I'm writing this because I really wanted to talk to somebody ...

Those who care don't seem to be able understand what I'm going through, trying to tell them. Those who understand .... well I'm not sure if they care. And she who understood and cared isn't here with me now.

What do I want to say ? I don't know ... I sometimes wish that someone will just hold me and tell me it'll be ok, and mean it. I wish I knew what'll happen next, where I'll be next. I wish I knew if anyone truly cares enough to trust me completely. If they'll let me follow my heart. I wish I could get across a point without being sarcastic or hurt someone in the process. I wish a hundred other things.

But what I wish most is to be able to handle any situation I am in. Is that too much to ask ?

Am I too self centred and selfish ? Can I make one right decision ?!

What I wanted to say ... I'm shit scared. About what I will have to do next. Will I get in a university? Will I be able to do well there ? I ... the hostel, the guys, new friends, different place, far from home, different curriculum, whole new set of expectation.... will I stay in touch with my old friends ? I'm scared.

I'm scared I'll mess up everything everywhere. My relationships now, my exams that are coming and any chance of getting into a good university. Infact , I seem to have gotten a head start in that.

My anger is close to the surface. I just wanna scream and yell. I want to cry. I'm scared ...

Those dolls

You know... everytime I think "from now on, nothing can matter anymore", and I feel its true . But in months I'm back with some small thing that triggers me off so bad I wish I never had the power to feel. How can a doll someone collected be important when that someone themself isn't here anymore. Apparently, it does matter. Maybe because the little things, inconsequential at one point, are what's left now. The only things u can hang on to ... I can hang on to. Those dolls are ...were almost as old as I am. They were dancing dolls - 2 girls . She danced.

She really liked those dolls...

The ultimate end ...

What really is life or death ?

One day .... long ago , I made a list of the top five ways which I would prefer dying in. Now that list and a whole lot of other things make no sense . I might be living this life, but I definitely don't have much control in it. And without a doubt, I do not control the way I die. No one does. Even those who suicide.

What is death ? Is it painful ? How does if feel inside ? Is it scary ? Does one abruptly stop living, or is the transition slower ... like falling in water ? Where does one go after they are dead ? Is it a nice place ?

I want to write so much more ... anything at all . Anything that will take my mind of this . I used to be able to write what I felt . I haven't written anything for than 7 months now. I haven't felt anything for more than 7 months ... externally - I've been happy, sad, angry, irritated, and the other , so called normal feelings. Internally - I must've died sometime. I can't feel anything anymore. Not like I used to. Not the way one feels when it matters. When anything matters. This kind of death is ..... unnoticed ... like u suddenly notice that you're no more in your body.

When someone dies ... who is it about ? Is it about the person who dies ? Or the prople left behind ?

I know the concept of having a blog is to anounce yourself to the world. But I hope no one reads mine. Why am I still writing you ask ? I just wanted to talk to someone, this way, I can pretend someone's reading while hoping that no one does.

And also hoping ... may be just a bit, maybe a lot more than that ... that I'm not alive.