The L word

Jokes and seriousness...

I found out, finally, what my greatest fear is. At some level I think I always knew.
My greatest fear, is the fear of falling in love with someone. So much in love, that when they leave you, which I seem to be sure they will, it feels like the your world crashed down on you, and its too .... heavy to stand up again.
Quick recap on every time till now:
First time: as much as I say I was hurt because he broke it off, I was the one who suggested "trying" it out for 3 months, rather than actually committing myself. When he called it off in 3 months, My doubts, which I always hold so close to my heart got confirmed. People you love, leave you, and you're left with an empty heart.

Second time: I all but screamed to the guy "Say NO!", I played on every point that he isn't comfortable with. and
almost danced with relief when he did.

I didn't want a relationship! I wanted to prove to myself that I was ready for one! By pretending to take the plunge, and blaming the failure on anything but me !

Third time: Most pathetic of all cases. I develop a crush. Let my friend dare me into saying that to him. Make it sound like a joke. Dilly dally between calling it off. Because, honestly, I don't even know if I'm just rebounding on the friend recently lost, or God knows what! I've had the crush for a year, but was I ever serious? And, FYI, I did call it off.

More importantly: Will I ever be serious? Can I ever let myself believe that someone won't leave me? Whoever he might be... Between my control issues, commitment issues, the phobia, and this amazing fear, I don't think I will ever have the problem of having to deal with "How good a girlfriend would I be?" because, lets face it, I ain't never going to get till that stage! If I do, God help the guy.

I'm giving up... i don't see the point in going through all the confusion anymore. I have become brave enough to face the fact that I am scared that people I love will leave me. So... no more jokes, no more proving anything to myself. Maybe a few crushes, but them I can deal with.

If anyone comes to me saying the L word, if he doesn't mean it, he's going to get beaten up by me!
I am so angry with me right now.
Dang  flabbit!
Life is so much better when you pretend certain things away ...