You know... everytime I think "from now on, nothing can matter anymore", and I feel its true . But in months I'm back with some small thing that triggers me off so bad I wish I never had the power to feel. How can a doll someone collected be important when that someone themself isn't here anymore. Apparently, it does matter. Maybe because the little things, inconsequential at one point, are what's left now. The only things u can hang on to ... I can hang on to. Those dolls are ...were almost as old as I am. They were dancing dolls - 2 girls . She danced.

She really liked those dolls...

The ultimate end ...

What really is life or death ?

One day .... long ago , I made a list of the top five ways which I would prefer dying in. Now that list and a whole lot of other things make no sense . I might be living this life, but I definitely don't have much control in it. And without a doubt, I do not control the way I die. No one does. Even those who suicide.

What is death ? Is it painful ? How does if feel inside ? Is it scary ? Does one abruptly stop living, or is the transition slower ... like falling in water ? Where does one go after they are dead ? Is it a nice place ?

I want to write so much more ... anything at all . Anything that will take my mind of this . I used to be able to write what I felt . I haven't written anything for than 7 months now. I haven't felt anything for more than 7 months ... externally - I've been happy, sad, angry, irritated, and the other , so called normal feelings. Internally - I must've died sometime. I can't feel anything anymore. Not like I used to. Not the way one feels when it matters. When anything matters. This kind of death is ..... unnoticed ... like u suddenly notice that you're no more in your body.

When someone dies ... who is it about ? Is it about the person who dies ? Or the prople left behind ?

I know the concept of having a blog is to anounce yourself to the world. But I hope no one reads mine. Why am I still writing you ask ? I just wanted to talk to someone, this way, I can pretend someone's reading while hoping that no one does.

And also hoping ... may be just a bit, maybe a lot more than that ... that I'm not alive.

Spielberg within ?

ok .. I was writing my record (in my dream, like I don't get enough of that in real life!!!G came around in a motorbike and gave me this chewing gum and said it'll help me ( before I slept, G really wanted to help me write record ) and drove away.
So I went upstairs, there were 2 ppl there who I knew lived with me ( dream knowledge)
2 girls. Another guy and girl had come to visit , Dunno who, just 2 ppl.
While up there I realized that there was a book which had come free with the chewing gum, so I left it on the bed upstairs and came back down to continue writing.
(Dream knowledge) They 4 were reading it, and it said something about u will realize something u had to if u eat the gum first then some brain.
The guy and girl come down and ask me for that gum, since I don't like gum too much
I gave it too them fully without a second thought.
I was too busy writing
They took the gum and left
then for a long time it was rather quiet
I went up to go see what was happening ...
There was blood all over the bed
and both of them were eating one brain each
( from the other 2 girls)
(I was in this semi existing state so they didn't know I was there)
Then they read again and realised it
they looked at each other and told 'em that it can't be
all that happens only in fiction
immortality can't be real
then full "realization " strikes them,
That they're 300 and odd years old
every 100 years or so
theie life time is elongated
By eating brain
Once they eat the gum and brain
The ppl whose brains they eat regrow brains
and they have part of these ppl's immortal brains in them
and from then on even they can have immortality if they followed the pattern
Then they flew out the window
or jumped out
thassit
What d'ya think ??

On my way !

Hey again !

I sound much brighter don't I ???? Hehe , ok , You probably think I'm approaching lunacy . Don't worry ! Guess what , I found my path too ! Now I'm just going to go right on and join the others, rushing a bit to catch up though ( that's why the adrenalin rush ! ) . The solution was right there all along . The phrase " sit back and realax" got a whole new meaning . maybe everything ain't alright , right now. But its definitely a whole lot more clearer !

Someone once told me that you're born twice, first is the day you enter the world , and second when you enter life after finding your purpose in it .

Later , a friend and I, we were trying to guess what the real purpose would be like . We didn't know ... but we were both sure that it would feel really good inside when we realize it.

I feel really good now too. I don't think I found my purpose yet. Ummm..... nope, not yet . But I think I'm on the right track definitely . Thats a big deal :P

Human beings are complicated creatures, they must be if they spend day in and day out complicating their lives more and more !

I hope that I don't get too complicated. Why such unrelated hopes you ask ? Well , it is related . I'm about to take one of the biggest step into my life, step properly into my adulthood. So this is the perfect time to hope that, right ?!

On that note, with loadsa other bright new hopes I finish for today :)

have fun y'all !!!

closed in

Have you ever felt like there's no way to from here .... like everyone has found their way, but u're just watching their back. I feel like that now. Something I thought would be a definite failure turned out ok. I wasn't ready for that . My SOP is getting nowhere. I feel like I'm in a transparent box alone on a wide wide open space. I can see everything out there ... get nowhere. Nothing makes much sense.
I think somewhere deep down, maybe not so deep down I feel that if I take a step forward, I'm walking away from a part of my past. A very important part. And I don't want to let go. Not yet ...not now...not ever.
My rational mind is telling me I have to move forward. So is everyone else. So loud I can't hear my own thoughts anymore. I want to go somewhere I can be alone. Just me. Or maybe not.
I don't know what I want anymore. What I wanted doesn't look like its of much use now.
I know what to do now ... but I don't want to do it. Or maybe I do .

You Vs. Them

I was just wondering ... have you ever sacrificed your happiness for the sake of someone else's ? And did that feel good ? Most of the time I'm sure the answer would be a 'Yes' , and thats definitely good, keeping us human an' all .
What I'm talking about is , if you have to give up something really really huge, just so others are happy and you're just too exhausted to fight, is that worth it ? I am not writing this with a preformed notion that it isn't. I just want to find out. What makes people do things like that ? Me included. Do we succumb so easily to emotional blackmail ? Or is it more than just that ... why would we rather just take the easy way out. Even if it isn't the easy way out ... it must involve a lot of sacrifice and ... lets face it , tears from one's part to do it, but why do we do it anyways ?

Stairs

Don't you think stairs are really cool things ?!

You can go up, go down ....ok ok :P . But they really are great places to hang out at. Alone or with company.

They're a great place to think . You can think sad thoughts, happy thoughts, silly thoughts....anything. Unlike certain things like... a park bench which you might associate with somebody or something, stairs are for everybody everywhere! You can dream, hide and cry or plan a party or somebody's destruction (:P).

They're also a very comfy location to sit and read... a mug of juice on the stair above... a bowl of crunchies on the stair below ...bliss.

I always felt sitting on a stairway (especially spiral ones) was like sitting on a time portal, somewhere where time stands still, and the past and present and future is all around you, if you wanna see it. The ups and downs ....are all your choices, you can choose to go up or down, sometimes somebody calls you, but the final choice is still yours.

And there's always a rail to guide you, make sure you don't fall off . The rail is somewhat like our parents... when we were kids we slide on them, then learn to climb up and down holding on to them... at one point we don't need them anymore. But they're always there, in case you're exhausted and wanna sit down and lean back one day.

The one's with windows ... a whole new world on their own ! Like watching life go by for others when you're taking a peaceful break...

Now I'll give you guys a break ! Have fun :)