Dreams Vs. Reality

One cuppa cold chocolate

2012-01-22T12:29:00.000+05:30

Do you know those days when everything falls exactly into place?

When I found the blog template that finally appeals to me again.
When I wake up with a smile on my face
When the biggest concern is "To shop or not to shop"

When the cold chocolate is just chocolatey enough

Today is one of those days.

Its been exactly 3 weeks since the new year begun, and I've already gone through bumps and cruises in both my career and life at home. Everything I want to come here I and cry or jump with happiness, it just didnt happen.

But now, here I am again, with my cold chocolate a hands reach away.

I was watching the movie Super 8 yesterday, Spielberg hasn't done that great a job. But there was this one dialogue that got me thinking. Joe says, when she was there (his mom) "She used to look at me... like really look...like I existed"
Thats exactly the feeling I've been trying to explain for the past few years. Be it the bubble or the forest. The feeling that no one, after her seem to be able to really see me for who I am. So much so, that even when I look in the mirror I only see bits and pieces. Moms are amazing that way. The few days,.. weeks, I don't know how to say it - some dreams feel so real, I can't stop thinking about them, some bits of real life feel so hazy and unreal, I feel like I'm gliding right past them.
Big things, like missing a good friend's wedding, or the fact that another really good friend is going to be leaving my city soon is not sinking in. Just refusing to bother me, or create the impact it has to. Even my cousin's little newborn daughter, I still haven't called her, and its been 5 days! Small things like a paper askew, something on my workstation that doesn't belong to me, a calendar that someone flicked, my quilt are bothering me way more than they ought to.
Displacement?
In all probability.
Having a long cold war with my dad and sis after quite a while.
I don't know why it started, but I know exactly why it made me so mad and miserable, same reason why I won't be the first one to give in.

What I feel now...where I am is not like before. Now I'm aware. Awake.

2012
I'm finally able to distinguish between things I started disliking because of the trigger. And things I just dislike.

I no more have that major taboo against being missed or missing people. I'm not that girl who wanted to die, and not have anyone cry for her any more.

I still, really don't like it when people ..or a person keeps holding my hands or touching my hand or shoulder, however friendly the intention maybe. I'm a neat freak, and I think bacteria.
I am to a large extent a control freak, but only when the situation is ambiguous. If it is well defined, I do not try to control everything. In fact I don't even interfere, if the other person is confident of being able to do it.

I, surprisingly, like new things.
This one is new. Habit acquired over breaking another. I remember a point when I used to always want to sit at the same seat in that same restaurant, and order variants of the same type of food. Not anymore. I like trying new things. I love surprises. I'm okay when they back fire. I don't use that same plate all the time anymore. Or my same pillow. That basically means I'm over being in my comfort space. To the extent that a friend of mine laughs at me jumping at every new nice thing I see / feel or witness.

I still love photography.
I know it started of as a desperate need to cling on to memories. But now its more about angles, colours and of course lasting happy memories.

I don't mind being lead. In fact, I like it when some one's holding my hand and guiding me along.
There was a point, back in my full control days when I even hated riding pillion. Now, I have no problems with people telling me what to do, exactly how to do it, till the extent I don't even have to use my brain for something :P It's strangely fun. But of course I like using my brain, and do use it occasionally.

I LOVE food. Period.
Apart from boney fish and squishy sea food, I am game for anything.
As far as I am concerned, there really is no greater love than the love of food! The flavours, the aromas... and of course, I love chocolate. One snickers/ ferroroscher / fried ice cream, I'm in heaven. Ask Mish, she knows :P

I love travelling.
Be it just a long drive that leads to no where, or backpacking on my own. New people, new cultures, new terrains, I'm happy as a lark.

I still haven't found a place/ a group of friends or someone I feel like I completely belong to.
Pretty nomadic, happy child I am. I know I'm occasionally lonely, and feel left out. But... I have friends who like some parts of my quirks, and I'm chugging along. So it's not anything sad just yet!

I have a quick temper.
Something I thought I had killed over the past few years. But no. Luckily though (or unlucky for a very few), I show it only when I know I completely can.

I can be diplomatic.
Never thought I'd accomplish that one !

I am not confused anymore.
Not about my career. Not about my future. Not about my relationships. I understand them, and know when to stop analyzing something.

I'm still impulsive.

I still say whatever I feel, right then and there.
I've told myself not to, but then, if I don't, the people in my life won't know where they stand/ stood or will stand. So I guess I'll just keep doing it. May be stop myself occasionally, when I know its now needed at all. But all other times, I will. Decided.

I love the rain, starry nights, the ocean and Korean dramas (There, I've said it) and singing out loud (in or out of tune)!!

Finally, most importantly I am happy, and I am simple.
I've considered this long and hard, far and wide. There really is no way I can be a sad person. Its no fun. People have told me that they feel happy when they are around me, so there's no way I can be anything but a happy person. Of course there is the occasional tear, but who doesn't feel that. I am in general a happy person.
And I'm pretty simple and straightforward about who I am and what I like. How much simpler can a girl get? ;)

I know this was a long detailed post about me.
This is more the base person I am. After the bubble period, lost period, soul searching, self definition searing - I found who I am.
I probably never would have ever done any of this if it weren't for the Psychology I did, and am doing, and the MBA which made me question everything about me. But the storm is over now :)
And my cold chocolate is still cold.
So off I go !

Cheers *.*

Heaven Up There

2012-01-11T19:13:00.001+05:30

HOLA PICOLA !!!!

My first post in 2012 :D

And before I continue , Need to make special note to the fact that this blog featured in the Newspaper!

Oui my babies, we're famous :D

Okay, dont have much time in hand - So firstly - HAPPEEE New year :D

And I'm here again for one of the few reasons that always have me running here.
Wanna take a guess ?

Rain !!

:)

The rain today looks exactly like how the Blog Template is.
Sudden, wild and brilliant. And I was grinning like the earth just kissed me :D

So we moved into this new office premises, and the roof top has red clay tiles... and the smell of it as rain hits ..omo! Heavenly !
I know if there is a heaven, it rains there a lot, and at least smells like it.
I have tons to tell you and and truck loads happening, and I want to gush out everything right now. But ... I know the year beginning and of course our new found fame need dedicated posts. So I shall refrain - like I refrained from running into the rain coz I had to go back into my office.

Loving 2012.

(The first rain of 2012 was on Jan 1st morning- awesome kick off or what!)

Signing off now,

Still the imaginative realist,
Rain luurrrvvvvver,

Always yours truly,

Someday's dreamer.

Things to leave behind with 2011

2011-12-03T15:32:00.000+05:30

1. Short temper - After 3 years of control, its creeping back into me ! Fight fight fight !!!
2. Impatience
3. Impulsive outbursts
4. Talking without thinking through, without thinking through consequences (Especially in my personal life!)
5. Ego and Selfishness

Drive in the rain

2011-11-17T18:37:00.003+05:30

One of the things I've always wanted to do was go for a long drive, music blaring, along the coast, in the rain.
Now that I've done it, I know I'm always going to keep wanting to every time it rains!
It was one of the best days of 2011. I know I've had a few good ones and few bad ones this year, but I'm pretty sure that day will make it to the top 10 good ones, if someone's keeping track!

Just for the sake of memory; Date: 29th October, 2011.

It all started, like many good things do, one rainy day. There was thunder, there was lightning, every element which mother nature uses to express herself in, in all of its glory. We got talking or chatting online... when I said I wish I were at the beach. One thing led to another, and before we knew it an offer to drive to the near by coastal attraction was made and accepted with complete glee. A date was fixed. Plan sealed XD

I'm a very insecure person. When the day arrived and I had received no call or text confirming the drive, I was certain that it was going to be cancelled. But, when the rain came down, I knew I had to at least try! I sent a tentative text, and got a reply that dismissed all my doubts, with the time of departure. I know it probably had nothing to do with the rest of the day, or actually leaving.
But when I'm in doubt, especially when I suspect a possible rejection, my first reaction, almost instinctively is to reject first and run. That's probably what I would have done, had it not rained that morning.
So you see, small act of faith was a big step for me :P

With all of Lady luck favouring us, we set off. The route that we took was the more round about one, which meets the coast a little later than the other route. I must admit I was more than just a tad bit disappointed in the beginning. I was nevertheless determined to be happy- long time dream coming true na! And boy am I glad that we went that way!!!

That's when the rain started :)

The road wasn't the best, but it was one of those tree-y roads, yunno? With big trees forming an arch way all along the way. That road ended in another road which was pretty with bright yellow flowers along the center and foresty growth on either side. It felt like it was right out of some Enid Blyton novel! I was all but jumping. The specially bright green, and that pleasant chill which only a consistent slight drizzle can create.

The music was pleasant, though my constantly changing the song within 8 seconds of it starting might have tested the patience of even a saint :P

The road suddenly cleared, and we were surrounded on both sides by the wide expanse of a lake. I felt like Anne of green gables, stepping into my backyard - of the house of dreams. It was beauutiful !
Buildings were so far away, and so tiny, like they belonged to a different world, the same world I had left my worries in.

That road, driving on it, at one point having my hand out in the drizzle and letting the cool wind blow on my face... the highway with the squiggles, the green arch way, the forest path, the lake road ... that one long stretch, was one of those places that could make one truely happy. Just plain keep-grinnin kinda happy. Not thoughtful, not just content, but ":D" happy. I loved it !

Soon, the road came to an end with us joining the coastal road. I regretted leaving the road that I had initially regretted taking, like life's many ironies. Glad I got to witness it on that day in all of its glory though :)

Getting back on the familiar coastal road was like coming to a home away from home. I almost know it by heart. And just when I was getting all smug about being on "my turf", we turned into - Tiger's Cave. One of those places that I've always crossed, but never been to. It was truly a discover. You could say there wasn't much there, but there was enough for me. An old abandoned rock temple project, 2 stones that were oddly placed, lush lawns, trees and a beautiful drizzle that can make a crowded street feel like a movie scene!

The place was really beautiful though :) One of those tucked away wonders. It had a small entry to the beach, and I obviously wanted to go!

A few shells and a Kulfi later, we set off again.
This time, focus on the Final Destination: Mahabs!

The drive to mahabs after the break went much faster and smoother.
My request for lunch was shot down with an "after the shore temple! Its not raining now, so we should go"

We stepped out, 3 steps, and drizzle became a gentle rain...10 steps... rain became a shower.
"Maybe we should get an umberella..?" my friend asked tentatively.
Which I obviously shot down with a "Hell no, isn't this what you wanted ?!" Impish grin spread all over my face. Even so, we dashed for cover in a small curios shop. The nice lady there gave us a plastic cover to place cell phones and cameras in. Once I knew that was secure, my attention ...or rather my distraction was randomly refocusing.Bang opposite to us were a couple of gypsies, holding umbrellas, but their wares - glass beads, left out in the rain.
I'm not sure I will ever find the right words to describe the feeling and the beauty associated with looking at colourful glass beads displayed in the rain. And the ecstacy that accompanied running across the street in the pouring rain to check them out. May be it was my cheery poncho, maybe it was just the absolute happy smile on my face - everyone seemed to have a smile for me.
I shopped, my sweet friend paid :P
Provided I wore my gypsy-y beads. I obliged happily!

The one...one and a half hours that followed will forever in my memory be one of the most peaceful times I've ever spent. The shore temple, which I had last visited when I was about 10 years old, was just what the name said - a stone temple along the sea shore.
What adds to its charm is that it is an unfinished temple.
The builder, the king who beckoned the temple to be built had a fight half way through and all construction was stopped. Rumour has it that the builder ran away with the king's daughter - the princess of the land.
The temple has been well preserved across the centuries, and is as..if not more beautiful today as the day it was built.
(My Light house obsession)

There is a word in Tamil called 'Saaral'.
Saaral refers to a mild spray ... a kind of rain. Which is lighter than a drizzle. Where each drop is miniscule and sweetly cold as it falls on our faces.
There was a lovely saaral though out our time there.
That place had some beautiful memories. Memories I have from photographs. A picture, where my sister looks absolutely adorable sitting on a stone cow, and grinning ear to ear was from there. I realized that when we saw it there, and that made me all the more happier.

My friend was forced to conquer a slight fear of heights, and join me in sitting atop another one of the many stone cows surrounded the temple. We looked at people, watched water falling from a higher surface to a lower one, stared at the ocean, smiled at the kids playing at a distance.
everything was so peaceful in my heart right then.

We left happily. Satiated with the peacefulness.
Towards food!

A longer ride, and a little bit of desperation (for food of course) from my end ensued.
Funnily enough, with my desperation, the intensity of the rain increased.
Making me feel like the rain queen :P

Amazing lunch with invigorating conversation followed.

Yummm native food :)

The ride back was quiet. The comfortable quiet, with music :)

It continued to drizzle on and off for the rest of the journey :)

Fade away

2011-11-17T17:19:00.001+05:30

Sing me to sleep
I am tired
I want to go to bed
And sleep a dreamless sleep ....

For an hour
For a day
Maybe more
May I fade away?

People ask me questions,
I stare
I really don't know answers
I'm sorry

For an hour
For a day
Maybe more
May I fade away?

People tell me things
I politely look interested

Glad I don't have to process anything

Do I want to cry?
Do I feel sad?
Do I want to be happy again?

Do I just want to sleep?
I don't know...
Just don't.

If you leave me alone,
And walk away
I will stay as quiet as I am
In the same place
Move not a muscle
No smile on my face

Will I fade away?
May I fade away?
And disappear all together...

Choices,
Decisions
Ones that ought to be made
Ones that were made already
Ones that are being made
Feel heavy in my head

For an hour
For a day
Maybe more
May I fade away?

People smile
I smile back,
Because I know I should
But the smile fades away faster than a bubble breaking
There was nothing in it

There are things I have to do
There are things I want to do
There are things I can do

They would have to wait

For an hour
For a day
Maybe more
May I fade away?

May I please just fade away?

It's Raining !!! :D

2011-11-17T10:19:00.001+05:30

That's the text I sent out to half a dozen of my friends at 5: 30 AM, this morning.
It's raining again after almost a 2 week dry spell this monsoon. It couldn't have come at a better time!

Yesterday was a bad day at work.
I am still proud of the fact that I didn't break into tears right in the middle of the meeting.
The fact that I am proud of such a thing, probably doesn't say much about my maturity. No matter what my friends say, as far as the professional world is concerned, I am as immature as the day I first stepped into MBA, and blinked at people as they spoke about OPM.

As I look through my back door, there, just beyond the grill is a sprig of green leaves - a beautiful, fresh, washed out green which only rain can bring, bent a bit over- again because of the rain! Against the white wall of the house behind mine. It looks almost picture perfect. Makes me wish everything in life was that beautiful, and straight forward.

Too simplistic?
I guess... But sometimes, I just wish it were.

Then again, I'm happy that no matter how hard or crazy life seems, a small (or big) shower of rain can bring a smile to my face again.
So much so, that today morning, after a turbulent work-dreamy night, I woke up to the sound of rain.
I was so excited, I wanted to run out, and say
"I have struggled in vain, but I can contain myself no longer. I need to tell you how ardently I admire and love you"
So much for water falling from the heavens, you ask? Well .. ;)

Hoping you find your happy thing too !

Happy rainy day :)

Wails of a wind flower

2011-11-09T17:39:00.001+05:30

Every season comes to an end
Yet she knows she'll bloom again
Bloom... Send fragrances across the land
Pride
Vanity
Simple happiness
Then the wilting begins
Sometimes slowly
Many times abruptly
Painful all the time
She wishes she never bloomed
Why, to wilt so brown?
True, the wind felt good
True, swaying merrily felt like it was worth it
But every season seems to end
Sometime or the other
With or without a closure
The need to go underneath and hide there
Engulfs her
As she goes about doing something or the other
Knowing full well that no one will notice her
Poor wilting, wailing wind flower.

Swing in the rain

2011-11-04T20:35:00.001+05:30

I went on a mini vacation a short while ago. A time off, towards a place that had rain.
My aunt's place.

Apart from the fact that they have a beeuutttiifffuuulll home, my aunt- whom I can really talk to, 2 lovely kids who love me ;), one of the main reasons I love going over is because they have a Balcony which is semi covered with a thatched roof, and surrounded by plants. It commands a lovely view of a eucalyptus trees swaying like curtains in front of a wide open field.

Do you have a happy place in your mind?

A place where you imagine yourself just quietly sitting, a reading a book maybe?

I have a few, the big leaved tree at school that overlooks the play area - when I'm drawing or reading a book, the beach, where I'm singing or writing in my net book, driving in a car - top speed, high way, music blaring... or sitting on a swing, and many more.

So this time, when I went to my aunt's place, I was ultra delighted as they had a new swing installed in that balcony! Imagine my delight :D
Even though I couldn't sit out there on the first day, I fantasized about sitting there the next day (Yes, these are the kind of things I fantasize about.), reading my book, and watching/ smelling the eucalyptus sway in the rain.
The next day came, I was free, I got my book out and got all set to go and read, swinging along while listening to the rain. What I hadn't factored in was the presence of 2 kids home. I thought they would quietly study in their study time. I guess I've been a grown up way too long, because I clearly should have known better. I hadn't been there 3 seconds before I heard 2 sets of feet running up the stairs screaming my name, with "Where are you?!?!?"s like I had disappeared. Well, aged 7 and 11, I should have known :)
The book was kept aside, music played instead.
And there was one little boy with a head firmly lodged on my lap, making himself comfortable, and a little girl, sitting in front of my, explaining a mile a minute about the Arabic princess who was getting kidnapped in the 'super' green car.
It was soooo NOT quiet. If there was a thing called anti quiet, this was it! They were screaming, shouting and moving way too fast. But it was peaceful, and we laughed so much! I was hugged a million times, and my attention was wanted and I felt precious. A swing in the rain, with a book might feel perfectly peaceful in our heads, but a swing in the rain, with 2 kids is much more perfectly perfect. I never expected to love it so :)

Next time, when I'm in my peaceful place, in my head - I might just have a 7 year old boy lying on my lap and trying to get the swing moving in crazy directions with his legs, and I'll not have a smile on my face. Just a grin.

Swing in the rain :)

An Ode To The Rain That Lost Its Way

2011-10-18T14:05:00.001+05:30

Somewhere, at this moment, a storm is brewing. And there kneels a little girl, on a couch, her face pressed eagerly on the glass window. She looks up at the overcast skies, which might break open any moment now. Lightning and thunder rock the skies. She smiles as the first drop falls. She watches as the rain falls free. The smile slowly turning into a grin, as a whiff of the rain scent reaches her. I wish I were next to her right now, helping her open the window just a crack, as we let the rain fall on our finger tips.

Na honjadugo Kaji maa

2011-10-16T14:03:00.000+05:30

One dinner conversation ...
New habits, and the forced end of them visible in the near future.
Jealousy
Upcoming change, and the accompanying uncertainty
E mail conversations that seem to be getting nowhere
Luck
The lack of it
Something I want to be, the same thing I cannot be
Conversations with old friends... so different from before
Change
The lack of it

A old feeling resurfacing
Too familiar for comfort
Easier to recognize
Harder to fight now

I defy it nevertheless

How long will I fight it?
How long will I have to fight it?

I did something stupid
Facing consequences
The mask I had is cracking
But no one can even see than mask

Far far away
Running on and on
Closed eyes
Red fields
Seat hidden in green, high above, among the clouds

I fight that bad feeling
I make myself get out and stay out of it
It's found new ways to find me too

Should I just give in?

No wait,
Giving in is not an option anymore.
For the same reasons the feeling creeps up in the first place

The fear
The symptoms
The cure, which the primary fear kills

Interesting if you look at it objectively, like a math equation
It all adds up just right.

Only, a balanced equation is unfortunately not the same as balanced emotions.

And you won't even rain...
Revenge for May?
Or because I said I won't mess with it anymore?
Mulla... I wish I did
I wish I knew how to make it rain again
It somehow feels like if it did,
Some parts of this confusion will be washed away

I remember the last time I wrote like this...
Do I laugh or sigh?
I brought it on myself
Nan papoya
Geogieganeum ge ani eoss-eo
Anyway, that is the least of my problems right now

Please rain

How do you know

2011-10-14T14:25:00.002+05:30

Dear everyone,

How have you been?
Is it raining where you are?

I watched a movie yesterday, 'How do you know' (Yup, that's the name of the movie) ... I think it is supposed to be about - How do you know if you're in love. The movie itself felt like a trailer to another movie with a stronger story line.
But the question is an interesting one don't you think?

How do you know you're in love with someone...

:)

I heard this somewhere...

You know you're in love with a certain someone if you think about that person first, the minute something really good or really bad happens.

You want them to be the first ones you share your happiness or sadness with.

Pretty simple, straight forward, sure fire indicator na!

Next time you have a doubt, just check if these 2 aspects fit.
~

Honourable mention to the WHOOOAAAA climate, the darkening clouds, the wind that's picking up, and lightning and thunder that are playing hide and seek with me. And best of all, the rain that might come soon.

Wishing I were at the beach, with chocolate ice cream when the first drop hits the sand,

Yours ever,

Someday's dreamer.

Symphonies of life

2011-10-13T15:30:00.000+05:30

My last few days, when I think back, feels like one of those music videos where the lead actress is cycling along, hits a bump, waves merrily at someone she randomly knows, parks her bike outside a coffee shop, goes in with a book, hits a table, orders something sinfully casually yum -like a chocolate shake, then drops all her coins when trying to pay, finishes the book finally, bumps into a waiter by mistake, but no major hazard, and then off she goes... smile on her face.

Monday started the week with a jam packed schedule.More than jam packed, I was on my feet a LOT. So many meetings, excel sheets, floor plans, numbers. I had so much fun! At the end of each day (Monday and Tuesday) I never noticed time flying, and I was already at the end. I didn't realize how, but I was drained, yet overflowing with ideas. The climate is perfect, drizzly.
The background music in my head is great.

On Monday we went to our new office premises, to check it out. Came back and made floor plans on Excel. I know excel is more useful than I can ever imagine, but this, I would've never guessed! I owe my team mate a thankoo for that suggestion. I got to see first hand how the top management thinks and negotiates. It was wonderful learning. The fact that some of the negotiation happened over chocolate milk shake and apple pie never hurt. ;)

On Tuesday, I felt like a baby elephant when I woke up. It was also the day I had 4 square meals :P
We had back to back meetings till 6.30pm, and by then, I was conked out. All I wanted to do was sit.
In the evening I met a friend, and had a lovely conversation over soup, lollipop and lamb. I left him a bit dumb founded in the end, and an expression that screamed "But, WHY ?!?!". Nonetheless, it was fun. Hehe.
He is one of those people you can have looooong intellectual conversations with, or just talk about food or the place or music or whatever. It's easy somehow. Always.

Wednesday started as a beautiful lazy weekday, when the weather is perfect to sleep in on. Got better when this darling friend of mine not just reminded me that I had to pay my fees, but also decided to fill the application form with me, so I don't procrastinate, like I tend to.
During the process I found that I had lost a receipt which is essential for the next payment. I thought I was done for. I'd either have to shell out that much or drop the course. All the searching had me postponing my meetings. Didn't help, I didn't find the receipt. I was all set for the worst day at office. My friend had been ever more of a sweetheart and said she'll pay mine with hers. And due to issues she had, she couldn't do it yesterday. I didn't have much hope left. Surprisingly, the day was quite mellow. And ended with a chat, which we later realized lasted for an entire hour and a half.

Today, I woke up after a fitful sleep. Work wise, day's good and productive. The fee issue got resolved, Big BIG thanks to . I've lost the elephant size, and back to being a hippo ;).

This post wasn't to keep a daily log.
There are some days when I feel there isn't a point in anything.
We're going to die anyway.
There are those days when I feel the human body is so fragile - we could break or die because of the smallest of reasons.
I still haven't figured out the purpose of life.
But I've stopped looking for it like it's the only thing that matters.

I love and enjoy food. It makes me happy, here and now.
I absolutely enjoy long conversations - they somehow, seem to me as the thread that is woven to form life.
I like making myself happy, doing things I like and want to. It just makes sense to me.
I like making others happy, it's fun.
I don't speak to some people if it feels it drains me
I try to get to know as many people as I can. More the merrier.

I have mood swings. I think every girl does.

But, I don't feel alone anymore.
I feel one step closer to understanding, if not figuring out what life is all about.

That's what this post is about.
That's what I want to say.

Same thing that we read countless times

It's the little things that count

The big things, and the big decisions in life are like the colours that are provided to us in our palate. Everytime something new and big happens, we get one more colour added to our palate.

The small things in life, the tiny everyday decisions we make are the pictures we paint. How we choose to mix the colours and draw the picture.

It's starting to look like even if life feels ever so boring, with just one colour to paint with over and over again, we still have the choice to make it as intricate, fun and beautiful as we choose to.

Every new day has a fresh area added to our canvas. We can't live in the memories of the one nice picture we painted before, or just dreaming of the picture we could paint if only we had that other colour. We've got to start painting, so that when that colour comes along, or some other colour comes along, we already have the stage set for it to make our picture so much the prettier.

I'm learning to paint new pictures, instead of crying over the old ones. Or what could have been.
I'm learning to love living and dreaming. Just the journey itself.
I'm trying, and succeeding a bit more everyday, to just enjoy the ride, though I have absolutely no idea about where I'm going or why I'm going there.

My life isn't perfect. My life is beautiful.

Maritime Foundations - Sept 30, 2011

2011-10-05T10:36:00.000+05:30

Demo Ship

Flying high

Knots and Crosses

Tiny model ships

Pulley

Ship ...things

Pulleys, gongs and bells

Dead man hanging

Goooonnnnngggg

I'm Popeye the sailor man!

Bell

Dolly being rescued

Ding dong bell

Boat ahoy!

*salute*

Classes, Cultures and Cats - Weekend edition

2011-10-04T20:21:00.000+05:30

I'm a part time student. I'm trying to get my degree in Psychology. Part timing is not the most effective way, but it's fun. I've registered with a friend, so its like good ol' days, where we passed notes in class. Last week, my friend couldn't make it, but luckily a colleague of mine from Netherlands wanted to see what classes here were like. One of the main reasons I decided to do my second masters in psychology was because I wanted to further specialize in Cross Cultural management and relationships.

So off we went to class. I was a bit late, he was a lot early... says something about cultures? Hmm...
My first hour got cancelled, and we ended up joining a similar session with another batch of students. It happened to be math.
There was a point in my life when I loved solving math. A time, when I was one of those geeky kids who used to raise their hands and go "pick me pick me pick me" when the prof was looking for someone to do the sum on the black board. My math notebook used to have childish stars, and I was proud of it. All this lasted till school only though. When I started my bachelors, there wasn't much math involved. And in my masters, though quite a few books were dipped in numbers, I'd lost interest. My motivation and interest in math went away because of associations. My mom was a math professor. She made math really fun. With her, math was a challenge. A competition. A play ground where I could experiment, and she was my guide come cheer leader.
So last class, we were doing math, and suddenly it was competitive again. Who got the numbers right the first time... 447 or 457... Would the prof be writing my answer on the board first? Is it the right answer? It was fun! Again... For a brief period, I remembered why I used to love math, even though it was just simple stuff we were dealing with.
~
Between the last statement and now, I had briefly stepped out for a meeting with my boss. During that time, my boss got a call from his boss - who is of another nationality. As I silently sat by and watched (I wasn't eve's dropping, really! He was right in front of me, I had no choice!!) I saw my boss smile widely, and ... I hate to say this, but he sounded very flirtatious. His boss is also a guy by the way. But it's not just them. Most people I've noticed, not just from here, but people from other countries as well, especially Asian, look like they are flirting when interacting with a foreigner. Me included.
We smile too much, we laugh at the un-funniest of jokes, we patronize, nod profusely, listen intently... most things you also do when you're flirting with someone.
I have a theory, a simple one. I think when we meet someone from a different country
a. We don't want to offend them
b. We want to project the best of ourselves and our country
c. We try to understand them
d. We are partly fascinated by the strangeness... differences if you want me to be more politically correct ;)
Because of this, our actions may as well be flirting.

Anyway, that's just something I noticed, and theorized about. Maybe I was just reading too much into things as usual !
~
So anyway... my colleague and I went from classes to lunch to tour of a uni to a mall during which we discussed and compared various aspects of our cultures.
Major topics ranged from sports > driving > FOOD > Food habits > weddings > relationships> Socialization > Family > Eye contact > Honking, and so on and so forth. The conversations revolved around the same general topics,yes. But it was different in many ways. Things that are not so easily discussed in my cultural context, I could easily discuss with him. Things that I've taken for granted, I had to pause, remember and explain. We also noticed that beyond the cultural differences, there were a few similarities as well. Importance given to different aspects of life.
It should have been more like comparing notes. but it was a fun conversation.

I also had to consciously stop myself from being too much of a tourist guide, and let him just hang out.

It is to be noted that we each read 4 books that day.
(Those books might or might not have come from the baby section of the book store, I'm not telling!)

That evening, after a small complication with my bike, I went on to take my sister to her classmate's Arangaetram. I don't know if I've ever truly appreciated my country's cultures, values and traditions. I love them. And I hope I don't take them for granted too much!
The girl danced beautifully, we were able to watch just 3 of the 8 pieces she performed. And all 3 were very commendable.

That Sunday we went for a Big Family Get Together Come Picnic, It was a mash of maritime come mallu style. Food and entertainment, completely mallu, and the location: Maritime academy.
It was this super awesome place, to which I will dedicate an entire photo blog post soon! So no more boring details here :P

The evening had my family disrupted because a cat wanted to join my family too. And I didn't want it to.
There was crying, screaming, threatening. None of which I'm particularly proud of.

All I can say is, if I don't get married, you can bet that I won't be an old lady with 9 cats either!

Ta :)

One Saturday

2011-10-02T13:03:00.000+05:30

Getting nagged to get married .... that has been happening for a while
Got myself a gorgeous black saree... been wanting one of those for aaaaagggeeess !
Chocolate cookies dipped in cold milk... I've read about this for as long as I remember, but hadn't tried it till yesterday. Now I know what all the hype was about, and lemme tell ya, totally worth it !!! Yummmmm !
Went for a long walk ... after a long time. Missed those :)

Just one of those nice Saturdays :)

Piggy Back ride :)

2011-09-18T01:14:00.000+05:30

Do you remember when we were kids, and tiny?
We got rides off all kids of things, trolleys, push carts, boxes! and the best of the lot, piggy backs of our parents and grandparents. It looks cute, and I'm sure awesome fun!
Somehow (I wonder if I'm getting too old!) I don't remember those days too well. Just very vague flashes.

You know how everyone has this perfect-romantic-moment-dream? Mine's been walking hand in hand along the beach, pants folded up, and then being swept away, literally.
Lately, there's been another. (Yes, I admit it, it's thanks to the many Korean dramas I've been watching) Its to be carried piggy back. This is not so much for the romance like the other. A piggy back ride, to me, is something that depicts how much someone cares. To actually carry !! :)

The last time I was offered one, I declined, because I was way too sleepy. (And regretted it for a very long time :P )

Today, For the first time (in my memory) I got a piggy back ride :D
(remembers, jumps about doing a little yaayy dance!)
Guess who gave it to me?
.
.
.
Did you?
.
Nope, not my dad!
.
.
It was my tiny little sister !!!
She's tiny, as in, not just 6 yrs younger than me tiny, but size 0, petite tiny !
And she gave me the piggy back ride :D

Ok, we've got a bit of flash back to cover.
Me and my sis had a bit of a tiff a couple of weeks back, and we entered a cold war. The ice had started thawing only a few days back. With bouts and spurts of talking, followed by silences. (Yeah, the argument was kinda serious) So today, my dad, sis and I went for a nice yum Italian dinner, and then we headed off to the beach. It was like life long friends catching up after a fight, where your trying to fill each other in on everything that happened in between. Which, it was exactly.

Though she objected in the beginning, saying she had assignments, my sister to the bone, she lost herself to the sea. Today's trip was really REALLY awesome !!!

For about half hour, we just lay on the sand and star gazed. She was the first, so she got a hankie for her hair. I lay on her stomach and my dad on my leg. Happy triangle, star gazers.
We found santa's sleigh, a helicopter, small dog, big dog, piggy, and of course the 'bunnnyyyyy' who's ear sadly disappeared too fast.
Frog dissection was discussed in detail. Football positions... (Both me and my sister being football players, and my dad a hockey player)
Beach "sundal" was passed around carefully and after we'd bitten quite a few chilies, we finally got up.

It started with me offering her a piggy back ride, because honestly, I wanted to see if I could do it.
After a bit of starting trouble, she was on and we were off :D
It's actually much easier than I expected !!! and a lootttaaa fun.
Once we'd walked quite a bit, she got off and offered to give me a ride. Ok, Ok... I coaxed her into giving me one. But I backed off like a good sister, knowing I was 10 pounds heavier ;)
She, all riled up by then, insisted, and we tried.

First I thought it would be impossible. Then she managed a super wobly 4 steps. And I quickly gt off, afraid I'd break her. She came up with a strategy, and soon, we were walking ...or she was piggy backing me! It was AWESOME !! *Chincha daebak!*
She managed it sooooo coolly!
The next 20 mins saw a little girl and a big girl alternatively giving piggy back rides to each other along the water.
We laughed and laughed. Even fell over, of backward a few times. Tried jumping, and every piggy back trick possible :D And laughed and laughed !

Absolute fun :D

I'm pretty sure I'll try this again, when my hands starts functioning again :P
The football player is all strong and happy and fine :)

I've always wanted a piggy back ride, and turning down that offer on the beach long ago in April, I thought I'll never get a chance for a piggy back ride again. (I actually was scared my friend would never be able to pick me up or drop me because of how heavy I am) But with my sister, I never had the embarrassment factor. I'm quite sure, that in all the diff people I had a imagined a piggy back ride with (list rampant with celebrity crushes :P ) I never once thought it would be my tiny little sister who finally fulfilled that wish!
Kinda awesome in a way. I've got her back and she's got mine :D

Among the many things in this world that I'm happy and thankful for at this moment, My sister tops the list.

I think... hope, now that I know how it works, that someone else (someone special ;) ) will give me a piggy back ride one day. But I am very very glad, my first piggy back memory is with my sister :D

Tiny Little Things

2011-09-16T15:36:00.002+05:30

I'm not fond of the cold. Air conditioning at 30 degrees has me shivering at office.
My team mate, with whom I share a cabin, is one of those characters who wonders if the temperature can be further reduced from 16 (the lowest). Nevertheless, he's always sweet enough to let the temperature remain at 30 degrees.
Still, I grab the opportunity, every time he steps out, to quickly turn off the AC.
And make sure I switch it on when he gets back.

Its for this reason that we take breaks at different times. So he can have the temp. at 16 when I'm not there, and I can be happy with AC turned off when he's not there.

There are those rare rare moments, when I come back from a break to find the AC switched off.
Times when he probably forgot to turn it on. It makes so happy to enter the cabin when it's so nice and perfect. Lingering cold, with no freeze factor.

When this happens, I quietly, almost reverently tip toe to my seat.
From then on, I move slowly. Careful not to alert him to the AC turned off.
Type softer. Click as quiet as electronically possible. Make no sudden movements.
It's like a mini mission: "Mission AC staying turned off".
People passing by would probably be wondering why is this girl moving so cautiously :P

It's super fun actually. Every passing moment seems like a victory strengthened.
And a little temperature fairy doing a jive inside my head.

The Air Conditioner is turned off now, and I am typing very slowly!

Tiny little things that make life more fun and adventurous ;)

Ten Thousand Fireflies ^.^

2011-09-15T18:52:00.000+05:30

Ok, I'm all happy happy now.
And yup slightly jobless too.

I just wanna go fill some place with happy.
Or may be just .. balloons, petals, flowers, streamers, confetti... anything that spells happy.

So I thought I'll come here and list a few things that absolutely thrill me :D

1. Kiddy pools.
I LOVE water. I probably was a water animal last birth. But I dunno how to swim :P So kiddy pools , wave pools water falls pool, shallow ponds, lakes and streams have me grinning like a 5 year old with too much candy.

2. Chocolate
Dark chocolate, slightly melted, licked off the wrapper.
Snickers. You've heard of rose tinted glasses? These bars of heaven are mine. Aaahhhh... the bliss within each crunchy bite :D

3. Chocolate ice cream
With crushed nuts, chocolate brownie and chocolate sauce. Forget the world, just eat dark choc ice cream. Ferrero Rocher flavoured to make it all the better.

4. Drizzle
Rain, lightning and Thunder. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee !!!!!!!

5. Stationery shopping
New notebooks. Hand made paper. Pristine white paper. Black ruled sheets. Ruled sheets. Drawing notebooks. Scrap books. Pencils. Pens. Picking each after going through a 100. Especially these days, when I find a rare occasion that I can actually buy one of those with no guilt. Knowing I'm going to use it and why.

6. Singing on the top of my voice.
7. Speeding on the highway, music blaring
8. Saturday morning - Followed by jam packed laughter filled weekends.
9. Being tucked into bed. Someone covering me up in the morning, when its not time to wake up yet.
10. Tight hugs :)

September

2011-09-15T17:44:00.000+05:30

A month of discoveries and reconciliation.

I know I'm only half way through the month. But I made a lot of progress retrospection and introspection wise.

Very happy with myself :)

I even texted and emailed a few people I hadn't kept in touch with.

OK, 2 people.

Still, big step for me ok !

Fireflies, the song is running through my head :)

At work, everything is goin haywire. Most around me look worried about whats going to happen. But I'm fine. Inner emotional state not bothered by such a big shake in stability. I've got back up plans. Again.

My 9 months of hermit living, with no aim, no back up plans, no dreams and goals are slowly wrapping up.

I think by the end of 2011, I might have gone through a full round of mid life (early onset) crisis and self discovery.

Even if I don't, I'm just happy that I'm finally facing up to what I was denying ;)
(Told you so moment for many out there? ;) )

So now, I gotta go re build a few bridges I left abandoned and ponder over a few others.

I've also got to sort through my dreams and arrange them in outdated, expired, still usable, to be dreamt in more detail - folders.

All together, September as a month is how I am even physically right now; Queasy, uncomfortable, dizzy in bouts and mostly...weirdly high on air!

Adios ! ^.^

P.S.: I love y'all !! and hugs :D

I figured it out

2011-09-13T19:10:00.001+05:30

I figured it out.
Can't say I finally figured it out, because the realization struck almost out of the blue.
I'd been looking for answers of 2 big questions. Which became 4 last Saturday.
The 4th one, triggered by a very current event in my life... which kinda helped me piece together everything.
It was remarkable, the way it all fell into place.

If I had written this last Saturday night, I probably would have let you in on the secret.
But the dots connected, and the tears started flowing. It was haywire. It was crazy. It was one wet pillow.

One of those things, when I just wanted to scream, "No... can't be. I'm so in control of everything happening. I'm so clued in on me. So how could this sneak up on me?!"

Roughly 4.5 years ago, I'd made a decision.
It was a conscious decision.
But I didn't...hadn't realized for an entire four and a half years that I had been unconsciously acting on that decision.
How could I have not known?

Last Saturday night, I felt like... I'd been roaming in circles for ages, lost sporadically... and then I went and switched on the lights, to find myself on the inside of a glass jar. Corked shut. Like those mini ships they make and seal. And with the light, came the sudden flash of memory of me, slowly crawling in, and sealing the entrance as tightly as I possibly could.

It's just that, back then, then ending seemed so close, so tangible. So big and real.
I was so wrapped by it all. That I thought and planned only for it.
I planned for the ending. Endings.
Making sure, it doesn't hurt. Me or others.
So I sealed myself shut.
Now, 4.5 years away, I realize that it's not in the itinerary for a good number of pages yet.

So, I've got to stop acting like I'm the last page. Or my story will never unfold as it should.

I told you I wouldn't explain it, but I did.

If you know me, and read this, and you're going "That's what I've been saying, Idiot!". Well... I know what you mean there. So many people have called me defensive. Even I knew.

But I didn't know why.

Makes all the difference from "Maybe that's the kind of person I am. Probably, this is how I deal with life. So cool." to, the current, "Oh! Crap!!"

Kindly refrain from 'I told you so's.

So now, I'm sitting in that bottle.
I pushed at the seal a couple of times. But just the realization can be quite exhausting, so I'm taking a break for now. So, the lights on. People can see me sitting in there again. Partially at least.
And a friend of mine has promised to help my pull out the seal from the outside.

So lets see how this goes...

Will keep y'all updated!

Stand in the rain

2011-09-11T00:12:00.000+05:30

When there's no shoulder to cry on
When there are no arms to fly into

When something ...sometimes everything
Doesn't make any sense

When your head feels too heavy
For your own shoulders

When you don't know
Which direction to take take
Or.... just don't know.

When the next breath
Seems like a big chore

When you don't know
If not crying is because
There is no pain
or because,
you've not let yourself feel it.

When everyone seems to know
Where they are going
Why, when and for whom
And you have not a clue
None whatsoever

Except maybe a distant dream
A dream so distant
That you're not sure
If it's an ooollllldddd dream
or a dream for the distant future

When you're just laughing at yourself
And tears are flowing down anyway

Stand in the rain
Close your eyes
Let your tears drain
Momentarily severe ties

Stand in the rain
Close your eyes
You're anywhere you want to be
With anyone you want to see
You're never alone in the rain
You're surrounded by a million drops
Ready to cover up for your every sigh
Every tear
Every scream
Every lost dream

Stand in the rain
Just truth detain

Stand in the rain
Forget the pain

Stand in the rain
As peace re-reigns...

Stand in the rain
As time flies
Till you smile again
And sadness dies

Stand in the rain ...
Just stand in the rain.

Kimchi Smile :)

2011-09-06T11:10:00.000+05:30

"Don't I know you from somewhere?"

Probably the cheesiest first liner right?

That was the first thing we said to each other.

I can remember it like yesterday,

It feels like light years ago.

So much has passed in between

So much we've grown

Long long ago,

Back in those days,

When we were still new to each other,

Probably the first week

I was sitting next to her,

And she was at the edge of her seat

Wishing desperately, that she was along the beach

Stopping someone from jumping into the sea.

Well, you can imagine what my first impression was

It was plain: 0.o !!!!!!!!!

Then we got to know each other a bit better

The next thing I remember about her is Tang.

There's always tang when I go to her place.

Funny thing to remember right?

The 2 years in between

When I was away

We kept touch in sporadically

One would expect a little rift

But it was was weird

It wasn't that distance made the heart fonder

It was the bridges we built that made us closer.

She forces me, and drags me to doctors (not an easy thing I tell you)

Yet, she's the one I call when I feel unwell.

She can scare the hell out of me.

When I'm down, and don't wanna talk, I can go and listen to music with her.

We dress up. We're girly girls. We're badass.

Every time you ask her "How are you?" I get a super cheery "I'm fine! How you?"

I'll know she isn't, it used to bug me before, now I know she'll talk when she's ready.

She's the one who succeeded in converting my almost all black wardrobe to the now colourful one.

We write... with our own styles.

We deal with life... in our own ways

Our priorities... quite different. Except for maybe: Family first.

Our sense of humor... quite similar

Our tastes ... first strikes as very different, but we end up rating the same. (Doesn't make sense unless you experience it :)

She's the one who looked at my orange shoes and went "oh so cute!"

She knows when I like someone, before I do. (It's super creepy I tell you)

We're so alike, and we're so different ... like 2 sides of a coin. In perfect harmony.

We've never gone through the same bad phase at the same time, but it has never hampered with our empathy for each other.

We all have a whole bunch of friends

A variety of them

To each of our friends, we are different

Our interactions our different

Some you meet and laugh about every silly thing

Some you can talk to 10 times a day, and still have something left to talk about

Some you can call and say "I'm crashing at your place tonight"

Some you can stay out of touch for months and years,

call back and talk like you've never been apart

Some who have exact taste in music as you

Some who get your movie comments and jokes

Some you can go shopping with

Some you can go on long lazy walks with

Some you can discuss your crushes with

Some you can discuss your hobbies with

Some you have looooong philosophical discussions with

Few you can cry to

Few you dream with

Few you can comfortably sleep talk with

Few you can tell your deepest darkest secrets to

Few you can read your random poetry to

Few you can have hour long conversations with, covering topics with a range that most universities wouldn't be able to!

Few, you think about when something absolutely ridiculous happens, and you know only they'll appreciate the humour in that situation.

Very few you can share your paranoia with,AND be understood.

And a precious few who can accept you completely.

(Except maybe when you're wearing washed out brown :P )

We all have acquaintances, friends, good friends, best friends and soul mates.

I know we might have felt all this towards different people at different points of time.

Some for longer. Some shorter.

Do you know the feeling when you're in a party and you know absolutely no one?

To the extent that you wonder if you came to the wrong one...

You make small talk. You smile.

But you feel all alone, and wonder what on earth you're upto over there.

Then someone enters

and waves at you from all the way across the hall, trying to catch your attention.

You look, a smile spreads across your face.

You weave your way through

and it feels like you belong in the party now.

You're in the right place after all.

[Kimchi smile for every moment when you remember someone randomly, and just that memory makes you smile. Smile a kimchi smile, that leaves a residue smile on your face as you go about the rest of your day. Just like the comfortable taste Kimchi leaves behind.

Kimchi cheers :)]

The Promenade - IV

2011-08-29T17:36:00.001+05:30

Chapter 6
Along the sea side

For the next half hour, we went to craft stores and roadside stalls.
My friend bought 2 pretty crochet lanterns for her home to be at Adelaide. I got a pretty lavender stoned "Neckley" (as the boy called it), bracelet and ear rings set at a great bargain. We walked along, took more photographs. Checked out more craft exhibitions.

We spent a while sitting in one of those beach side seat-enclaves and played around with shadows.

It was a pleasant time, when we didn't talk too much. Happy memories, and calm with the company.
They say you know you've got a real friend, when you can sit next to each other for a period of time, without talking, without feeling the need to and without feeling awkward at the silence.

I know we'd long since reached that level of comfort, but this was a nice moment- time, nevertheless.

When we felt fulfilled and ready to go (considering the 4 hr journey time ahead too ;)) we set off back to the bus station.

Chapter 7
Home Bound

We boarded the bus, armed with Pepsi and popcorn, so hunger pangs don't strike like in the morning.
We were both quite exhausted from the morning travel, and generally. We decided to be good children and take a nap. More experienced, we picked a better and more comfortable bus this time. And picked the side that faces the sea again.
Sleep came in pieces. Though, even when the eyes partially opened, there was a beautiful seaside with an orange sky draping it like a pretty veil. The tall trees, stone walls marking territories, small pathways, the sea through them, the occasional back water stretches, ponds with water lilies..all closed up for the night, beautiful holiday homes... sleep, dream and being awake happened, in mixed order, so much so that it was hard to keep track of what was happening, and too comfortable to want to bother.

I woke up after a bit, and found her peacefully listening to music. I decided to too.
I remember thinking that I should load some neutral un-mood-inducing music. I plugged in my ear phones anyway. Halfway into the song, I reached out for the pop corn, and that's when it happened.

Chapter 8
Chaos

The bus screeched to a halt.
People were hitting the side of the bus. There was yelling. Lights came on. Glaring head lights from various vehicles, facing random directions. Screaming and shouting.

I don't know if I'll ever forget what I saw next, though I don't think about it.
There was a man standing, and there was another man on the ground, in sitting position, leaning on the legs of the standing man. He looked like he was asleep.
There had been an accident, and the yelling and screaming, and bringing all the vehicles to a halt was mostly done by their friends.
We didn't get full details. We were hastily asked to close all windows, in case they started throwing stones.

My friend was scared they'd set fire to the bus, and she was halfway through calling a relative.
Technically I'm supposed to have been scared. At least a little. I still don't know if I was.

Our bus driver slowly inched forward, and zoomed ahead at the first sign of free space.

Chapter 9
Twilight

Wide awake after that encounter, we reviewed photographs taken. Ate popcorn (finally). And talked quietly in the dark. She told me about her fiance, about all their business plans together before they started their restaurant. We spoke about life. Why we're doing what we're doing now.
Transactional Analysis. Ideal careers.
It was as deep as it was refreshing.

The sky was lit up by lightning for the rest of the journey. Signs of distant rains. Added to the perfection of it all, like a big bang ending, the day deserved.

Not many people can completely understand or accept us. We, with our fast paced lives don't take time out to just talk about anything, and everything anymore. Dunno if it was one or the other. Maybe it was both.

This also seemed like the best time for our little interlude. When we're old enough to go off on our own, and young enough to not have too many responsibilities/ things to consider hampering our taking off on our own.

We realized that our interactions had become adult-like. But, with a trust founded in the youth of teenage. We've watched each grow from girls to young women. She noted more than once that in the 2 yrs she was away (at Australia) I'd grown from an absolute tomboy to a girly girl. Not so much in the way I dress, but in the way I carried myself. That's a nice thing :) While I did that, she found the love of her life, and they have an amazing fun-love filled relationship, so that's a nice thin too.

We just lay there talking, watching our lives from a distance. Till we eventually ended up at our destination.

We bid goodbyes and left :)

Epilogue

A Promenade is a leisurely walk taken in a park or a pretty place.

It's a time when you go out for a stroll, and talk in detail about something...anything...many things.

Our Promenade was beautiful.

I could have written a well rounded 10 chapters, I could have split it into a more holistic 5 parts instead of 4. But no, the point isn't striving for a perfection which sometimes is pointless. That day was fun. It was happy. It didn't change life. Nothing dramatic or melodramatic. It was just simple awesomely fabulous.

Our plans didn't span out as imagined. Our objective, or what we considered out objective (french food) was not met. Though we did go to Pondy. We had a brilliant time.

I've been looking for a purpose in life.
Dunno if this answers anything.
Dunno, if, once I find it, I'll be able to achieve it.
But, it's not always necessary to reach your objective to have crazy crazy fun!

I don't think life has perfect closures. I don't know if you find answers to the gazillion questions we seem to have all the time. I'm not sure if we'll find answers even to the top 10 questions.
Perfect house, perfect career, perfect spouse ... I dunno if any of those things exist.
But perfection exists.
It exists in the million little things that are all around us. We just need to take a better look, and notice it :)

So I'm gonna have fun, make memories, and laugh till I'm doubled over as much as I can, with as many people as I can!

Hope you find your moment of Funnestness !!

Au revoir :)

The Promenade - III

2011-08-29T13:27:00.002+05:30

Chapter 5
Funnestness !!!

I loved it ! I loved it! I loved it! I loved it!!!!
The next 45 mins were probably the BEST of 2011!!

To explain why, I gotta give you a mental idea about the place.
The Promenade hotel is a 5 star boutique hotel. It is gorgeous from all angles. Every direction you look is literally picture perfect! It had the quaint Italian cafe feel on one side, sophisticated french restaurant inside, breezy sun umberrella-d feel on the other. A midst this was a small cosy pool, that was situated on a lower level. Stone stars led to the pool, surrounded by flowering trees and beach chairs.

Being 2 young women with a camera, and unlimited access to all the prettiness, oh boy did we go crazy!

It was like a half hour photo shoot for each of us.

I can't describe how or why I loved that place so much. SO much I wanted to just stay there forever. I never stopped smiling once when I was there. I was soooo happpeeee !!! Apparently in true love, you can never quite put your finger on a particular thing that makes you love so :P

The kiddy pool was all of 1 feet deep, and water lover that I am, immediately walked right it. There were pillars separating the kiddy pool from the deeper pool.
The beach chairs, under the flowering trees were perfect.
The ornamental pots - well I'd never have guessed that pots can be used to well!
The pool was big enough, but small and the combination of stone and water was waaaayyyy to heady for me!
Even my friend couldn't understand why I loved that place so much! :P
I was jumping, skipping and laughing all the while. It was bliss !!! It was excitement. It was a pure high :D

Bah, just thinking about it makes me smile a mile wide and miss it!

The only think I didn't do, was dance inside. I dunno how to swim, and falling in would have been slightly anti climax.;)

We left at 4.30 pm.
I realize now, that when I left I was happy.
I guess that place made me SO happy, that I couldn't be anything but for a while after. Knowing I had a great time and awesome memories to carry from there forever.

Now that it has been 2 days since the funnestness, I'm starting to wonder and slightly worry if I would forget how the spectacular range of positive emotions during those 2.5 hours felt. But, I hope, if not remember the feeling, my life has adequate moments where I feel so close to euphoric, that its easier to deal with the rest ;)
(Sounds dramatic, I know, but I wish you feel it too, so you know too!)

We left happily for the beach walk and souvenir shopping :)

The Promenade - II

2011-08-29T12:50:00.001+05:30

Chapter 4

The Promenade Hotel

This hotel was along the beach side, a little further down from the cafe. First sight, if I had to use one word to describe it, I'd say it looked calm.
Since it was 2.45 pm by the time we reached there, there weren't too many people there. We two exhausted travelers flopped onto a nice comfortable sea facing sofa.

You know what they say about overall dining experience? This was it!

The food was not french :P It was not my definition of yum looking. We didn't even order dessert because it was too late. But it was delicious. I had spaghetti with basil, olive and something else. Olive turned out to be olive oil, and the basil was ground, making my spaghetti look greeeen. And I can be plenty skeptical and picky about food, and I'm vouching for it. It was yum, filling, without making one feel stuffed.

You know, though I live in a sea side city, I've never had a sea facing meal! I was surprised at this discovery. Especially since the effect is so peaceful!

That day, that morning, during long coastal journey, there were plenty of times when I thought to myself "This feeling right now, being surrounded by all this beauty, and feeling this content was enough for me. Even if the food sucked, or pondy is nothing as I expected, that journey, and those careless, weightless conversations were enough to make this trip perfect."

So every new nice aspect added to the perfection so wonderfully.

Before our meal could come, when we were nibbling on our starters, we were blissful.
Completely, absolutely,.. peaceful, calm, and blissful.
Not happy, you can be happy and sad at the same time. But this was more. And all positive.
It probably sounds hyped up. If I were reading this in some blog, I'd think the writer just has an overactive imagination and ability to sugar coat. But no... it was calming.

My job. Her career identity. Our futures. Relationship issues. All of it...none of it mattered then.At that moment, life as it was, wasn't perfect. Life didn't have to be perfect. Everything didn't have to be smooth. Issues didn't need to magically resolve themselves. Perfect jobs/ boy friends didn't have to appear out of no where. Childhood issues didn't need to be resolved.

For that one and a half hours, everything was perfect just the way it is. And we were content, completely content.

The Promenade - I

2011-08-29T12:10:00.004+05:30

Prologue

I heard somewhere that there are 2 kinds of happiness in this world, and my friend added one more type.

The kind you feel when you're remembering a pleasant past incident is one,

The kind you feel when thinking of an inviting future/ moment in the future,

and finally, the happiness you feel at the moment.The peace, bliss, contentment and lightheartedness that spreads from within the core of your being till the tingly sensation you feel at your fingertips. This kind will probably eventually turn into type 1, after the moment has passed. But that moment, it feels like that's what we live for - Moments like those.

We all make plans, build up expectations, imagine the future playing out perfectly in our heads - things we see, dialogues exchanged, looks passed, feelings felt. All wonderfully choreographed and directed a thousand times - attention given to every minute detail - before the moment arrives.

Sometimes, what we end up with is a grave disappointment (Like the classes me and a friend of mine planned for, forever) At these times, just the planning and imagining was so much fun, that it's easy not to feel too disappointed.

At other times, what we plan / expect isn't even the shadow of what is to come, that we're blown away by it's sheer awesomeness!

The plan: Go to Pondy for lunch

Expectation: French food, souvenir shopping, fun 2.5 hr bus ride with lots of time to yap

Day: 27th August 2011

Chapter 1

The East Coast Road

Since both of us lived pretty close by, we met at 9ish last Saturday morning, after cancelling plans of last minute shopping for the trip. We had a plan. Simple enough: Go to a French Restaurant at Pondy and eat yum french food. Since the restaurant options had already been googled, we felt we were all set for the trip.

Expected travel time was 2.5 hrs.

We entered the big big bus station and got into the first bus that had the name of our destination on its route. We realized later the silliness of our idea when we started to wonder if the bus could really win the race, if we were running along side. Nevertheless, the climate was perfect (Nothing too special if you're from the regional hillside areas, like my friend with me :P), and the entire stretch of travel, after leaving the city was along the coast. I LOVED it !!

Every time my school friends (a girly bunch of 6 of us) met up, we make such a ruckus that after a point we started hunting down not-so-crowded hang out places. This, so the chance of us getting kicked out on the grounds of disrupting public peace reduced.

Unfortunately, on a bus that was slowly getting jam packed, our voices still felt the loudest. But caring about that lasted all of 8 seconds every one hour, when we suddenly noticed someone (new) looking at us.

The sea was blue blue blue. And the soft green of freshly washed leaves everywhere swayed peacefully as though dancing to a soft melody only they could here. The mildly cold breeze never stopped throughout.

At 12, 2 hours after boarding the bus at 9.43 AM, the bus stopped for a tea break. We got cookies merrily, and that's when noticed a board that said 101 kms to go.

If there had been background music, it would have gone from ta da ta da da da to twoooooiiiiinnnnngggggg.

We settled ourselves much more comfortably in our seats and set our minds for 2 more hours on the bus.

You know what the best part of travelling with a good friend is? You never really can run out of conversation! I remember back in our college days, we (my friend is from my coll ) used to spend hours yapping after hours, and then meet again the next day and start like we'd been apart for ages! It was just the same, the fact that we had been apart for a while gave way to that much more conversation!

We spoke about the her upcoming wedding, work lives, future plans, dream houses. Planned out bits of our dream houses from random houses we saw along the way. We conspired on easy ways to go up in life :P Jackpots that are easiest to hit.

I mini checked out this cut guy who was in the same bus ;) But he was 99% younger than us. So just made do with the fact that he was wearing a giant huge watch, which was in my line of sight. Hey ! A girl can always look :P

Before we knew it, we were at pondy!

Chapter 2

The Beach Side

Once we reached (finally at 2 pm), we realized that we should have got a bit more information, rather than just names of the top 3 french restaurants. Pondy was a mini city, and we had kinda envisioned a small beach side place with the restaurants lined up like RIGHT THERE. Umm... silly, I know.

We asked a few people, who looked most like natives, where any one of those 3 restaurants could be. We'd decided on Le Cafe. (I admit, around 1 pm we were both so hungry that we were ready to eat anything anywhere. Maybe for the heck of it, look for restaurants with Le/ La/ L' in their name. But since we'd reached, we thought, we're so close, we can make it. Yaayy for that decision!)

Everyone we asked told us its possibly along the beach, to be more specific "At the beach side!"

We had become quite skeptical by then thought. All the restaurants we'd passed didn't have Frenchy names. And Pondy didn't look like the tourist filled, activity ridden place I had imagined. (In my defense, I don't think I've been to pondy

Our driver was a very sweet yappy guy, who was telling us quite openly that the most famous thing in Pondy is the Alcohol. He was certain there wasn't much else we could get as souvenirs. He left us off at "The Beach Side", gave his number for when we might need a ride in the future and left.

"The Beach Side" is an awesome place!!! So very beautifully picture perfect. It was a row of Victorian era architecture, interlinked naturally with modern architecture - over looking the deep blue sea. The sea starts abruptly after a rocky wall, but that added to its charm.

The road was wide, traffic scarce, and temperature perfect.

Chapter 3

Le Cafe

This is a very short chapter.

We entered. Found that its an out door restaurant. Pretty looking, quite crowded.

But not even the teensiest bit close to the sophisticated French Restaurant we had in mind.

Hey, I don't know what exactly french cuisine constitutes of, but I do know that french is almost synonymous with sophistication. So a casual outdoor restaurant is NOT what we traveled 4 hours and 200 kms for!

We politely excused ourselves, and left in search of a more french french restaurant.

Before we move, I'd like to take a moment to explain something about Le Cafe that caught me. This was the only building that was on the beach side. The rest of the buildings were on the same road, but on the other side, facing the Beach. But Le Cafe was on the Beach Side. It looked like a house that had been converted into a restaurant, and a good look around showed how charming a home it would have made. Uncomplicated, simple and sweet.

Foot-life-ball

2011-08-26T19:40:00.000+05:30

I'm currently BAM in the middle of whats turning out to be be quite an interesting Fight-come-argument.
Over the course of the many texts, which followed a phone slamming, I was called defensive quite a few times.

First time she said it, along with calling me sarcastic, and insincere (because I refused to a sorry, when I wasn't sorry - but apparently should have to seem like a sincere friend) and that I'm someone who loses all her friends after one fight.

Funny thing is, I stopped talking to 1 person. Who, if I remember right, was also very interested in naming people.....'s characteristic, like that defined all of them. And it's not even like I stopped, we went from talking quite a lot to keeping in touch occasionally ...very sporadically. Not the "I hate you, I wont be on the same land as you" type, definitely.

So back then, I remember she was there through that whole phase.
And I completely understand why she might think I completely cut off people after one fight.
In fact, for a while, I thought so too.

But, I'm at a much better place right now. Mentally. Understanding me, my actions, others and their actions wise. At least much better than before.

So her pointing it out made me realize 2 things prominently.
1. I DO NOT cut off people after one fight. Not at all. I've just spent an hour mentally leafing through many of my good friends, and the number of arguments we've had. Some quite serious ones too. It happens in every relationship. I figured that I don't get pissed off easily. I'm quite cool with being pushed around a bit, and making a few compromises, or not making them, and not regretting it. And most of my friends know that where is matters, I'll be there. So since really pissing me off is quite difficult, I don't think it's irrational to say I take a while to get out of it.
(The first statement was more of a joyous proclamation come from surprising realization, rather than a defensive line it might come off as)
So I'm happy to say, that I have not few but a decent number of very good friends, whom I know have traversed rougher terrains with me, and we're still on a happy journey.
(I'm pretty sure, this friend I'm arguing with currently will also be in that list. This is our first ever first in 2 years of being good friends, and 4 years of being friends by the way)

2. Defensiveness. Especially in a fight.
Imagine you're playing football, with a good friend. For the first time ever. Would you start your play with offence or defense? Either doesn't matter, but somehow, personally, I've always felt starting off with defense is a stronger strategy.
a. You can find out how strong your opponent is.
b. You can find out if your opponent has ego issues in losing to you
c. I wouldn't wanna start out too strong, especially with a friend, and be called inconsiderate later on.

Playing defense doesn't always mean we feel weaker. Sometimes, its just as much for your opponent. Be it testing or helping.
So I do always start any argument, stepped back, facts/ views first.
Build as much an equal case as possible.
Somehow, its seen as defensive. That's fine.

But keep throwing "You're being defensive" "Stop being defensive" "Why are you being so defensive" at me, dud, I just might start playing offence, and trust me, I'm damn good at it.
In girl fights, all offence needs is a good memory to pull up parallels, and I can.
trying to keep things clean here, and you're not helping.

Sigh...

But nevertheless, when I feel irritated, I'd rather come here and blog, instead of playing offence pro=actively.

Trust me, I'm itchin', I was a left forward myself. Strong right kick ;)

But playing offence doesn't help. I know. By experience unfortunately.

Wishing I could kick a ball again.
All the football talk has got me all football nostalgic!

Yunno, I'm proud of myself. I'm not so hot headed as before.:D
Guess I'm all grown up now :P

From:
to

Hehe :P

10 Random Things

2011-08-23T18:26:00.004+05:30

1. I'm a lyrics girl

2. My prof said girls always succeed when the propose

3. I feel hope is too over rated.

4. After a fight, it takes a while to start missing the person, but sometimes, that time also tends to have you getting used to life without that person.

5. I'm most comfortable when I don't feel the need to put something into words.

6. Poetry makes a lot more sense when read sitting on the grass below a big huge tree.

7. You can tell I'm out of sorts, if I don't feel hungry on time. (Chocolate craving doesn't count as hunger)

8. I believe in magic. A bit more than I believe in God. But I'm angry at God, so I might be biased right now.

9. My biggest fear right now is that I might over think myself out of my emotions.

10. Maintaining a state of peace and equilibrium demands a lot more sacrifices than I expected. I'm making them anyway.

Crushed crush

2011-08-23T13:53:00.002+05:30

My blog's readers probably noticed that I leave my blog unattended when life is all happy happy.
Initially I used to feel guilty, but I guess, my blog knows that every time I'm blissfully happy, I write a blog post in my head, but am so happily living in the moment, that I never get around to penning it down here.
Since that's a part of Imaginative Realist, my blog's fine with me. And we're happy children.

Now am back here, and yup life ain't so great at THIS moment.
Despite the ball room dancing (*mini Darcy dream*) session that's gonna happen tonight.

Why am I so sad? My crush, whom I shall not name, of the better part of the past year is dating someone now.
I found out from a friend today. I was in a meeting, so I'd left my phone unattended, and the little message box waiting for me. I open it, read it twice, and I could feel the aura around me go from sunshiney and sparkly (like earlier today) to dark ...gloomy... eye shodaowy... black. Inky black.
Like so :

Anyway ...their happily dating. Apparently not yet in love.
Yup, that's supposed to my consolation now ! Eeesh.

I shall NOT obsess any more over the bird that flew away.

Damn, silly dream indicators !!!

From above, only thing I can infer is: I NEED A LIFE !!!!

One part of my heart (that might need mending) will always be kept aside for you. Sniff.

I'm gonna be the cool person that I am, wish them happy (with a tinge of regret of course) and walk away (figuratively)

My Nightmare

2011-08-09T10:56:00.005+05:30

I woke up at 3.30 AM, to the feeling of someone pulling at my toes.

Images of people in white, covered in splashes of blood, body parts missing, on an open bus, raiding the streets harassing others for body parts still vivid in my head. The instinct to protect my mom and my sister still strong and real. And of course, the heart that wouldn't stop racing.

The last time I had a nightmare was definitely more than 4 months ago.

Getting a nightmare is no big deal, I don't stay terribly afraid for a long time that night. All that stopped when I was a kid. It's just that feeling of unrest that prevails.

If I had a nightmare, I used to hold my mom's hand and go back to sleep. And all was well again.

That was long ago too.

For the past 4 years, every time I had a nightmare I used to call him or message him. Even if he were asleep, and all I did was text my nightmare, it still felt fine. Because I had gotten it out of my system.

When I was at my college hostel for 2 years, I always had the option of just walking down the road at any point of the night and find someone to talk to, to take my mind of the nightmare. Even then, if/ when I didn't want to find someone, he was just a call or text away.

Last night, there was no one to call or text.

No one to tell me it'll be alright, and make me laugh about something silly again.

I woke up this morning, still feeling restless, Anger much closer to the surface than it has been for a while.

The nightmare wasn't what occurred in my sleep last night, that was just a bad dream. The real nightmare, the one I'll have to live with, was the realization that struck when I woke up because of the bad dream.

The Couch

2011-08-08T18:46:00.000+05:30

Do you know that feeling when you're super exhausted...tired and hungry
When you get home, and just go bonk on the couch
Too exhausted to move
Hungry
But you know there is nothing to eat
Thirsty as hell,
All that's left to drink is water. Plain H2O
You reach out for it, and drink a small sip.
You feel empty, and this little gulp helps a bit.

At first you decide to rummage through your supplies,
Look for something
Anything
To re-energize yourself.
You find nothing
Except that you're more exhausted now

You go back to the couch

You don't move because moving would mean exhausting a bit more of the precious little energy you have left

And just lie there, taking occasional sips of water.

I'm Letting Go

2011-08-05T13:33:00.005+05:30

Letting go doesn't require taking up a course that uses ALL of your mind space
Letting go doesn't require jumping into a relationship to replace something else that you lost.
Letting go doesn't require relocating to a different city to try and restart
Letting go doesn't require trying something completely new just so you feel on the edge
Letting go doesn't require taking time off and trying to desperately think your way out of it
Letting go doesn't require obsessing till depression

Letting go doesn't require pretending it never mattered anyway
Letting go doesn't require numbing yourself

Letting go doesn't always require torrents of tears

Letting go doesn't require a bottle of Vodka.

Letting go doesn't mean that the love you felt was never real,
Letting go doesn't mean that those memories will leave you or become meaningless.

Letting go just needs you to accept that you will be fine without whom/ what you let go.

I will be fine.
Because I have been fine.

So,
I'm letting you go

The love was real, those memories will be cherished for a life time, and an occasional tear will be spilt.

But,

I am... finally... letting all of you... go.

Incomplete music

2011-08-01T19:07:00.005+05:30

“Sing with me! It’ll be fun!!”

“Isn’t the cliché supposed to be ‘dance with me’ ?!” She laughed.

“I’m not joking. C’mon!”

It was an on the spot singing competition being held at a mall, hundreds watching.

“I might be able to carry a pitch or two, but I most definitely can’t sing.”, “The audience will get nightmares for years and years to come” she added dramatically.

“Eva…”

“Which song?”

“Incomplete”

“It’s not even a duet, why do you need me for?! Go sing it, and I’ll be here cheering you on”

“Eva..”

He had a way of saying her name, that had always made her give in.

You couldn’t call them best friends. They didn’t hang out together a lot. But, when they were together, there was an easy comfort about them.

“Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! Don’t ever make me do something like that again!!”

His laugh was soft as he said, “You were amazing.”

The simple way he said it, like a statement and not an exclamation made her smile.

Her smile made him slightly embarrassed, so he quickly changed the topic.

“What do you think of when you hear… or sing ‘Incomplete’, seeing as it is a sad song and you seem to know it by heart.”

She laughed out loud.

He had just wanted to distract her, but now he realized he really wanted to know. And her laughter made him more than just a little uncomfortable. His nervousness probably was very apparent as it just made her laugh louder.

“As weird as it sounds, Incomplete actually is a very happy memory for me. And I remember my sis every time I hear that song.

It was a few weeks after I had bought my first key board. Amy plays the guitar, right? So we were looking for a song that has good bits of both key board and guitar. Since I already had the sheet music of Incomplete, we decided on it.

Found tutorial videos online, and the lyrics. We spent the next two hours staring at the tutorial and singing along at the top of our voices. It was almost midnight when we realized that we had been so engrossed in the singing that the music was completely forgotten!

The guitar was still smugly on her lap, and being used as a drum, the music standing in for karaoke and the video of the piano, a blur at the back of her heads.

We realized it, and started laughing so hard, and when we stopped laughing, we saw the screen and sang along with the same gusto “baby…Oh baby, it’s written on your face” and then we laughed even more at that.”

She paused briefly at that to laugh again at her own story. He smiled as she continued.

“We were just so happy singing, not a care in the world about those poor sleeping souls. And I don’t think we ever got around to learning to play the song! Yet every time I hear it, it makes me smile.”

She finished that with a sweet smile of her own.

“Oh my God! I didn’t realize how late it is. I’ll get going OK!”

He just smiled again, and nodded as she ran.

No one quite heard him say quietly “When I hear that song, I think of you. Now I’ll still think of you,” This was why he had chosen the song after all. “Only I guess I will be smiling at it too”.

His smile was bittersweet.

But remembering her story again, he laughingly shook his head, got up and walked slowly to his car.

That Glass Bowl

2011-07-18T14:46:00.003+05:30

The pen was lazily being twirled on the table, as she looked on.
An onlooker might think she's day dreaming. With her chin resting on one hand and gaze fixed on a glass window. A close friend might have noticed that she was just a bit miffed.

It was the glass bowl.
She'd first noticed that glass bowl when someone had pointed out how funny that tiny thing had looked. It was hilarious. A small, round glass bowl that was at the tip of the table, looking like it was doing a balancing act.. Her first instinct had been to run to it's rescue, and push it securely to the center of the table. But then, they had all moved up, closer to the window to get a bet a look. It was cute in an adorably sad way, like the bowl is desperately clinging on, with a lot of positive hope, that one day I'll roll back to stability.

That was a while ago. A few months.
Every day since that day, started with standing and staring at the bowl for 2 minutes and thinking the exact same thing "Oh you still haven't fallen!"...invariable, followed by a "Phew".
Though she had never gotten around to 'rescuing' that bowl, a feeling which had somehow gotten lost in the initial flurry, she had developed a strange bond with that bowl.Initially, it had just been pleasant surprise.
Like something you know will never ever last, but then you see it day after day. Soon all the 'what if's start creeping in your minds.
She found herself thinking that Maybe, just maybe, this bowl will make it.

Now she wondered what on earth she was thinking! 'A day will come, when the bowl will not only be safe, but right in the center, being something more than just a bowl...transforming into a vase or a pretty pen holder.' Seriously!

The wish had transformed into hope. And before she realized it, she knew the bowl would be fine, rather than hoping it would be. It made a big difference. That little bowl sitting on the other side of the window.
She knew she's sound silly if she told anyone that some days, when she wanted to give up, that little bowl gave her the motivation she needed to keep at it.
Sometimes, she'd just look up, lost in thought, focus on the bowl by habit, and a smile would form itself on her face.
And yes, there have been days when she just wanted to go over and set it in a more secure position.

This day had started normally, with her going to the window to look at the bowl. It was missing. For one silly moment, she just wanted to turn away and walk, deciding someone had taken it. But she knew she had to look down. To confirm (it wasn't) the worst. The minute she looked, she knew she shouldn't have. There it lay. Or what was left of it, in pieces.
What was once a merry looking round bowl, now lay as shards which seemed to glint with cynicism.

It was just a bow, she knew that. Glass can break, she knew that well too. This one was all set to break from the moment she had set eyes on it.

It was just a bowl, damn it, so why was it affecting her so much?

It had been 2 hours, since she had first seen those shards.
2 hours with no work done.
2 hours of staring blankly at what used to be.

A tiny voice at the back of her mind was saying "You knew it was going to break", not in the I-Told-You-So tone, but more out of pity. It somehow seemed harder.
Regret? If she could do things differently, would she have rescued the bowl on the first day, and never cared about it? Or at least on one of those few days when the thought had struck her? She didn't know, and never would.

It was just a bowl.

But everything is just something isn't it?

What does anything mean anyway?
This bowl breaking made her sad. Disappointed that even it had broken.

Sighing, she got up, to go and pick up the shards.

Eating that frog

2011-07-15T16:22:00.001+05:30

We're back to old fashioned rants at Imaginative Realist.
Point of focus: My Job.

I have a nice job (weird way to start bitching about it, I know.Lets go with it though)
I have a nice job, great timings, my boss bugs me strictly only once a day (intensity varies, but number never does, so I like that consistency) and the work load is very decent.

I hate rejections.
Hate is an understatement.
I loathe and detest them.
I'm not one of those girls with a Princess Complex, who think they deserve everything, and shouldn't be denied anything. Nah unh.
I know what I deserve and what I don't. At least a rough idea.
So, when I know I won't get something, I either won't try going for it at all, and if I do gather up the courage, to go for something, when I don't know if it'll get approved or rejected, I go with ALL the doubts, the 'half' empty side might as well be an empty ocean, for the amount I'm prepared for the final 'no'. When it could be a yes too.
This could apply to anything. As simple as asking my sis if I could borrow a ear ring for a night. (Where the probability of a NO is like 5% is my point)
So, that's how much I hate rejections. I'm already making back up plans for how to handle the 'no' and what are my alternatives.
When I know it might be a no, my asking itself is "I know it's gonna be a no, I don't mind it, but se...."
Not very effective. (Ask the 2 guys I liked ;P )

Why am I blabbing about all that after saying my focus is on my Job today?
Because I joined my company's BD dept. What am I doing now? Sales.
Cold calling.
Which has probably got the highest rejection rates in the history of Rejections!!!!!!
I call people in Europe, who reject in the worst way possible: Very politely. Grrr.
At least reject rudely, and slam the phone down so I can hate you in peace.
Oh wait, no emotions in the work place....Eeeeeesh !
Not that one form of rejection is better than the other, but seriously?!

I can take mockery to great extents, i can take pranks like a sport, I can take all the anger/ misunderstanding you lash out on me, and patiently wait for you to calm down. I can take them all like a princess. But I can't take rejection. It .....

ARGH ! Chincha !

Well, that frog I had avoided for ever and ever, I'm eating that now.

So God, if You're up there and watching (You better be!) I've become more patient, and now I'm learning this too. So better do something fast !!!

Till then, .... well nothing, I'll wait.

Gummy Bears

2011-07-13T14:14:00.002+05:30

I like gummy bears. Do you like gummy bears?
Little, colorful, sweet, chewy, bear shaped things, that you can just mindlessly chew on for ages.
I don't like them in ice creams though... (irrelevant point)

All said, why are they shaped like bears? Why isn't it gummy rabbit or gummy lion?!
Why all the hype for bears anyway?! It's really weird.

We have teddy bears, bear hugs, stories about sweet bears and Goldilicks... Winnie the pooh is a bear, there was this British bear..er....Paddington Bear. Dr. Doolittle's Archie... in movies.
I'm pretty sure there are a hundred more that I missed.

Why are bears portrayed as such sweet things?
I have nothing against bears, really.
But I am curious!

Did anyone receive a nice squishy hug from a bear (and come out of it alive, to tell the tale!)?
Or did humans have bears as pets before they switched to the smaller and more compact dogs and cats? (They did have more space in the world, before all the population explosion and all! That's a thought to ponder!)
But nothing in classics, or mythologies really point towards humans actively taming and domesticating bears. (I don't think Enid Blyton's books count here).

How did bears became so popular for the children? Why are they portrayed as such adorably friendly creatures, when they aren't really.
Well if anyone ever find outs, do enlighten me on that!

In the meantime, want a gummy bear?

A Rose By Some Other Name

2011-07-11T12:06:00.001+05:30

There's a long email in my inbox.

A smile playing on my lips.

A tear threatening to fall.

I'm not here to write about any of that. I'm here to randomly wonder. And hypothesize.

(Doing a lot of that lately!)

What is the difference between the colour WHITE and SILVER?

Yes, silver has that sparkly, shimmery element to it, but otherwise, they're almost similar right?

Yet, when we say white, in our minds, we picture a...paper, a wall, soft fluffy clouds,.... beautiful white things. But, when we say silver, at least to me, there's an element of ...something more involved. I sense Christmas, I see shimmer, I see glittery stars... I feel a bit of magic.

Ok, that last bit might be slightly exaggerated, but try it, close your eyes, think silver, and see what comes to your mind, I bet you would get at least an inkling of magic in your images.

"What's in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet"

Said Shakespeare.

That is true, I totally agree.

Call a rose a pic and smell it, it would smell just as sweet.

Suddenly though, I'm wondering if a rose by any other name would have become so popular!

All over the world.

I'm pretty sure I've come across many flowers that have an aroma that is far sweeter than the rose, and I know that there are MANY MANY flowers that are much more beautiful than the rose.

So, what does a rose have that all of those prettier better smelling flowers don't have?

The name: Rose.

The name that has been forever associated with love and romance, an emotional significance, and cliched in every way possible. That's what the other flowers don't have.

So I think a rose, by any other name, would surely smell just as sweet, but would not have been half as popular.

So coming back to colours and words.

Words have a special ability, they can make the most drab and humdrum things sound exotic and spectacular.

For instance, if I described a girl with deep chocolatey eyes, and then a girl with brown eyes - Every characteristic, except the eye colour description same word for word, I'm certain the girl with chocolatey eyes would have looked better in your imagination.

I think that is the deal with white and silver. The association we've made with them over the ages. Agreed they're not the same, and do have a difference. Yet, they're not that different either. Our visual senses have associated silver with more ...interesting... shiny...sparkling things than those we have with white.

Visual tricks, just like with words.

Different part of our brain I guess.

This is just random wombling (wondering + rambling).

A stray 1 AM thought that I felt like exploring :)

All said, have a shimmery silvery day !!

Singing solace to the moon

2011-07-08T00:30:00.002+05:30

I can't sleep.
Something happened today... yesterday.
There I was, on the phone with my friend, discussing a particular emotion we felt towards a certain issue.
Then my aunt pops out of nowhere and virtually suggests a solution to it. I was game, can't say I accepted, because that comes much later.
I kept myself distracted from then on, so I didn't have to think about it.
It's been less than 6 hours since the suggestion was made. I read, I went window shopping, shopped eventually, came back and watched Kdrama, but even the smallest pause, like when I'm walking to get water, the thought creeps up on me.
The feeling, which is frighteningly becoming more and more familiar, is spreading inside.
The need...the urge to run, and keep looking back, because something might catch up is high.
I see myself in a mall, sitting down in a crowded mall, head resting on a wall, eyes closed,and hoping that the world will become a blur of unknown colors, sounds, smells and people, like in the mall. Where no one notices you.
This feeling... when I want to scream and close my eyes and wish everything were silent for one god damn moment, at the same time.
Fear. Panic.
My fists clench themselves and all I want to do is go to my dad and cry to him that I'm not ready for this. Please don't make me do that ever. I'll do anything else, except that.
I can't close my eyes, just can't. They open.
I wonder how many years I'll have to battle this, and when will this come to a rest.
I can't believe this is just the beginning.

A small part of me wishes, hopes (though I try not to) that maybe, just maybe, this fear might just go away.
Time will tell.

2 minutes

2011-07-06T18:05:00.003+05:30

I was stuck in traffic yesterday.

I ride a bike to office, and there’s always a traffic jam on my way back. I’ve gotten quite used to it. It’s my time, when I can think, count the number of bikes around me, look at flowers along side or do any random thing that catches my fancy at the moment.

Yesterday, diagonally in front of me, not very (not at all) far from my bike was another bike. This jam I get stuck in normally lasts a minimum of 10 minutes, when everyone inches their forward.

So, this bike in front of me was going to be in front of me for a while.

Why is that piece of information relevant?

Because on the bike in front of me was a man, riding pillion was his wife, and hugging the wife was a tiny sleepy, half-asleep baby with its teensie hand dangling over her (the mom’s) shoulder.

Tiny babies are awesome, aren’t they?

Especially the yawning drowsy ones!

I was so lost in admiring this one, smiling to myself, when all the vehicles moved forward a few inches.

The baby’s daddy riding slowly, and me having no need for such concerns, accelerating more, I moved a bit more forward than he did.

The result?

Tiny baby’s hand was dangling just above mine!!!

Total aaaaaaaaaaawwww moment.

I gave in to temptation and slowly touched the ultra soft baby palm with my pointy finger. The baby that had been half asleep, opened half it’s eyes (I have no clue whether it was a she or a he!) moved its hand a small bit till my pointy finger was firmly in its grasp, adjust its head, brushing cute chubby baby cheeks against the mother’s shoulder and went back to sleep with the most serene expression on its tiny baby face.

We were there probably for 2 minutes at the max, before the next burst of traffic movement.

I got to hold and stroke the hand that was hardly the size of 3 of my fingers put together. It was so soft, and the baby so adorable.

When the baby’s dad moved forward, there was this one moment when he/she held on tighter, trying not to let go… and I stretched my arms as far as I could till we had no choice but to break contact.

It was just a moment in life.

Not a life altering one. Not an important one.

Just a special one, worth remembering.

Hence this post, dedicated to that little baby who’s hand I got to hold for 2 minutes.

Who I like to believe felt safer for 2 minutes holding my hand, and who still brings a smile on my face, when I remember those 2 minutes.

My Dearest Li'l one,

2011-07-04T15:39:00.001+05:30

How are you?

You with hands so tiny, you need both of them to cold your bottle, and all your strength to drink from it.
You with trust so great, that my little finger is enough to make you feel secure.
You with a smile so open it can make the hardest heart feel happiness.
You so tiny, all set to explore the world.
The world, your world filled with strange giants.

If you like someone, give them a hug with your little hands.
Hold on tight and never let go.
Kiss them too.
Smile a lot and laugh a lot more.
If you want to cry, cry.
Don't let anyone get mad at you for crying, especially me.
And if I'm not doing it already, hold me when you cry. It feels better to do so on a shoulder.

I know you'll trust me enough to repeat anything I say, as loud as your little voice will carry it. Remind me to teach you to say 'I love you'. Say it as many times as possible, and to as many as possible.

If someone tells you that they love you, tell them that you love them too. At your age, I know you will with all your heart.

Play in the sand,

Dance in the rain,

Sing off key with all the words wrong at the top of your lungs

Eat with both your hands,

Chase ants

Scribble on all that you find

Smear chocolate all over your face

Draw on the walls

Sleep 14 hours a day.

You might never get to do those things in a few years.

Expect me to pay more attention to you, even when I say I'm doing something, and don't ever forget that you are more important to me that anything else.

Don't be afraid to scrape your knees, I'll take care of them for you, and they heal.

Climb as high as you want to, as long as I'm there, I'll keep you safe.

There are a thousand more things I want to say to you,

Ten thousand ideas on how to be the perfect mother,

Millions of doubts and fears about the same

And a billion things I want to do with you.

Love you with all of my heart,

Yours always.

P.S: Penning these thoughts down now, in case I forget them in the flurry when you come.

Little pieces of me

2011-06-30T16:01:00.003+05:30

Somewhere between a dream and my imagination
I see myself setting up a comfy seat made of sand along the beach, music plugged into one ear. Every time I see myself there, the genre of music playing is different. Sometimes it’s blues, sometimes it’s metal, and sometimes its ballads. One thing is consistent every time I see myself there; I always go there alone, but someone joins me. I'm not sure who. I'm sure I didn't invite them there.
That person and I just sit there. Conversation if any is very scarce. The need to fill awkward gaps goes away after a short while. But there are a lot of unanswered questions hanging, which both of know needn't be addressed right then. So we just let them be.

Many of us have a soul presence... which is very similar to our physical presence at where ever we are, only the soul presence is a feeling. A sense of being, which can sometimes be more real to us than our physical surroundings. In the soul presence, time moves slower, and the number of people around us are much more filtered.
My soul surrounding has been, for a few months now, a forest. In the middle of it. Neat, but not the pretty kinds. There ain't no stream near by, no colorful flowers, just a lot of shade and soft grass to tread/ sleep on. I feel like I ended up there by a mistaken choice, and that choice was the last resort, and though I did fight, I fought all the wrong sides because I didn't know who was with and who was against me. So post all the fighting, I ended up at that quiet part of the forest. Though initially restless, I succumbed to the exhaustion and stayed still for a while.
Now I feel like I'm waking up, and I'm tired of how still everything is around me. No air, no movement.

All the various broken little pieces of me I had left lying all around me, thinking I would never bother picking up again are still there. I see myself cautiously picking up one or two and examining them.
Considering put them back again.
The problem with this stage is, there is a lot of remorse associated with each piece. Each piece has a ton of memories and emotions attached to it. Putting them together again means dealing with those pieces.

Now that I am awake, I also realize that people who were with me have gone ahead.
A part of me just wants to shut eye and go back to that temporarily insane peacefulness. I know that it's not the best option. So I just sit, fidgeting with the pieces.

As I sit at the beach, I watch the sun slowly setting, sending the world into an array of colors. I'm not moving, but I'm wondering if and when that other person will.

For the first time

2011-06-28T21:29:00.004+05:30

We all dream of the first time something will happen. Some of us even have it planned out to the last detail in our heads. First times are special ...

First sleepover, first movie with friends, first time at the beach for a sunrise (long time dream come true, and oh! the planning that went into that one!!), the first (and only) time I walked all the way to school, the first time I met my college professor (and of course being terrified ).

Then there are the more special ones... first time I rode my bike, my first saree, first time I took my mom on a ride, the first time I was hugged by a guy who wasn't related to me by blood (and thinking "Oh crap! This is not how it's supposed to be!" , I for obvious reasons did not hug him back. )

Last weekend, I drove solo for the first time.

I took my grand ma and my sister to the shop (on the main road), parked, U turned, and got back all by myself, without someone going "BREAK !!!!", 'CLUTCH, before the gear', "Turn left...LEFT !!!" (I'm slightly directionally challenged). I drove and got back all by myself, with 2 trusting (maybe not so trusting :P ) souls sitting in the car with me.

The first time I rode solo, without my dad guiding me, I took my mom on a ride. There is this U turn, at a signal, close to where I live, and when I took it, slightly lost balance, but managed to soldier on without any major problems, she said "I thought if you manage this, I knew I could be confident of your riding skills". She couldn't be confident that day, but I had many opportunities to show off my riding skills to her.
Back then, I just knew, not thought, but knew, that when I drive solo for the first time, she'd be riding shotgun with me. Then suddenly so many things were happening, and I never got to even learn to drive when she was there. The sad part was I was eligible to get my driving license about 7 months before it all began. I had put it off as something trivial. Then it was too late.
I got my license 3 months too late.

This was why I never really wanted to drive. I said I did, but gave silly reasons for not doing so. Because it was sad that she wouldn't be sitting next to me, smiling proudly and secretly deciding in her head which part would certify me as a confident driver.
I did it this weekend, I did it with 2 other important people in my life. I did it so I could have something to tell her about. I did it without her.
It was sad, but it was not that bad.

Was it worth the almost 4 year wait? Don't know.

Did I need 4 years to finally be ready to do this? I think so. I think she knows so too.

Now I'm ready.

I don't know if I've ever told anyone about this, but this is the same case with the men in my life.
My mom knew all about my first (and till date, only) boyfriend. We hadn't started dating then, but she knew about him, and she knew I liked him. She's even defended him and said I should be more patient with him when I told her about how he could sit quietly and wait for me to say something instead of starting a conversation himself. She knew.

She doesn't know about either of the 2 people I've liked after. Like driving, there was absolutely no fun in crushing over someone when I couldn't run home and discuss it in detail with my mom. I can almost imagine it, she's be sitting on her corner of the couch, and I'd be sitting on one of the single seaters, legs up and going on a mile a minute about how bugging he is, which only she would understand means I like him even though I don't want to. Only she would understand how I have been forever fighting a phobia involving men, and how even so much as having a crush on a tangible person will throw my balance off. She's defend him, and help in, in the way only she had, accept the feelings without too much fear and make sure I had my head on my shoulders as I do so. She'll talk me through it, till I know if it's just a school girl crush or more. And after all the talking, and after we've spent an evening doing other things, at night when I'm standing with her in the kitchen, as she cooks, she'll pull my leg about it, with her adorable wicked grin in all of her good humor, adding dialogues about how her little bird is taking flight.

She wouldn't know... not directly from me. She's probably watching from some where, but it's not the same. Not the same as lying on her lap when things get so overwhelming, and feeling all the storms calm down as she gently brushes the hair near my ears as she reads a book. Closing it the minute I turned, and started saying whatever, and never once losing patience even if I had interrupted her.
I miss her.
I have been terribly missing her, and I know I always will.

But I am learning to move on.
She cannot be replaced, but I also can't not do many things because she's not there to do it with me. If that happened, I'll get a royal ear full the day I meet her again up there. Also, she wouldn't be proud of me.

I drove solo, I will do the other things too.
Don't know if I'm ready to, but ... baby steps.

Love you 'mmy.

Trust hypothesis

2011-06-27T14:13:00.001+05:30

Developmentally, we are programmed to start learning to let go of many things during our young adulthood.This learning happens slowly, and in stages. The letting go is also done in that way, to ensure there is no sudden shock.
We learn to stop relying on our parents, economically and emotionally.
We learn to stop having completely organized lives that school and college gave us.

I might have just listed just 2 things, but I think you would know that both of those things, especially the first incorporates a billion smaller things within itself.

So as we grow older, most of us learn to save bits of ourselves. Little bits here and there which is not for anyone but ourselves. We learn that as we grow older, people and things we love don't stay forever, and every time someone leaves, they take a bit of our hearts with them.
Be it a break up, or later on, when a child moves out of the house.

When we're born, we're all born with a lot of ....trust issues (:P). Have you noticed how tightly a baby holds on to you, or how loudly it screams when someone new try to pick it up (most babies). We're not born very trusting.
Somewhere between our second year and fifth year, we learn to trust implicitly. To the extent that our parents have to repeatedly tell us not to talk or accept anything from strangers. This trust usually lingers on till we start learning to let go.

I'm hypothesizing that our trust development is divided into 3 stages:
1. No trust (0 to 2-3 yrs)
2. Implicit trust (3 to 16)
3. Conditional trust (18 onward)

Have you noticed that in the movies, the guy or the girl with major trust issues is usually the one who had a 'dark past'? Maybe a kidnap, or drowning, single parent, lost as a kid, whatever ... those character sketches are usually portrayed as people with trust issues.

I think that when something so huge happens when we're young, the implicit trust is shaken to an extent that we revert to stage one. The reverting may happen completely, or just in parts based on the severity of the issue.Stage 3 requires a lot of learning, and is attained in very rare cases when they are already almost there, precociously.
So these people go back to stage one, and have to do their learning from there. I guess that's why dealing with them, especially if you're in some sort of relationship with them is a tad difficult.
Not that they won't ever trust you, but it takes longer to pass stage one, then in that period of the relationship when you get them to learn to trust, they cross a period of stage 2, very cautiously. If anything happens then, even the slightest question of trust, they revert to stage 1. But if you hold on long enough, they will get to stage 3. And might just make it worth the wait :P

This is my hypothesis ;)

1 AM

2011-06-23T13:01:00.002+05:30

There's a song that's running on a loop in my mind.
It's Korean, so I have no idea what the translation of the bit that's playing itself right now is.
(I will promise you by Jang Geun Suk)
All I know is that it's a beautiful song, my current favorite, and the guy singing it was looking too damn serene when singing it. Singing to someone to trust him in taking the worries away.

It is not 1 AM now, it's broad day light.
But there's this feeling. One I can't seem to shake off. On and off for the past few days. At it's height last night, or this morning at 1 AM.

9 PM found me telling myself that I should sleep early, because I have to go into work early tomorrow.
9.20 PM found me starting a fresh new KDrama. I'd finished one of those just yesterday morning. I normally spend a few days listening to the songs before starting another, if I want to. But not yesterday.
11.00 PM: Wishing it was some one's birthday today, so I'd have a reason to stay awake.
11.58 PM: Drama going fine, and I'm calling my friend who's birthday was yesterday, just to wish him last on his b'day. Guess the dude was luckier than me in being able to fall asleep.
12:00 AM: I put my phone away, reminded myself (yet again) that I should go to sleep. I drank water, came back and continued watching.
12:45 AM: Eyelids drooping, but I don't want to stop watching. So I do the one thing that might make me stop. This is something I do ONLY with KDramas - Watch the last scene of the last episode. The ones I watch always have a happy ending. I did that, forced myself to turn it off after.

I then sat there at the edge of my bed for God knows how long, in the dark, staring at the floor.

I wish I knew who controlled time. If only I could persuade her/him to let me take a sneak peak at the last scene of my last episode, I'll know what to expect . May be that'll give me the hope and inspiration to find the best possible way to get there.

My only nightmares have dogs in them, and they occur only after particularly adrenalin raising encounters with that species. So I knew I didn't have nightmares to worry about.
Yet I couldn't sleep. Not that I couldn't fall asleep, more that I didn't want to.
So I stared at the floor.

I did eventually make myself sleep. I woke up an hour before my alarm rang.

Life feels like that right now.
Like I'm sitting in the dark, barring the dim light from the air conditioner.
Not wanting to sleep, not wanting at all, so much so that I'd rather just stare at the floor.
I didn't even care about shadow patterns or trying to identify shadow people. It was a trivial hassle that held no meaning anyway. Just like there was no possible identifiable reason for not wanting to sleep.

I will promise you

Don’t sit there and cry, hold my hand
I will protect all of you
I won’t leave you alone, as an outsider
Because I have your heart in my heart
I want to understand your sadness
I just want to express the warmth

Don’t sit there and cry, look at my eyes
Tell me all your old memories
Erase everything that should be forgotten
I’ll always stand here for you
I want to understand your sadness
I just want to express the warmth

I will promise you
I will keep the promise because it’s you
I’ll protect you
I’m always in front of you
Oh, I’m here

No matter how many times,
it’s okay to restart
Don’t doubt that precious dream

I will promise you
I will keep the promise because it’s you
I’ll protect you
I’m always in your mind
Oh, I’m here

Forget all the sorrows and take my hand
I will protect all of you
I won’t leave you alone, as an outsiderBecause I have your heart in my heart

That's the translation of the song that's running in my head. Its from the drama I finished yesterday.

It ended wrong. She ended up with the wrong guy. But she was fine, in the drama.

I don't feel lost. I have absolutely no clue about where I am. I have even lesser of an idea of how to to get out of here. But I know I consciously took the wrong turn at some point. A point I cannot return to, as it no longer exists, so I can't go back, and go the right way. So I'm stuck here. Unable to even feel lost, because I brought myself here.

This wouldn't be that big a deal, probably. It probably would have just been Quitting at the wrong moment, or saying the wrong thing to the wrong person at the wrong time in the worst possible manner, or just a bad work situation, or just feeling sad because a friend went very very far away. If she had been here.

Hell, if she'd been here, she would have been the one who had urged me to quit, she would've been the one who had stayed by my side till I saw my project through, What I said, had I still chosen to say it, would have come out perfectly, and a friend leaving wouldn't have made me feel so left behind.

But she isn't, and hasn't been for, what is, in 3 days going to be 4 years. 4 whole years.

I'm not perfect and shiny, but I'm not dark and twisty either.

I am broken and terrified.

I used to be terrified of all the things that could go wrong, and of all the people who could hurt me by just simply walking away. Now I'm also terrified about how I will survive will all this insecurity, and fears.

I've used up every last bit of hope I had a few months ago. I have nothing left except a friend who is far far away, a family to whom I can't show anything except my absolutely held together side, many many broken shards that I'm too exhausted to piece together again, a whole bunch of memories that are determined to haunt every waking and sleeping moment of mine and what feels like an ocean of tears that I can't shed even a drop of... because if I do, I'll break. The last bit of me I'm holding together without a choice, and with every last ounce of strength I have will crash. And there is no one to hold me together. No one.

I'm lonely... so so lonely.

And that last day I had with her keeps playing over and over again...

They say there is this moment, after a person dies, when they look perfectly peaceful and you know you can let them go. Just for one moment. I didn't see that. I refused to. I refused to see her after they decided to move her from the bed that I lay her on. The bed she lay, looking just like she was sleeping. Those 3 days where there were more people around me than I can imagine, 3 of the haziest days, yet the memories are still so vivid. Conversations. People trying to comfort, saying the nicest and absurdest things, things I'll always remember, but they'll never have the impact.

There was this point, that June, when I was so tired, that I wished that it get over already, so I could get on with life again. If I had had any idea that the pause would extend so long, I would at least have spared myself the pain of that wish. But she was in so much pain ...

I can't say 2007 was the worst year of my life, because it had her in it. I can't say the day she crossed over was the worst day of my life because I still did speak to her that day. I can't say any of the days that ensued immediately after were the worst because I still felt her then.

I don't feel her anymore.

I don't feel anything too deep anymore.

I don't feel me right now.

I just feel a blank numbing emptiness that is pressing itself into the core of my being, onto every part of me, that all I can feel is the desperate need to shut down. Not sleep. Shut down.

Like I said...This June was never going to be easy.

She didn't end up with the right guy, but she did end up with the guy who sang that song, so I think she'll be fine. (In case you're wondering who...that girl from the drama)

College

2011-06-22T17:18:00.002+05:30

Today's my sister's first day at college.

Remember yours?

Mine was 6 years ago, doesn't seem like that long ago, considering all that, that has passed between that day when I was an eager, young, fresh out of school "College girl" for the first time and today, when I'm a Young, working adult.

So many things have changed indeed.

I remember stepping into my first day, with all of my 17 year old doubt and apprehensions. Entering and thinking "Hey this looks just like school on Children's day! (when u don't have to wear uniforms)"

I went to a convent school, and then I went to a Girl's College, you see.

My first impression rapidly went through a reassessment after all the conversations I heard.Not very school girlish anymore.

I remember odd bits and pieces of my first day at college:

Standing in front of a Lily Pond and taking an oath never to fall in love with the dry cleaner like "Silly Lily" did.
Standing on an elevated patch of grass and swearing never to back stab a friend, like the girl playing Brutus did to her friend who was acting as Ceacer.
Being taken on long complicated paths to blocks that had a direct simple approach in 'pairs'
Sitting in a room with high tables and chairs (which was the lab, that later became the beloved gossip/ counselling place)
Shy 'hi's to the girl walking next to me
being shocked at the audacity of the girl who 'spoke too much right on her first day'. She eventually discontinued to join a different course in a different university.
Sitting for the first time in a class that had as much windows as walls, the third floor class room, which had the heavenliest views of the trees around.
I saw did more classifications and stereotyping than I had in a life time!

So on....and on. And all that was just the beginning.

I just got off the phone with a girl I didn't speak to properly till my 3rd year, and now she's one of my very best friends. Good beginning. Awesome experiences.

Most number of exhilarating "First times", most dreams achieved, and more dreamt... College was fun.

Today I briefly relived who I was, and loved it :)

Gonna make a conscious effort to be mentally that young and dream that high again !

Love 'n' Alone

2011-06-21T16:26:00.000+05:30

Meredith: "There is a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasnt because I thought I would be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love? And then you don't have it. What if you like it? And lean on it? What if you shape your life around it? And then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is, death ends. This? It could go on forever . . ."

Grey's Anatomy, season 7, ep 22.
Unaccompanied Mirror

Expectations and Availability

2011-06-18T10:50:00.000+05:30

Playing hard to get.

I never understood that concept. When you like someone why would you want to be hard to be gotten?

Give and take
Meet me half way

Now I get it. Make yourself available, and everyone just bloody walks all over you.
I used to think that I have to meet others expectations, and not disappoint them. Even the slightest ones. It was never about not saying no, to me, it used to be why say no, when I just might be able to do it. Even if it means taking an extra step in the opposite way, and strapping down some of the regret or doubts I had.

Now I realize it was just plain stupid.
The world can be a better place if we just keep each other happy. It's not so difficult.
But I realize now, that it is difficult when you take all the trouble, and no one notices. And no one bothers to take the trouble for you, because you're just the push over anyway. What can she want.

So now, I've learnt my lesson. (Hope I did). The cliched hard way.
I know I will be trying to meet every one's expectations again, because its become a habit. But I'm going to take a conscious effort not to.
I'm going to take a step back. Then many more.

Compromise. I can't play hard to get, if I want to be gotten. But right now, I'm so sick of the games other people play, that it makes it simple for me to be hard to get.

Some people ask me why I do stuff alone. The answer only a handful of people I know will get.
Sometimes, its simpler to do things alone, happily, than to put on a fake smile for someone.

Meeting people halfway.
Makes sense.
An art everyone around me seems to have a handle over. Damn it.
Adulthood sucks.

Jane Austen

2011-06-15T14:05:00.001+05:30

This morning, as I was sitting and making something, the climax "Emma" the movie was playing in my head. The Gwenyth Paltrow one. And I was thinking what a big pity it was that the last scene was just him proposing, and them discussing staying arrangements.
Jane Austen's novels had many admirable qualities, one thing that I really loved was the last chapters. She almost never just ended with; she said yes or they kissed and they lived happily ever after.
There was more. Be it Elizabeth's spirits, Darcy's admirable calm with Lady Lucas, Emma not calling Mr. Knightly - George, and offering to call him Mr. K, and finally settling for "My Mr. Knightly" or Brandon's generosity.
It was something of a smooth landing. Not just 'the flight landed' but 'The flight landed, and the passengers reached their destinations safely'.
Her books gave me the warm feel good factor.

Remember my friend who left the country? He gives me the warm feel good factor.
I maybe an optimist with regards to something, I maybe a pessimist about others.
When it comes to people though, I'm a hard core pessimist. I've tried, and failed at being anything but. I'm always expecting them to leave me and go. I'm prepared for it. So they eventually do it. Or not. But I expect them to leave, meaning I don't trust them to stay.
When someone tells me that I'm bugging them, I stay away, completely away.
I prefer leaving first. Good byes are messy, and I'm bad at it, especially when waving to someone who is leaving. I don't like them. Because I invariably expect to never see most of them again. I don't like letting go. Just too many things I don't like about them.
When college ended, I was the first to leave. I was over and out within 3 hours, when many stayed up to 3 days after.
So when he left the country, and didn't bother trying to meet me to say bye before he left, I quickly went through the 5 stages of Grief... of letting go

Denial: I just hoped he wouldn't go
Anger: God knows he felt a lot of that
Bargaining: I did it differently, I tried to quickly find a replacement friend - but that's no so easy :) (Now I know)
Depression: Y'all know all about this one
And finally: Acceptance: I'm telling you, I've mastered these 5 stages. They should crown me queen of Letting Go!

So I left my city before he left the country, though I was not keeping well then. In my head, I'd left first. And I considered that the book of our friendship was over. I was ready for the epilogue, which would later happen when he came back and invited me to his wedding or something. I'd all but written "The End" after the rough draft of even the epilogue.

So there I was at my friend's place, doing what I do best in times like this: Keeping myself busy. And he called. There was a grin plastered on my face.

Of course I'm a girl, and when I say I'm fine with him leaving my life forever - I don't mean it. He calls regularly, and apart from the fact that I know he's not 10 kms away, its almost the same. Only we talk about Netherlands instead of random everyday thing. That topic of a new country and all its nuances is still hot. And since there's so much more to talk about, or hear about, we talk more frequently too!

The pessimist that I am still waits for the day he no more needs an old friend to talk about new things to, the day when he makes awesome new friends right there, that he won't need me anymore.

For now though, I'm glad I didn't have to bang that book shut.
I'm glad that the story isn't over so abruptly.

I'm glad that the passengers are reaching their destinations safely.

The book has a much better feel when we know for sure that Elizabeth's spirits rose again right? I for one am happy she didn't become broody and boring for good and bounced back to playfulness ;)

Darcy

2011-06-15T13:22:00.001+05:30

I'm sure 80% of the girls from Austen's generation to mine were in love with Mr. Darcy or Mr. Knightley at some point of their adolescence. I was too. Darcy was my first biggest crush. We used to fight over him, and discuss him with aaahs and ooohs. I've read Pride and Prejudice more than 50 times, and I can almost quote all of his dialogues. With that expertise, I can tell with certainty, that Darcy wasn't that well described, apart from his "tall, handsome man of a large fortune", "proud and abominable" and the various 'meaningful glances' and observations he made, there was not much else about him.
Yet, I still sigh over him. And we (the 80% of us) still hope for someone like him.

Why? I think, what Darcy had to offer was stability. He held on. Even after the worst rejection, he hoped, and loved. He loved her for her imperfections - which he saw as perfections. And he found her quirks adorable, though he might sigh over them. He knew his worth, and he also knew when to say sorry. And he was ready to go that extra mile for the woman he loved.

That's it, that's all we all want.

Mixed feelings

2011-06-07T17:12:00.002+05:30

It finally happened last Saturday.
He left.
He's not my boy friend, not even close. Though many may doubt it.
He is more. He's my best friend.

I know that I have been doubting and questioning it for a while now. To the extent that I decided it was good he was leaving. For him. Eventually for me. I thought we had grown apart, and were being friends because we got used to it.

What had happened was the age old man-woman cliche. I had changed, and he hadn't. He was dealing with me like he used to deal with the girl I was. I am dealing with him in the way I imagine he should have changed into. A whole load of misunderstandings, which lead to a whole bunch of doubts, which lead to a lot of hurt... complicating everything.

Some things needn't have been said, and somethings should have been done.
Time, age and ego came in between that.
Now, there is a great big distance between us. Literally. 1000s of miles.
They say distance makes the heart fonder. His last message to me, before he left the country was; "It probably doesn't matter to you, But I have your dream catcher with me"
It mattered to me...and it made me happy, and wonder if it was too late. It wasn't, we're good. The distance didn't rift us too far off.

There still are the sudden pangs of missing, when I look at my phone in the morning to check the time, and his Good Morning isn't there, when I suddenly feel bored at work, and I can't text him or call him with an "Enna panra?"
There's also the knowledge that things would never be the same again between us, not after he comes back, and is all set to get engaged and married. A guy in that situation here, cannot take a girl on a drive because she wants to just go.
It's been a long journey, I'm wishing it had been longer, and it was a fun journey. Parts of which, I realize now, I took for granted, and shouldn't have.

Though the fact that he's keeping in touch has me really relieved, I'm also aware now that I banked too much on him.

Now I'm slightly lost. Wondering if certain feelings for somebody is because I'm rebounding, and I also noticed that I've become much quieter. Much much quieter. I don't text even 1/10th as much as I used to. I'm fine sitting for hours watching random sitcoms, or a book. I need more diversion and I'm getting it too luckily, but I also know that at one point, I'll have to turn off my laptop, stop doing whatever I'm doing, stop running at a 100miles an hour and face whats in front of me.

Till then, I'm going to keep running, because right now, that's the only pace I feel safe at.

Parallelly yours

2011-06-03T13:35:00.002+05:30

I feel like my insides are neatly divided into 2.
One normal self - mind minded, talking, laughing, doing all the things she's supposed to be doing. The composed one.
Another part - crashing, pulling herself together, bleak or hopeful.

These 2 parts of myself co-exist, and the first one, lets call her Jane, is dominant when I'm in public, at work, with friends.
The second one, lets call her Wendy, is who I am when I'm alone, and with very very few select friends.

I'm pretty sure everyone has this divide. I'm so glad God made it because, if not for that, I might never wake up from my bed some days, or I might never stop jumping for joy sometimes.

Good thing that :)

Saltwater room

2011-06-03T12:35:00.000+05:30

Its clicking in ... I can feel it slowly falling whithering away.
Like those statues that disappear into dust in the movies.
It feels like a rerun... a record being played where someone is screeching it into rewind and present, and I just want to shut my eyes tight, cover my ears and ball up hoping for it to stop.
Memory's a bitch.

June 2007:
I can still remember it like it was 5 minutes ago. I remember where she was sitting. I remember which direction she was facing me, and I remember her tone as she said,'so that's how you felt all these years'. There maybe hundreds of things that I've said or not said that might warrant regret. But this was one conversation that I was so glad I had, and yet so sad that I had to have. That was a conversation between a mother and daughter, accepting each other as themselves, becoming friends.
I still remember her saying "so my bird has learnt to fly"
That conversation was closure.

June 2011
A friend is leaving. Our friendship has been anything but smooth for the past several months. We used to be in sync once. Now we're, or at least I am in a love hate relationship. Loving him for he was, whom he was to me , hating him for what he became and finding it so hard to let go. Because he wont. I told him yesterday, I have been telling on and off, when I couldn't take it anymore, how and what I really feel about him. And why. He being who he is, pretends those conversations never happened. It has always been like this, we never talk about anything remotely close to the word feelings. There is too much water under the bridge now. Its this close to capsizing and breaking the bridge. This ain't no closure. This is pure frustration. Which just makes me want to scream.
But all I can think of is, why June ?! And how on earth can you think that things would be fine? Time would tell, he told me. Time told me over and over again of how easily he disregarded my feelings and called me insensitive for not being 'understanding and supportive'.

June 2007, 18th morning
I went to a hill station for 2 days with a friend. I still always think that was the last time we ever really bonded. That was the last time life felt 'normal' and we were completely ourselves. Before the roller coaster of life showed its ugly side, throwing us anywhere it chose to.
It was midnight, June 18, 12 AM, Birthday cake was out, and my daring sister who has never been big on birthdays had to be all but kicked awake. That was the last birthday we celebrated together. The 3 of us.
Dad was out of town then. I remember the cake. I remember her strained smile. I remember the look on my grandmother's face because she knew. Like we all did. That this was going to be the last birthday she'll celebrate on earth.

June 2011
Its still just the dawn of June. My weekends are crazy booked, so I can take my mind of this. But its not happening. My mind is empty. I feel like I'm standing in an empty room, staring at a calendar. With one date box covered completely in bloody red.. And another, with splotches on it. All my plans, my clever idea at staying busy, are like fading pencil marks. Which I would have to strain to look at, even if my brain did allow me to stop staring at the red.
The room is slowly filling up with all the saltwater. From the tears. Which won't stop. And when they do, my eyes are tear stained and blotchy, and with no focus.

I don't feel lost. You need to be somewhere to be lost.
I feel like I'm the middle of no where, All I can see is white emptiness. If I close my eyes, its black emptiness.
I've heard these song lyrics which go "This emptiness is killing me", Those words sound so smooth. It doesn't feel that way.
I feel like I'm standing inches from the edge. I used to be short tempered, then I became completely placid. That's wearing of. Like I had been napping, and now I'm waking up, and finding that I'm actually standing at the brink. Anything can push me over the edge.

She comes in all my dreams, but she's not there, she's always out with someone and is expected back soon. Why won't she at least let me see her face?!

I'm drained. I'm tired. I'm exhausted.

All I can smell is saltwater. I don't know to swim. And I've very scared that I might lose the will to try to breathe, and stay above the water.

I might have learnt to fly mummy, but I still don't know if I'm ready to.

Reasons and Reactions

2011-06-02T17:17:00.001+05:30

This post is in effect a disclaimer, to everyone in my life, who know me well enough to know about my blog too.
June 2011 is going to be bad.
I'm glad it started with a rainy day. But I can tell you in advance, the mood whether forecast: Mixed, confused, angry, irritated, lonely, desperate, placid, neutral, clingy, detached. Basically, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna have major mood swings. This month is starting with a good bye, said in the suckiest way possible.
Many many weddings, which I will be attending alone.
Another anniversary, and the calls related to it. Planning for that. As a family. A job that's getting me no where in life, and absolutely no life plan. And I have, still have, feeling for someone, or do I? I have confused feelings. Knowing me, its just defense mechanism.
The later half don't really amount to that much.

This June, I'm going to feel left alone, lonely and lost more than in a long time (yes April 2011 too probably) because this June, I'm home, and my numbness apparently had a 3 yr limit, its starting to wear off, and I can feel it.
Don't ask me anymore, it might open a damn, or I might run away.
The reasons for all my activities this just, may be varied, but my reactions, please just bear with them.
And if you are part of my life, and I seem more detached than ever, sit next to me if possible.

But then again, No one (not many) really cares if you're miserable, or if I'm miserable. So :P

Feather in the wind

2011-05-31T22:19:00.000+05:30

I went on a trip, met a LOT of wonderful people, saw some of the most beautiful places in the world, felt a lot of new things, and did what I've always wanted to do, go somewhere perfect, just sit and write, as I smiled :) Grinned like an idiot sometimes, as I looked out the window, and found myself falling in love.
I wrote so many things in my head, but to put it down, I found myself reaching for my journal.

Today, as it struck me again that it's the last day of May. June will begin tomorrow. With its share of musings and brooding, and how much more alone I will be this year. This June, after the messy God bye I will be saying soon enough.
Good byes are always messy, and I've always sucked at it. My strategy has always been to leave first. Won't work this time, so June is gonna start with a Good bye.
All this struck me as I was watching Grey's anatomy, and I wanted to come here. I wanted to blog. I wanted to write it all out here.
But, all my good memories, my happy moments, my really happy moments found themselves a cosy page in my diary or journal in my cupboard.

Initially I felt guilty for my blog. Like I was ill treating it, dumping on it. This place is like my best friend, or so I thought, to whom I tell everything. But, my best friends know me as a goofy, cheerful, impulsive, happy go lucky person who occasionally goes into bouts of sadness, or broodiness. OK, sometimes, more than occasionally, though not that often.... but you don't know that do you? :)

I think this blog is like a field for me... a wide open field, with trees for shade, but not so many. Just a few. You know those soft pink flowers, with like a million tendril like petals we blow into the wind ? That's what I do here.
This is a place where I can come and blow the feather into the wind, so it will go ... where ever ...just blow away, and I can walk back with one load less to carry :)

The feather ain't always something sad. It might depict a tear or a thought, just something I wanna put out there, so I don't have to worry about it anymore.
And this is where I come to blow it away, because I know they're safe here :)

Princess of Far Far away... (still in the making)

2011-05-26T11:07:00.000+05:30

I plan on flying away

To a land far far away

Where the wind , the trees they sway

There ain't a single day thats grey

Lightning, thunder, and rain it may

My sadness though, forever at bay

Where everyone is happy and gay

Never an evil word they say

Stuck

2011-05-24T12:33:00.000+05:30

To those of you who don't understand....

IZZIE: "Like you were moving in slow motion?"
MEREDITH: "He was there and then he wasn’t. Like I blinked and he was gone."
IZZIE: "I feel like... I'm moving in slow motion. Like I’m moving in slow motion and everything around me is moving so fast and I just wanna go back... to when things were normal... when I wasn’t poor Izzie laying on the bathroom floor in her prom dress with her... her dead fiancé. But I am, so I can’t. And I’m.. just stuck. And there’s all this pressure cause everyone’s hovering around me waiting for me to do something or say some thing or flip out or yell or cry some more and I’m happy to play my part. I’m happy to say the lines and do what ever it is that I’m supposed to be doing if it will make everyone feel more comfortable... but I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to be this person. I don’t know who this person is."

(Grey's Anatomy; Season 3, episode 1)

Its been years, and you learn to live, laugh and love again.
You will get up from the bathroom floor. You will step back into the fast moving world.
But some parts of you, a few really essential parts of you get stuck there. Just stuck. And you'll want to keep going back there, because that was the last place you were together. It is in effect the memory of some of your happiest moments, where you go, and it feels like something is caught in your throat. Just wedged there. You can't breathe. But its the place...you know? You want to stay there, because ... just because you were once a complete person there.

I'll hope you never have to fully understand for a long long time ...

One week to Payday!

2011-05-23T18:38:00.002+05:30

My salary account is running on reserve, and for the week that's coming up, the week before payday I've got big plans!

Plans:

3 day trip to hill station

Leave already applied for
Stay arranged
Travel and Food expenses need to be taken care of

An application form

Which can thank fully wait till after payday though that would mean I'd be brushing it a bit close to the dead line.

An unsupressable urge to to go on a shopping spree

OK, you're probably raising your eye brows on me at this one, but I really wanna shop! And it's a while since I had such an urge!! So yup, that's my excuse, and I'm going for it. :P

Shopping would use up at least 60% of my avail. bal. That leaves about 40% for the trip. That's cutting it very close too, unless I wanna starve and walk to all of the 8 places I wanna see there! But, there are 3 other options: Bad ones, but nonetheless, loans from

She got an advance of her birthday money (haha)
It'll be a purely business deal
But she's my younger sis! so ...you know?

Grandma or Dad

Slightly embarrassing to go to them for money after I've started earning
Bigger problem: "You planned a trip, where you want to go alone, and you don't even have enough money saved up?!?! How irresponsible is that ? Please go after you're able to take care of yourself. Don't worry, we'll all go somewhere soon"

So those are the 2 options, which I might have to stoop to.
If you're wondering what all the hoo-ha is about... why I'm so hyper about this (Now now, don't roll your eyes and go, 'when haven't you?' Its because this whole thing has brought in me 2 very strong feelings, one I love and one that I had missed dearly!

The one I missed was budgeting. I'm a single girl who lives with her parents. My food and stay is taken care of. Even my gas is filled for me by my dad every week. My salary more than covers for all my whims and fancies (yes, even though I might complain about it's littleness many times :P). It was...is my birthday month, so the beginning of this month saw all my savings, and a huge lump of my salary went into my birthday gift to myself, add to it a few treats, a dress I made for my sis , and I'm all but broke.
I've had a feeling, on and off, that people my age don't really have to earn so much. It all goes into savings or shopping once we're done with repaying our debts which got us to where we are.
Till I was a school girl, I was an avid saver. I would save up months of allowance for gifts. I was, and always have been big on birthdays and festivals. I love making a fuss about them, I love getting gifts, throwing parties, cakes, good food....the whole package, and more. So, all my allowance was always carefully tucked away for the next big one. Ever since college though, I've been really reckless. No saving, no tucking away coins in a purse, just here and now, here I come- kinda spending.
Last year, I worked for 3 months - savings of which happily contributed to my sedentary life at home, and Now for the past few months, sans savings (Birthdays are once in a year !!!) , I've been very happy. So now, here I am, almost 7 years after the last time I planned my money down to penny, and the feeling is just great. It's something of a secret thrill when you're deciding on how far you will stretch that penny, prioritizing, making sure there are back ups available, looking for route of least resistance, without having to compromise on the plan of maximum fun!!!

Which brings us to that second feeling :)
Do you remember, making plans when you were a kid? Not the life plans, the silly ones...the vacation plans, the retirement plans and so on... Do you remember planning them down to the last detail? Even though it was something that 'might happen in the future'.
This was one of those plans for me. To take a back pack, have a fun destination in mind. None of the major details like travel and stay arranged (when we were kids, those things just took care of themselves! SO I'm gonna let it be this time too). With the perks of this generation and adulthood.
This to me, is like a childhood fantasy which is going to be brought to light in brilliant techni-color! Seriously, how cool is that?!
I've already made my list of places to visit. My camera fully charged. My notebook picked. All I'm waiting for is for 3 more days to run !!! Then weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee !

As for the budget, I'm still budgeting :P
But no compromises :D

6 days to pay day:

After writing that post, I realized that there are a few more factors which influence feeling number one. Widening options. Another perk of adulthood, one which I'm forgoing because of principles.
Third option: Your friends earn too.
(And some of them are either better at the saving thing or don't have whacko un-plans like me :P)

So my Guru (one of my best friends ;) ) reads this post and offers a loan.
Then... I know I don't normally do this, but this time, it just fits. God sensed my predicament, (He probably reads my blog too ...hmmm...) and decided that he's gonna step in as my best friend. My dad comes home yesterday and goes "Aunt (who had come visiting for the weekend) wanted me to give this to you so you can get clothes or something, she didn't have time to shop na, so"
I was staring at him with wide open eyes for a long moment, that he went 'if you don't want it, thats fine'.
"I want it! I want it! (Oh you have no idea how much :P "
So now here I am, POST shopping spree (Yes sir, I did it :D) with no financial trouble because I'm budgeting, and God stepped in :D :D :D

While I went shopping, I got a jacket for the trip too! 2.5 days !
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Kick that bucket !!!

2011-05-16T17:47:00.001+05:30

Sometimes, saying exactly how you're feeling. As outrageous as it might be. To someone, who doesn't give you pity but just listens and encourages you to continue.
Motivates you to do those crazy things you claim to want to do (read suicide, run away from home) can be just the thing to get you back on your feet grinning :P

P.S. : Thank you :)

Things I'll never say

2011-05-14T10:14:00.003+05:30

I suck at convincing people.

Things I can never say / Pull off saying convincingly:

Do this because it matters to me

Pick me

Don’t leave me alone

Stay

Don’t go

Come with me

You matter to me

I care for you

You’re very important to me

And the one thing I know I’ll never ever be able to say on my own

“I love you”

There’s this friend of mine. At any part of the day, she randomly picks up the phone, calls her boy friend and says “baby, I love you”. I envy her. Not because I don’t have a boy friend. But because I can never pull that off.

Somewhere inside me, I have a belief that’s firmly lodged, that says that I should never influence what others think of me as.

So, those things I'll never say, because I still don't know how to say it like I mean it. Not because I don't mean it, but because I'm so scared inside of the rejection. So the tone they come out with is, at best sarcastic, ranges till a complete give -a-damn-about-you-answer tone.

They might mean the world to me, but unless I know that he/ she feels that I at least mean a continent to them, those words will never escape me.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m maniacally insecure. How bad can rejection be? Pretty bad.

Though, a rejection to ‘I like you’ hurts soooo much lesser than a rejection to an ‘I love you’. At least you haven’t barred your soul, and out your heart out on a platter for them to squeeze the blood out of it, and leave it there shattered. A rejection to an “I like you” might have hurt because you had loved the person after all. But, on the upside, the person who rejected you doesn’t know if they cracked it or shattered it. I can cheerily say “I’m fine, relieved actually” wait around till they are far away, and pick up the pieces when I am alone, and nurse it back with chocolate.

Commitment – Companionship – best friend for life – Someone who’s got your back - Loving someone with all your heart – Loss of privacy – Rules – Expectations – Marriage - Sex – Sharing a bathroom – Pregnancy – Child birth – Not knowing if love can die out: Out of all these things, I’m phobic too quite a few. A the line differentiating what I’m phobic to, what I’m scared of and what I want out of that blurred because of the duration of the phobia. Now I’m left with a ready remedy to any heart break: ‘You’re phobic anyway, so why bug the poor guy’, same rule applies to any guy who falls for me. I push it away before he says ‘love’, and quietly fall back into the shadows.

So, that’s the deal behind it all. My clumsy social behavior. I wonder if I’ll ever figure it out and work it out.

Till then, those are things I'll never say.

Science Vs. Art

2011-05-14T10:14:00.000+05:30

Surgeons, I heard are taught not to feel anything for their patients, the minute they step into the OR. It has to be all clinical beyond that point. Sterile. You go in, cut, locate the problem, incorporate the solution, suture, close, leave.

As much as I tried, life can’t be dealt with, in the same way.

I tried. Take a problem, dissect it, analyse it, till I understood cause and effects. This is quite easy. If there was anything I perfected in my 3 years of studying Psychology, it was this. Being completely clinical: Best way to understand self. Even relationships.

There was a slight problem there. You can only be so clinical as to understand what the problem is. Like from MRI, CT, ECG results. They’re clean and clinical too. Only problem is, with life you can just cut, remove the problem and suture under completely sterile conditions. You can only understand. The treatment is never that simple. Sometimes long and complicated. And many a time, TIME itself is supposed to be the healer. That requires a lot of patience, especially because you never quite know in what stage of recovery you are for sure. And there are so many things happening at once. Old problems being solved, new ones being created (:P) and some in the process of being healed.

Scientists can explain the world. But only artists can give it a soul.

And right now, I’m looking for a way to wake the artist in me!

The scientist in me kinda bored her into a coma :P

Alone

2011-05-12T11:45:00.000+05:30

"I'm not alone in feeling alone"

- Does that make a lonely person feel better ?!?!?

Birthday Review

2011-05-11T14:54:00.001+05:30

~~20. HP mini notebook~~ (My Birthday gift to myself :P )
19. I pod nano
~~18. Head phones~~ (Found a new one in my gizmo cupboard o.o)
17. Helmet (small)
~~16. High strappy footwear~~ (Double Thankoo Nikster!)
~~15. Trip to some place nice~~ (Goin in the end of this month)
14. Salsa classes
13. Casio
12. Piano classes
11. Denim Black Jacket.
10. Snickers bar(s)
~~9. Cho pie~~ (Bestest mind reading friend!! )
~~8. Chocolate ice cream instead of cake~~ (garnished with loadsa chocolate sauce and nuts) (Made - By the best sister in the World !!!)
7. 23 candles
~~6. Red lays party pack~~ (Almost for Lunch !! :D - again best sister in the world )
5. new big dangly ear rings (silver/ black)
4. Super man tee shirt
~~3. Balloons~~
2. Flowers (gerbers/ or any big, brightly coloured flowers)
~~1. Social Psychology by Baron and Bryne, 11th Edition~~ (Merci Mr.G)

Oh well.
I did get a few things I always wanted - A silver clutch
Hair Curlers
Things I needed: Net book sleeve

Basic point: material things mean squat in deciding how good or bad a birthday is, they contribute, but small amounts.
Though, some flowers would'v always been nice :P

Thank you to all those who made my 23rd memorable !
Big hug :)

Twilight

2011-05-11T13:29:00.000+05:30

Twilight ...can be the most beautiful or the most discomforting part of the day.
In a typical story book twilight, I would mentally find myself sitting at the porch stairs, watch the sky turn from orange, pink...lilac,blue to finally indigo. As the thoughts run through my head. Reviewing all that happened, all that could have happened differently, all that shouldn't have happened, and all that should have happened.
A happy day is one where everything goes according to plan, or even better, there were no plans, and everything turned out well anyway.
My day yesterday was like that, till 5.30 pm.
Things I expected were happening beautifully, with a pleasant sprinkling of pleasant surprises. Meeting people. And so on ...

Then it turned into a not so great day when people, many people, started doing the one of things I really can't stand. You see, I have very very very few expectations from anyone. It works best in any one's favour. I don't like hopes. I don't like expectations squished like bugs basically. So is it too much to ask to not get me to expect anything? It's really simple. Too simple. For heaven's sake, So why go around saying "Of course I'm going to do it anyway!" and then squish the damn bug.
In the way (another thing) that I can't stand. Keep me waiting, don't update me. And then later go like 'Oh, sorry, I couldn't make it. I know you'll understand'.
You want to know what I understand? I understand that you take me for a push over.
And do you know what you don't understand? I might just be a push over, I might just hold on to you anyways, because I know you matter to me. But you forget that I'm Taurean. We have a lot of patience. Till a certain limit. And for some of you, you might never realize it, but that limit was crossed yesterday
That's part of growing up isn't it? Knowing where to draw the line.

I heard somewhere that boundaries you draw don't exactly keep people out, but rather. box you in. That is true.
It's also true that some lines are not circles around yourself, but just a line you draw between yourself and somebody, to keep yourself safe. When you don't feel so secure with them anymore.

I learnt that the definition of a friend is someone who accepts all your quirks and craziness, and likes them and you because of what you are. I learnt that people who have problems with your choices, which never actually affect them can never truly be your friends. I friend is someone who not just accepts your choices, but understands why you made them. Even if the reason is "For the fun of it" - there's a lot of understanding needed there.
Sometimes, though it might seem that defining it means finally deciding on your stance with a few people, and its not the easiest, you got to do it any way. Because, deep down, or not so deep down, you always knew it, and you were just deluding yourself anyway.

I learnt that some people are worth waiting for, because they would turn up in the end. And for some, its not worth it, because you'll just get an excuse in the end. If you're lucky enough. I also learnt to differentiate between the excuses which are worth believing, and those that are not.

Calling back - as d'uh a concept as it may seem, has a lot of meaning attached to it.

These are not things that I suddenly realized one day. These are things I've learnt over 23 years. These are things I am finally old enough to accept - take a stance on.

The day continued on well, I got many of the things I wanted. Somethings I didn't know I wanted.
And when I got up from those porch stairs and walked back into my home, I had a smile on my face.
Yesterday was my 23rd Birthday.

She

2011-05-07T21:10:00.002+05:30

Nothing mattered to her anymore.
The little things that still did, she wished that they would stop mattering too. Before even that is ripped away from her.
'The emptiness is killing me' she used to laugh at clichéd over exaggerated sentences like that. Not anymore. Not when she was this close, this close to ideating suicide. She thought that was most cowardliest thing people could do. How could they just give up on themselves and everything around them? Now, she felt like she understood. It wasn't giving up. It was instead a desperate need to feel something, anything... other than the hollow emptiness inside. The need to feel fear, or to find something that mattered, hoping to be driven to stare at it right in the face: a purpose.
She'd been looking for that a long time. She knew. Since April 12, 2007 to be exact.
The only hope she was clinging on to, the what seemed sometimes as the only source of anything worth living for, stared at her in the face and said that she was smothering her. That she wanted to hate everything that was recommended to her by her. She could have just driven a knife right through her gut, and it wouldn't have hurt so much.
She thought it was over. Over when it started. Brief. She thought, hoped with everything that it was just because of that one episode with him. And she believed it was. Now, with that cleared, she wasn't sure anymore.
The whole world... so many people and she can't think of one person she could cry to. Not one.
Yet ...
Yet the tears won't stop flowing sometimes. She finds herself shedding tears, and have the tee shirt drenched before she even notices that she's crying. Left alone to herself, now more than ever, music blares and she cries, and screams with towels stuffed in her mouth. With no exact reason she can explain it with.
Curled up on the bed, an urge so strong to find a corner on the floor... and staring at the blank floor, willing it to open up and consume her. Press her sides, so she knows its not just complete dark emptiness within.
Her head feels heavy... and she tries to ensure that that the sitcoms don't stop, cause if they do, her brain will have nothing else to think of, focus on, other than the nothingness.
She doesnt cry for her mother when she cries anymore. Doesn't understand why.
Impulse buys, cruising through what seemed like an endless number of shops, junk food, chocolate, nothing seems to take the pain away. Initially, things like that would keep her going for a month at least. If she focused just on them, hard enough. Now, it doesn't help more than a day. And she's run out of options.
She found herself sitting and considering how it would feel to run a blade through her hand ...just on the surface. Last time I checked, she ran a mile looking at a needle.
Dunno which side of her family it came from, but the acting genes are somethings she's ever so grateful about.
Cry for an hour, get up, wash your face, wipe it dry, and open the door to what was her only hope. No one notices anything was ever amiss. There won't be any sort of smothering anymore.
Vampire diaries... Grey's anatomy... whatever, just keep it bloody.
Hoping to fade away.
Noticing bizarre comedy: Life right now feels like I just got waxed a while ago, initially it's completely numb. Then there is oversensitivity, your jumpy at the slightest touch- of anything. Because there's nothing left. Then you just go back to acting like how it was when you were numb.

And she thought she'll pull it all together before she turned 23- now that is good comedy.

A moment of life

2011-05-04T19:08:00.002+05:30

I'm an amateur photographer. My favourite subjects are clouds, trees, the ocean, and the sun. Though I would have loved to, I haven't started experimenting with the moon yet.
Last Sunday, I had one of my most satisfying photo shoots so far, and what was different about it? By some odd luck, my subjects this time happened to be turtles, horses, the guy riding the horse, a girl picking up shells, another girl carrying a monkey, flying pigeons, crabs and so on ...When I was clicking, I didn't notice the deviation from my normal point of focus. I went home, and as usual, uploaded it, showed it to my dad and sis, and picked one for my dad's wall paper.
I've always strangely associated my dad with the horse ... Rich and proud looking, but in reality hard working, and very very helpful. With a presence! So I picked the one with the horse for his wall paper.
Though we had considered the turtle, crab and the girl with the monkey too ..even a walking crow !
We were just looking it to make sure it looked good as a wallpaper when my dad asked us
"Guess what's special about this one?"
We came up with all the predictable answers ...
"Horse? The guy riding the gorse?The angle?The lighting?"
But he persisted
"What is SPECIAL about it?"
We'd given up by then... and told him that we had considered others, and even they were good!
He held on,
"So what was special about ALL of them?"
"Er.....animals?"
"True...but what about it ?"
"Um.....no idea...tell us !!"
"They're all alive!" He replied with a flourish ..
My sis and I just stared at him for a minute, then declared it the lamest joke ever, and left.

Later, when I was putting away my camera, and filing my photographers, something struck me. As much as I love the sunrise, and as much as the sky, the colours, and the brilliance of it amazes me EVERY TIME I go to see the sunrise, for that matter a full moon night at the beach or a drive along the coast ! I'd already gotten bored of clicking it. And this time, I enjoyed clicking after quite a while, only because my object of focus was not the sand, water or the sky. It was life!
A laughter captured, a little girl's excitement at finding a beautiful shell, a crab peeking, a horse looking at the sun, a little girl with a trained monkey looking in the horizon, having a faraway lost and sad look in her young eyes .... those or pictures that I will never get bored of taking! Because no 2 expressions are the same...

I find myself learning more and more, and growing as a photographer. I'm very excited at the prospect of exploring more into this field and finding my signature style. My unique style of capturing those moments and freezing them to go back to later.
Special Thanks to my dad for helping me in yet another way to discover something important!.
I realized that like with talking, even in photography I prefer a single point of focus approach. I'm not very comfortable with clicking bunches of people. There's so much to explore from a single person, a single look, eyes closing one second too long...A smile from a distance that can make the whole world fade away...
There's so much ..intensity in these things that it makes me uncomfortable with groups. So far. My interaction with the world is very similar. I'm learning more about myself as I journey through photography.
And, I'm loving every step of the way :)

Say Cheese ;)

2011-04-28T21:14:00.000+05:30

I thought letting go was difficult.

It was, but not that much.

Letting go is actually easy.

Its dealing with the void thats left behind

Thats difficult.

Shallow waters

2011-04-28T13:47:00.000+05:30

I was listening to myself speak to a couple of friends yesterday ...
One of them said "I don't understand why women have to immediately judge a guy by his looks...take a phone... chat with with him, then decide" I had to save face, so I said "a photo was all that I had to judge by", lame. he said whatever, and we talked about other things.
This bothered me.
So did the entire conversation, I had with him and my other friend ... it all sounded so shallow. Even to me!
Shallow: of little depth.
Shallow: lacking in depth of knowledge, thought, or feeling
Simple meaning.
What exactly would constitute for a deep person? Or just a deep conversation for that matter?
Talking about politics... things in general, with a little bit of passable knowledge about them... future plans and goals...current events?
Well, I'm not interested.
Just not right now. Future, is on pause for the next 6 months. Till the uncertainties clear out.

I chose to be shallow, because I'm just not into deeper meanings right now. If you want to have an in depth conversation with me, lets discuss Bipolar!

All this I know ... so I try my best to keep to myself... work, home. Talk to a few friends, read, not into books currently, blogs rather. Perspectives.
I'm also trying to find out the person I want to be... more specifically, things that make me angry. There are too few right now. And only my sister and my dad knows how to push those buttons. But in general, I don't remember the last time I just wanted to yell at someone. Is it an adult thing? I'm amazing at the agreeing to disagree thing. You have your POV, and I have mine. I neither expect them to be the same or want them to be. This is, unfortunately, making me seem like an un-opinionated person. I am not. I have specific views and opinions about anything I have considerable knowledge about. I just don't...can't thrust it on anyone else. Does that make me placid?
But I also see that I can be opinionated in some conversations. When it is one on one. And usually with my college friends, or people I met after school. With my school friends, I'm quiet. So much so, that if I talk normally, they wonder whats gotten into me. And on a more irritating note, they assume that I would just say yes. I don't. Its just that, when in a group, I listen to a conversation, and feel that contributing might colour the discussion. Many of my views are slightly extreme. And forgive me for not having an opinion on what kind of lip gloss suits what skin tone. I'm allergic to those, I don't use 'em, and I give a damn about what lip gloss would suit you. As far as color/ clothes is concerned, I feel its a unique expression. You gotta wear/ carry the color you feel most comfortable in.
OK, I'm just venting, and trying to say things I would've liked understood, on what might have otherwise been an amazing day.

So while I am at it, I might as well explain myself to the friend who asked about judging guys based on looks. FYI: I decide based on looks, religion, I've even caught on to a single sentence in a blog, a degree a person held, so on....Even the guys I crush on, myself. shallow? Might seem so. And its an easy way out. Real reason? I'm not ready for a relationship. It scared me. The hell out of me. Like someone wants to give me a nuclear reactor.
I am not looking for the perfect guy. I'm not looking for the best looking guy. I'm not looking for a super rich guy. I'm just not looking.
And when I do, if he can say to me

"I will love you no matter what.
I will try to understand you,
I will make you laugh,
I will be patient with/for you.
I've got your back"

That's all I will ever ask of him, and deliver too.
When I am ready for it. Or when whoever he is, can convince me that I'm ready for it.
So... That's that.

Why did I get orange shoes? Because I honestly think they're really cute! get off its case already.

I'm just basically tired of all the misconceptions people are hell bent on making about me lately.
And am too exhausted to explain.

I know this whole thing started because I said I felt shallow during a few conversations. That's fine with me.
The only things that interest me right now are my birthday, a HP mini, a trip I might or might not take, wondering if magic exists, psychology, Me and God (and for Pete's sake, that's personal, so I don't need your opinion on how it should be or shouldn't be), and shopping.
So there !

Call it shallow end, call it kiddy pool. Call it whatever.
I'd like to sign off by saying "Still waters run deep"
and quoting,

As a rule, I am very careful to be shallow and conventional where depth and originality are wasted.
Lucy Maud Montgomery

But for a certain lazy expression in his deep-set blue eyes, and that perpetual inane laugh which seemed to disfigure his strong, clearly-cut mouth.

Baroness Orczy (The scarlet Pimpernel)

Women

2011-04-27T17:01:00.001+05:30

The thing about women is, the most common of women can become a queen, and the most rarefied woman can become a maid…according to how she is treated by the person she loves.

True ?

Within the blink of an eye ...

2011-04-26T13:17:00.001+05:30

I went over to meet a colleague today to get more information on something. I was quite looking forward to meeting her again. She is one of those people who can talk a mile a minute, a smile that makes you want to smile too and knows how to make anyone feel like they belong. I've worked with her only for about 2..5 hours before. Real little time, but anytime we crossed each other, we always say a big hello of long lost friends, and ask our how are yous - as time permits.
Today she wasn't in ... and they told me who would be able to give that info and when. Right when I was about to leave, they told me that she had lost her husband to an accident, yesterday.
She had been married for just about a year's time... and in that 5 hours we had together, she had told me how he had wooed her in college, and how though she always liked him, never said yes till the end of their course, their fight with their parents, and how super sweet he was always. Coming to pick her up at night, waiting till she arrives to eat ... and now, he's no more.
About 2 weeks back, a distant relative of mine passed away. Brain tumour, diagnosed a week prior to her demise and she spent 2 days out of those 7 days in coma.
So quick. Gone.

Today, on my way to office, while coming down the bridge, suddenly all vehicles screeched to a halt, 5 meters in front of me. I managed to stop too, with good distance.

That's what I thought off when I heard of her husband,
Its scary ... my first reflex is always to call up my dad and sis and tell them how much I love them.

Then I always wonder... since things like this keep happening, should I live my life so big that everyone remembers how much fun I had, or should I live it so low that no one notices?

I don't know when, how or why we get so attached to life that giving it up becomes so scary ...
I hope his soul rests in peace.
And I think, I don't want to live it loud or stay low... I just wanna live it loved and love a lot :) That way, no matter how I live, I can go with no regrets.

If you love someone, tell them,
You might not get a chance tomorrow
If you have a crush on someone,
Hint at it :P
If you want to do something
And can do it now,
Do it. Right now.
If you want to cry,
Shed the tears so you can smile again!
I hope you admire the little things
I hope the sky always brings awe
I hope when you close your eyes,
You don't feel worry
And God forbid you do,
And your head feels heavy
I hope you have a shoulder to rest it on
I hope you remember to keep yours available too
And most of all,
I hope you love and trust like a little kid
Who hold on so tight,
With all its might
Even if its just a little finger,
That you have to offer.

On the swing ...

2011-04-24T22:14:00.001+05:30

I wanted to talk ...to someone... about anything....
Pinged a couple of my friends, and found myself heading here.
Its funny. I wanted to stop coming here so often, because of the reasons that drive me here.
But when I'm here, it feels so...comfortable... so right... somewhere I belong.
I want to believe that I am not a troubled...girl? woman?
Then I realize, I'm not, I'm just a normal girl, trying to figure her way out of this maze called young adulthood.
Its just another one of those days when my dad and I had a disagreement on something. But this thing is important. Its something that will determine a major part of my life, and I'd be damned if I don't decide this on my own.

When I was little, I used to think that when I turned 16, I'll have all the freedom in the world. I turned 16, and I found nothing much had changed. My mom still after me to "concentrate" when I study, I still had a curfew, and all the same rules applied.
So then I thought "Ah... it can't be 16, it has to be 18! That's when I become an adult after all" By then, I had my vehicle, that contributes a lot to freedom, but it was it ...you know?
Then I was about to turn 20, so I thought to myself, I'm entering the 20s, teenager no more, and I'm finally on my own... I wasn't. I left home, but I was still not on my own. Not even a little bit.
I finished studying, got myself a big job, in a different state, was staying alone, ... but I couldn't do it you know? As much as I still miss feeling completely in charge of my own life, I had to come back..
And now I'm here, Birthday in a few days... soon to be 23.... and I'm finally realizing, that growing up ...or rather... making my own choices, completely, might never happen... I live in a community, where my decisions will always have "conditions apply" attached to them. And very rarely will they be my own conditions.
That's fine with me... I understand that just because I wake up on my birthday a year older, might be to a significant age, but that's not gonna change a whole bunch of things. It might, at the most, contribute about 5% to the change.

So today.... I'm here again, missing her presence, and how she always tried to reduce the conditions applied to my decisions. My dad's doing a great job, but he's scared , I think, about having to do this on his own, so is trying too hard.
I wish she were around...
Its just one of those days, when I know with certainty, what I want out of life, and scared that I might not be able to stand up for it very long. Then again, here it matters. Too much. And he's the one who taught me to take responsibility for my decisions.
So mummy, please help daddy understand that I have to do this. Ten years from now, he'll understand, if not be super proud. For now, please give patience to wait, and a help him have little bit of faith in me.

PS: I found out that I still am someday's dreamer, but lately, I just didn't recognize the girl in the mirror because of how much I've grown up :)
Signing off
Still dreaming,
Imaginative realist.

Birthday List 2

2011-04-21T12:37:00.000+05:30

The second one
The scary one
My dream list :P

1. HP mini notebook
2. I pod nano
3. Head phones
4. Helmet (small)
5. High strappy footwear
6. Trip to some place nice
7. Salsa classes
8. Casio
9. Piano classes
10. Denim Black Jacket.

Hot..cold...lukewarm...freezing... sweltering....shivering

2011-04-20T18:09:00.000+05:30

Unsettled.
I thought the issue was resolved.
It was.
Only, it wasn't the issue I guess.
I'm still feeling unsettled.
Happy about my freedom.
But disconnected still.
I wish we had an option in life, like in scrabble.
Where we're allowed to throw away our complete set of letters
And get a brand new set.
If at any point of my time, I was willing for a complete
Reboot, restart, recycle
Its now.

Against all odds

2011-04-20T16:13:00.000+05:30

Freeze! Pause! Wait till I can catch my breath!

Have you ever felt like the whole world went on mute suddenly? Where everyone and everything around you suddenly became nothing more than a blur. And just one thing is crystal clear, but even that is not registering, not matter how hard you look at it? Forget the fact that even if heaven depended on it, it would've been difficult to tear your focus from that thing.

That's how I felt at 12.08 PM today.
Its one thing looking at ever '1 new message' and wondering if/ hoping it will be a certain some one's message. Its a TOTALLY different thing when it actually arrives when, in heart of hearts, I had given up hope. To the extent that I was already busily orchestrating how future 'bumping into each other' scenarios would pan out, and the smoothest way for me to deal with it and not make a fool of myself then.

So here I am, working, slightly bored, wondering if I should eat my lunch before or after the meeting that's coming up, and my phone buzzed. I picked it up, more than happy to have a diversion, and THAT is when it happened.

One line. One small question. Longest figurative pause ever!

I wouldn't say the last 2 weeks have been like a pause, they weren't, I was bumping along its ups and downs, felt it pretty well. The pause was those 2 minutes that I stared and the message, when it didn't register what it said, let alone thinking up and answer. Point was, it was there, starring at me, and I was starring back.

So... all the drama aside, guess its not Good Bye after all.
I am very happy that it didn't end. Very glad indeed :P

All said, I must also mention that something in me changed in these 2 weeks. He is no more my fall back person, nor my go-to person. He's just a very dear friend.

PS: After the pause, we spoke about it, cleared out the air, gave points of view, all that, about 4 hrs ago. Don't know how it will go from here. But I guess this friendship might just last, against all odds :)

Dear Sugie,

2011-04-19T13:41:00.000+05:30

Been a while,

How have you been doing?

I think of you,

But can't think of anything to say now

Life's been weird

And I see myself acting weirder

Its funny ..

Everything is changing

Baselines gone

I tried to hold on to what was

Had to let it go

I did put up a fight,

But no use

I tried to hold on to what could be

It seems beyond my reach

I couldn't catch it

I thought I was holding on to what is

But the scars from tugging on something pulling away

Too many things pulling away

Had loosened my grip

And I found that I wasn't holding on to anything

Not even God

Forget hope

I do whatever pleases me at the moment

I'm not completely lost

I am slowly picking up pieces

Broken pieces

That seem big enough

To amount to something again

I'm sowing seeds for the future

Just throwing them to the wind rather

Letting them go wherever

No energy to bother finding out

To exhausted to focus

Even my dad noticed

How indifferent I've become

To almost everything.

Maybe I just don't care

But I do :)

Funny thing

I'm not sad

Just a bit tired of deeper waters

And trying to wade through

Not knowing how to swim

One day I'll look back to this phase of my life

and think,

Funny, how I cud have been so hope-less

I long for that day.

Just felt like writing

I want to be understood

so someone will explain

So I can understand

Whats going on.

Good bye

2011-04-12T17:16:00.000+05:30

If I could make you turn around
If I could make you change your mind
If I could make you stay,
I would do anything in my power,
So things could stay this way

But when you turned around,
If you'd changed your mind,
you decided to stay,
And You stand there looking at me
What would I say?

For something to be said,
There was no need

You had left long ago
Step by step
I never saw you go
As time continues to flow
Without you, my boat I'll row

I can see now you were not happy here
I never let you go, only out of fear
I realise now,
I can't give away
That which isn't mine
I can't lose,
That what I never had

So I'll do the only thing I can do
I'll say Good bye
And wish you well.
My longest and dearest friend.

The storm is over now

2011-04-12T15:00:00.000+05:30

Or just beginning... don't know.
The past couple of days had been rough. Sorry, for acting like a two year old throwing a temper tantrum.
It was like something hit me so hard, that I was put in this giant bubble, where I couldn't feel anything, except I knew that something, if not everything was wrong.
I'm out of there, I know exactly what went wrong.
I had a friend. I lost him. Do you know what it is like, not knowing how important you are to someone you consider your best friend? That was the question that plagued me for the past 6 months. Words are empty, and actions speak epics. There was a lot of conflict there, so... when I said I wanted out, because he didn't care enough to remember a simple promise, all he had to say was 'fine'.
I told everyone that it didn't hurt, and I was fine. Or at least the 4 people who knew about this. But it did hurt, like someone was bludgeoning my heart, over and over again. Was I worth so little, that he could so carelessly dismiss me out of his life? I guess he did it a long time ago, and was just not saying anything to not hurt me, Or probably, since I know him better, to not get into a messy argument. So when I said I want out because he didn't care, he said fine. And when I said his problem was that he never held on, he was probably thinking "Why on earth would I hold on to something I don't want in the first place?!"
Sorry, he's a nice guy. Really nice guy. This is just my anger speaking.

Since I finally accepted that things between him and me are never going to be normal, or anything at all anymore, I cried..without knowing why, then tried to change every piece of my life I didn't like - trying to put the blame on that. Even to the extent of deciding to close this blog.
I don't think I will do it.
Thank heavens that this is so completely my space that I can decide to walk out, or stay in, and no one can accuse me of being confused/ fickle minded. If they want, they can. None of my business. Imaginative Realist is someone I can be anytime :) My darkest/ angriest/ saddest/ happiest/ craziest moments, I can come back here, and chill, or just figure my way out of whatever is bugging me.

This place, I realized is life a private cafe, where I can meet a friend, rant or rave, or just quietly discuss a new point of view. Or sometimes, sit quietly and look out the window, and look through my past.

I've calmed down. Meaning, I'm not numb anymore. On the downside, it means I have to deal with the million memories made over the past few years, and learn to file them away carefully without breaking apart every time. I've realized I don't have to do it all now, and I'm not alone. I have friends I can always fall back on. Though, I might believe I am all on my own, like some sort of island. Thankfully, I'm not. I'm a bee, who can go back to her community, anytime she's lonely :)

Bye honey ;)

I'm fine

2011-04-11T15:07:00.000+05:30

"I'm fine" is the biggest lie a person can accomplish easily in this world.
2 reasons.

The person who asks "are you ok?" doesn't really care about the answer, he/she just wants to know that he himself was caring and considerate.
We are conditioned to answer it "I'm fine"

Did you know that, at any giver point of time, you can completely start believing in something, just by saying that to yourself, in a convincing tone, and few deep breaths?
Try this: Take a deep breath, and say "I can become president", 3 times to yourself, and see yourself as the president. Chances are huge, that you can convince yourself that you can become president.
Same goes for 'I'm fine'. Just say that to yourself, and you'll believe it and go about life normally.

Pretending is an interesting thing. Its like so successfully lying to yourself. Helps you go about life so normally.
But one day, when you're sitting all by yourself, guards down, the truth might come stealthily from behind and hit you so hard, it will rock your very foundation. Because my friend, lying to others is one thing, but lying to yourself might protect you at some point, but when it strikes you, it comes down with full force, shoving you to the reality of how lonely and pathetic your life is that you have to lie to your own self to continue normally.

Why am I writing this? To stop myself from breaking down right here.

All my castles came crashing down on me.
I'm not fine.

Get. Me. Out.Of.Here.

2011-04-11T13:38:00.000+05:30

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The beginning of the end

2011-04-10T23:33:00.001+05:30

I've been writing for as long as I can remember. Dear diarys... Dear God,.... To Dear Toya (My imaginary elder brother) I've done it all. I started my journal close to the end of my school years.
I stopped writing in my journal, because the last journal I made (I always personalize my journals, before I use them) was with her sitting next to me, giving me ideas and telling me how pretty it looked. I'd barely used it... and I couldn't continue with it. It was then, that I also wanted to be heard, feel understood.

Now, I just want to understand.

In exactly a month from now, I will be turning 23.
Very symbolic an age, don't you think?
We're kids till 12, Teenaged hormones pumped adolescents till ...18? (Though, that phase was calm enough for me) Then 18 to 22, where we're given time to wrap up the craziness, get our acts together, practice adulthood a bit - and perfectly termed as 'Young adults', then 23 on, we're no more kids, no more excuses, no more tom foolery. Its the age we take complete responsibility for who we are, what we are, and no more expecting anyone to have our backs. That's where I'm headed. I don't know if I've got it what it takes, but it's D day, no more practice laps.
I ended one of the most important relationships of my life yesterday, something I never thought would ever end. Could ever end. The last word?
"Fine"
That's it. I guess that's all it was ever worth.
This time, I'm letting go. I've learnt the hard way, that the harder I hold on, the faster in leaves my grasp, like sand. The only thing now that I'm holding on to, in my whole life, is my dream of eventually having a career as a counsellor. I hope I never have to let that go. Time will tell.

When I opened my journal, after a long time today, I found him there. Far away, long ago distant memories, when it wasn't like how it was till yesterday. It didn't hurt me. I didn't want to cry.

In a month, this is not going to be my recluse anymore. This was, like many other things, an essential thing that got me through the most defining phase of my life. The part of my life, where I encountered various factors which made me or broke me. When they made me, I rejoiced here, when the broke me, I came here to gather the remaining shards. This place was sacred. One place I could completely trust to come back to. This is the place I was imaginative realist.
She was young and spirited, I wanted her to be like Anne, talk a mile a minute, gather life with her arms wide open, that part of me, I like to believe still is there somewhere, and will come to the surface one day. But for now, I don't feel imaginative, I feel like I've boxed her up, put her up in the attic to take out when the time is right.
All I can see, all around me is cold hard boring life, with no room for imagination. Calculative, speculative, scary, adult life. There were times when I needed to go to a quite place to feel grounded again, because my mind would just not stop wandering and flying to everywhere possible and impossible, but now, I feel like a dry rooted person who just stares bleakly ahead at the life that has been thrust into her hands, with a hard voice that's saying "deal with it". Not a challenge, which imaginative realist would have loved, but a command, which who ever I have become now, has learnt to take, with fewer and fewer protests. I have become a zombie. I have literally put my life on hold, till I can find a way to get out of this pit. A pit, which I can climb out one step at a time, in for the next 3... if I'm lucky 2 years.

I know... I like to believe, that eventually, one day, I will be someone I like, and love again. Right now, I hate myself. Almost. For letting them do this to me. Management was the WORST decision of my life. But I will pay the price. Deal with the person I've been forced to become. Deal with the resentment. And wait for the day I can hope again.
But this, is not the place for it. This was a beautiful place, which, when I leave, I wish I leave it with hope of a better tomorrow, if not next year.

There are no red fields with perfect temperature any more. There are green fields, which are drying out to a brown, and scorching fire, all the water I drink doesn't quench my thirst and the burn in my eyes just wont go.

Sea shore

2011-04-10T00:03:00.000+05:30

Just another house along the sea shore
High time the ticker stopped being sore
Worse things, very well it bore
Bring it on, I can take much much more
I'm not what I was before
I wonder what else life's got for me in store

Damn it.
Damn them.

I'm sick, I'm tired.
God, if you're there, please, I beg you, on my knees, just leave me alone for sometime.

Hiiyyyeeeeee !!!

2011-04-08T19:01:00.000+05:30

I'm back with the second post in the same day ! Nope, it ain't one of my confused phases :P
I glanced through my previous two posts, and it struck me why, when a really good friend of mine first read my blog a few months ago, she held my hand, apologized for not being able to get Tulips (My favourite flower) and asked "You're really hurting aren't you?"
I stared dumbstruck at her for 2 minutes, then laughed heartily.
She and I speak almost every day, laugh about the craziest, dumbest things, she knows all my worries, and yet, one night of reading my blog convinced her, a psychologist, that I was hurting inside. Its funny, how some words are more convincing that others.
So this post is for all those who read my blog, and happen to pass and care enough to worry about me, I'm not sad. Sure I hurt inside, but no more than any one else. You see, to me, writing is a way of figuring things out. When I'm confused, or when I'm sad/ angry/ irritated, especially those times when the exact source is not known to me, I write. Or rather, I used to write, and when I gave up my journal, I started blogging. Its my way of working through whatever is eating my brain right then. At the end of the post, I'm clear I've told somebody my problem. (A blog has that talent, because I write it, and post it out there to the World Wide Web, I feel like some one's listening, and its not my secret burden to carry), and I move on, quite happily, with my life.

So you know, those days when I'm blogging like crazy, 2 or more posts a week, those are my confused phases, otherwise, I'm out there living my life :D, and having a blast. So, if you're asking, 'So many posts lately, whats up?' Well, I'm in the most trying stage of my Young adulthood, where both the major developmental milestones are looming ahead like boulders, big ones, in the middle of the road.
My professional life and personal life see many people questioning, exclaiming or looking at it skeptically, me included, with no answers (or even clues!) visible in the near future. So 2011 is going to be a roller coaster, and I already know it, but hey! I bet you've been there or are there right now, or will get there too :P

I'm a happy person, figuring my way into womanhood, and having a loving family, and supportive friends seeing me through it! (Thank you guys) And enough of a girl left in me to appreciate every new Sunrise :D

Hugs and kisses y'all !!

Soul stealing depressions

2011-04-08T17:41:00.002+05:30

Soul stealing depressions, that phrase caught my attention today, I couldn’t seem to get it out of my mind. I wonder how that feels. Would you be crying a lot?

A friend of mine once remarked that I often hurt myself in advance to ensure that I’m not hurt when someone else does that to me. Weird right? Its just a control thing. Just about beating them to it. So making myself feel better is a lot lot easier, few steps.

You did it to yourself

Because you care about yourself

It might hurt a bit, but you just saved yourself from a lot more hurt

Life goes on

See, its done. Anytime you think about what could’ve been, you just don’t. So how is this related to soul stealing, you ask? I was jealous of her, and not completely for thinking up that phrase/ using it before I could. Rather because she could feel Soul Stealing Depression. What happens then? Do you want to cry all the time? Does the world come crashing down on you?

The closest I got to that, in the recent years, what when my friend told me he’s leaving the country for a couple of years. Even then, I was more scared, a lot sad, but not depressed …not enough to feel like my soul was stolen. I haven’t felt that way in… ever. That’s why I’m jealous. I have been, for years, anticipating the worst, preparing for it, and doing whats necessary to deal with the best, even before it happens, even if it were never going to happen. I became a cynic. A numb cynic, who, when something bad happens, all she has left to say or feel for that matter is “I knew it”.

I don’t want to be a cynic anymore. I want to be a true optimist. I want to believe I can fall in love. I want to know that I will miss a person when they are not around. I want to stop getting over someone even before I give them a chance. I want to wish and believe it might happen, without the words Yeah Right! running on a loop in my mind, and I want to cry.

Vanilla Twilight

2011-04-03T17:08:00.005+05:30

I rode back today morning, short stretch from a friend's place.. about 3 km.... I felt really free. Liberated. if only for then. For a while I wondered if it were just reactions that were setting in late. My body showing off its immunity. But no, that wasn't it. This was different, I really felt liberated, for a reason. With a realization. I don't know if I will ever use that knowledge, but this kind of thing, its always good to know. Fall back option.

It all started a few days back, like you might have read, when I found out that my best friend is leaving to a different country. No big deal... I mean, he's just leaving the country. Only, it is. He is, and has been one of best friends for close to 5 years now. At one point we were more but, things happened, luckily though, we are still best of friends. The closest, anyone outside of family, has ever got to me. Or the only person I've ever allowed, because back when we did become friends, I didn't have the fort around me, by the time it came up, he was already inside. That was fine, brilliant in fact. Life went on, with all its ups and downs. My fort was strong, and I could always go back and find him somewhere there. As we grew older, we both grew regrets. I think its the same one. He broke something precious to me, and I, unwittingly led him to believe something, which I stole away later. It wasn't revenge. Its just that one part of me, which still considers him a solid rock I could go back to whenever was given a reason to doubt. That's old news. Bottom line, he hurt me, I hurt him. but I couldn't live without him, he got me through a lot of times, made me plough through parts of my life, which, had I been left alone, I would've just struck my heels in, curled up, and never have left. He knew to how to reassure me, and how to calm me. When it mattered.
I liked him first, and I know his reciprocation was merely that, polite reciprocation. Maybe that's why, when he broke it, I didn't fight. And years later, when he said 'you always held on, and that's what I liked about you', it broke my heart to break his. I was crying inside, wanting so much to scream to him "why didn't you? was I not worth it? Did you need 2 years to realize it?". This is unfair to him, an essential part of the story is that, when he decided to break it, I blamed him for letting go. But I have an equal share of the blame for not fighting for it. For this reason, and this one reason alone, we are very wrong for each other. I am impatient and egoistic, and he's deliberative and egoistic - apparently a really bad combination, for a commitment. His patience and my imagination made us wonderful friends thought. And I don't think I'd be very wrong when i say that our mutual loyalty got us through a LOT of rough patches.
Good times and bad, we've been there.

Now he's leaving, and why am I so shocked? Because, Indian that I am, I know with too much certainty, that he meant it when he said he would be married within the next 2 years. Give or take 6 months. He's leaving now to a project that'll last approximately 2 years. So, he'll get back, get hitched, and live happily after. I am happy for him, for that part of the story. Just one question though.... what about me? Will I lose my best friend? First to distance, then to some stranger who doesn't even know him yet?!
Don't know... probably not to the first reason, the other though, absolutely no idea how people navigate through, what now seems a very complicated path of boy-girl friendship.

My heads been brooding over that for the past week, and at a stage of desperation, I took up an offer from a friend to do something I would never have.
I have a detailed set of rules, equations and guidelines which I use with great precision to live life in the most carefree, no strings (read ties) attached life as possible. And taking 10 shots of Vodka, was a big no no! The health freak that I am. But I did it, unfortunately, or fortunately, nothing happened. There was no "I'm feeeeelllliiinngggg haaappppeeeeee", not even the slight tipsy light headed feeling. Neither was it, luckily for her, a weep-o-rama. It was a normal sleepover, which was loads of fun. I'm not a virgin to drinking anymore!

So as I was riding today, feeling really liberated, I wondered if it were the vodka setting in just a tad late, but nope. What it was, was the exhilaration felt because I let go last night. I didn't live life by my rules. I let my hair down, kicked off my heels, and danced through the night! Literally.

It also made me realize that life isn't about equations. It isn't about obsessing over the worst possible thing that could go wrong. It isn't about being in control all the time. You don't drink and get drunk. A friend doesn't really walk out of your life when he leaves the country. Life is about surprises. Not always pleasant, but still, surprises that makes you want to take the next turn, even though I might be dreading if that's the place where part ways.
Somewhere along the line, in my efforts to get over past, I've been over obsessed with the future, planning it, and letting only those elements which I can absolutely predict stay in it. Now that one of the most important elements is going to the 'unpredictable' zone, I can't break down and say that's it! I've got to find ways to fight the odds.
We might part ways, but a few more turns later, we might just end up bang in front of each other! If we don't, we can pick up the phone, and find our way back to each other.

I'm sure I will be sadder than sad when he leaves, but hey you, if you're reading this, I am happy for you ! of course I want you to go on the best course possible!!! I like to believe that we'll end up sitting on the porch of one of our houses, far in the distant future, eating ice cream, and in all possibility, your wife to be might turn out to become a better friend to me ;) and watch your kids play, and watch the sun set into a pleasant twilight, after which I return home, with a smile on my face :)

And Nikster, thank you so much for having my back, BIG HUG! You are in many ways my inspiration, to learn to give trust more freely. You showed me how being busy being guarded wastes a lot of this precious life we have! Thank you Crossworder for indirectly reassuring me that distance won't means squat, to feel connected to a person.

PS: I do remember the night very clearly :P Shots 1 - salted rim ,2 - salt on the hand, with lime,3...4 when India won the world cup (yes you wont the bet with Dhoni's final 6! amazing prediction) 5...because some time had passed. 6 and 7 because I said pretty please, and you were great guru ;), 8 with Appy, 9 because 8 might be an unlucky number, and finally 10 because its my favorite number :) And certain other details too... something that started with cats and ;P you get the drift. HAHA :P

Love all of you guys!

Vanilla is his favorite flavor

Just another day

2011-03-31T18:58:00.000+05:30

Today was just another day.
I woke up, found I had more time to sleep... went back to sleep. Got up, ate breakfast, watched my sister getting ready for day, I got ready and dressed for work, packed my bag, cricked my neck, and got to office.
I worked, ate cake, did all the normal things....picked a fight with my friend, everything normal. So very normal.
I was happy. Not exhilarated, but I was happy enough.
Just any other day.
Until I found out.
I don't know how it would feel like, if I were walking along, on a street, quite merrily, waving to everyone on the sides, and suddenly fall right into a manhole. A hole that seems to stretch on forever like a black hole, and is so very dark inside. I imagine, it would feel like how I'm feeling now.
I didn't know what to say... still don't. So I stupidly said "Congrats".
The me inside is still in shock, lost, and desperately wishing she knew how long this gaping hole would stare at me.
On the outside, I smiled and did the work I have to do, and said all the right things a friend should be saying.
I tried cursing life, saying it sucks, but even that felt so empty. Life has sucked before. This wasn't it.
Having to feel happy for someone, for something you're cursing life for - Not a nice feeling.
I know I hate it, and if I were allowed to, and if I were with someone I knew would understand, I would have loved to crying right now... cursing life more for her cruelty and how unfair it is. But there isn't anyone I can cry to. No one will hold me and let me cry. And wail. And weep.
So, I'll try not to think about it as it eats my brain away.
And I'll pretend, to everyone who can see my face, that today, was just another day ...

Birthday List #1

2011-03-30T17:48:00.000+05:30

Its that time of the year, when Birthday fever starts again for me !
This year, it set in a tad early, but I'm not complaining :P
My primary birthday requests:

1. Snickers bar(s)
2. Lotte cho pie
3. Chocolate ice cream instead of cake (garnished with loadsa chocolate sauce and nuts)
4. 23 candles
5. Red lays party pack
6. new big dangly ear rings (silver/ black)
7. Super man tee shirt
8. Balloons
9. Flowers (gerbers/ or any big, brightly coloured flowers)
10. Social Psychology by Baron and Bryne, 11th Edition

Thats it for now !
List #2 will be out as and when its ready :P
I LOVE BIRTHDAYS !!!! :D
Mine the most :P

Down and under

2011-03-18T00:05:00.000+05:30

I don't know which wrong turn I took, or if they were many wrong turns, but I'm at the wrong place right now.
Every way that I think about it, I don't regret any of the turns I took, till the last one... the turn I made a few steps ago. I knew it was the wrong turn... It was a downward slope, is a downward slope... I stepped here with my eyes wide open. I knew I could take a detour... but, what I'm noticing, now that I am on the slope is that it's slippery, and I might, in all likelihood, miss the detours. The next assured detour is 2 yrs away, and the ones before that, I'm very scared I'll miss.
This road, is ridiculously alien to me. I have no idea what I'm doing here. stumbling away. Counting down that 2 done, 50 to go....
My best friend, who at one point used to know exactly when I was down, and what to say to make feel better, surprisingly woke up, but spoke only about getting back to sleep. Those days are long gone I guess...
I don't like talking about work.
Everyone seems to like where they are in life. I hate it. All I have is hope, that I am heading towards what I want to be. Taking the worst possible route to get there.... oh well.
Someone at work asked me today "What are you doing here then!?" I smiled, stuttered, and said "Learning"
If I had a giant life eraser, I would erase those years of MBA I did, purely so I could force myself out of my comfort zone, where I was going numb. I can see how it would have been, those 2 yrs.... if I had just stayed on... but, I see it from here. From there, I guess it wouldn't have gone as I see it now. But, I've paid my price for the ride. Still paying. Hope those debts get cleared fast. Hope I can be on level ground again...

Hope is a funny thing .... there are a gazillion things on this planet, and a million gazillions more around it... yet, we humans rely on the one things that is not there. Hope. A vision for the future, because the present needs modification. A figment of our imagination keeps us going better than anything else.

Imagination of the future, for the future... but right now, I'm looking back.

I'll be there

2011-03-14T17:30:00.000+05:30

Come stop your crying, it will be alright.
Just take my hand, hold it tight,
I will protect you from all around you,
I will be here, dont you cry.
For one so small, you seem so strong.
My arms will hold you, keep you safe and warm,
this bond between us cant be broken,
I will be here dont you cry..

Just look over your shoulder,
I'll be there-always and always

Phil Collins: You'll Be In My Heart

He nailed it...

;)

Midnight allure

2011-03-12T02:04:00.000+05:30

Aren't nights beautiful?
When I close my eyes, it feels like I'm in a pool of black silk... the feeling that can be felt only at nights...
It makes one poetic almost :)

She was part of the night
Her walk was so slow
Her skirt that trailed behind,
Caressed the wind that blew
She was a hugging herself...
A smile tugged at her lips
Her gaze wasn't exactly fixed
Did she belong to the night?
Or did the night belong to her ?!
One couldn't really tell
In her magic, you just fell
She walked on
Seemingly without a care in the world
Time
Maybe it stopped, may be it turned...
It seemed too trivial to matter right then
Waves washed away her footprints
Like even they wanted to guard her secrets
Some thing made her turn
The same thing made her laugh
I didn't know butterflies were awake this late
She didn't chase it
She just watched it fly around her
and then fly away
Her smile was now full blown
Pity, wishes couldn't make time pause
Right at that moment.
For forever.
I hadn't realized I'd stopped,
till she started walking again.
Slower this time
And somehow sadder
The smile was still there
But the eyes seemed burdened
What passed through her thoughts,
During those few minutes
I wondered
Then her eyes smiled too
I guess it was just a fleeting memory
Of a distant past
Unforgotten, yet lost.
She walked on, with a determination
And a bounce in her step
I followed no more
I just stood there... just stood
The waves gently touched my toes
Telling me to break from the trance
I could still smell the roses
Part of her fragrance

She didn't belong to the night.
The night didn't belong to her.
She wasn't even part of the night.
She was the night.

When I wrote this, in my head, I was at the ocean, there were no stars in the sky. I was sitting where the waves could tease my legs, but not come closer. The breeze was gently singing her song, and night was all around me :)
Is all around me...