It's coming to thrash me in all sorts of ways!
Be it a four hour chat with my sister I wasn't mentally prepared for, or an old friend letting me know that he's returning, or someone I had completely written off endorsing me (no less) on a social network site or someone from the last year giving me an update about this year.
This last week, the only confrontation I was ready for was meeting my nemesis at a wedding - the only thing that didn't happen last week.
I guess it is true when they say: When it rains, it pours.
I don't like change that I am not ready for, even as simple as moving the furniture. So when it is as big as confronting someone's past, or accepting someone coming back in the future, or even accepting that some people I had written off are trying to wheedle their way back (God knows why), I need time to get used to it. Time to get ready for it.
Since I wasn't, I messed up BIG time in that chat. When you spend a life time thinking something was your fault, and living a confused and ill adjusted life, admiring and envying another for how well they dealt with the same thing I couldn't, just to be told out of the blue that they had a much tougher time than I did, shock is expected by default. Shock, denial, and trying to focus on the future and everything as I knew it, instead of what it actually turned out to be. Saying things I shouldn't have, or probably in the wrongest way possible was just the beginning.
I need to remember that the next time I feel that I need time to mentally prepare myself for a conversation, I should leave the room immediately and not stick around to realize too late that the conversation has already begun.
Do I regret it? That I listened - not at all.,That I used my mouth then - COMPLETELY. Sew me up somebody!
And then something that I was maybe slightly prepared for. Or not... I was prepared for the return of my ex-best friend, not for an email communicating the same. One that I replied to after messing up that a-fore mentioned conversation. One that has been pinging back and forth as one liners, which brings with it essays, no volumes of past memories, which are being brutally shut down.
Then someone, I notice has been in my territory. Someone who was banished from my past completely has been in a mall which is officially my territory. I mention that to my friend, and we rant about how awful it is when someone we don't like invade into "our" places. And what do I find later, an endorsement! How would he even know what I'm good at? Here, hopefully I'm a little cleverer and shall not reply. And more importantly - I hope that wasn't his feeble excuse to get back into my life. No thank you.
Luckily for me, last week also had balancers like my close friend coming back home for a short holiday - so got to spend some quality time there. Good progress on my book by channeling all those emotions, a fun filled gamey blogger meet, where I got to go to a beautiful palacey place, meet some amazing people, eat yummm food, play tons of games like I've been wanting to and win stuff :D and finished off by a long chat about a lot of different things with a friend to wind down the craziness of the week with some super sinfully delicious cold dark chocolate drink.
All of the above have ensured that I don't go completely crazy, which I felt I just might.
But I did cut off my hair, myself, late last night. It might sound crazy to read, but it ain't that bad. My hair has always been my venting and experimenting point, so it's super short now. But I like it, turned out not bad. Only regret was that I had added highlights to my hair just the week before, and a lot of it has been cut off. I hope I don't get to this state for a while again, or I might have to go bald next!
I am seriously considering being in silence for a few days... I've definitely reduced the amount I talk. It's almost like the place where my words meet my voice has frozen over, and only the very very important words get through it alive. Which right now is a damn good point.
The book is getting to be longer than I expected. It should hopefully be done very soon. It's current state is like a half baked marble cake. Lets see how it ends.
Have an amazing Halloween!
Best wishes from me and the skeletons!
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