The carousel has started in the stomach now.
I think this is a good time to explain position. Not those positions perv! Menstrual positions. During the cramps, there are positions of comfort. These mostly depend on where we are. Like sometimes, you might see a girl hunched over one side, in what seems to a positively uncomfortable posture with a slightly relieved look on her face, which is still slightly scrunched up. She has probably found the position of the moment that gives maximum relief for the highlight ache of the moment. Positions have to keep changing sometimes with somepeople, as the cramps people find amusement in playing hide and seek around the centre of the body.
Right now, it's just 7:05 but already it feels like the entire lower back is a demolition ground. Theres also a possibility that they are building a small plank bridge connecting the tail bone anf belly button. And too many cramp people aare trying to test it.
I know its just test, cause I know its gonna get a lot worse. -_-'
I know its just test, cause I know its gonna get a lot worse. -_-'
8:15. The big guns are out. Theres a bloody war being waged in my abdomen. Right now I dont care who is winning or losing. Just want the damn thing to stop. The leg is having its one ball. It feels like I ran with 5 inch heels for the better part of 2 days. If there is a provision to cut it off and refix it later, I will gladly chop it off instantly.
My sis was sweet enough to get me a hot pack. It helps slow down the big musk mellon that is being grinded in my stomach.
The experience is so not cool man. Not cool!
My sis was sweet enough to get me a hot pack. It helps slow down the big musk mellon that is being grinded in my stomach.
The experience is so not cool man. Not cool!
9:55. I want to take a shovel and scoop out my innards. There was a time this morning, when I thought that now that Im at home and in bed, I can comfortably find this position or that, set up my laptop and watch a movie maybe. But Nooooo!!! A girl can be on an office chair, princess bed, on the floor or anywhere... this discomfort cannot be helped.
If you re wondering how Im writing this, its in a desperate need for distraction with almost shivering hands.
My right leg is my worst enemy.
If you re wondering how Im writing this, its in a desperate need for distraction with almost shivering hands.
My right leg is my worst enemy.
Moving is an amazing moment of co-ordination of discussions with various parts of the body. I have to get up in a moment to pee, and my shoulder (one of the very few parts of my busy that isn't in paint) is very guiltily checking with my abdomen if it can move. After a series of such checks and adjustments, I slowly move.
My pelvic region... I would gladly break away parts of my pelvic bone and the tail bone - if only I could throw away pain in those parts along with those parts.
It goes from moments of intense prayer to curses to just giving up. Gah.
My pelvic region... I would gladly break away parts of my pelvic bone and the tail bone - if only I could throw away pain in those parts along with those parts.
It goes from moments of intense prayer to curses to just giving up. Gah.
10:45. The violent storms are finally calming down, and the ship is slowly...veeerrrrrryyy slowly regaining a semblance of balance. Hope in the possibility of staying alive (all in one piece!) is finally restored.
As things calm down, and land can be sighted a great distance away, peace takes over. There is still a shooting pain on my back. But after the last couple of hours, just pain is nothing. It's a welcome relief. The hot pack is warming my back and I thank heavens for letting me be able to stay in one position for such a length of time.
12:20. I don't know how it happened... or when it happened... but I had actually dozed off for almost an hour! My back is still being a pain... in pain rather. But its so much better than the crushing feeling of the morning. Now it's just pain.
Now the storm is over.
I may still not be able to run for the next 1 or 2 days. There will still be an angle at which I walk - which probably makes me look like a 90 year old, but what the hell, its comfortable. But in reality, after this point, as much as I would love to walk bendy, I'll probably suck it up and walk straight, like all other girls do in this condition, almost every month.
Now that the land is actually clearly in sight, despite knowing that there are about 3 to 4 days before being able to get there, I can think of other stuff like - maybe something to eat. Thought of breaking/ chopping/ scrunching body parts are now gone :)
This was an interesting thing to share.
I wonder how many people I freaked out. And I wonder more about how many men would read this and go "NO WAY!!!!" And how many girls give a sympathetic knowing smile.
Life goes on, and this is done with for a month at least!
Have a good day ;)
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
There’s depression lurking in the corner
Waiting for me
And I brought it on myself
Invited it via mail as well
I asked for it
I dreamt of it
But dreams have a way
A way of making everything seem….well dreamy
Memories too
The best are kept
The rest, under the carpet swept
To be brought up when you least expect it
I’d said good bye
I’d found my closure
I’d come to terms with it all
I did occasionally remember
Especially in May June August and December
But that was fine with me
And then I could hold it in no longer
I thought I was being clever
I know now that I should have been stronger
I can’t say another good bye
That, both of us will destroy
And make me worse than the wicked witch
In cold heartlessness ripe and rich
I don’t think I could do it again anyway
I got into it wearing rosy red glasses
Now that’s broken into almost a million pieces
I see it now
Clear as melted snow
It’s at the tip of my tongue
The one question I want the answer to
But the fear of rejection holding it back
For I know as much as I want one answer
I’ll surely get the other
So I say nothing
I shot the arrow
It got where it needs to be
One last flight, before its set free
By being snapped in two
No options of redemption, clearly
Everything seems the same
But everything is so very different
Thursday, February 6, 2014
I've been in this company for just more than a year now. And I'm sick of it.
Originality committed suicide on these grounds. Nobody does anything because they want to..or for we need to. They do it because someone else does it. I could go on...
Last year I cared...I tried to make a difference. I believed I could.
Now I don't. I don't give a damn.
Usually, I would have believed that if it had come to this level, I will walk out. I would never willingly stay at a place where I can't do my best.
Here I not only hate what I have to do, I don't have a choice to leave either. I'm pretty much bonded here for the next 10 months minimum. So now I resign myself to gruelling ten months of staying indifferent because I pretty much sold my soul.
Maybe it will get better. Maybe it might even get worse. But for now I'm stuck here with one foot stuck in this hardened concrete called work place... Crap.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
It's a beautiful morning... It rained most of last night, and the earth is pleasantly coated with dew and mist.
And my head is gently layered with confusions and questions. Why so early in the morning?
To that I know the answer. I started writing it out yesterday. The story as it were, so I can get over it as soon as possible... Apparently I don't have much time till I get my full act together. 15 days to be precise.
This morning I'm saddened more by everything that went wrong, rather than by what it all could have been. This is sadder because now I have to accept that it's over, or would have been anyhow.
Technically.... As a story writer, one couldn't have set the scenario much better than what it is right now. God's one smart cookie, He is.
Imagine this; I wanted a boyfriend, and he practically threw one at me. I didn't have to lift a finger. He was sweet, and the nicest and most patient guy a girl could ask for.
He loved me, I knew it and felt it. I loved him too... But I wasn't in love with him.
We were far from right for each other. Our priorities and outlooks on how we dealt with life were poles apart. We tried so hard to make each other understand, and a little to understand the other person.
But, the interracial differences and the language issues made it so much more difficult. Yet the reason we broke up had nothing to do with our differences, and was something entirely.... Almost entirely out of my control. Yes, out of my control, because I do blame him for not having any control in that situation.
It happened too fast, even before I knew for certain if we could have ever ironed out our differences.
We broke up, and that's were the brilliant scene setting begins.
I was supposed to go someplace abroad officially. I run off to a friends place for the weekend so I can take some time out to lick my wounds. I get back to find that he has gone to that same place abroad for a month, and that someone else is going in my stead. Ergo, him and I don't have to be in the same country, this one or another, for a while. And him not being here means he'll be missing the 2 day exhibition we were to attend together.
Perfection right?
Yup
Now I just have to go through all the million stages of dealing with this, so by the time he's back, I can acknowledge him like a cold stranger. Like he already does to me, over text. I didn't know "we can be friends" can ever sound so cold.
Something about rains and nights make me more emotional than I need to be.
All this rambling, because this morning, it struck me anew that it's never going to happen. Ever.
Pity?
Like many other things, I don't know.
Will I be okay when I see him again?
This one, I so so wish I knew.
Have a good one y'all.
Yours truly,
Today's wonderer
Sunday, July 7, 2013
I am on the way back from the place that was supposed to help me get a little perspective. As I was sitting in the bus, I found just that; perspective.
Some random girl on the bus tv was saying that she didn't know if she liked someone, but he made her happy. Her friend told her that she definitely liked that guy.
So technically, I should be glad that this was over because I hadn't been happy for a while. Our priorities were markedly different and it was affecting us quite a lot. It wasn't values, just one principle. One that mattered to me a lot, the direct opposite of which felt right to him. It had to do with how time was used.
Anyway.
So, there I sat in the bus, miles away, and almost feeling like I was ready to face life again, even with him lurking in the corners.
I was quite happy with how my mind had sorted things out, I even felt a bit lighter!
Then the bus takes a small detour from the straight route and passes by bang through the front of his house. When do I realize that? Three seconds earlier, just in time for me to look out the window wondering, and see the entrance of his apartment.
Everything..... The distance, perspective that was found with difficulty, all went out that window. My throat constricted, and everything of that moment felt wrong. So wrong.
Life is complicated. By humans. By our need for social structure.
As someone who loves watching the novelties of different cultures, I shouldn't be complaining. But I wished for hose few minutes that things didn't have to be this way.
I'll go back to acceptance I know. I can get there faster than most. I don't like things that happen without a reason, more because I know it's very much a rational fact. For that, I hated this moment.
Tomorrow is yet another day.
For today, till here will do.
Stay still my beating heart.
I've got you.
Thursday, July 4, 2013
All my bags.... or my bag is packed, and I'm ready to leave. Almost.
For someone who used to take pride of the fast that she was a fast packer, and a thorough one at that - I felt sloppy today. Like I've suddenly lost my touch.
I've travelled quite a bit in the past one year, and have a million miles yet left to cover.
Was it just the packing?
How can almost two months, that felt so heavy with moments and memories be suppressed so easily?
Is the possibility of that rational?
Sane?
Just defence?
Don't know.
Will let you know if the concrete with which it has been covered, moulded and sealed away ever cracks... and if anything leaks through.
And when it does, I want these dates to be sealed away with it.
3rd May....9th....12th....17th.....26th.....June 11th...12th...
June 29th...
July 1st...3rd....4th
62 days.
Felt like 62 weeks
Feels like 62 seconds
For someone who used to take pride of the fast that she was a fast packer, and a thorough one at that - I felt sloppy today. Like I've suddenly lost my touch.
I've travelled quite a bit in the past one year, and have a million miles yet left to cover.
Was it just the packing?
How can almost two months, that felt so heavy with moments and memories be suppressed so easily?
Is the possibility of that rational?
Sane?
Just defence?
Don't know.
Will let you know if the concrete with which it has been covered, moulded and sealed away ever cracks... and if anything leaks through.
And when it does, I want these dates to be sealed away with it.
3rd May....9th....12th....17th.....26th.....June 11th...12th...
June 29th...
July 1st...3rd....4th
62 days.
Felt like 62 weeks
Feels like 62 seconds
Friday, December 7, 2012
...Than the love of food!
It has been more than 2 weeks! (Almost 3!!!) since a chicken has died for me in this world.
How?! Why?! Waaaaaaaaa
Girl need her chicken!
Fish don't count, no matter how much better they are for the body. I don't even like seafood too much! Waaaaaaa. I won't be getting meat tomorrow also :(
[BTW - if you're expecting me to stop whining, it'll be faster if you stop reading :/]
Back when I was at college, I hated the meat at the mess. It was always undercooked or over cooked. So when I first went there, I almost went three whole months without meat. As a vegetarian!!! Can you believe it? Me! By then, I found friends and places to hang out at so it was better after that.
But back then... I was young, and had more patience. Now... I need meat.
Chicken lollipop.... pepper lamb...mutton biriyani....
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa !!!!!
I had home made chicken soup yesterday... without chicken :(
How horrible right?
Last week, I looked forward to sunday all week, knowing that there would be some dead animal cooked and waiting for my consumption...but no. Well yes... A fish or two...but they don't count!!! I want chicken :( Even KFC will do :( Even nuggets would do....waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa !!!!
I want to eat steak.... or chicken pizza....
Sigh.....
[I did not pasting a picture of a real cooked chicken out of consideration for similar minded people who might have started craving chicken after reading this post!]
Friday, November 9, 2012
So this post is a rant fest. Of two things, one much more that the other.
First one: (Which is the jealousy bit)
My friend has gone to South Korea! And he has already seen an idol band there!
Okay, you know I'm into kdramas, and most of my current celebrity crushes are from there right? So someone I know actually getting to go to that place I've come to know so much about made me real jealous.
Not to the super jealous level though, because all said, I am really really really chommal chommal happy for him. He has earned it, and completely deserves it. The sweet heart even had to go through a major stress jam session till the day of his departure because of his visa. Also, I wouldn't want to go to Korea, or any of those countries famous for their fashion until I have like a humongous bank balance with which I can splurge.
Now that I admitted my little jealousy, moving on!
Second one: (Obviously the irritation one :P )
This is the big one. I have been trying, and failing miserably to not let a photo bother me. I have these few friends (...?) from school, whom, I admit I am not very close to. Yet, we have dinner and catch up occasionally. The other five (and one) are much closer to each other. They are more like proper friends. And I am? Chincha mulla.
So you see, it never bothered me too much that I wasn't emotionally close to any of them. I have friends from other walks of life, with whom I was able to connect better.
Yet, they call me for dinner - which they plan together, and come after hanging out at some one's place. A few months back, I saw an FB pic update of five of them at an airport together. Dunno which, where why. I wrote it off, saying they didn't call me because it was probably not this city. Today, I see another pic update of four of them very much at the beach in this city. Two or three weeks back, when I was here as well.
I am not irritated that they didn't call me to the beach or even inform me about it, I am irritated as to why they call me for those rare dinners?!!??!?!?!?! It just does not make sense to me! I go because I like those people. I may not like them as friends, but I do like them as individuals. Should I not go here after? Cut it off completely and spare everyone the trouble?
Again, no idea! I don't even feel like the kid I used to, when I was around them. Now its just honest confusion.
I remember once, long ago...four or five years ago when I raised this issue. I think it was when I was just finishing my bachelors, or starting my masters. I wrote a long e-mail to them stating that I felt like an outsider, and that they weren't including me. I was probably in the height of adolescence, when belonging mattered. They all had a discussion over it, called me and told me 'how could I even think such a think. Why was I treating them like third parties... you get the drift. They basically told me it was all in my head.
Now, I'm sure they can't say that. We're not children anymore either. Three of them are married, one engage...
This is, I like clarity. Whether we're friends, or not. I have a few friends whom I don't talk to for years, and then we meet and we're as close as ever. This is not that. Especially if they're meeting without me all the time. So yeah, we're either friends or not friends. And right now, the indicator is definitely towards the not friends category, but we all are weirdly pretending otherwise. Even that pretense is now straining.
How weird would it be, if I called one of them tomorrow, the only one I'm comfortable with (Who even sent me a good morning text today) but is also the core of the group, and went:
"Hey dude, I know we're not emotionally attached. You and me, me and the group. Can we just call it quits, because this is getting too weird for me? And when we do, can you not bitch about me to my back? We can be people who smile at each other if we bump into each other, and I'll invite you for my wedding."
Actually, there was another girl who was my really good friend for two years at school, before we had a major fall out. I bumped into her at a mall, and we had a small chat. That was fun, I even went to her art exhibition after that!
Sadly, they're the only ones I'm in touch with from school, apart from my one wanderer best friend. So if I cut them off, it'll be like I am cutting off almost everyone from my school days. How weird is that for ten years spent in one place. 40% of my life, my entire adolescent phase so to speak!
Sad isn't it? Especially all the more so, since my other really good friend has been raving about getting back to being best of buddies with her school gang recently.
If only I had my present attitude at school, or I had realized back then that I am not a group kinda person, I only observe people in groups and talk only when it is one to one or two at the max, then my school life might have been saved. keke. No worries though, it was a fun place to live in with tons of drama!
Aigoo... adulthood is so complicated. Female groupism is even more complicated!
I think I'm done ranting. I might call her, or decide that I've had enough "Complete clean closure" for the moment, and focus more and wrapping up my book like I should be doing!
Annyoung :)
First one: (Which is the jealousy bit)
My friend has gone to South Korea! And he has already seen an idol band there!
Okay, you know I'm into kdramas, and most of my current celebrity crushes are from there right? So someone I know actually getting to go to that place I've come to know so much about made me real jealous.
Not to the super jealous level though, because all said, I am really really really chommal chommal happy for him. He has earned it, and completely deserves it. The sweet heart even had to go through a major stress jam session till the day of his departure because of his visa. Also, I wouldn't want to go to Korea, or any of those countries famous for their fashion until I have like a humongous bank balance with which I can splurge.
Now that I admitted my little jealousy, moving on!
Second one: (Obviously the irritation one :P )
This is the big one. I have been trying, and failing miserably to not let a photo bother me. I have these few friends (...?) from school, whom, I admit I am not very close to. Yet, we have dinner and catch up occasionally. The other five (and one) are much closer to each other. They are more like proper friends. And I am? Chincha mulla.
So you see, it never bothered me too much that I wasn't emotionally close to any of them. I have friends from other walks of life, with whom I was able to connect better.
Yet, they call me for dinner - which they plan together, and come after hanging out at some one's place. A few months back, I saw an FB pic update of five of them at an airport together. Dunno which, where why. I wrote it off, saying they didn't call me because it was probably not this city. Today, I see another pic update of four of them very much at the beach in this city. Two or three weeks back, when I was here as well.
I am not irritated that they didn't call me to the beach or even inform me about it, I am irritated as to why they call me for those rare dinners?!!??!?!?!?! It just does not make sense to me! I go because I like those people. I may not like them as friends, but I do like them as individuals. Should I not go here after? Cut it off completely and spare everyone the trouble?
Again, no idea! I don't even feel like the kid I used to, when I was around them. Now its just honest confusion.
I remember once, long ago...four or five years ago when I raised this issue. I think it was when I was just finishing my bachelors, or starting my masters. I wrote a long e-mail to them stating that I felt like an outsider, and that they weren't including me. I was probably in the height of adolescence, when belonging mattered. They all had a discussion over it, called me and told me 'how could I even think such a think. Why was I treating them like third parties... you get the drift. They basically told me it was all in my head.
Now, I'm sure they can't say that. We're not children anymore either. Three of them are married, one engage...
This is, I like clarity. Whether we're friends, or not. I have a few friends whom I don't talk to for years, and then we meet and we're as close as ever. This is not that. Especially if they're meeting without me all the time. So yeah, we're either friends or not friends. And right now, the indicator is definitely towards the not friends category, but we all are weirdly pretending otherwise. Even that pretense is now straining.
How weird would it be, if I called one of them tomorrow, the only one I'm comfortable with (Who even sent me a good morning text today) but is also the core of the group, and went:
"Hey dude, I know we're not emotionally attached. You and me, me and the group. Can we just call it quits, because this is getting too weird for me? And when we do, can you not bitch about me to my back? We can be people who smile at each other if we bump into each other, and I'll invite you for my wedding."
Actually, there was another girl who was my really good friend for two years at school, before we had a major fall out. I bumped into her at a mall, and we had a small chat. That was fun, I even went to her art exhibition after that!
Sadly, they're the only ones I'm in touch with from school, apart from my one wanderer best friend. So if I cut them off, it'll be like I am cutting off almost everyone from my school days. How weird is that for ten years spent in one place. 40% of my life, my entire adolescent phase so to speak!
Sad isn't it? Especially all the more so, since my other really good friend has been raving about getting back to being best of buddies with her school gang recently.
If only I had my present attitude at school, or I had realized back then that I am not a group kinda person, I only observe people in groups and talk only when it is one to one or two at the max, then my school life might have been saved. keke. No worries though, it was a fun place to live in with tons of drama!
Aigoo... adulthood is so complicated. Female groupism is even more complicated!
I think I'm done ranting. I might call her, or decide that I've had enough "Complete clean closure" for the moment, and focus more and wrapping up my book like I should be doing!
Annyoung :)
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
This last week has been a confront the past week.
It's coming to thrash me in all sorts of ways!
Be it a four hour chat with my sister I wasn't mentally prepared for, or an old friend letting me know that he's returning, or someone I had completely written off endorsing me (no less) on a social network site or someone from the last year giving me an update about this year.
This last week, the only confrontation I was ready for was meeting my nemesis at a wedding - the only thing that didn't happen last week.
I guess it is true when they say: When it rains, it pours.
I don't like change that I am not ready for, even as simple as moving the furniture. So when it is as big as confronting someone's past, or accepting someone coming back in the future, or even accepting that some people I had written off are trying to wheedle their way back (God knows why), I need time to get used to it. Time to get ready for it.
Since I wasn't, I messed up BIG time in that chat. When you spend a life time thinking something was your fault, and living a confused and ill adjusted life, admiring and envying another for how well they dealt with the same thing I couldn't, just to be told out of the blue that they had a much tougher time than I did, shock is expected by default. Shock, denial, and trying to focus on the future and everything as I knew it, instead of what it actually turned out to be. Saying things I shouldn't have, or probably in the wrongest way possible was just the beginning.
I need to remember that the next time I feel that I need time to mentally prepare myself for a conversation, I should leave the room immediately and not stick around to realize too late that the conversation has already begun.
Do I regret it? That I listened - not at all.,That I used my mouth then - COMPLETELY. Sew me up somebody!
And then something that I was maybe slightly prepared for. Or not... I was prepared for the return of my ex-best friend, not for an email communicating the same. One that I replied to after messing up that a-fore mentioned conversation. One that has been pinging back and forth as one liners, which brings with it essays, no volumes of past memories, which are being brutally shut down.
Then someone, I notice has been in my territory. Someone who was banished from my past completely has been in a mall which is officially my territory. I mention that to my friend, and we rant about how awful it is when someone we don't like invade into "our" places. And what do I find later, an endorsement! How would he even know what I'm good at? Here, hopefully I'm a little cleverer and shall not reply. And more importantly - I hope that wasn't his feeble excuse to get back into my life. No thank you.
Luckily for me, last week also had balancers like my close friend coming back home for a short holiday - so got to spend some quality time there. Good progress on my book by channeling all those emotions, a fun filled gamey blogger meet, where I got to go to a beautiful palacey place, meet some amazing people, eat yummm food, play tons of games like I've been wanting to and win stuff :D and finished off by a long chat about a lot of different things with a friend to wind down the craziness of the week with some super sinfully delicious cold dark chocolate drink.
All of the above have ensured that I don't go completely crazy, which I felt I just might.
But I did cut off my hair, myself, late last night. It might sound crazy to read, but it ain't that bad. My hair has always been my venting and experimenting point, so it's super short now. But I like it, turned out not bad. Only regret was that I had added highlights to my hair just the week before, and a lot of it has been cut off. I hope I don't get to this state for a while again, or I might have to go bald next!
I am seriously considering being in silence for a few days... I've definitely reduced the amount I talk. It's almost like the place where my words meet my voice has frozen over, and only the very very important words get through it alive. Which right now is a damn good point.
The book is getting to be longer than I expected. It should hopefully be done very soon. It's current state is like a half baked marble cake. Lets see how it ends.
Have an amazing Halloween!
Best wishes from me and the skeletons!
It's coming to thrash me in all sorts of ways!
Be it a four hour chat with my sister I wasn't mentally prepared for, or an old friend letting me know that he's returning, or someone I had completely written off endorsing me (no less) on a social network site or someone from the last year giving me an update about this year.
This last week, the only confrontation I was ready for was meeting my nemesis at a wedding - the only thing that didn't happen last week.
I guess it is true when they say: When it rains, it pours.
I don't like change that I am not ready for, even as simple as moving the furniture. So when it is as big as confronting someone's past, or accepting someone coming back in the future, or even accepting that some people I had written off are trying to wheedle their way back (God knows why), I need time to get used to it. Time to get ready for it.
Since I wasn't, I messed up BIG time in that chat. When you spend a life time thinking something was your fault, and living a confused and ill adjusted life, admiring and envying another for how well they dealt with the same thing I couldn't, just to be told out of the blue that they had a much tougher time than I did, shock is expected by default. Shock, denial, and trying to focus on the future and everything as I knew it, instead of what it actually turned out to be. Saying things I shouldn't have, or probably in the wrongest way possible was just the beginning.
I need to remember that the next time I feel that I need time to mentally prepare myself for a conversation, I should leave the room immediately and not stick around to realize too late that the conversation has already begun.
Do I regret it? That I listened - not at all.,That I used my mouth then - COMPLETELY. Sew me up somebody!
And then something that I was maybe slightly prepared for. Or not... I was prepared for the return of my ex-best friend, not for an email communicating the same. One that I replied to after messing up that a-fore mentioned conversation. One that has been pinging back and forth as one liners, which brings with it essays, no volumes of past memories, which are being brutally shut down.
Then someone, I notice has been in my territory. Someone who was banished from my past completely has been in a mall which is officially my territory. I mention that to my friend, and we rant about how awful it is when someone we don't like invade into "our" places. And what do I find later, an endorsement! How would he even know what I'm good at? Here, hopefully I'm a little cleverer and shall not reply. And more importantly - I hope that wasn't his feeble excuse to get back into my life. No thank you.
Luckily for me, last week also had balancers like my close friend coming back home for a short holiday - so got to spend some quality time there. Good progress on my book by channeling all those emotions, a fun filled gamey blogger meet, where I got to go to a beautiful palacey place, meet some amazing people, eat yummm food, play tons of games like I've been wanting to and win stuff :D and finished off by a long chat about a lot of different things with a friend to wind down the craziness of the week with some super sinfully delicious cold dark chocolate drink.
All of the above have ensured that I don't go completely crazy, which I felt I just might.
But I did cut off my hair, myself, late last night. It might sound crazy to read, but it ain't that bad. My hair has always been my venting and experimenting point, so it's super short now. But I like it, turned out not bad. Only regret was that I had added highlights to my hair just the week before, and a lot of it has been cut off. I hope I don't get to this state for a while again, or I might have to go bald next!
I am seriously considering being in silence for a few days... I've definitely reduced the amount I talk. It's almost like the place where my words meet my voice has frozen over, and only the very very important words get through it alive. Which right now is a damn good point.
The book is getting to be longer than I expected. It should hopefully be done very soon. It's current state is like a half baked marble cake. Lets see how it ends.
Have an amazing Halloween!
Best wishes from me and the skeletons!
Friday, August 31, 2012
As I write more and more, I'm noticing that my dreams are becoming that much more vivid. Aspects such as colours, smells and emotions are so detailed.
I've always had too many dreams, so they do not bother me. Lately though, I've been having a few nightmares. As vivid as living it. Last night I woke up clutching my pillow so tight, and I could still see the eyes of the man who had been hunting me in my dreams. I almost clutched my head, wondering if I had hit it, as I had been hiding under a table in my dream. When I have a serious nightmare, I normally call somebody and go back to sleep only after I've forgotten about it. But these days, I've been feeling a bit too old for that. Or maybe its because those friends have gone away or busy ... a bit of both?
Though I claim to have grown too old to be calling friends about it, here I am crying like a baby. Ironic right?
To deal with this, I even brought out my long term boy friend, my Winnie the pooh out of the cup board he had been banished to for the past one and a half years. Sweet heart that he is, hugs me tight without holding any grudges. Even so, all these nightmares are being a real damper on my mood. I'm a person who doesn't even watch scary movies!
I'm trying a lot of things, milk before bed time, watching something funny or cute, listening to my favourite song, thinking happy thoughts... hope this is just a temporary thing and it'll go away soon.
Till later,
Sweet dreams :)
I've always had too many dreams, so they do not bother me. Lately though, I've been having a few nightmares. As vivid as living it. Last night I woke up clutching my pillow so tight, and I could still see the eyes of the man who had been hunting me in my dreams. I almost clutched my head, wondering if I had hit it, as I had been hiding under a table in my dream. When I have a serious nightmare, I normally call somebody and go back to sleep only after I've forgotten about it. But these days, I've been feeling a bit too old for that. Or maybe its because those friends have gone away or busy ... a bit of both?
Though I claim to have grown too old to be calling friends about it, here I am crying like a baby. Ironic right?
To deal with this, I even brought out my long term boy friend, my Winnie the pooh out of the cup board he had been banished to for the past one and a half years. Sweet heart that he is, hugs me tight without holding any grudges. Even so, all these nightmares are being a real damper on my mood. I'm a person who doesn't even watch scary movies!
I'm trying a lot of things, milk before bed time, watching something funny or cute, listening to my favourite song, thinking happy thoughts... hope this is just a temporary thing and it'll go away soon.
Till later,
Sweet dreams :)
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
I'm here.
Did you miss me?
Please say you did!
I've had a rough couple of days
It takes so much effort not to think of someone sometimes
How does a person who stops talking to you
Just like that
whom I wished for his birthday
who replied with when he's coming back
See me online and not say a thing
Granted, I didn't say a thing either
But I apologized
And all you said was 'ok'
You expect me to wave the white flag again?
Even after the birthday wish
Which was technically again darn it!
And yet
So its basically you don't care?
If you didn't,
Why would you tell me when you were coming back to the country?!?
If you did,
Is your ego that big?
Do I not matter at all?
Does the fact that we were best friends
Amount to absolutely nothing to you?
Forgotten already?
Finished the bloody chapter?
Good for you!
Now I'll do that too !
Damn it ! How can a supposed best friend stop talking to you, and continue not talking even after I apologized... even after I stayed up till midnight to wish Happy Birthday. Damn fickle human bonds!
If you ever decide to talk to me again, you bloody well have an 8 page long apology ready!
And damn me if I ever forgive you for this.
P.S: I am not drunk. Just very very very irritated at some people's ability to just cut off bonds and eat it up like its some cheese cake.
Aish chincha !
Did you miss me?
Please say you did!
I've had a rough couple of days
It takes so much effort not to think of someone sometimes
How does a person who stops talking to you
Just like that
whom I wished for his birthday
who replied with when he's coming back
See me online and not say a thing
Granted, I didn't say a thing either
But I apologized
And all you said was 'ok'
You expect me to wave the white flag again?
Even after the birthday wish
Which was technically again darn it!
And yet
So its basically you don't care?
If you didn't,
Why would you tell me when you were coming back to the country?!?
If you did,
Is your ego that big?
Do I not matter at all?
Does the fact that we were best friends
Amount to absolutely nothing to you?
Forgotten already?
Finished the bloody chapter?
Good for you!
Now I'll do that too !
Damn it ! How can a supposed best friend stop talking to you, and continue not talking even after I apologized... even after I stayed up till midnight to wish Happy Birthday. Damn fickle human bonds!
If you ever decide to talk to me again, you bloody well have an 8 page long apology ready!
And damn me if I ever forgive you for this.
P.S: I am not drunk. Just very very very irritated at some people's ability to just cut off bonds and eat it up like its some cheese cake.
Aish chincha !
Saturday, July 28, 2012
I watched a Hindi movie today, after a long time.
Happy ending and all that, but i realized why I started avoiding Indian movies.
I reduced English rom-coms too.
This movie, like most Indian movies and sitcoms seemed to emphasize on the pain that love brings, and relief from that pain as the climax. This concept somehow deeply irritates me. Why does one always have to go through pain, and internal and major external conflict, if they were in love in India? I'm guessing it might be the culture...
Love marriages - yes, they are a whole different category, are a surprising minority in Indian marriages. growing in number, yes. But by breaking through shackles, one by one.
If we were to compare this to politics, then only the 6 major cities have gotten freedom - but the power to govern has still not been given.
Marriages here are determined predominantly by caste, religion, superstitions (and oh, there are truck loads of them - speaking against which would apparently offend God in all sorts of ways), the families' societal status, educational background, gold ... and somewhere towards the very end of the list of gazillion prerequisites for a marriage, in real fine print "liking each other" shows up.
Indian women got their freedom before the American women - did you know? But I think they forgot to send out the flyer, because most people don't seem to know. But that's a whole different story. The point of it that concerns us here is - they're controlled by the family. Or by it (Read "it" - family, community, neighbours, religious division....)'s beliefs.
Finding their life partner themselves isn't an option for most, and for the rest (save 1%) it is a washed out second option, which completely fades out around the time a girl approaches 26, and the guy approaches 30 -32. After which, they're either forced into some loveless knot or for the strong ones who endure it - they face a life time (or till wedding) of random jobless people asking them when and why not, and accusing you of being too picky, or heavy headed or some other negative adjective.
The cinema aspect of this - which is probably also the realistic aspect - of secretly meeting, breaking up because the kundli didn't match, breaking up because they had different faiths - and families would never gel, breaking up because parents found out and get them married to someone else .. wait, all the breaking up happens in real life, but in cinemas, to keep the ratings high - we give them a happy ending at the very end.
The spend all that time fighting obstacles, when do they ever get to know each other?! But wait, India is the land of arranged marriages, where many meet on the day of the wedding (I am not stretching it, trust me) - so they can adjust and make anything work. But what about love?
Love without pain, love that purely makes you happy?
Is it non existent only in Indian Cinema?
Does it exist in real life? I'm not sure about in India... not as far as I have seen it.
Am I being an unrealistic romantic? critic?
Just inexperienced? ;)
Happy ending and all that, but i realized why I started avoiding Indian movies.
I reduced English rom-coms too.
This movie, like most Indian movies and sitcoms seemed to emphasize on the pain that love brings, and relief from that pain as the climax. This concept somehow deeply irritates me. Why does one always have to go through pain, and internal and major external conflict, if they were in love in India? I'm guessing it might be the culture...
Love marriages - yes, they are a whole different category, are a surprising minority in Indian marriages. growing in number, yes. But by breaking through shackles, one by one.
If we were to compare this to politics, then only the 6 major cities have gotten freedom - but the power to govern has still not been given.
Marriages here are determined predominantly by caste, religion, superstitions (and oh, there are truck loads of them - speaking against which would apparently offend God in all sorts of ways), the families' societal status, educational background, gold ... and somewhere towards the very end of the list of gazillion prerequisites for a marriage, in real fine print "liking each other" shows up.
Indian women got their freedom before the American women - did you know? But I think they forgot to send out the flyer, because most people don't seem to know. But that's a whole different story. The point of it that concerns us here is - they're controlled by the family. Or by it (Read "it" - family, community, neighbours, religious division....)'s beliefs.
Finding their life partner themselves isn't an option for most, and for the rest (save 1%) it is a washed out second option, which completely fades out around the time a girl approaches 26, and the guy approaches 30 -32. After which, they're either forced into some loveless knot or for the strong ones who endure it - they face a life time (or till wedding) of random jobless people asking them when and why not, and accusing you of being too picky, or heavy headed or some other negative adjective.
The cinema aspect of this - which is probably also the realistic aspect - of secretly meeting, breaking up because the kundli didn't match, breaking up because they had different faiths - and families would never gel, breaking up because parents found out and get them married to someone else .. wait, all the breaking up happens in real life, but in cinemas, to keep the ratings high - we give them a happy ending at the very end.
The spend all that time fighting obstacles, when do they ever get to know each other?! But wait, India is the land of arranged marriages, where many meet on the day of the wedding (I am not stretching it, trust me) - so they can adjust and make anything work. But what about love?
Love without pain, love that purely makes you happy?
Is it non existent only in Indian Cinema?
Does it exist in real life? I'm not sure about in India... not as far as I have seen it.
Am I being an unrealistic romantic? critic?
Just inexperienced? ;)
Sunday, July 15, 2012
I had a dream last night. One of those vivid dreams that you can remember even intricate details such as scents from.
In my dream,
I was engaged to be married in a couple of days. When the dream started, I didn't know who it was. I hadn't met the man. It was completely an arranged by family affair.
So it started with me finding out, and setting out to see him for the first time. We met at some sort of a huge ground, it was night time, but there was some event going on there. Our conversation was like how two strangers would talk, when they suddenly find out that they are to be wed to each other in a couple of days. We politely tried to get to know each other.
It felt like a long walk, from the ...car park (?) to the area where people were seated. When we were almost there, he said he had a gift for me. At that point, I knew I was wearing my pink watch, and he pulled out that exact same watch from his backpack. He noticed that I already had the same one, and was quite disappointed. [As dream logic tends to get a bit hazy at times, I'm not exactly sure what happened immediately] There was a similar indigo watch, but he couldn't keep the pink. [I'm not sure if we parted amicably or not]
The next day was the day of the wedding. I was getting ready. When I was half way made up, I decided to give him a call. I think there was about ten minutes to go for the wedding. He picked up, and our conversation went something like: (me starting off with)
"hello"
"hello"
"Um..so...."
"You felt it too right? The not feeling it part ..."
"Uh huh. So this is it then?"
"I knew you'd understand"
"Yeah... okay bye"
"Bye"
I knew then that the wedding had to be called off, and informed my dad. My dad helped me..us(?) out by informing the guests. The guests were seated in a circular altar of sorts. When I was reasonably sure that most of them had left, I went to look. I saw everyone leave, the place where I was supposed to be married at, and I didn't feel even the slightest bit of regret or remorse.
After a certain amount of time had passed, we were talking on the phone again. Then, I asked him why? What was his reason. And among obvious things such as 'we hardly know each other' he also mentioned that he did not have enough patience to handle me, matter of factly.
Towards the end of the dream, I met him somewhere else, at a common friend's place, and I remember feeling .. a comfort level. A connection that was more because we shared an experience at some point than love. And I felt sorry that that was gone.
My dream ended thus, and morning came.
I am watching a drama right now. I had finished 2 out of 16 episodes, and I declared to my friend that I loved beagle (A name we had given a character). To his credit, that guy was intense, and one of the most unique character portrayals I had seen in a while.
At the end of episode 2, he meets with an accident. Since my friend is watching the same drama too, I bugged her to tell me if or not he dies, as I wasn't able to get back to the drama till late evening. She finally gave in and told me that he did. He dies. I was devastated. I loved that character, and couldn't understand why someone would create such an awesomely unique character, and kill him off in 2 episodes! I was sad to the extent that I was sure I would not like the drama hence forth, and even toyed with the idea of discontinuing it.
My friend assured me that it gets better again, even without him. I took her word for it, and now I'm well into the drama, and busy rooting for another guy to get Beagle's muse! How fickle of me right?!
Do we all move on so quickly, and adjust to life without what isn't so fast? or is my specially developed talent?!
I am slightly worried.
I recently met a guy, who was in love with a girl 5 years ago, and still likes her. He's not waiting for her, or pining after her. He has accepted the fact that she doesn't love him. But he still cares for her, and he hasn't gotten into any relationship in the past 5 years, because of her.
Me? 3 months is the longest I've felt for a person, or felt sad or anything related ..after a break up. Or end of a one side crush.
That said, when it comes to relationship, I react in extremes. When I like someone, I get over committed, if there is such a thing! And scare the guy away. Then happily get over him in no time. And I haven't been able to find the middle ground yet.Which I'll not know for sure, till I try, I know.
The guys who have liked me are the ones I've been cold to. I'm that way with most people, till they find out (because or not because of me) that I like them. I seem to be going with this relationship push and pull like a tug of war game, either pull with all I've got, or let go and walk away.
All that aside, why is it so easy to move on with life without someone who was once integral in helping you live it? And why on earth am I so exceptionally good at it ?!? Is it just me?
In my dream,
I was engaged to be married in a couple of days. When the dream started, I didn't know who it was. I hadn't met the man. It was completely an arranged by family affair.
So it started with me finding out, and setting out to see him for the first time. We met at some sort of a huge ground, it was night time, but there was some event going on there. Our conversation was like how two strangers would talk, when they suddenly find out that they are to be wed to each other in a couple of days. We politely tried to get to know each other.
It felt like a long walk, from the ...car park (?) to the area where people were seated. When we were almost there, he said he had a gift for me. At that point, I knew I was wearing my pink watch, and he pulled out that exact same watch from his backpack. He noticed that I already had the same one, and was quite disappointed. [As dream logic tends to get a bit hazy at times, I'm not exactly sure what happened immediately] There was a similar indigo watch, but he couldn't keep the pink. [I'm not sure if we parted amicably or not]
The next day was the day of the wedding. I was getting ready. When I was half way made up, I decided to give him a call. I think there was about ten minutes to go for the wedding. He picked up, and our conversation went something like: (me starting off with)
"hello"
"hello"
"Um..so...."
"You felt it too right? The not feeling it part ..."
"Uh huh. So this is it then?"
"I knew you'd understand"
"Yeah... okay bye"
"Bye"
I knew then that the wedding had to be called off, and informed my dad. My dad helped me..us(?) out by informing the guests. The guests were seated in a circular altar of sorts. When I was reasonably sure that most of them had left, I went to look. I saw everyone leave, the place where I was supposed to be married at, and I didn't feel even the slightest bit of regret or remorse.
After a certain amount of time had passed, we were talking on the phone again. Then, I asked him why? What was his reason. And among obvious things such as 'we hardly know each other' he also mentioned that he did not have enough patience to handle me, matter of factly.
Towards the end of the dream, I met him somewhere else, at a common friend's place, and I remember feeling .. a comfort level. A connection that was more because we shared an experience at some point than love. And I felt sorry that that was gone.
My dream ended thus, and morning came.
I am watching a drama right now. I had finished 2 out of 16 episodes, and I declared to my friend that I loved beagle (A name we had given a character). To his credit, that guy was intense, and one of the most unique character portrayals I had seen in a while.
At the end of episode 2, he meets with an accident. Since my friend is watching the same drama too, I bugged her to tell me if or not he dies, as I wasn't able to get back to the drama till late evening. She finally gave in and told me that he did. He dies. I was devastated. I loved that character, and couldn't understand why someone would create such an awesomely unique character, and kill him off in 2 episodes! I was sad to the extent that I was sure I would not like the drama hence forth, and even toyed with the idea of discontinuing it.
My friend assured me that it gets better again, even without him. I took her word for it, and now I'm well into the drama, and busy rooting for another guy to get Beagle's muse! How fickle of me right?!
Do we all move on so quickly, and adjust to life without what isn't so fast? or is my specially developed talent?!
I am slightly worried.
I recently met a guy, who was in love with a girl 5 years ago, and still likes her. He's not waiting for her, or pining after her. He has accepted the fact that she doesn't love him. But he still cares for her, and he hasn't gotten into any relationship in the past 5 years, because of her.
Me? 3 months is the longest I've felt for a person, or felt sad or anything related ..after a break up. Or end of a one side crush.
That said, when it comes to relationship, I react in extremes. When I like someone, I get over committed, if there is such a thing! And scare the guy away. Then happily get over him in no time. And I haven't been able to find the middle ground yet.Which I'll not know for sure, till I try, I know.
The guys who have liked me are the ones I've been cold to. I'm that way with most people, till they find out (because or not because of me) that I like them. I seem to be going with this relationship push and pull like a tug of war game, either pull with all I've got, or let go and walk away.
All that aside, why is it so easy to move on with life without someone who was once integral in helping you live it? And why on earth am I so exceptionally good at it ?!? Is it just me?
Monday, April 30, 2012
Has some tiny random wish come true for you?
Well, of course it has.
And isn't it so much sweeter when they come in groups! In threes, to be more specific. Wishes come true in groups of three, so that's a given :)
That's what happened to me last week, cookies, noodles and a reason to go to a place :)
Thursday:
Sometime last week, I found myself wondering how nice it would be to have chocolate chip cookies dipped in cold milk. Wishing more like. For some odd reason, I had forgotten to get them with the monthly provisions, and was too lazy to go out for just a pack of cookies. And my on going diet to the list of reasons, and we're left with one sad little girl with no cookies! Not for long though :)
I drag along to office the next day, work work work, yap yap yap, work yap work yap...the usual, and guess what! A friend calls and says I've got these cookies from Auroville for you, don't forget to pick them up before you leave! Golly Tumolly I tell you ! And these cookies were not just normal chocolate chip cookies, they were chocolate filled cookies! We all know filled is soooo much better that just chocolate chip. And there was not just one or two, but 4 packs.Yummaliciousness!!! These were so good, they are probably right up there, next to Subway's Double Chocolate.
Chocolate filled cookies, dipped in cold milk - Check!
Friday:
Three of us had gone out for lunch last Friday, to a food court. For lack of better restaurant in the walkable vicinity. I'm normally not a big fan of food courts, but this time, it wasn't so bad. We had a whole variety of food. Homey, Oriental, Fruity. As we were looking through the noodles menu, I was hoping for Singapore noodles, as they would be a good addition to our palate, but they no have it :(
We had pan fried instead. A little bit of regret, but all the fun and chatter, and it was long forgotten!
That night, we had gone out for dinner (Which has a whole story in itself) - a dinner buffet to be more specific. And guess what was one of the two types of noodles available ? Yup, Singapore noodles :)
And in it went, despite me knowing that I would be trying eight out of the ten dessert varieties. (I'm not a roly poly by the way. Not yet anyway)
Saturday:
Do you know those places we used to hang around at a lot as university students, and as we grow older, stop frequenting them. CCD is one such place for me. Just last Wednesday, I found myself hoping for a reason to go there with someone. Just go hang out, those oh-so-familiar leather couches. Menu that is probably been the same in ages! On thursday, I got a text saying that we were gonna have a blogger meet, and guess the venue! Yup, CCD. The happiness :)
So on Saturday I went there. The familiar mall - only mall with free parking in the city. (That matters. Especially did back when I was a student ;) ) I parked, went toward the double door and that's when it hit me. A whole bunch of memories. Complicated-confused-not-so-happy memories of happy times. I couldn't shake off the feeling, no matter how hard I tried. Ghosts of the memories past lived in that place. And I should not have gone alone. By force of habit, I walked into some of the shops I used to shop/ window show - for colours at. I stepped into CCD, and left. Didn't find the group I was supposed to meet.
Do you know the term "Be Careful What You Wish For" ?
I think God demonstrated it to me last week. Owing to recent events, I guess He knew how much I could and couldn't handle. I say God, because we've been having a push and pull relationship recently. I can sense it from His end too. Interesting.
But no matter what, its a nice feeling to get what we wish for!
And I am going to continue wishing for ... all kindsa things. I may get them sometimes, I may not at others. And I may get it, and then regret for most. Or many. Nonetheless, regret what you did, than what you didn't, right!
Off to open the third pack of cookies :)
Hope your wishes come true too :)
Ta !
Well, of course it has.
And isn't it so much sweeter when they come in groups! In threes, to be more specific. Wishes come true in groups of three, so that's a given :)
That's what happened to me last week, cookies, noodles and a reason to go to a place :)
Thursday:
Sometime last week, I found myself wondering how nice it would be to have chocolate chip cookies dipped in cold milk. Wishing more like. For some odd reason, I had forgotten to get them with the monthly provisions, and was too lazy to go out for just a pack of cookies. And my on going diet to the list of reasons, and we're left with one sad little girl with no cookies! Not for long though :)
I drag along to office the next day, work work work, yap yap yap, work yap work yap...the usual, and guess what! A friend calls and says I've got these cookies from Auroville for you, don't forget to pick them up before you leave! Golly Tumolly I tell you ! And these cookies were not just normal chocolate chip cookies, they were chocolate filled cookies! We all know filled is soooo much better that just chocolate chip. And there was not just one or two, but 4 packs.Yummaliciousness!!! These were so good, they are probably right up there, next to Subway's Double Chocolate.
Chocolate filled cookies, dipped in cold milk - Check!
Friday:
Three of us had gone out for lunch last Friday, to a food court. For lack of better restaurant in the walkable vicinity. I'm normally not a big fan of food courts, but this time, it wasn't so bad. We had a whole variety of food. Homey, Oriental, Fruity. As we were looking through the noodles menu, I was hoping for Singapore noodles, as they would be a good addition to our palate, but they no have it :(
We had pan fried instead. A little bit of regret, but all the fun and chatter, and it was long forgotten!
That night, we had gone out for dinner (Which has a whole story in itself) - a dinner buffet to be more specific. And guess what was one of the two types of noodles available ? Yup, Singapore noodles :)
And in it went, despite me knowing that I would be trying eight out of the ten dessert varieties. (I'm not a roly poly by the way. Not yet anyway)
Saturday:
Do you know those places we used to hang around at a lot as university students, and as we grow older, stop frequenting them. CCD is one such place for me. Just last Wednesday, I found myself hoping for a reason to go there with someone. Just go hang out, those oh-so-familiar leather couches. Menu that is probably been the same in ages! On thursday, I got a text saying that we were gonna have a blogger meet, and guess the venue! Yup, CCD. The happiness :)
So on Saturday I went there. The familiar mall - only mall with free parking in the city. (That matters. Especially did back when I was a student ;) ) I parked, went toward the double door and that's when it hit me. A whole bunch of memories. Complicated-confused-not-so-happy memories of happy times. I couldn't shake off the feeling, no matter how hard I tried. Ghosts of the memories past lived in that place. And I should not have gone alone. By force of habit, I walked into some of the shops I used to shop/ window show - for colours at. I stepped into CCD, and left. Didn't find the group I was supposed to meet.
Do you know the term "Be Careful What You Wish For" ?
I think God demonstrated it to me last week. Owing to recent events, I guess He knew how much I could and couldn't handle. I say God, because we've been having a push and pull relationship recently. I can sense it from His end too. Interesting.
But no matter what, its a nice feeling to get what we wish for!
And I am going to continue wishing for ... all kindsa things. I may get them sometimes, I may not at others. And I may get it, and then regret for most. Or many. Nonetheless, regret what you did, than what you didn't, right!
Off to open the third pack of cookies :)
Hope your wishes come true too :)
Ta !
Saturday, April 21, 2012
I don't like change.
No, its not change, I don't like. It's uncertainty.
So I came here to rant about all the things that are over whelming me, and guess what blogger decided to do?!
Get a new look!
Change, I tell ya, is plaguing me.
Some notice? An option of using the old look till I decide to get used to the idea that a new one is lurking around? Nope. Just open blogger one fine day, a day when one wants to rant about change, and WHAM - they change! Seriously people! A little sensitivity her ?! I've been using that old look since I began blogging...
Sigh.
I sigh, and the writing area decides to expand to fill the page with no scroll down option!!! AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH !!!! Wae wae wae WAE ?!?! I prefer knowing how much space is left to the end.
My life is fine... nothing majorly bad.
But its those tiny kutty kutty things, that you know you can deal with individually. And there is no need for defense mechanisms like denial or keeping myself super busy.
3 medium sized things, all in one week. Plus this blogspot look changing (ok, that's too tiny to matter, I know, but still..)
1. Like you already know, the wedding thing. I made up my mind, told my dad that I need time. Dad tells grandma. She freaks. Now she talks about it all the time. ALL the time. I'm not kidding! She's spoken about it so much in the past week, I'm going to get serious allergic. Or worse, when she's not talking about it, she takes someone's wedding card (And damn, why do so many people we know have to get married ?!? even if they do, can't they just send e-cards or something? Then I can delete it, tell myself its because of space issues, and not feel too evil/ guilty about it) So my grandma takes some wedding card, sits, stares at it, and sighs as loud as ever, followed by smaller sign, then "In my lifetime ....." Another sigh. Sheesh right?
2. Job hunt thing, which I've had to put on hold temporarily because of my exam on Monday.
[psst...I'm like one inch from the bottom of my lappy, and this thing's scroller won't show! Blogspot,seriously! I bite!
Aaahh, there it is! I guess threats work with techno stuff too ! Bwahahaha]
Anyway, so yes, this being April - Appraisal month, no one's really hiring. Even though I know I don't wanna work till probably the last week of May or June beginning ... well you know, this is one big uncertainty!
3. Finally, The impending exam, and more stressing is the 200 page record that I have to hand write by tomorrow. And I've finished only 50.
Finally, the tiny things
So.. after putting it like this, I'm realizing it's probably just stress and not a depressive spell around the corner (Okay, yeah, Maybe too much of psychology) that made me want to drive off to some un-inhabited location and scream.
So I guess its not change... or uncertainty ...its just stress.
Hmmm..... and come Monday, exam done, I guess I'll be fine.
I better be, huh !
Danke, kiregu adios !
No, its not change, I don't like. It's uncertainty.
So I came here to rant about all the things that are over whelming me, and guess what blogger decided to do?!
Get a new look!
Change, I tell ya, is plaguing me.
Some notice? An option of using the old look till I decide to get used to the idea that a new one is lurking around? Nope. Just open blogger one fine day, a day when one wants to rant about change, and WHAM - they change! Seriously people! A little sensitivity her ?! I've been using that old look since I began blogging...
Sigh.
I sigh, and the writing area decides to expand to fill the page with no scroll down option!!! AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH !!!! Wae wae wae WAE ?!?! I prefer knowing how much space is left to the end.
My life is fine... nothing majorly bad.
But its those tiny kutty kutty things, that you know you can deal with individually. And there is no need for defense mechanisms like denial or keeping myself super busy.
3 medium sized things, all in one week. Plus this blogspot look changing (ok, that's too tiny to matter, I know, but still..)
1. Like you already know, the wedding thing. I made up my mind, told my dad that I need time. Dad tells grandma. She freaks. Now she talks about it all the time. ALL the time. I'm not kidding! She's spoken about it so much in the past week, I'm going to get serious allergic. Or worse, when she's not talking about it, she takes someone's wedding card (And damn, why do so many people we know have to get married ?!? even if they do, can't they just send e-cards or something? Then I can delete it, tell myself its because of space issues, and not feel too evil/ guilty about it) So my grandma takes some wedding card, sits, stares at it, and sighs as loud as ever, followed by smaller sign, then "In my lifetime ....." Another sigh. Sheesh right?
2. Job hunt thing, which I've had to put on hold temporarily because of my exam on Monday.
[psst...I'm like one inch from the bottom of my lappy, and this thing's scroller won't show! Blogspot,seriously! I bite!
Aaahh, there it is! I guess threats work with techno stuff too ! Bwahahaha]
Anyway, so yes, this being April - Appraisal month, no one's really hiring. Even though I know I don't wanna work till probably the last week of May or June beginning ... well you know, this is one big uncertainty!
3. Finally, The impending exam, and more stressing is the 200 page record that I have to hand write by tomorrow. And I've finished only 50.
Finally, the tiny things
- My sister lost a ear ring, I had like forever, and gave absolutely ridiculous answers to how, what , when or what next. (I might have really blown up yesterday at that)
- My grandma suggested she re-arrange a bag of mine now, (getting ready for the trip 2 weeks from now! TWO weeks!) and
- Blogspot ...ok ok...we've covered that bit. (You can't get mad at me for that blogspot, you did spring it on me!)
So.. after putting it like this, I'm realizing it's probably just stress and not a depressive spell around the corner (Okay, yeah, Maybe too much of psychology) that made me want to drive off to some un-inhabited location and scream.
So I guess its not change... or uncertainty ...its just stress.
Hmmm..... and come Monday, exam done, I guess I'll be fine.
I better be, huh !
Danke, kiregu adios !
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Scenario 1: Arranged marriage
Scenario 2: Prospect of moving from a city to a wanna be city
Scenario 3: Korean Lunch
Scenario 4: Dad's friends visit: 4 people settled in Netherlands - 2 German, 2 Dutch. One of the Germans, stays at Netherlands, works at Germany.
Let me take you through this step by step.
I stay home with my parents and grandma. My dad and grandma have been, for more than a year now, giving Mrs. Bennet a run for her money - where trying to marry their daughter off is concerned. I've never seen a person more talented than my grandmother who can slip marriage into absolutely any conversation ever.
My success in evading both of them has been having its ups and downs, and today it had a very deep low. They found not one, but TWO eligible guys in the newspaper. Just my luck. And one of them - the more eligible one, is settled in a town about 700 kms from where I stay. Apparently they are really well off, and the guy is educated abroad. But this said, he's settled there, in a town, with family. (At the risk of my blog being read by "Prospects"-) I cannot do that!!! I may not hang out as much as many my age, but I like the city. I love the city!! I like that I can get back home alone at 11 PM, or that I can just go hang at a mall by myself, wearing shorts and a tee shirt, my glasses and my hair left to do as it pleases - without having to worry about what the "society" or "others" will think about me. I give a damn about what others think of me, and if I were ever to move to such a place, (No offence - though I am not naming the place - it's a great place, lovely climate - but as a vacation! Not a place for me to live in!) I would always be asked "What will others thinks of us if you act this way!".
I would die. Shrivel up and die.
So, right now, I know that is not happening, but today morning, when it was just brought up, and with grandma going "Don't say no before you give it a thought", and dad going "They're such a nice family, I've spoken to them" I was officially completely losing hope.
Once upon a time, 2 years back, I used to freak, now I just sink inside.
Is asking for 4 years time, during when I just find someone myself, that un-reasonable a thing to ask?!?! Seriously ?!
So, with all of that running in my head, I headed off to my korean lunch. It took me a while to get into I-dont-care-about-marriages-or-weddings-lets-talk-tall-hot-korean-guys mode. The fact that my friend was riding with me, and that we hiilariously got lost in circles helped :)
By the time we reached, I was all ready for my first Korean Lunch ever! Unlike Chinese or Italian, Korean cuisine isn't that famous. So I was excited about eating all that I've seen. (Please check post Chalmukesumneda for a more detailed account)
Short version: There was soooooo much of food, and it was all different, good different :)
Come evening, with a power cut that slightly extended and mindless drama watching. By then I had remembered the whole morning episode, and made up my mind that it could never happen - and was stocking up on defences, for when my dad dinally wakes for that conversation.
Like most conversations which you're over prepared for, this one sizzled out in 5 minutes. I guess he is pretty clear about my stance now, but looked like he was still mulling over it. That and the unused defences had kind of drained me of my energy for the day.
Couple of chicken legs.
Headed to bed, plopped on it, and continued my mindless drama watching, though my eyes were dying for a nap.
Before one of the 45 minute episode was up, I head some people talking in the living room - with definite strong accents.
My dad is one of THE MOST SOCIAL people I know, and has friends from all over the world. Literally. Having studied and worked in 3 different countries just added to his mixed pot of friends.
I hadn't met today's guests before. They were friends of friends.
Normally, the culture lover that I am, I run over for a fun conversation to ask about various things. But today was not one of those days.
Nevertheless, courtesy demanded that I be there, and boy am I glad I went.
So as mentioned earlier, there were 4 of them. An older Dutch couple, and a younger German couple, all settled in the the Netherlands. The older couple and the guy of the younger couple were all into biological research. The German girl - who lived in Netherlands (Some place pronounced Neigh-megan - but I'm not sure if thats the right spelling) travelled to Germany everyday for work as a trainer. She's a psychologist by education, so yes, I was very interested to know what scope there was in that field. But more so about how she dealt with the Dutch-German culture divide by literally crossing over everyday! Didn't ask though, as they stayed for a short time, and they were talking about biology.
I learnt how Potato diseases had changed the History of Ireland and the English crown's power in 1844. Apparently, Ireland was an English colony. Thought Potatoes and wheat was grown there, the Irish were entitled to only the potatoes - which was their staple food. In 1844, a mexican potato disease caused all the potatoes of that year to spoil, leaving the Irish with nothing to eat. It was then that they realized how surpressed they really were, not being allowed to eat the wheat that they grew. There was a huge political unrest, and lots of migration happened. The Kennedys' of the USA were by-products of part of that migration to USA. Cool huh?
The guests were given a choice of wine or black tea, but I dunno if they mis understood, they picked both. Not that offering both is an issue, but wine & black tea is such a weird combination don't you think ? Ah well, foreigners!
A lot happened today, and here I am writing about it.
But you know what the biggest culture shock of today was?
It was my 17 year old sister, who:
1. Came out to greet the guests - (which she normally only does by showing her face, putting on a fake smile, and running to her room before most people registered her tiny presence)
2. Put out her hands first, to shake everyone's hands, and the biggest whopper of them all
3. Asked the guy (German younger guy) who was double her age, and definitely at least double her size, very politely,
"How do you pronounce that? Your name... could you spell it for me please?"
And then went on to sit and have a detailed conversation about biological research with the older gentleman, during the rest of their visit.
My jaw is still lying somewhere down. I'm gonna go pick it up, not think too much about anything, and go to sleep.
Scenario 2: Prospect of moving from a city to a wanna be city
Scenario 3: Korean Lunch
Scenario 4: Dad's friends visit: 4 people settled in Netherlands - 2 German, 2 Dutch. One of the Germans, stays at Netherlands, works at Germany.
Let me take you through this step by step.
I stay home with my parents and grandma. My dad and grandma have been, for more than a year now, giving Mrs. Bennet a run for her money - where trying to marry their daughter off is concerned. I've never seen a person more talented than my grandmother who can slip marriage into absolutely any conversation ever.
My success in evading both of them has been having its ups and downs, and today it had a very deep low. They found not one, but TWO eligible guys in the newspaper. Just my luck. And one of them - the more eligible one, is settled in a town about 700 kms from where I stay. Apparently they are really well off, and the guy is educated abroad. But this said, he's settled there, in a town, with family. (At the risk of my blog being read by "Prospects"-) I cannot do that!!! I may not hang out as much as many my age, but I like the city. I love the city!! I like that I can get back home alone at 11 PM, or that I can just go hang at a mall by myself, wearing shorts and a tee shirt, my glasses and my hair left to do as it pleases - without having to worry about what the "society" or "others" will think about me. I give a damn about what others think of me, and if I were ever to move to such a place, (No offence - though I am not naming the place - it's a great place, lovely climate - but as a vacation! Not a place for me to live in!) I would always be asked "What will others thinks of us if you act this way!".
I would die. Shrivel up and die.
So, right now, I know that is not happening, but today morning, when it was just brought up, and with grandma going "Don't say no before you give it a thought", and dad going "They're such a nice family, I've spoken to them" I was officially completely losing hope.
Once upon a time, 2 years back, I used to freak, now I just sink inside.
Is asking for 4 years time, during when I just find someone myself, that un-reasonable a thing to ask?!?! Seriously ?!
So, with all of that running in my head, I headed off to my korean lunch. It took me a while to get into I-dont-care-about-marriages-or-weddings-lets-talk-tall-hot-korean-guys mode. The fact that my friend was riding with me, and that we hiilariously got lost in circles helped :)
By the time we reached, I was all ready for my first Korean Lunch ever! Unlike Chinese or Italian, Korean cuisine isn't that famous. So I was excited about eating all that I've seen. (Please check post Chalmukesumneda for a more detailed account)
Short version: There was soooooo much of food, and it was all different, good different :)
Come evening, with a power cut that slightly extended and mindless drama watching. By then I had remembered the whole morning episode, and made up my mind that it could never happen - and was stocking up on defences, for when my dad dinally wakes for that conversation.
Like most conversations which you're over prepared for, this one sizzled out in 5 minutes. I guess he is pretty clear about my stance now, but looked like he was still mulling over it. That and the unused defences had kind of drained me of my energy for the day.
Couple of chicken legs.
Headed to bed, plopped on it, and continued my mindless drama watching, though my eyes were dying for a nap.
Before one of the 45 minute episode was up, I head some people talking in the living room - with definite strong accents.
My dad is one of THE MOST SOCIAL people I know, and has friends from all over the world. Literally. Having studied and worked in 3 different countries just added to his mixed pot of friends.
I hadn't met today's guests before. They were friends of friends.
Normally, the culture lover that I am, I run over for a fun conversation to ask about various things. But today was not one of those days.
Nevertheless, courtesy demanded that I be there, and boy am I glad I went.
So as mentioned earlier, there were 4 of them. An older Dutch couple, and a younger German couple, all settled in the the Netherlands. The older couple and the guy of the younger couple were all into biological research. The German girl - who lived in Netherlands (Some place pronounced Neigh-megan - but I'm not sure if thats the right spelling) travelled to Germany everyday for work as a trainer. She's a psychologist by education, so yes, I was very interested to know what scope there was in that field. But more so about how she dealt with the Dutch-German culture divide by literally crossing over everyday! Didn't ask though, as they stayed for a short time, and they were talking about biology.
I learnt how Potato diseases had changed the History of Ireland and the English crown's power in 1844. Apparently, Ireland was an English colony. Thought Potatoes and wheat was grown there, the Irish were entitled to only the potatoes - which was their staple food. In 1844, a mexican potato disease caused all the potatoes of that year to spoil, leaving the Irish with nothing to eat. It was then that they realized how surpressed they really were, not being allowed to eat the wheat that they grew. There was a huge political unrest, and lots of migration happened. The Kennedys' of the USA were by-products of part of that migration to USA. Cool huh?
The guests were given a choice of wine or black tea, but I dunno if they mis understood, they picked both. Not that offering both is an issue, but wine & black tea is such a weird combination don't you think ? Ah well, foreigners!
A lot happened today, and here I am writing about it.
But you know what the biggest culture shock of today was?
It was my 17 year old sister, who:
1. Came out to greet the guests - (which she normally only does by showing her face, putting on a fake smile, and running to her room before most people registered her tiny presence)
2. Put out her hands first, to shake everyone's hands, and the biggest whopper of them all
3. Asked the guy (German younger guy) who was double her age, and definitely at least double her size, very politely,
"How do you pronounce that? Your name... could you spell it for me please?"
And then went on to sit and have a detailed conversation about biological research with the older gentleman, during the rest of their visit.
My jaw is still lying somewhere down. I'm gonna go pick it up, not think too much about anything, and go to sleep.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Its almost midnight, and the feeling won't stop.
Like in that June night long ago, or was it May, I don't recall.
Tonight, there's no one to call
No reason to quote
I keep looking, folder after folder
Place after place
I roamed around the city, searching face after face
Is it the purpose card again?
Don't know...
It won't stop
Its so heavy
People ask me questions, my voice sounds steady
Strange and amusing to myself
Shortness of breath
Incredible need to be understood
So someone can help me understand
Help me understand why
Why all I have to do is look down
For it to start
What happened?!!
She'd asked
I didn't reply
I don't know
If I sat here, I could go on all night
but I cannot
I have an office to go to
And be someone I don't know
Someone who just does things
And smiles at people
I don't know...
Why don't I know ??!?!?!
What don't I know....
Long ago, a real real long ago, there was a point when I honestly believed that if I were stuck in an island, all alone, and had just books with me, I would be happy and content. Not want a thing more. Where is that me?
I bought books for 3 months straight... more than 4 dozen books lie unread in my shelf. I bought myself everything I wanted. But something is still missing.
Tell me why.
Or, tell me what.
Or at least, make it stop.
Like in that June night long ago, or was it May, I don't recall.
Tonight, there's no one to call
No reason to quote
I keep looking, folder after folder
Place after place
I roamed around the city, searching face after face
Is it the purpose card again?
Don't know...
It won't stop
Its so heavy
People ask me questions, my voice sounds steady
Strange and amusing to myself
Shortness of breath
Incredible need to be understood
So someone can help me understand
Help me understand why
Why all I have to do is look down
For it to start
What happened?!!
She'd asked
I didn't reply
I don't know
If I sat here, I could go on all night
but I cannot
I have an office to go to
And be someone I don't know
Someone who just does things
And smiles at people
I don't know...
Why don't I know ??!?!?!
What don't I know....
Long ago, a real real long ago, there was a point when I honestly believed that if I were stuck in an island, all alone, and had just books with me, I would be happy and content. Not want a thing more. Where is that me?
I bought books for 3 months straight... more than 4 dozen books lie unread in my shelf. I bought myself everything I wanted. But something is still missing.
Tell me why.
Or, tell me what.
Or at least, make it stop.
The flickering lamp post
Sudden flaring temper
Anger for no reason
Or maybe a million tiny reasons
A beautiful song that goes half way up the crescendo and the singer loses breath
Irritation
Helplessness
Watching others
Refraining from punching on the wall
Been too controlled, feels like I forgot how to scream.
Trying to be perfect.
At everything
Almost succeeding
Expecting perfection back in returned
Miserably crushed expectations
Irritated that I expected at all
Which I had held myself from them, for a while longer
Like,
Back in those days when I gave a damn.
Broken glass, open skies, single musical notes, blood, water, mindless focus
Something so poetic and alluring
The same thing that makes me want to turn and run from it
Does everyone go through this?
Anyone?
Just me?
Doesn't matter.
Anger for no reason
Or maybe a million tiny reasons
A beautiful song that goes half way up the crescendo and the singer loses breath
Irritation
Helplessness
Watching others
Refraining from punching on the wall
Been too controlled, feels like I forgot how to scream.
Trying to be perfect.
At everything
Almost succeeding
Expecting perfection back in returned
Miserably crushed expectations
Irritated that I expected at all
Which I had held myself from them, for a while longer
Like,
Back in those days when I gave a damn.
Broken glass, open skies, single musical notes, blood, water, mindless focus
Something so poetic and alluring
The same thing that makes me want to turn and run from it
Does everyone go through this?
Anyone?
Just me?
Doesn't matter.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
One dinner conversation ...
New habits, and the forced end of them visible in the near future.
Jealousy
Upcoming change, and the accompanying uncertainty
E mail conversations that seem to be getting nowhere
Luck
The lack of it
Something I want to be, the same thing I cannot be
Conversations with old friends... so different from before
Change
The lack of it
A old feeling resurfacing
Too familiar for comfort
Easier to recognize
Harder to fight now
I defy it nevertheless
How long will I fight it?
How long will I have to fight it?
I did something stupid
Facing consequences
The mask I had is cracking
But no one can even see than mask
Far far away
Running on and on
Closed eyes
Red fields
Seat hidden in green, high above, among the clouds
I fight that bad feeling
I make myself get out and stay out of it
It's found new ways to find me too
Should I just give in?
No wait,
Giving in is not an option anymore.
For the same reasons the feeling creeps up in the first place
The fear
The symptoms
The cure, which the primary fear kills
Interesting if you look at it objectively, like a math equation
It all adds up just right.
Only, a balanced equation is unfortunately not the same as balanced emotions.
And you won't even rain...
Revenge for May?
Or because I said I won't mess with it anymore?
Mulla... I wish I did
I wish I knew how to make it rain again
It somehow feels like if it did,
Some parts of this confusion will be washed away
I remember the last time I wrote like this...
Do I laugh or sigh?
I brought it on myself
Nan papoya
Geogieganeum ge ani eoss-eo
Anyway, that is the least of my problems right now
Please rain
New habits, and the forced end of them visible in the near future.
Jealousy
Upcoming change, and the accompanying uncertainty
E mail conversations that seem to be getting nowhere
Luck
The lack of it
Something I want to be, the same thing I cannot be
Conversations with old friends... so different from before
Change
The lack of it
A old feeling resurfacing
Too familiar for comfort
Easier to recognize
Harder to fight now
I defy it nevertheless
How long will I fight it?
How long will I have to fight it?
I did something stupid
Facing consequences
The mask I had is cracking
But no one can even see than mask
Far far away
Running on and on
Closed eyes
Red fields
Seat hidden in green, high above, among the clouds
I fight that bad feeling
I make myself get out and stay out of it
It's found new ways to find me too
Should I just give in?
No wait,
Giving in is not an option anymore.
For the same reasons the feeling creeps up in the first place
The fear
The symptoms
The cure, which the primary fear kills
Interesting if you look at it objectively, like a math equation
It all adds up just right.
Only, a balanced equation is unfortunately not the same as balanced emotions.
And you won't even rain...
Revenge for May?
Or because I said I won't mess with it anymore?
Mulla... I wish I did
I wish I knew how to make it rain again
It somehow feels like if it did,
Some parts of this confusion will be washed away
I remember the last time I wrote like this...
Do I laugh or sigh?
I brought it on myself
Nan papoya
Geogieganeum ge ani eoss-eo
Anyway, that is the least of my problems right now
Please rain
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