It's midnight...
My writing now has more to do with my brain not working, and very little to do with the stray thoughts that are passing in it anyway.
I caught up with a friend after quite a while today.
She's.... living life. Travelling... decent job... super professional life... happening personal life... constantly changing emotions.
She really is living.
And I?
I'm watching.
I was jealous for all of 3 seconds after 15 minutes of uncontrollable laughter at myself after reviewing both our lives. We both went to all girls schools, same college, same coaching institute, co ed post grad colleges, and we're both working for almost 2 years now.
Theoretically, it looks like almost the same experiences right?
Practically... I went, did all that and got back home. She went, did all that, made truck loads of friends, and more memories.
It's crazy I tell you.
Watching her, I know I could have had a much more happening life.
Neither of us could answer "why" I don't.
But then... my life, with all the dramas - virtual, books (Yes Eragon, I know you're giving me meaningful dead pan sarcastic looks, I will get around to finishing you and all of the others...someday!), the dresses I design, the stuff I stitch ... is that all I do ?!?!??! Oh yeah, and work and study!
Sheesh... why am I sounding more like a 2D story book character?
Last year, around the same time ...I was job hunting, getting over a major ego bruise, restless, still caught up in past tangles... and lonely.
All I wished for then was to be content. Not ecstatic.. just content.
Now I am.
But then again, I'm not lonely one bit ! I'm single and content.
Cleaning up my friends list. Got clear idea of what I want and don't want in my career.
And there's this strong ... pyramid builder attitude.
God knows where all that patience came from... but there seems to be some sort of calming force within.
I'm making each block, cleaning the surface and polishing it, setting it just right before moving to the next one. And checking the state of each block as I place the others.
The base is not yet complete. Everyone knows, once the solid base is in place, the rest will automatically set itself.
The cleaning is making me all calm and composed.
Am I scared of myself?
Sometimes I wonder...will I become someone I don't know?
:) I don't think so... just that one part of me is getting slightly bored. But she knows why we're doing this now. So the occasional 3 seconds of jealousy .. when I see committed friends, or people at work giving it their all even when they have no idea what the bigger picture is... doth flash by. That's good though...ensures I don't get too complacent and get stuck at one block.
Too tired to sleep
Too sleepy to type
Current song running in my head: A thousand years by Christina Perri.
"How to be brave, when I'm afraid?
....One step closer..."
I should be more careful of what I wish for though ;)
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4 comments:
Welcome to theub of club of wondering, "What if?". But that never helps, does it?
Depends on your idea of 'helps' right?
Wondering is always a good way to explore a sliver of the infinite possibilities, so we can plan better for next time - wot say ?
Hello. I just came by this blogpost through indiblogger. Great writing. I could relate to what you were feeling. We all have been through it. We seem stuck at times when others are speeding past us. Only later on we understand that this time we had for ourselves was so useful and necessary.
Don't judge anyone to be happy just because their lives looks like they are happy...You never know..They may have more problems than you ever would have...
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