1 AM

There's a song that's running on a loop in my mind.
It's Korean, so I have no idea what the translation of the bit that's playing itself right now is.
(I will promise you by Jang Geun Suk)
All I know is that it's a beautiful song, my current favorite, and the guy singing it was looking too damn serene when singing it. Singing to someone to trust him in taking the worries away.

It is not 1 AM now, it's broad day light.
But there's this feeling. One I can't seem to shake off. On and off for the past few days. At it's height last night, or this morning at 1 AM.

9 PM found me telling myself that I should sleep early, because I have to go into work early tomorrow.
9.20 PM found me starting a fresh new KDrama. I'd finished one of those just yesterday morning. I normally                             spend a few days listening to the songs before starting another, if I want to. But not yesterday.
11.00 PM: Wishing it was some one's birthday today, so I'd have a reason to stay awake.
11.58 PM: Drama going fine, and I'm calling my friend who's birthday was yesterday, just to wish him last on   his b'day. Guess the dude was luckier than me in being able to fall asleep.
12:00 AM: I put my phone away, reminded myself (yet again) that I should go to sleep. I drank water, came back and continued watching.
12:45 AM: Eyelids drooping, but I don't want to stop watching. So I do the one thing that might make me stop. This is something I do ONLY with KDramas - Watch the last scene of the last episode. The ones I watch always have a happy ending. I did that, forced myself to turn it off after.

I then sat there at the edge of my bed for God knows how long, in the dark, staring at the floor.

I wish I knew who controlled time. If only I could persuade her/him to let me take a sneak peak at the last scene of my last episode, I'll know what to expect . May be that'll give me the hope and inspiration to find the best possible way to get there.

My only nightmares have dogs in them, and they occur only after particularly adrenalin raising encounters with that species. So I knew I didn't have nightmares to worry about.
Yet I couldn't sleep. Not that I couldn't fall asleep, more that I didn't want to.
So I stared at the floor.

I did eventually make myself sleep. I woke up an hour before my alarm rang.

Life feels like that right now.
Like I'm sitting in the dark, barring the dim light from the air conditioner.
Not wanting to sleep, not wanting at all, so much so that I'd rather just stare at the floor.
I didn't even care about shadow patterns or trying to identify shadow people. It was a trivial hassle that held no meaning anyway. Just like there was no possible identifiable reason for not wanting to sleep.

I will promise you

Don’t sit there and cry, hold my hand
I will protect all of you
I won’t leave you alone, as an outsider
Because I have your heart in my heart
I want to understand your sadness
I just want to express the warmth

Don’t sit there and cry, look at my eyes
Tell me all your old memories
Erase everything that should be forgotten
I’ll always stand here for you
I want to understand your sadness
I just want to express the warmth

I will promise you
I will keep the promise because it’s you
I’ll protect you
I’m always in front of you
Oh, I’m here

No matter how many times,
it’s okay to restart
Don’t doubt that precious dream

I will promise you
I will keep the promise because it’s you
I’ll protect you
I’m always in your mind
Oh, I’m here

Forget all the sorrows and take my hand
I will protect all of you
I won’t leave you alone, as an outsiderBecause I have your heart in my heart

That's the translation of the song that's running in my head. Its from the drama I finished yesterday.

It ended wrong. She ended up with the wrong guy. But she was fine, in the drama.

I don't feel lost. I have absolutely no clue about where I am. I have even lesser of an idea of how to to get out of here. But I know I consciously took the wrong turn at some point. A point I cannot return to, as it no longer exists, so I can't go back, and go the right way. So I'm stuck here. Unable to even feel lost, because I brought myself here.

This wouldn't be that big a deal, probably. It probably would have just been Quitting at the wrong moment, or saying the wrong thing to the wrong person at the wrong time in the worst possible manner, or just a bad work situation, or just feeling sad because a friend went very very far away. If she had been here.

Hell, if she'd been here, she would have been the one who had urged me to quit, she would've been the one who had stayed by my side till I saw my project through, What I said, had I still chosen to say it, would have come out perfectly, and a friend leaving wouldn't have made me feel so left behind. 

But she isn't, and hasn't been for, what is, in 3 days going to be 4 years. 4 whole years.

I'm not perfect and shiny, but I'm not dark and twisty either. 

I am broken and terrified.

I used to be terrified of all the things that could go wrong, and of all the people who could hurt me by just simply walking away. Now I'm also terrified about how I will survive will all this insecurity, and fears. 

I've used up every last bit of hope I had a few months ago. I have nothing left except a friend who is far far away, a family to whom I can't show anything except my absolutely held together side, many many broken shards that I'm too exhausted to piece together again, a whole bunch of memories that are determined to haunt every waking and sleeping moment of mine and what feels like an ocean of tears that I can't shed even a drop of... because if I do, I'll break. The last bit of me I'm holding together without a choice, and with every last ounce of strength I have will crash. And there is no one to hold me together. No one.

I'm lonely... so so lonely.

And that last day I had with her keeps playing over and over again... 

They say there is this moment, after a person dies, when they look perfectly peaceful and you know you can let them go. Just for one moment. I didn't see that. I refused to. I refused to see her after they decided to move her from the bed that I lay her on. The bed she lay, looking just like she was sleeping. Those 3 days where there were more people around me than I can imagine, 3 of the haziest days, yet the memories are still so vivid. Conversations. People trying to comfort, saying the nicest and absurdest things, things I'll always remember, but they'll never have the impact. 

There was this point, that June, when I was so tired, that I wished that it get over already, so I could get on with life again. If I had had any idea that the pause would extend so long, I would at least have spared myself the pain of that wish. But she was in so much pain ...

I can't say 2007 was the worst year of my life, because it had her in it. I can't say the day she crossed over was the worst day of my life because I still did speak to her that day. I can't say any of the days that ensued immediately after were the worst because I still felt her then.

I don't feel her anymore. 

I don't feel anything too deep anymore.

I don't feel me right now.

I just feel a blank numbing emptiness that is pressing itself into the core of my being, onto every part of me, that all I can feel is the desperate need to shut down. Not sleep. Shut down. 

Like I said...This June was never going to be easy.

She didn't end up with the right guy, but she did end up with the guy who sang that song, so I think she'll be fine. (In case you're wondering who...that girl from the drama)