Caught in the middle

Hello

How are you?

Happy New Year!

Although almost a month of it has already passed by.

It’s also almost a month since my wedding.

I say my wedding, and not since I got married because I’m back at my parents place. No, my husband and I are very much together and very much in love. However, he’s gone back to the states to finish his studies and I’m back to living the life I got used to since August 2017.

It’s kind of strange. I want to break into a modified version of that Britney Spears song – I’m not single, Not yet married; All I have is time, this vacuum that is mine; While I’m in between.

Most of my life, I had friends not as groups, but as individuals. I’m not very good with groups. I still haven’t figured them out very well. However, all those friends either live in different cities or have children. Now luckily, I have a group of friends. A group I’m still figuring out the dynamics of and finding where I fit in. I’ve had this group for almost three years now. We’ve vacationed, partied, lunched and enjoyed a ton. Why this sudden feeling of disconnect now?

Because he just left. A week ago.

When he was here, I never needed to wonder if I will be accepted or if I will be judged. I don’t have to wonder why my opinion cannot count even for a kebab platter. With him here, I belonged. I fit right in.

Last week, after he left, when people asked me how I was, I said I was doing great. We knew how the long distance thing worked, that I was used to this.

What I hadn’t realized is that it hadn’t sunk in.

I had spent a year wedding planning, now I have no wedding left to plan. I have a void. Last year, I didn’t write, I didn’t read. I didn’t do the things I most commonly did. Now, I don’t know what to do. I feel lost, so I’m falling in the vortex of Netflix, even as I desperately scramble to not get sucked into nothing.

I need a project. I need to remember that this break is short. I need to remember that I need this short break to sort life out, clean the things I need and separate it from 20 years of childhood nostalgia. I need to remember self-sufficiency once again.

I need to focus on moving forward and not stay caught in the middle.

Lord help me.