Where are you ?

I’m scared

So very scared. To remember. To make myself think of you.

I’m even more scared I’d forget you.

This place … where you used to be … where we used to be, gives me nightmares. But I’m scared to wake up.

I haven’t seen you in my dreams in so long. I can’t make myself think of you. It hurts too much. You’re everywhere here, and yet … you’re not here.

It’s like living in a haze, where you see shadows, shadows that look familiar, but seem to be more the outcome of smoke and mirrors. I feel so lost. Even here. Maybe that’s why I feel like I don’t fit anywhere, because I don’t even feel like I belong at home! How can I belong to a place where you don’t exist?

It scares me senseless to think that I’d have to go through the rest of my life without you. Go to places you haven’t been to, places you haven’t heard of, places I can’t tell you about.

I’ve convinced myself that it’s cowardly to want to join you. But … it’s not because I wanna run away, it’s because I want to feel again. I don’t feel anything, unless it’s something really extreme. Even that dies out, like a cold splash on an adrenaline rush. I’m bored of existing … I want to live. Like I used to when you were there.

I want to talk to you. About anything. I want to sit next to you, talking nothing.

My roomie complains that I’m not the same face to face, online and so on … that it’s difficult to reach me. I’m not there. People say I’m always in a different world. How do I make them understand? When I don’t understand … when I don’t understand what I am without you?

I have been trying to do what I thought you would have wanted me to do. There’s only so much one can pretend. And I have grown up, and I don’t know how you would react any more. That’s why I can detach myself from anything in record speed.

How could you leave me to face the world all by myself???? Whose hand do I reach out for in the dark now?

Why didn’t he answer my one strongest prayer??????? I asked for 7 years …