I’m scared

So very scared. To remember. To make myself think of you.

I’m even more scared I’d forget you.

This place … where you used to be … where we used to be, gives me nightmares. But I’m scared to wake up.

I haven’t seen you in my dreams in so long. I can’t make myself think of you. It hurts too much. You’re everywhere here, and yet … you’re not here.

It’s like living in a haze, where you see shadows, shadows that look familiar, but seem to be more the outcome of smoke and mirrors. I feel so lost. Even here. Maybe that’s why I feel like I don’t fit anywhere, because I don’t even feel like I belong at home! How can I belong to a place where you don’t exist?

It scares me senseless to think that I’d have to go through the rest of my life without you. Go to places you haven’t been to, places you haven’t heard of, places I can’t tell you about.

I’ve convinced myself that it’s cowardly to want to join you. But … it’s not because I wanna run away, it’s because I want to feel again. I don’t feel anything, unless it’s something really extreme. Even that dies out, like a cold splash on an adrenaline rush. I’m bored of existing … I want to live. Like I used to when you were there.

I want to talk to you. About anything. I want to sit next to you, talking nothing.

My roomie complains that I’m not the same face to face, online and so on … that it’s difficult to reach me. I’m not there. People say I’m always in a different world. How do I make them understand? When I don’t understand … when I don’t understand what I am without you?

I have been trying to do what I thought you would have wanted me to do. There’s only so much one can pretend. And I have grown up, and I don’t know how you would react any more. That’s why I can detach myself from anything in record speed.

How could you leave me to face the world all by myself???? Whose hand do I reach out for in the dark now?

Why didn’t he answer my one strongest prayer??????? I asked for 7 years …

The Solitary Reaper

Behold her, single in the field,
Yon solitary Highland Lass!
Reaping and singing by herself;
Stop here, or gently pass!
Alone she cuts and binds the grain,
And sings a melancholy strain;
O listen! for the Vale profound
Is overflowing with the sound.

No Nightingale did ever chaunt
More welcome notes to weary bands
Of travellers in some shady haunt,
Among Arabian sands:
A voice so thrilling ne’er was heard
In spring-time from the Cuckoo-bird,
Breaking the silence of the seas
Among the farthest Hebrides.

Will no one tell me what she sings?--
Perhaps the plaintive numbers flow
For old, unhappy, far-off things,
And battles long ago:
Or is it some more humble lay,
Familiar matter of to-day?
Some natural sorrow, loss, or pain,
That has been, and may be again?

Whate’er the theme, the Maiden sang
As if her song could have no ending;
I saw her singing at her work,
And o’er the sickle bending;--
I listened, motionless and still;
And, as I mounted up the hill
The music in my heart I bore,
Long after it was heard no more.

---William Wordsworth (1803)

I surprise me !

I surprise myself,

More and more everyday ....

What would you do if you absolutely certainly think that you know at least certain things about yourself very well, and you yourself end up doing the exact opposite ? Sounds CRAZY right ???

That's what I've been trying to ask and find out (from) myself !

In my world, a world where I don't know what I want in most aspects, rather, know what I don't want, based on which I make my choices, I find myself, staring at a decision. A decision made on an issue for which (one of the few aspects for which) I thought with absolute certainty I knew what I wanted. A decision, which shattered every illusion of the previous statement. In an rationality, I do consider myself very rational, I don't see any logic! Zilch!

Something though, had helped make it much easier for me to make a call on this issue in the afore mentioned rational and logical way. Call on it, I'm made. Execution, I'm claiming to have made. In truth? I feel like I'm being pulled in opposite directions, with complete equal and opposite forces. Result? I wish I had listened in Physics classes! I bet they spoke about things like this !!!!

Will keep ya updated :)

When There Was Me and You

Lyrics of a song I like :

It's funny when you find yourself
Looking from the outside
I'm standing here but all I want
Is to be over there
Why did I let myself believe
Miracles could happen
Cause now I have to pretend
That I don't really care

I thought you were my fairytale
A dream when I'm not sleeping
A wish upon a star
That's coming true
But everybody else could tell
That I confused my feelings with the truth
When there was me and you

I swore I knew the melody
That I heard you singing
And when you smiled
You made me feel
Like I could sing along
But then you went and changed the words
Now my heart is empty
I'm only left with used-to-be's
And once upon a song

Now I know you're not a fairytale
And dreams were meant for sleeping
And wishes on a star
Just don't come true
Cause now even I can tell
That I confused my feelings with the truth
Because I liked the view
When there was me and you

I can't believe that
I could be so blind
It's like you were floating
While I was falling
And I didn't mind

Cause I liked the view
Thought you felt it too
When there was me and you