Last night I went to the beach. It really mattered to me, because I'm going away for sometime ... 2 years . I might visit from there, but it will be " a visit" . So, when I still belonged here , I decided to visit my best friend ever - the sea.
I've gone there more than a hundred times in my life, but I will always remember yasterday's visit. She was aggressive like someone had angered her ... and badly at that . I like to think its because she didn't want me to leave . But the aggression was well contained , like always. It was there ... below the surface, if unleashed, it definitely would be bad , but she held it in check . Just like within me, I knew I had to go even though a part of me is rebelling because I don't know what I'm in for.
The wind was amazing too , not breezy , but comfortably windy . The only thing missing was the moon. I always thought they belonged together. The sea, the wind and the moon . When you're looking out at the sea, you can pretend , at leat for a little while, that the world behind you does not exist. That you are surrounded by the most elemental things and you know , in your heart, that you're content. That place places no demands on you, no expectations to fulfill, no fake smile for anyone. No pretense. You're you , the real you.
I stared at the waves rushing in for a long time, when the wind playing with my hair ... thats when the moon came out. It was right there behind the clouds all along ! It seemed to tell me, 'Hey baby girl, we ain't going anywhere ! You go do your thing, make us proud and come back!' . The moon was big, it was magnificent , it was silently glowing. I knew then that she was sitting right beside me and telling me the same thing. It wasn't a goodbye ...

When my world flipped 180

When the world changed without me noticing,

sometimes I miss the old me,

even though the dreams I had are far away,

Fantasy was a kind of happiness.

In obtainining it, I lost something at the same time

And the feelings it evokes brings with it a weakness

As I mature withing the mist,

My heart begins to become complicated

I don't want to let go, don't want to understand

Whoever said scarred love will become deeper...

and that relying on one another is love, not burden.

To be able to hold hands is moving forward.

Didn't know what love truly was.

I was scared of not being able to hold you tightly.

I was scared I wouldn't want to let you go

So I did the only thing I could ...

I let you go.

Someday we'll Know

This song is dedicated to someone though there are 10,000 other questions I would've wanted to ask, apart from these. But the one question that definitely stands is in the chorus .

Mandy:
Ninety Miles outside Chicago
Can't stop driving
I don't know why
So many questions
I Need an answer
Two years later
he's still on my mind
Jonathan:
Whatever happened to Amelia Earhart?
Who holds the stars up in the sky?
Is true love once in a lifetime?
Both:
Did the captain of the Titanic cry?

(Ohh)

(Chorus)
Someday we'll know
If love can move a mountain...
Someday we'll know
Why the sky is blue...
Someday we'll know
Why I wasn't meant for you...

Mandy:
Does anybody know the way to Atlantis?
Jonathan:
Or what the wind says when she cries?
Mandy:
I'm speeding by the place that I met you
Both:
For the 97th time...Tonight

(Chorus)
Someday we'll know
If love can move a mountain...
Someday we'll know
Why the sky is blue...
Someday we'll know
Why I wasn't meant for you...
(yeah yeah yeah yeah)
Both:
Someday we'll know
Jonathan:
Why Samson loved Delilah...
Both:
One day I'll go
Mandy:
Dancing on the moon...
Both:
Someday you'll know
That I was the one for you...
Mandy:
I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow,
Jonathan:
I watched the stars crash in the sea,
Mandy:
If I could ask God just one question...
Both:
Why aren't you here with me?...Tonight

(Chorus)
Someday we'll know
If love can move a mountain...
Someday we'll know
Why the sky is blue...
Someday we'll know
Why I wasn't meant for you...
(yeah yeah yeah yeah)

Someday we'll know
Why Samson loved Delilah...
One day I'll go
Dancing on the moon...
Someday you'll know
That I was the one for you...

Then and now

When I was younger , I knew exactly what I wanted. Now ... I can only tell if I don't what something, but I don't seem to know what I want anymore.
Back then, I knew exactly what I should do, and what I shouldn't. And I guess I hoped I never ended up doing what I shouldn't be doing.
Now I don't know what I want to do, and what I don't want to do. So I do my dad tells me to do ... sometimes what other people tell me to do.
The deal is that, unlike when I was younger, life isn't all black and white . There are areas of grey too. the problem lies right there, I don't know where what belongs ... which shade it is. I'm fumbling now ... and I thought when I grew up I'll knew exactly what I want . looking back, I realize irony can't be better spelt out .