An Ode To The Rain That Lost Its Way
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Somewhere, at this moment, a storm is brewing. And there kneels a little girl, on a couch, her face pressed eagerly on the glass window. She looks up at the overcast skies, which might break open any moment now. Lightning and thunder rock the skies. She smiles as the first drop falls. She watches as the rain falls free. The smile slowly turning into a grin, as a whiff of the rain scent reaches her. I wish I were next to her right now, helping her open the window just a crack, as we let the rain fall on our finger tips.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
One dinner conversation ...
New habits, and the forced end of them visible in the near future.
Jealousy
Upcoming change, and the accompanying uncertainty
E mail conversations that seem to be getting nowhere
Luck
The lack of it
Something I want to be, the same thing I cannot be
Conversations with old friends... so different from before
Change
The lack of it
A old feeling resurfacing
Too familiar for comfort
Easier to recognize
Harder to fight now
I defy it nevertheless
How long will I fight it?
How long will I have to fight it?
I did something stupid
Facing consequences
The mask I had is cracking
But no one can even see than mask
Far far away
Running on and on
Closed eyes
Red fields
Seat hidden in green, high above, among the clouds
I fight that bad feeling
I make myself get out and stay out of it
It's found new ways to find me too
Should I just give in?
No wait,
Giving in is not an option anymore.
For the same reasons the feeling creeps up in the first place
The fear
The symptoms
The cure, which the primary fear kills
Interesting if you look at it objectively, like a math equation
It all adds up just right.
Only, a balanced equation is unfortunately not the same as balanced emotions.
And you won't even rain...
Revenge for May?
Or because I said I won't mess with it anymore?
Mulla... I wish I did
I wish I knew how to make it rain again
It somehow feels like if it did,
Some parts of this confusion will be washed away
I remember the last time I wrote like this...
Do I laugh or sigh?
I brought it on myself
Nan papoya
Geogieganeum ge ani eoss-eo
Anyway, that is the least of my problems right now
Please rain
New habits, and the forced end of them visible in the near future.
Jealousy
Upcoming change, and the accompanying uncertainty
E mail conversations that seem to be getting nowhere
Luck
The lack of it
Something I want to be, the same thing I cannot be
Conversations with old friends... so different from before
Change
The lack of it
A old feeling resurfacing
Too familiar for comfort
Easier to recognize
Harder to fight now
I defy it nevertheless
How long will I fight it?
How long will I have to fight it?
I did something stupid
Facing consequences
The mask I had is cracking
But no one can even see than mask
Far far away
Running on and on
Closed eyes
Red fields
Seat hidden in green, high above, among the clouds
I fight that bad feeling
I make myself get out and stay out of it
It's found new ways to find me too
Should I just give in?
No wait,
Giving in is not an option anymore.
For the same reasons the feeling creeps up in the first place
The fear
The symptoms
The cure, which the primary fear kills
Interesting if you look at it objectively, like a math equation
It all adds up just right.
Only, a balanced equation is unfortunately not the same as balanced emotions.
And you won't even rain...
Revenge for May?
Or because I said I won't mess with it anymore?
Mulla... I wish I did
I wish I knew how to make it rain again
It somehow feels like if it did,
Some parts of this confusion will be washed away
I remember the last time I wrote like this...
Do I laugh or sigh?
I brought it on myself
Nan papoya
Geogieganeum ge ani eoss-eo
Anyway, that is the least of my problems right now
Please rain
Friday, October 14, 2011
Dear everyone,
How have you been?
Is it raining where you are?
I watched a movie yesterday, 'How do you know' (Yup, that's the name of the movie) ... I think it is supposed to be about - How do you know if you're in love. The movie itself felt like a trailer to another movie with a stronger story line.
But the question is an interesting one don't you think?
How do you know you're in love with someone...
:)
I heard this somewhere...
Pretty simple, straight forward, sure fire indicator na!
Next time you have a doubt, just check if these 2 aspects fit.
~
Honourable mention to the WHOOOAAAA climate, the darkening clouds, the wind that's picking up, and lightning and thunder that are playing hide and seek with me. And best of all, the rain that might come soon.
Wishing I were at the beach, with chocolate ice cream when the first drop hits the sand,
Yours ever,
Someday's dreamer.
How have you been?
Is it raining where you are?
I watched a movie yesterday, 'How do you know' (Yup, that's the name of the movie) ... I think it is supposed to be about - How do you know if you're in love. The movie itself felt like a trailer to another movie with a stronger story line.
But the question is an interesting one don't you think?
How do you know you're in love with someone...
:)
I heard this somewhere...
You know you're in love with a certain someone if you think about that person first, the minute something really good or really bad happens.
You want them to be the first ones you share your happiness or sadness with.
Pretty simple, straight forward, sure fire indicator na!
Next time you have a doubt, just check if these 2 aspects fit.
~
Honourable mention to the WHOOOAAAA climate, the darkening clouds, the wind that's picking up, and lightning and thunder that are playing hide and seek with me. And best of all, the rain that might come soon.
Wishing I were at the beach, with chocolate ice cream when the first drop hits the sand,
Yours ever,
Someday's dreamer.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
My last few days, when I think back, feels like one of those music videos where the lead actress is cycling along, hits a bump, waves merrily at someone she randomly knows, parks her bike outside a coffee shop, goes in with a book, hits a table, orders something sinfully casually yum -like a chocolate shake, then drops all her coins when trying to pay, finishes the book finally, bumps into a waiter by mistake, but no major hazard, and then off she goes... smile on her face.
Monday started the week with a jam packed schedule.More than jam packed, I was on my feet a LOT. So many meetings, excel sheets, floor plans, numbers. I had so much fun! At the end of each day (Monday and Tuesday) I never noticed time flying, and I was already at the end. I didn't realize how, but I was drained, yet overflowing with ideas. The climate is perfect, drizzly.
The background music in my head is great.
On Monday we went to our new office premises, to check it out. Came back and made floor plans on Excel. I know excel is more useful than I can ever imagine, but this, I would've never guessed! I owe my team mate a thankoo for that suggestion. I got to see first hand how the top management thinks and negotiates. It was wonderful learning. The fact that some of the negotiation happened over chocolate milk shake and apple pie never hurt. ;)
On Tuesday, I felt like a baby elephant when I woke up. It was also the day I had 4 square meals :P
We had back to back meetings till 6.30pm, and by then, I was conked out. All I wanted to do was sit.
In the evening I met a friend, and had a lovely conversation over soup, lollipop and lamb. I left him a bit dumb founded in the end, and an expression that screamed "But, WHY ?!?!". Nonetheless, it was fun. Hehe.
He is one of those people you can have looooong intellectual conversations with, or just talk about food or the place or music or whatever. It's easy somehow. Always.
Wednesday started as a beautiful lazy weekday, when the weather is perfect to sleep in on. Got better when this darling friend of mine not just reminded me that I had to pay my fees, but also decided to fill the application form with me, so I don't procrastinate, like I tend to.
During the process I found that I had lost a receipt which is essential for the next payment. I thought I was done for. I'd either have to shell out that much or drop the course. All the searching had me postponing my meetings. Didn't help, I didn't find the receipt. I was all set for the worst day at office. My friend had been ever more of a sweetheart and said she'll pay mine with hers. And due to issues she had, she couldn't do it yesterday. I didn't have much hope left. Surprisingly, the day was quite mellow. And ended with a chat, which we later realized lasted for an entire hour and a half.
Today, I woke up after a fitful sleep. Work wise, day's good and productive. The fee issue got resolved, Big BIG thanks to . I've lost the elephant size, and back to being a hippo ;).
This post wasn't to keep a daily log.
There are some days when I feel there isn't a point in anything.
We're going to die anyway.
There are those days when I feel the human body is so fragile - we could break or die because of the smallest of reasons.
I still haven't figured out the purpose of life.
But I've stopped looking for it like it's the only thing that matters.
I love and enjoy food. It makes me happy, here and now.
I absolutely enjoy long conversations - they somehow, seem to me as the thread that is woven to form life.
I like making myself happy, doing things I like and want to. It just makes sense to me.
I like making others happy, it's fun.
I don't speak to some people if it feels it drains me
I try to get to know as many people as I can. More the merrier.
I have mood swings. I think every girl does.
But, I don't feel alone anymore.
I feel one step closer to understanding, if not figuring out what life is all about.
That's what this post is about.
That's what I want to say.
Same thing that we read countless times
It's the little things that count
The big things, and the big decisions in life are like the colours that are provided to us in our palate. Everytime something new and big happens, we get one more colour added to our palate.
The small things in life, the tiny everyday decisions we make are the pictures we paint. How we choose to mix the colours and draw the picture.
It's starting to look like even if life feels ever so boring, with just one colour to paint with over and over again, we still have the choice to make it as intricate, fun and beautiful as we choose to.
Every new day has a fresh area added to our canvas. We can't live in the memories of the one nice picture we painted before, or just dreaming of the picture we could paint if only we had that other colour. We've got to start painting, so that when that colour comes along, or some other colour comes along, we already have the stage set for it to make our picture so much the prettier.
I'm learning to paint new pictures, instead of crying over the old ones. Or what could have been.
I'm learning to love living and dreaming. Just the journey itself.
I'm trying, and succeeding a bit more everyday, to just enjoy the ride, though I have absolutely no idea about where I'm going or why I'm going there.
My life isn't perfect. My life is beautiful.
Monday started the week with a jam packed schedule.More than jam packed, I was on my feet a LOT. So many meetings, excel sheets, floor plans, numbers. I had so much fun! At the end of each day (Monday and Tuesday) I never noticed time flying, and I was already at the end. I didn't realize how, but I was drained, yet overflowing with ideas. The climate is perfect, drizzly.
The background music in my head is great.
On Monday we went to our new office premises, to check it out. Came back and made floor plans on Excel. I know excel is more useful than I can ever imagine, but this, I would've never guessed! I owe my team mate a thankoo for that suggestion. I got to see first hand how the top management thinks and negotiates. It was wonderful learning. The fact that some of the negotiation happened over chocolate milk shake and apple pie never hurt. ;)
On Tuesday, I felt like a baby elephant when I woke up. It was also the day I had 4 square meals :P
We had back to back meetings till 6.30pm, and by then, I was conked out. All I wanted to do was sit.
In the evening I met a friend, and had a lovely conversation over soup, lollipop and lamb. I left him a bit dumb founded in the end, and an expression that screamed "But, WHY ?!?!". Nonetheless, it was fun. Hehe.
He is one of those people you can have looooong intellectual conversations with, or just talk about food or the place or music or whatever. It's easy somehow. Always.
Wednesday started as a beautiful lazy weekday, when the weather is perfect to sleep in on. Got better when this darling friend of mine not just reminded me that I had to pay my fees, but also decided to fill the application form with me, so I don't procrastinate, like I tend to.
During the process I found that I had lost a receipt which is essential for the next payment. I thought I was done for. I'd either have to shell out that much or drop the course. All the searching had me postponing my meetings. Didn't help, I didn't find the receipt. I was all set for the worst day at office. My friend had been ever more of a sweetheart and said she'll pay mine with hers. And due to issues she had, she couldn't do it yesterday. I didn't have much hope left. Surprisingly, the day was quite mellow. And ended with a chat, which we later realized lasted for an entire hour and a half.
Today, I woke up after a fitful sleep. Work wise, day's good and productive. The fee issue got resolved, Big BIG thanks to . I've lost the elephant size, and back to being a hippo ;).
This post wasn't to keep a daily log.
There are some days when I feel there isn't a point in anything.
We're going to die anyway.
There are those days when I feel the human body is so fragile - we could break or die because of the smallest of reasons.
I still haven't figured out the purpose of life.
But I've stopped looking for it like it's the only thing that matters.
I love and enjoy food. It makes me happy, here and now.
I absolutely enjoy long conversations - they somehow, seem to me as the thread that is woven to form life.
I like making myself happy, doing things I like and want to. It just makes sense to me.
I like making others happy, it's fun.
I don't speak to some people if it feels it drains me
I try to get to know as many people as I can. More the merrier.
I have mood swings. I think every girl does.
But, I don't feel alone anymore.
I feel one step closer to understanding, if not figuring out what life is all about.
That's what this post is about.
That's what I want to say.
Same thing that we read countless times
It's the little things that count
The big things, and the big decisions in life are like the colours that are provided to us in our palate. Everytime something new and big happens, we get one more colour added to our palate.
The small things in life, the tiny everyday decisions we make are the pictures we paint. How we choose to mix the colours and draw the picture.
It's starting to look like even if life feels ever so boring, with just one colour to paint with over and over again, we still have the choice to make it as intricate, fun and beautiful as we choose to.
Every new day has a fresh area added to our canvas. We can't live in the memories of the one nice picture we painted before, or just dreaming of the picture we could paint if only we had that other colour. We've got to start painting, so that when that colour comes along, or some other colour comes along, we already have the stage set for it to make our picture so much the prettier.
I'm learning to paint new pictures, instead of crying over the old ones. Or what could have been.
I'm learning to love living and dreaming. Just the journey itself.
I'm trying, and succeeding a bit more everyday, to just enjoy the ride, though I have absolutely no idea about where I'm going or why I'm going there.
My life isn't perfect. My life is beautiful.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
I'm a part time student. I'm trying to get my degree in Psychology. Part timing is not the most effective way, but it's fun. I've registered with a friend, so its like good ol' days, where we passed notes in class. Last week, my friend couldn't make it, but luckily a colleague of mine from Netherlands wanted to see what classes here were like. One of the main reasons I decided to do my second masters in psychology was because I wanted to further specialize in Cross Cultural management and relationships.
So off we went to class. I was a bit late, he was a lot early... says something about cultures? Hmm...
My first hour got cancelled, and we ended up joining a similar session with another batch of students. It happened to be math.
There was a point in my life when I loved solving math. A time, when I was one of those geeky kids who used to raise their hands and go "pick me pick me pick me" when the prof was looking for someone to do the sum on the black board. My math notebook used to have childish stars, and I was proud of it. All this lasted till school only though. When I started my bachelors, there wasn't much math involved. And in my masters, though quite a few books were dipped in numbers, I'd lost interest. My motivation and interest in math went away because of associations. My mom was a math professor. She made math really fun. With her, math was a challenge. A competition. A play ground where I could experiment, and she was my guide come cheer leader.
So last class, we were doing math, and suddenly it was competitive again. Who got the numbers right the first time... 447 or 457... Would the prof be writing my answer on the board first? Is it the right answer? It was fun! Again... For a brief period, I remembered why I used to love math, even though it was just simple stuff we were dealing with.
~
Between the last statement and now, I had briefly stepped out for a meeting with my boss. During that time, my boss got a call from his boss - who is of another nationality. As I silently sat by and watched (I wasn't eve's dropping, really! He was right in front of me, I had no choice!!) I saw my boss smile widely, and ... I hate to say this, but he sounded very flirtatious. His boss is also a guy by the way. But it's not just them. Most people I've noticed, not just from here, but people from other countries as well, especially Asian, look like they are flirting when interacting with a foreigner. Me included.
We smile too much, we laugh at the un-funniest of jokes, we patronize, nod profusely, listen intently... most things you also do when you're flirting with someone.
I have a theory, a simple one. I think when we meet someone from a different country
a. We don't want to offend them
b. We want to project the best of ourselves and our country
c. We try to understand them
d. We are partly fascinated by the strangeness... differences if you want me to be more politically correct ;)
Because of this, our actions may as well be flirting.
Anyway, that's just something I noticed, and theorized about. Maybe I was just reading too much into things as usual !
~
So anyway... my colleague and I went from classes to lunch to tour of a uni to a mall during which we discussed and compared various aspects of our cultures.
Major topics ranged from sports > driving > FOOD > Food habits > weddings > relationships> Socialization > Family > Eye contact > Honking, and so on and so forth. The conversations revolved around the same general topics,yes. But it was different in many ways. Things that are not so easily discussed in my cultural context, I could easily discuss with him. Things that I've taken for granted, I had to pause, remember and explain. We also noticed that beyond the cultural differences, there were a few similarities as well. Importance given to different aspects of life.
It should have been more like comparing notes. but it was a fun conversation.
I also had to consciously stop myself from being too much of a tourist guide, and let him just hang out.
It is to be noted that we each read 4 books that day.
(Those books might or might not have come from the baby section of the book store, I'm not telling!)
That evening, after a small complication with my bike, I went on to take my sister to her classmate's Arangaetram. I don't know if I've ever truly appreciated my country's cultures, values and traditions. I love them. And I hope I don't take them for granted too much!
The girl danced beautifully, we were able to watch just 3 of the 8 pieces she performed. And all 3 were very commendable.
That Sunday we went for a Big Family Get Together Come Picnic, It was a mash of maritime come mallu style. Food and entertainment, completely mallu, and the location: Maritime academy.
It was this super awesome place, to which I will dedicate an entire photo blog post soon! So no more boring details here :P
The evening had my family disrupted because a cat wanted to join my family too. And I didn't want it to.
There was crying, screaming, threatening. None of which I'm particularly proud of.
All I can say is, if I don't get married, you can bet that I won't be an old lady with 9 cats either!
Ta :)
So off we went to class. I was a bit late, he was a lot early... says something about cultures? Hmm...
My first hour got cancelled, and we ended up joining a similar session with another batch of students. It happened to be math.
There was a point in my life when I loved solving math. A time, when I was one of those geeky kids who used to raise their hands and go "pick me pick me pick me" when the prof was looking for someone to do the sum on the black board. My math notebook used to have childish stars, and I was proud of it. All this lasted till school only though. When I started my bachelors, there wasn't much math involved. And in my masters, though quite a few books were dipped in numbers, I'd lost interest. My motivation and interest in math went away because of associations. My mom was a math professor. She made math really fun. With her, math was a challenge. A competition. A play ground where I could experiment, and she was my guide come cheer leader.
So last class, we were doing math, and suddenly it was competitive again. Who got the numbers right the first time... 447 or 457... Would the prof be writing my answer on the board first? Is it the right answer? It was fun! Again... For a brief period, I remembered why I used to love math, even though it was just simple stuff we were dealing with.
~
Between the last statement and now, I had briefly stepped out for a meeting with my boss. During that time, my boss got a call from his boss - who is of another nationality. As I silently sat by and watched (I wasn't eve's dropping, really! He was right in front of me, I had no choice!!) I saw my boss smile widely, and ... I hate to say this, but he sounded very flirtatious. His boss is also a guy by the way. But it's not just them. Most people I've noticed, not just from here, but people from other countries as well, especially Asian, look like they are flirting when interacting with a foreigner. Me included.
We smile too much, we laugh at the un-funniest of jokes, we patronize, nod profusely, listen intently... most things you also do when you're flirting with someone.
I have a theory, a simple one. I think when we meet someone from a different country
a. We don't want to offend them
b. We want to project the best of ourselves and our country
c. We try to understand them
d. We are partly fascinated by the strangeness... differences if you want me to be more politically correct ;)
Because of this, our actions may as well be flirting.
Anyway, that's just something I noticed, and theorized about. Maybe I was just reading too much into things as usual !
~
So anyway... my colleague and I went from classes to lunch to tour of a uni to a mall during which we discussed and compared various aspects of our cultures.
Major topics ranged from sports > driving > FOOD > Food habits > weddings > relationships> Socialization > Family > Eye contact > Honking, and so on and so forth. The conversations revolved around the same general topics,yes. But it was different in many ways. Things that are not so easily discussed in my cultural context, I could easily discuss with him. Things that I've taken for granted, I had to pause, remember and explain. We also noticed that beyond the cultural differences, there were a few similarities as well. Importance given to different aspects of life.
It should have been more like comparing notes. but it was a fun conversation.
I also had to consciously stop myself from being too much of a tourist guide, and let him just hang out.
It is to be noted that we each read 4 books that day.
(Those books might or might not have come from the baby section of the book store, I'm not telling!)
That evening, after a small complication with my bike, I went on to take my sister to her classmate's Arangaetram. I don't know if I've ever truly appreciated my country's cultures, values and traditions. I love them. And I hope I don't take them for granted too much!
The girl danced beautifully, we were able to watch just 3 of the 8 pieces she performed. And all 3 were very commendable.
That Sunday we went for a Big Family Get Together Come Picnic, It was a mash of maritime come mallu style. Food and entertainment, completely mallu, and the location: Maritime academy.
It was this super awesome place, to which I will dedicate an entire photo blog post soon! So no more boring details here :P
The evening had my family disrupted because a cat wanted to join my family too. And I didn't want it to.
There was crying, screaming, threatening. None of which I'm particularly proud of.
All I can say is, if I don't get married, you can bet that I won't be an old lady with 9 cats either!
Ta :)
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Getting nagged to get married .... that has been happening for a while
Got myself a gorgeous black saree... been wanting one of those for aaaaagggeeess !
Chocolate cookies dipped in cold milk... I've read about this for as long as I remember, but hadn't tried it till yesterday. Now I know what all the hype was about, and lemme tell ya, totally worth it !!! Yummmmm !
Went for a long walk ... after a long time. Missed those :)
Just one of those nice Saturdays :)
Got myself a gorgeous black saree... been wanting one of those for aaaaagggeeess !
Chocolate cookies dipped in cold milk... I've read about this for as long as I remember, but hadn't tried it till yesterday. Now I know what all the hype was about, and lemme tell ya, totally worth it !!! Yummmmm !
Went for a long walk ... after a long time. Missed those :)
Just one of those nice Saturdays :)
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