There are big things like ... being unable to figure out the purpose of life, being a social recluse, not able to figure out what career I want, not getting a job I want ...

Then there are tiny little things... things like ... Being unable to revamp my resume at one go - who knows what they wanna see?!, Seeing an ex (boy) friend's birth date on a sample resume, the perfectest tall guy bf gifting a girl an Audi Q5 (because she likes corny things!!!) in a drama, my hair not feeling perfect in spite of a long lathery wash, cutting my finger when cutting ginger, not being able to smell what I cooked for some odd reason, stitching that is yet to be done.

We have small things, and big things. They say its the little things that matter in life. As far as today is concerned,  damn right, it's the little things! Argh, they can make a person so irritated. And frustrated! Though not even one full drop of blood came out, and the dish did taste good, it is still not my day.

And that girl in the drama? Some accident, and now she's driving an R8.

God please help me get an Audi before I hit 30!

Prisoner in Paradise

She lifted the curtains a teensie bit on the side, and looked through the window yet another time. It sure did sound like it, but she couldn't make out if she saw the pitter patter of drops or not. She let the curtains fall, and went back to writing on her laptop. Three words, and she was reaching for the curtain yet again. She almost let it fall back, when she noticed it. The unmistakeable lighting up of the whole street by a lightning.

She left what she was doing as it was, and ran to the door. Quickly unlocked it and stood still in her verandah. The smell of the rain and the winds surrounded and engulfed her. Zoe had waited for this for so long. She pressed her face, to see through one of the petal shaped apertures of the metal gate - Part of the iron frame surrounding her verandah, a detailed flower garden pattern in metal.

Since he wasn't in town, and it was quite late in the night, the gate was already locked. Not bothering to open it, she rested her chin on the cold iron and looked at the rain fall. It had been so long. It almost looked like the reunion of two long lost friends.

Was it about a month back? She was watching some movie, where there was heavy rain in one of the scenes. Just that made her so nostalgic, and desperate for rain. And now, it was finally here. It had drizzled a couple of times the past week. As good as that is, it was no rain.

For some people, rain means sadness. For some it brought the urge to dance. Some were happy, and some became poets. For Zoe, the rain was all that and more. It lit up her world like no other. She almost shared a bond with every falling drop. In spite of all this, she was more than content just standing where she stood and  looking out.

She had felt that this rain would bring with it a lot of thoughts, as so much was left to be figured out. So much left to do, and so much to sort out. But she found herself comforted just by the feel of the cold iron. For someone who was allergic to metal, she sure loved the feel of it.

The droplets of water prancing on the wind-shield of a car's  parked ahead caught her attention. A little beyond, to her left, the asbestos of the car park had water falling from it in several parallel streams. Sliver of streams that changed direction of flow along with the rain itself. The street light above not just shed light on it, but also seemed to be enjoying it's first row view of the little water works. The trees that had already closed their leaves for the night were elegantly letting the water drip from them. 

As she looked on at the rain changing directions with the wind, no gushing thoughts, and no surge of solutions came to her. Those issues would have to be worked on slowly, and with efforts. But it didn't feel so walloping any more. The future was still as dubious as it was, but it wasn't dark and disheartening.

The rain always brought with it a promise of hope for brand new beginnings. It also brought with it a beaming smile for Zoe's face. Which she kept on as she watched the rain till it slowed down ... and even when she went to bed that night.

Silver Shoes

When I went to Thailand, we went to this dance show. There was one bit when 5 of them beautifully colourfully dressed were wearing the same shoes - a silver glittery pair. 

I bought about 5 pairs of footwear there, and though I found a silver pair in one show room, I never found one that really clicked, so never got any silver ones. To be fair, in awe of all the different colours, I wasn't quite intently looking for one particular pair of shoes. But then, it was and is stuck in my head. Just like those Baggit shoes long ago.

So I have tendency to keep wishing I had them. No different here. Except maybe that silver shoes are much easier to find. When you're looking for just them that is.

Today, out of the blue, about 3 minutes ago, it suddenly struck me. It struck me that I don't want to find those silver shoes just yet. I will wear them on the day I walk down the aisle... whenever that is. Recently I decided that no matter what it takes, I'm going to wear a white dress for my wedding. I've never quite completely fit in with my culture or any culture. 

So it makes sense to wear the dress I dreamt about ever since I laid hands on that Little Women Book, oh so long ago! 

It's funny how I know who my three flower girls are going to be, who my maid of honour is, who my bride's maids are going to be, what colour shoe I'd be wearing! What flowers I'll be holding, -no wait, not sure about that yet. But I have no idea who, where and when ;)

No hurry though. This way, when he comes along, I won't be flustered before the wedding. I'll already have a giant wedding book like Monica to have an ultra smooth wedding.

I love footwear. It can change my mood and my attitude in seconds. So obviously, my white / silver foot wear has to be extra special, and I gotta find 'em.

Digital Utopia

I debated a lot about if or not such a thing even deserves a post dedicated to it. But then I realized that I spend so much of my daily life with these gadgets, that when I've made a definite progress I should happily broadcast it. Especially when its a triple gain like this time! All in one day too!

As for as gadgets go, I think 2012 is closely competing with 2011. I don't know which of them win actually. 2011 I got my baby, my best friend and boy friend - my net-book. Though I wonder if its a she or he, since I've named her Wendy, but the net-book's like how I imagine a perfect boy friend would be; Keeps me entertained, listens to all I say, amazing patience (digitally translated to battery life) and a big big heart (Memory, and important dates).

This year though, earlier on, my laptop (Stevie - not this one I'm using now) (And yes, in case you're wondering, my phone has a name too... D'uh!) got his much needed windows upgrade along with a Microsoft office 2010. I'm a big fan of Microsoft office,  especially now that it's more integrated with their office online, making my life gloriously simple in oh-so-many way! If MS 2007 was awesome, 2010 is bleddy brill!

I also happened to pick up the tiniest 1 TB external hard disc on my trip. It's pocket sized! with its own pouch and all. Compared to my giant externally powered older one, which is currently finally breathing in green again (after the new tiny one came to share the burden) this one's like 2200 meets 1700!

So what happened yesterday?

3 things which I've been really wanting for a long time!

First: My home's finally WiFi-fied. There was a huge internal battle yesterday, when I finally gave in and opted for the WiFi router, instead of the base replacement modem. I had always rebelled against readily available Internet, for fear of over dependency. But here I am, on my bed, comfortably typing away.

Second: I finally finally finally downloaded some new themes onto my phone. I love colour. Colour symphony matters a LOT to me, even in day to day life. So one major draw back of the my Azumi (Yes, that's my Nokia Phone) is that they've provided only 10 colour choices, which are technically only 5 colours in 2 shades each. So apart from a ruby red, and occasionally a white which went with some of my wallpapers, the rest of the colour themes were crappy. And till yesterday, I had always thought that I was stuck with those. Stupid me, I know! So, with the help of the new Wifi, I was browsing away [In my phone, even though it is a 3G phone, I haven't subscribed Internet, for reasons stated in the above paragraph. Nonetheless, I have browsed the internet through wifi whenever the need arose, or when I was bored in airports and the like with free wifi - so I really dunno why I never realized I could download themes before o.0 (Ok, real long bracketed bit - sowie!)] and found some amazing, and some real whacko themes. So no Azumi can have not just wallpapers, but also themes that match my moods and fancies - Yaayyy!!!

Third: Lastly, the best of the lot (In spite of the wi-fi - yes) is that I can finally change my desktop backgrounds in Wendy! (This is the pause when there's drum roll, and applause *nods*) Super duperly awesome or what ?!?!? :D Here's the back ground story - I got Wendy last year, right.  The OS installed in net-books is Windows 7 Starter. What windows went and did very brilliantly, to "increase" efficiency is disable a lot of personalization features like changing desktop backgrounds, sounds and the like. If you had noticed from earlier, I am big on personalization. Almost all my things have my stamp on them. So the fact that I had to stare at that silly blue windows pic every time I booted was not a nice feeling. I have asked and bugged many a techie to help me find a solution for that. Yesterday, BAM! out of no where I found it! Apparently after many sad and angry souls like me kept complaining, some kindred heart created a software called Oceanis - Background Change, so now I can have different desktop back grounds every 10 minutes :D Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee !!!

Happiness in my digital life :)

[19 June 2012]

And guess what guess what guess what! It rained yesterday :) 

Fate: A Story about someone else

I really believe in fate. I believe that I might bump into that special someone at a mall, or at the movies, or in a park. I’m always extra aware of my surroundings at those places. I take efforts to look better to go shopping at a mall, than at a shop. But, contrary to my beliefs, or rather – in spite of my beliefs, I rarely make eye contact with anyone when I am out by myself, which is a lot.

He was a budding celebrity. His boy band was just taking off.

He believed in fate, he believed that he might meet that special someone at the subway, or at a crossing, or some random place. He was always aware of those surroundings, and waited for the day when he would look into some one’s eyes and feel it. That connect that might probably re-define him for the rest of his life.

I like tall people. So when I feel more conscious when I notice them looming around. But I don’t walk slower or dilly-dally around them. I just walk past briskly and wonder if they noticed.

He was at a hospital when he first laid eyes on her. He had gone to visit someone, and on his way out; he saw her. She was sitting at the counter. His heart beat faster as he realized that this is the moment he had been waiting for, from forever! He didn’t take his eyes off of her for twenty whole seconds. He finally shook himself, walked up to her and asked her for her phone number.

She looked, blinked, “Sorry, no”

Disheartened, like never before, he walked away with heavy steps. He left the building, went up to his car. It struck him then, that a real man wouldn’t just give up on what he believed to be his fate based on two simple words. Freshly motivated, he almost ran back.

The waiting line required patients to pull out a number.  He pulled out 10. When the first number in his hand was called for by her, we went up. Put up his best smile and said “I’ve come back for you”. Even in his head that line sounded too cheesy – enough to give one goose bumps. She looked at him steadily and said, “I’m really sorry, but I have a boy friend”.

He left for real this time. Dejected, but not so much. After a few weeks, he found himself again being conscious of himself and those around him at subways and walkways, but not with the same fervor anymore.

Few months passed before he saw her again.  He never thought he would. They were hosting a fan signing, after his band’s latest album became a hit. She was standing on the line approaching him. A million thoughts crossed his head. Could she have broken up with her boyfriend, and found this opportunity to let him know that? A heady combination of hope and happiness made him smile radiantly at all those in front of him. He signed as fast as he possibly could, waiting for the moment that she would be in front of him. He had no idea about what he wrote or said for the next few minutes. He knew positively that he felt more excited then, than when they had first stepped on stage after their debut. Giddy with happiness, after posing for yet another picture, he looked up to track her approach again. She was close now, only 5 persons away. But something wasn't right. A longer look, and he realized that she wasn’t standing on the line approaching him, but was on the queue approaching his band mate – the drummer who sits at the back. Not him, the lead singer, but the drummer.

As she approached, she didn’t even look in his direction. Kept laughing about something with her friend who stood behind her, got her CD signed and left.

He never believed in fate again. Never looked twice at someone to wonder; “What if”.

 I still believe in fate. I believe that I might bump into someone at the mall, look into his eyes and just know. So I stopped going to malls.


Disclaimer: This story (The him bits) is really something that happened to a someone from a popular boy band.

White, Black and Brown

She sat in her usual seat, by the railing on the first floor. It overlooked the floor below, and because of the shop's glass windows, she could even look on at the street, when distracted.
She fell in love with this place for this seat. And the metal railing. The heavy metal chairs, soft plushy cushions with the glass tables gave the place an oddly comforting feel.
She was looking out at the street. One hand supporting her chin, and the other mindlessly playing a tune on her glass. One ear phone plugged into her ear, and the other dangling. Some soft tune played into her ears. Apple juice and caramel custard - her signature order. She knew the place boasted many unique milkshakes, that they were famous for. But she always preferred ordering the apple juice which wasn't on the menu. Initially, the people at the shop always double checked her order, with a surprised look. As if to say, "why would she come to us for just a plain apple juice?!". Not any more. Now when she came, she was always greeted with a smile, and a  "Shall I bring up your regular, Zoe?". She smiled at that recollection. They had insisted on calling her madam for a very long time, till she finally became Zoe with everyone. She liked the familiarity of this place. It was like her place. Every time she had a mental block, this is where she came to. People always seemed to have stories to tell. Especially in places like these... cafe's, and juice shops. She didn't eavesdrop, just looked at their expressions and made up stories about them. Turned them into story book characters woven into the fabric of her tale, with the odd green shoe, or the ochre coloured bracelet with charms that she might have seen within this very shop.
She was aware that he had come in a while ago. And was sitting 2 tables away from her.  He wasn't exactly staring intently at her. But she felt his presence strong enough. They had been friends, once upon a December.  Not any more. Light years ago, they had taken long lazy strolls, and spoken about anything and everything. Now, they occasionally showed up in each others worlds. She wouldn't say his was a comforting presence. Just something she had learnt to live with, and occasionally even looked forward to. Especially those days, when she felt devoid of anything happening in her life. Today wasn't one of those days. Today was just ... a very relaxed day, and she was just looking for something to write about.
That something just walked through those glass doors down below. The bells above the doors chimed merrily, as did his laugh through his mobile phone. She smiled to herself. Crisp white shirts with blue jeans, the next guy who walked into her tale would definitely be wearing those. And a loud cheery laugh, and clear eyes. She couldn't really see the colour of his eyes from all the way up there. She realized she's been happily starring, very interestedly, when he looked right at her and winked. She hastily looked away, chastising herself for being careless. She never looked at her subjects very long. And always did so discretely. She preferred referring to them as subjects, gave her the third person objectivity.
Newly inspired, she cut another triangle of caramel custard, put it in her mouth quickly, and started typing in on her Net-book. She briefly considered naming the character Pete, to maybe acknowledge the man who would not leave from 2 table away, and was smiling to himself, when she had looked at him accidentally over a piece of custard. Thought the better of it. This guy she was writing about was nothing like him. Clear eyes, loud laugh - yeah right. Pete was... had been, she corrected herself, all about the mystery. You could never get a direct statement from him. He loved playing with words.That's what drew her to him in the first place. It had been exciting, to always wonder what he thought, or what he was saying. But then, 2 years and what had once been exciting became tiring. Sometimes, a girl just wanted direct answers or to just be comforted.
She shook her head to clear those thoughts, and went back to her story. Once she began writing, she was as good as part of the story she wrote. Jake entered her world, and she was right into it. White shirt, blue jeans and all. She momentarily paused to wonder what colour eyes she should give him. Her writing had been about the little details, smells, light ... Maybe a deep blue? She wondered, absently reaching for her glass. Suddenly startled to notice a hand next to it. Long fingers. Maybe Jake would have lo... her derailed thoughts refocused as she realized a man was was standing there. She looked up into the brown eyes of ...Jake?
"Is this seat taken?"
'Brown eyes, not murky waters brown, but clear, milk chocolate brown eyes' she was writing in her head, as she started at him blankly.
"I've been watching you , you know?"
She blinked a couple of times. And then a few more. Shook her head slightly, as she refocused.
He seemed to be smiling at her attempt to land back on Earth.
"Umm... No... this seat is not taken. But, do I know you?"
"Nope. Just finally found the guts to come over and say hi... so HI !"
"Hi" She said automatically. Finally completely in the present, she smiled.
He seemed like a welcome distraction. This was a safe enough place. "So you've been watching me?"
"Uh huh" He said as he laid his peach coloured milk shake on the table. And pulling a seat for himself. "You make a pretty picture, day dreaming, writing, drinking absently.. makes one wonder what goes on in your head"
"Okay, you've been watching me. That's not creepy at a~" He was laughing aloud with crinkles near his eyes even before she could finish that statement. She smiled too. "Have you considered that maybe I was just transcribing stuff? Get so bored of it, that I day dream, and drink, and go back to transcribing"
"Oh C'mon! Don't take the poetry of it away!" He seemed genuinely let down.
"Poetry!" She giggled.
"Anyway, I'm going pretend you were writing something more fun, or at least something interesting such as .. obituaries".
"That's your idea of interesting?"
"It is, isn't it? In a very sardonic way. But yeah, transcribing is okay too I guess. I tried my hand at it once. Medical by the way, and I used to pretend I'm the doctor with the weird accent, saying all those things to somebody. I always wondered how they would react. Anyway, what are you transcribing?"
"Writing"
"HA ! I knew it ! About something interesting?"
"You"
"Mmhmmm ... " He said, pretending to be talking to himself, as he shook his head "So I just played right into the hands of my creepy stalker, and am giving her first person material"
She couldn't help but laugh at that. "Oops, Guilty"
He seemed to have a way of looking at people and making them feel like they're the only one there right now. She knew very few people had that ability. It was more of a talent. She'd gone on a trip once, where the tour guide had been that way. No matter how much the agency had messed up, she hadn't made it an issue because of that. And now this guy here.
"So you write about people huh? This place makes sense."
And before she knew it, they were cooking up back stories about random people around them.
"What do you think about that lady over there? The one with the silver bag"
"9 cats back home?"
"Nah, too obvious. Rich husband died young, now pestering her nephew to marry her friend's daughter"
"Do you know her?!"
"No" she laughed.
"Okay, how about that guy in the black shirt there?"
"She looked at Pete" Caught him looking away. He looked slightly... irritated. It wasn't like Pete to be be irritated. He was always composed.
"Time up" he buzzed her back. "Lonely guy, who came to talk to a girl, but unlike me, didn't have the courage to?"

She raised one eyebrow at him. Smiling suspiciously. Pete placed his glass down with a loud clank. She raised her other eyebrow as well, this time.

"Oops, you think my staring might have offended him?"
"Nah, he probably gave up on her like you said, or is going to come over and pound on you" She laughed.
Noticing her slightly distracted, he just smiled and didn't say anything.
Though she happened to be in the same place as Pete once in every month or so, they had a comfortable distance between them. Today surprising, she wondered about him. About why he looked irritated. Irritation that was tamed back as quickly as it was shown. She had always wondered where he stored all his real emotions. Maybe there. She let it pass and she picked up her drink again.
Last sip.
She looked up and smiled at him. he was also nursing an empty cup.
"So..." she began.
"Want to go get some dinner?" He smoothly finished.
"I'd love to" She found that she actually was looking forward to it. He was refreshingly frank.

When he looked away, she quickly keyed in brown eyes, and shut her net-book.
As she got up and and packed her bag, and got ready to leave, he grinned, put out his hand and said;

"I'm Jacob by the way"

Out of Focus - Missed Memories

Do you know that feeling that you are staring at one thing so hard, that everything else around it becomes a blur? And at the end, you don't even register what you were staring at, because it was just an object that you last saw, before tuning out completely.
I'm like that.
I hate to admit it, but at the moment, FB is my only connect to the outside world. The world which was once mine. Yup, I've become that person.
The person who is way too comfortable being all by herself, with limited human contact.
I suddenly see pictures of moments I missed. Memories I must have made for myself. Not just look into the pictures with others in it. Weddings I missed, birthdays I missed.
Its like sitting in a bus stop, staring at a faraway twig - blanked out. And suddenly, you refocus, just to see the bus you had been waiting hours for, leaving... too far to run to it. The bus probably honked when he was at the stop. But I was too out of focus to notice.
I find myself shaking my head desperately, trying to become .... me again. But the blank buzz is a comfortable place to be. Even my most impulsive actions - like just taking off at 2 PM yesterday afternoon, and booking tickets for a trip by myself, seems normal and acceptable. Its like living in a parallel universe where I just do what I want. Within some imaginary boundary, but I don't know where it is. Just that, outside it is where I am a social person again.
Life's funny. You cut off the social contact, restricting it to a bare bone minimum, and everything changes. Its like the form of existence changes.
I wish I had gone to her wedding. I wish I had gone to his wedding. I wish I had called her on her birthday.
For tuning out like this, on their special days, I have no excuses. None at all. It'll probably hit me hard when I get back into social life and meet them.

For now; Hey ! Doesn't that twig have a really unusual shape ?!

Mid night, White night.

Another midnight post 

Don’t we just love those!

It’s 12: 20 AM, and I just got myself a snack from the kitchen. Why is that even a point worth mentioning? Because the kitchen window was… is open and earlier tonight I saw some white light reflected on some leaves or something through it. Why does that matter? Rewinding a bit: Because I say a portion of the movie “The Eye” yesterday.

Still not making any sense to you right? Understandable that.

Toing toing toing: Rewinding a lot more: I don’t do scary movies. The scariest movie I’ve ever watched is a movie called shock. Even in that, I think I saw the ghost just once. The rest of the time, it’s either the music or my sister telling me when I should have my eyes tightly shut, and when I can watch the movie.

So “The Eye” starring Jessica Alba, is a movie about a girl who gets an eye transplant, and … no points for guessing… starts seeing dead people, ghosts and the like. All scary movies have a ghost signature – colours: white or black mostly. And other ghostly things (Parts when my eyes are definitely shut) – mirrors, sounds in the dark (D’uh), empty rooms, empty passageways, photographs… cameras … ok okay, you get the drift (And I’ve started really creeping myself out here!!!)

The Eye, (in the first 20 minutes) had the trade mark girl dressed in white, long black hair (Shudder).

Toing toing toing: Present!

So yes, now you know why I considered myself very brave for going in there, and getting my snack. Despite knowing the window is open. I looked out, and remembered that back when I was a student in the hostel, we used to roam on the streets around the hostel all night. And that was soo much fun. Even now, the night is … will always be dear to my heart. With all of its mystery…

Why am I rambling? Because its June now.

No more my birthday month. No more the month I gave myself to think and make a ton of decisions. It’s the month to take action! The decisions have been made. But I was so objective about it, that I spent very little time on it. So, they obviously haven’t sunk in. Besides, I’ve realized that I can support myself financially – freelancing for a while. So the pressure has greatly decreased.

Normally, New Year begins with fresh expectations and a clean slate and all, but I give myself till May to wrap things up nicely. Now May is over. June it is. Blessed June; which always brings with it a ton of emotions and guaranteed mood swings.

Mood swings + Less working hours + Me = Bad …terrible terrible combination!

Anyways, what will be will be. Doing a bit of travelling this weekend. Mini trip. Going to keep myself occupied a lot. Did I tell you that I’ve been experimenting with cooking? And obviously, I’ll keep you updated on all that happens on the flip side!

Still dreaming,

Someday’s Dreamer