Do you remember when we were kids, and tiny?
We got rides off all kids of things, trolleys, push carts, boxes! and the best of the lot, piggy backs of our parents and grandparents. It looks cute, and I'm sure awesome fun!
Somehow (I wonder if I'm getting too old!) I don't remember those days too well. Just very vague flashes.

You know how everyone has this perfect-romantic-moment-dream? Mine's been walking hand in hand along the beach, pants folded up, and then being swept away, literally.
Lately, there's been another. (Yes, I admit it, it's thanks to the many Korean dramas I've been watching) Its to be carried piggy back. This is not so much for the romance like the other. A piggy back ride, to me, is something that depicts how much someone cares. To actually carry !! :)

The last time I was offered one, I declined, because I was way too sleepy. (And regretted it for a very long time :P )

Today, For the first time (in my memory) I got a piggy back ride :D
(remembers, jumps about doing a little yaayy dance!)
Guess who gave it to me?
.
.
.
Did you?
.
Nope, not my dad!
.
.
It was my tiny little sister !!!
She's tiny, as in, not just 6 yrs younger than me tiny, but size 0, petite tiny !
And she gave me the piggy back ride :D

Ok, we've got a bit of flash back to cover.
Me and my sis had a bit of a tiff a couple of weeks back, and we entered a cold war. The ice had started thawing only a few days back. With bouts and spurts of talking, followed by silences. (Yeah, the argument was kinda serious) So today, my dad, sis and I went for a nice yum Italian dinner, and then we headed off to the beach. It was like life long friends catching up after a fight, where your trying to fill each other in on everything that happened in between. Which, it was exactly.

Though she objected in the beginning, saying she had assignments, my sister to the bone, she lost herself to the sea. Today's trip was really REALLY awesome !!!

For about half hour, we just lay on the sand and star gazed. She was the first, so she got a hankie for her hair. I lay on her stomach and my dad on my leg. Happy triangle, star gazers.
We found santa's sleigh, a helicopter, small dog, big dog, piggy, and of course the 'bunnnyyyyy' who's ear sadly disappeared too fast.
Frog dissection was discussed in detail. Football positions... (Both me and my sister being football players, and my dad a hockey player)
Beach "sundal" was passed around carefully and after we'd bitten quite a few chilies, we finally got up.

It started with me offering her a piggy back ride, because honestly, I wanted to see if I could do it.
After a bit of starting trouble, she was on and we were off :D
It's actually much easier than I expected !!! and a lootttaaa fun.
Once we'd walked quite a bit, she got off and offered to give me a ride. Ok, Ok... I coaxed her into giving me one. But I backed off like a good sister, knowing I was 10 pounds heavier ;)
She, all riled up by then, insisted, and we tried.

First I thought it would be impossible. Then she managed a super wobly 4 steps. And I quickly gt off, afraid I'd break her. She came up with a strategy, and soon, we were walking ...or she was piggy backing me! It was AWESOME !! *Chincha daebak!*
She managed it sooooo coolly!
The next 20 mins saw a little girl and a big girl alternatively giving piggy back rides to each other along the water.
We laughed and laughed. Even fell over, of backward a few times. Tried jumping, and every piggy back trick possible :D And laughed and laughed !

Absolute fun :D

I'm pretty sure I'll try this again, when my hands starts functioning again  :P
The football player is all strong and happy and fine :)

I've always wanted a piggy back ride, and turning down that offer on the beach long ago in April, I thought I'll never get a chance for a piggy back ride again. (I actually was scared my friend would never be able to pick me up or drop me because of how heavy I am) But with my sister, I never had the embarrassment factor. I'm quite sure, that in all the diff people I had a imagined a piggy back ride with (list rampant with celebrity crushes :P ) I never once thought it would be my tiny little sister who finally fulfilled that wish!
Kinda awesome in a way. I've got her back and she's got mine :D

Among the many things in this world that I'm happy and thankful for at this moment, My sister tops the list.

I think... hope, now that I know how it works, that someone else (someone special ;) ) will give me a piggy back ride one day. But I am very very glad, my first piggy back memory is with my sister :D

Tiny Little Things

I'm not fond of the cold. Air conditioning at 30 degrees has me shivering at office.
My team mate, with whom I share a cabin, is one of those characters who wonders if the temperature can be further reduced from 16 (the lowest). Nevertheless, he's always sweet enough to let the temperature remain at 30 degrees.
Still, I grab the opportunity, every time he steps out, to quickly turn off the AC.
And make sure I switch it on when he gets back.

Its for this reason that we take breaks at different times. So he can have the temp. at 16 when I'm not there, and I can be happy with AC turned off when he's not there.

There are those rare rare moments, when I come back from a break to find the AC switched off.
Times when he probably forgot to turn it on. It makes so happy to enter the cabin when it's so nice and perfect. Lingering cold, with no freeze factor.

When this happens, I quietly, almost reverently tip toe to my seat.
From then on, I move slowly. Careful not to alert him to the AC turned off.
Type softer. Click as quiet as electronically possible. Make no sudden movements.
It's like a mini mission: "Mission AC staying turned off".
People passing by would probably be wondering why is this girl moving so cautiously :P

It's super fun actually. Every passing moment seems like a victory strengthened.
And a little temperature fairy doing a jive inside my head.

The Air Conditioner is turned off now, and I am typing very slowly!

Tiny little things that make life more fun and adventurous ;)

Ten Thousand Fireflies ^.^

Ok, I'm all happy happy now.
And yup slightly jobless too.

I just wanna go fill some place with happy.
Or may be just .. balloons, petals, flowers, streamers, confetti... anything that spells happy.

So I thought I'll come here and list a few things that absolutely thrill me :D

1. Kiddy pools.
    I LOVE water. I probably was a water animal last birth. But I dunno how to swim :P So kiddy pools , wave pools water falls pool, shallow ponds, lakes and streams have me grinning like a 5 year old with too much candy.

2. Chocolate
    Dark chocolate, slightly melted, licked off the wrapper.
Snickers. You've heard of rose tinted glasses? These bars of heaven are mine. Aaahhhh... the bliss within each crunchy bite :D

3. Chocolate ice cream
    With crushed nuts, chocolate brownie and chocolate sauce. Forget the world, just eat dark choc ice cream. Ferrero Rocher flavoured to make it all the better.

4. Drizzle
    Rain, lightning and Thunder. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee !!!!!!!

5. Stationery shopping
    New notebooks. Hand made paper. Pristine white paper. Black ruled sheets. Ruled sheets. Drawing notebooks. Scrap books. Pencils. Pens. Picking each after going through a 100. Especially these days, when I find a rare occasion that I can actually buy one of those with no guilt. Knowing I'm going to use it and why.

6. Singing on the top of my voice.
7. Speeding on the highway, music blaring
8. Saturday morning - Followed by jam packed laughter filled weekends.
9. Being tucked into bed. Someone covering me up in the morning, when its not time to wake up yet.
10. Tight hugs :)

September

A month of discoveries and reconciliation.

I know I'm only half way through the month. But I made a lot of progress retrospection and introspection wise.

Very happy with myself :)

I even texted and emailed a few people I hadn't kept in touch with.

OK, 2 people. 

Still, big step for me ok !

Fireflies, the song is running through my head :)

At work, everything is goin haywire. Most around me look worried about whats going to happen. But I'm fine. Inner emotional state not bothered by such a big shake in stability. I've got back up plans. Again. 

My 9 months of hermit living, with no aim, no back up plans, no dreams and goals are slowly wrapping up.

I think by the end of 2011, I might have gone through a full round of mid life (early onset) crisis and self discovery.

Even if I don't, I'm just happy that I'm finally facing up to what I was denying ;)
(Told you so moment for many out there? ;) )

So now, I gotta go re build a few bridges I left abandoned and ponder over a few others.

I've also got to sort through my dreams and arrange them in outdated, expired, still usable, to be dreamt in more detail - folders.

All together, September as a month is how I am even physically right now; Queasy, uncomfortable, dizzy in bouts and mostly...weirdly high on air!

Adios ! ^.^

P.S.: I love y'all !! and hugs :D

I figured it out

I figured it out.
Can't say I finally figured it out, because the realization struck almost out of the blue.
I'd been looking for answers of 2 big questions. Which became 4 last Saturday.
The 4th one, triggered by a very current event in my life... which kinda helped me piece together everything.
It was remarkable, the way it all fell into place.

If I had written this last Saturday night, I probably would have let you in on the secret.
But the dots connected, and the tears started flowing. It was haywire. It was crazy. It was one wet pillow.

One of those things, when I just wanted to scream, "No... can't be. I'm so in control of everything happening. I'm so clued in on me. So how could this sneak up on me?!"

Roughly 4.5 years ago, I'd made a decision.
It was a conscious decision.
But I didn't...hadn't realized for an entire four and a half years that I had been unconsciously acting on that decision.
How could I have not known?

Last Saturday night, I felt like... I'd been roaming in circles for ages, lost sporadically... and then I went and switched on the lights, to find myself on the inside of a glass jar. Corked shut. Like those mini ships they make and seal. And with the light, came the sudden flash of memory of me, slowly crawling in, and sealing the entrance as tightly as I possibly could.

It's just that, back then, then ending seemed so close, so tangible. So big and real.
I was so wrapped by it all. That I thought and planned only for it.
I planned for the ending. Endings.
Making sure, it doesn't hurt. Me or others.
So I sealed myself shut.
Now, 4.5 years away, I realize that it's not in the itinerary for a good number of pages yet.

So, I've got to stop acting like I'm the last page. Or my story will never unfold as it should.

I told you I wouldn't explain it, but I did.

If you know me, and read this, and you're going "That's what I've been saying, Idiot!". Well... I know what you mean there. So many people have called me defensive. Even I knew.

But I didn't know why.

Makes all the difference from "Maybe that's the kind of person I am. Probably, this is how I deal with life. So cool." to, the current, "Oh! Crap!!"

Kindly refrain from 'I told you so's.

So now, I'm sitting in that bottle.
I pushed at the seal a couple of times. But just the realization can be quite exhausting, so I'm taking a break for now. So, the lights on. People can see me sitting in there again. Partially at least.
And a friend of mine has promised to help my pull out the seal from the outside.

So lets see how this goes...

Will keep y'all updated!

Stand in the rain

When there's no shoulder to cry on
When there are no arms to fly into

When something ...sometimes everything
Doesn't make any sense

When your head feels too heavy
For your own shoulders

When you don't know
Which direction to take take
Or.... just don't know.

When the next breath
Seems like a big chore

When you don't know
If not crying is because
There is no pain
or because,
you've not let yourself feel it.

When everyone seems to know
Where they are going
Why, when and for whom
And you have not a clue
None whatsoever

Except maybe a distant dream
A dream so distant
That you're not sure
If it's an ooollllldddd dream
or a dream for the distant future

When you're just laughing at yourself
And tears are flowing down anyway

Stand in the rain
Close your eyes
Let your tears drain
Momentarily severe ties

Stand in the rain
Close your eyes
You're anywhere you want to be
With anyone you want to see
You're never alone in the rain
You're surrounded by a million drops
Ready to cover up for your every sigh
Every tear
Every scream
Every lost dream

Stand in the rain
Just truth detain

Stand in the rain
Forget the pain

Stand in the rain
As peace re-reigns...

Stand in the rain
As time flies
Till you smile again
And sadness dies

Stand in the rain ...
Just stand in the rain.

Kimchi Smile :)

"Don't I know you from somewhere?"

Probably the cheesiest first liner right?

That was the first thing we said to each other.

I can remember it like yesterday,

It feels like light years ago.

So much has passed in between

So much we've grown

Long long ago,

Back in those days,

When we were still new to each other,

Probably the first week

I was sitting next to her,

And she was at the edge of her seat

Wishing desperately, that she was along the beach

Stopping someone from jumping into the sea.

Well, you can imagine what my first impression was

It was plain: 0.o !!!!!!!!!

Then we got to know each other a bit better

The next thing I remember about her is Tang.

There's always tang when I go to her place.

Funny thing to remember right?

The 2 years in between

When I was away

We kept touch in sporadically

One would expect a little rift

But it was was weird

It wasn't that distance made the heart fonder

It was the bridges we built that made us closer.

She forces me, and drags me to doctors (not an easy thing I tell you)

Yet, she's the one I call when I feel unwell.

She can scare the hell out of me.

When I'm down, and don't wanna talk, I can go and listen to music with her.

We dress up. We're girly girls. We're badass. 

Every time you ask her "How are you?" I get a super cheery "I'm fine! How you?"

I'll know she isn't, it used to bug me before, now I know she'll talk when she's ready.

She's the one who succeeded in converting my almost all black wardrobe to the now colourful one.

We write... with our own styles.

We deal with life... in our own ways

Our priorities... quite different. Except for maybe: Family first.

Our sense of humor... quite similar

Our tastes ... first strikes as very different, but we end up rating the same. (Doesn't make sense unless you experience it :)

She's the one who looked at my orange shoes and went "oh so cute!"

She knows when I like someone, before I do. (It's super creepy I tell you)

We're so alike, and we're so different ... like 2 sides of a coin. In perfect harmony.

We've never gone through the same bad phase at the same time, but it has never hampered with our empathy for each other.

We all have a whole bunch of friends

A variety of them

To each of our friends, we are different

Our interactions our different

Some you meet and laugh about every silly thing

Some you can talk to 10 times a day, and still have something left to talk about

Some you can call and say "I'm crashing at your place tonight"

Some you can stay out of touch for months and years, 

         call back and talk like you've never been apart

Some who have exact taste in music as you

Some who get your movie comments and jokes

Some you can go shopping with

Some you can go on long lazy walks with

Some you can discuss your crushes with

Some you can discuss your hobbies with

Some you have looooong philosophical discussions with

Few you can cry to

Few you dream with

Few you can comfortably sleep talk with

Few you can tell your deepest darkest secrets to

Few you can read your random poetry to

Few you can have hour long conversations with, covering topics with a range that most universities wouldn't be able to! 

Few, you think about when something absolutely ridiculous happens, and you know only they'll appreciate the humour in that situation.

Very few you can share your paranoia with,AND be understood.

And a precious few who can accept you completely.

(Except maybe when you're wearing washed out brown :P )

We all have acquaintances, friends, good friends, best friends and soul mates.

I know we might have felt all this towards different people at different points of time.

Some for longer. Some shorter.

Do you know the feeling when you're in a party and you know absolutely no one?

To the extent that you wonder if you came to the wrong one...

You make small talk. You smile.

But you feel all alone, and wonder what on earth you're upto over there.

Then someone enters

and waves at you from all the way across the hall, trying to catch your attention.

You look, a smile spreads across your face.

You weave your way through

and it feels like you belong in the party now.

You're in the right place after all.

[Kimchi smile for every moment when you remember someone randomly, and just that memory makes you smile. Smile a kimchi smile, that leaves a residue smile on your face as you go about the rest of your day. Just like the comfortable taste Kimchi leaves behind.

Kimchi cheers :)]