Every body's got something they have to leave behind, but what about those things that they should take up to go forward?
Just as difficult it is to leave something of yours behind, I feel it is equally difficult to embrace something alien as yours. Not always, but the big things... or the so called "completely new" things ...or the "unimagined".
I'm there now... Life's crossroads... All the cliches...
Not a girl, not yet a woman
Not a child, not yet an adult
Not a student, not yet a professional.
Not willing to let go completely, I know it isn't mine to hold on to, and not willing to take the plunge forward.
Ergo, I feel like I'm in a vacuum. It does have its advantages... I am currently free to do what I want, as I please. At the expense of having to face numerous questions about anything and everything, from everyone who's ever laid eyes on me on this planet, and pushes, shoves and nudges for me to take the next step.
Why can't they just let me be ?!?!?!?
Why God WHY ?????
Its not like I love it... I did, I loved, not anymore. Now I hate it. Because of "the looks". But I also hate what has to be equally if not more. Fear of the partially known ... when I was there briefly ... the plunge I took without thinking, and ran back to safety as soon as possible, I hated it. I hated the adult world. I hated the politics. I hated so many things, it made me want to run so fast.
Makes me want to run like the boogey man is chasing me.
So I now I stand again, at the edge of the board, as nervous as a chicken about to be slaughtered. Not a good feeling I tell ya.... My dream has and always will be to become a counselor at a school. I'm telling you now, so that, in case I forget...lost in the maze of adult responsibilities, remind me someday will you?
Remind me of how much I loved working with teens and what I once wanted long ago, when I still thought that the world was a beautiful and peaceful place to live in... when I not just dreamed of growing old faster, but thought that it would be the best part of life... teenage, when hope is well watered shoot, and wings are beginning to form.
For now though, I would be taking the plunge soon. Apparently I can't even say "Hold on to me and never let me go" like Nickelback, for "out there" (gulp*) you fend for yourself, and its a man eat man world, and I'm just a scared little girl (maybe not so little...but comparatively ). So I'm going to resort to another song, one of my favourites. (probably well quoted in this blog)
"Heart don't fail me now,
Courage don't desert me, don't turn back, now that we're here.
People always say: Life is full of choices,
No one ever mentions fear"
In-spite of the fear, I shall soldier on :)
Semper Fi :P
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