As the rain clouds gather

Hope

Such a four letter word.

There is a phrase that goes; "Damned if you do. Damned if you don't"
I can't think of anything better to describe the act of hoping.
Around a few weeks before my birthday of this year, I did something. The result of which I knew I would find out around the first week of June this year.
During that 1.5 month period, I had to do 2 things.
1. Have 0 hope, because if it doesn't work out, I should be ready for it
2. Not be completely hopeless and give the universe wrong signals

Crazy right?
But I pulled through, mainly because I had a clear dead line. The only thing that I had to keep reminding myself was to be patient. I also stopped writing my diary during that period...because I didn't want the opposite of point one or two to reflect in what I wrote.

Ah well, I chugged along and finally got to D Day.
It came.
There was a brief moment when my heart beat really fast. But after the initial rush, it was totally normal. I got through the day sane. Not thinking about the end of it, when I'll know the big result. It went almost perfectly. A little too perfectly.
And then it was time for that... the results were announced.
It didn't work out. I lost.
A big part of me couldn't comprehend how it could have slipped right through my fingers, when everything seemed so perfect...but that part also knew that things like these happen, and that's why I had kept telling myself not hope. But I guess I had hoped after all.

I even had theme songs picked out. For winning and losing.
Though it didn't feel as intensely sad as it did in the song, I was sad, angry and hurt.
But I accepted it.

I could continue my life with all it's normalcy, wondering if I could ever hope again that is....
And then the next morning it rained.

Hoping is like the rain clouds gathering.
It becomes very dark....and you can never be too sure if it'll rain or just blow over.
But when it does, it's beautiful.
That's when I realized that I could never stop hoping.
It might even be humanly impossible.
It is necessary for the rain clouds to gather if you want rain. Though, many times it may not rain near where you are. We will see our fair share of rain. Which will be followed by brand new beginnings.

So now, I wait as the rain clouds gather, to wonder if it will rain where I am next :)