When we're 16 to 19
Falling in love is like a reckless dive. We give it our all - heart and soul.
Though it is a time when we're learning to define ourselves away from our parents, Love at that time is more of a support system than a defining factor. It's our first step beyond the boundary.
At that age, it's beautiful, it's completely for the present, and almost like there ain't no grey.
The heart is given a free reign.

When we're young adults - 19 to 30
A time of life when almost everything is about the future. Love is too.
We evaluate people based on how well they will be a match for us, and how good a company they would be in the future. We don't want to give it our all, but most of us wouldn't have perfected restraint in a relationship. Because of that, it is passionate.
It is a war between the mind and the heart.
For some, the mind rules. For some, the heart rules. A rare precious few find the perfect balance. The rest just waddle in the pool between one end and the other- often taking many laps.

When we hit middle age
We've found stability... if not in our lives, at least mentally.
Love isn't a want, just a basic need. It doesn't have to be passionate, companionship means more.
Restraint is perfected with or without practice. It isn't about the past, present or future exactly. It is more about one's understanding of one self, over his past and present. Evaluations of the future is not about - will my partner contribute to it or hinder it, rather, will my partner fit into it.
Here, the mind rules the heart. They learn the balance between themselves.


And then there are some others like me, to whom love is a book or a video, read or watched, enjoyed from a distance, for the amusement they provide. And maybe dreaming of a someday when the umbrella is held over two heads instead of one.

Desperation

I want a surprise gift!
That's all I really want.
It doesn't matter if it a funny looking pencil or the most gorgeous shoes ever. I don't mind!
I want a gift :(
It's been so long since I got one :(
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa


Author's Note: This is not a joke!

Of Jealousies and Irritations

So this post is a rant fest. Of two things, one much more that the other.

First one: (Which is the jealousy bit)

My friend has gone to South Korea! And he has already seen an idol band there!
Okay, you know I'm into kdramas, and most of my current celebrity crushes are from there right? So someone I know actually getting to go to that place I've come to know so much about made me real jealous.
Not to the super jealous level though, because all said, I am really really really chommal chommal happy for him. He has earned it, and completely deserves it. The sweet heart even had to go through a major stress jam session till the day of his departure because of his visa. Also, I wouldn't want to go to Korea, or any of those countries famous for their fashion until I have like a humongous bank balance with which I can splurge.

Now that I admitted my little jealousy, moving on!

Second one: (Obviously the irritation one :P )

This is the big one. I have been trying, and failing miserably to not let a photo bother me. I have these few friends (...?) from school, whom, I admit I am not very close to. Yet, we have dinner and catch up occasionally. The other five (and one) are much closer to each other. They are more like proper friends. And I am? Chincha mulla.
So you see, it never bothered me too much that I wasn't emotionally close to any of them. I have friends from other walks of life, with whom I was able to connect better.
Yet, they call me for dinner - which they plan together, and come after hanging out at some one's place. A few months back, I saw an FB pic update of five of them at an airport together. Dunno which, where why. I wrote it off, saying they didn't call me because it was probably not this city. Today, I see another pic update of four of them very much at the beach in this city. Two or three weeks back, when I was here as well.

I am not irritated that they didn't call me to the beach or even inform me about it, I am irritated as to why they call me for those rare dinners?!!??!?!?!?! It just does not make sense to me! I go because I like those people. I may not like them as friends, but I do like them as individuals. Should I not go here after? Cut it off completely and spare everyone the trouble?

Again, no idea! I don't even feel like the kid I used to, when I was around them. Now its just honest confusion.

I remember once, long ago...four or five years ago when I raised this issue. I think it was when I was just finishing my bachelors, or starting my masters. I wrote a long e-mail to them stating that I felt like an outsider, and that they weren't including me. I was probably in the height of adolescence, when belonging mattered. They all had a discussion over it, called me and told me 'how could I even think such a think. Why was I treating them like third parties... you get the drift. They basically told me it was all in my head.

Now, I'm sure they can't say that. We're not children anymore either. Three of them are married, one engage...

This is, I like clarity. Whether we're friends, or not. I have a few friends whom I don't talk to for years, and then we meet and we're as close as ever. This is not that. Especially if they're meeting without me all the time. So yeah, we're either friends or not friends. And right now, the indicator is definitely towards the not friends category, but we all are weirdly pretending otherwise. Even that pretense is now straining.

How weird would it be, if I called one of them tomorrow, the only one I'm comfortable with (Who even sent me a good morning text today) but is also the core of the group, and went:
"Hey dude, I know we're not emotionally attached. You and me, me and the group. Can we just call it quits, because this is getting too weird for me? And when we do, can you not bitch about me to my back? We can be people who smile at each other if we bump into each other, and I'll invite you for my wedding."

Actually, there was another girl who was my really good friend for two years at school, before we had a major fall out. I bumped into her at a mall, and we had a small chat. That was fun, I even went to her art exhibition after that!

Sadly, they're the only ones I'm in touch with from school, apart from my one wanderer best friend. So if I cut them off, it'll be like I am cutting off almost everyone from my school days. How weird is that for ten years spent in one place. 40% of my life, my entire adolescent phase so to speak!


Sad isn't it? Especially all the more so, since my other really good friend has been raving about getting back to being best of buddies with her school gang recently.

If only I had my present attitude at school, or I had realized back then that I am not a group kinda person, I only observe people in groups and talk only when it is one to one or two at the max, then my school life might have been saved. keke. No worries though, it was a fun place to live in with tons of drama!

Aigoo... adulthood is so complicated. Female groupism is even more complicated!

I think I'm done ranting. I might call her, or decide that I've had enough "Complete clean closure" for the moment, and focus more and wrapping up my book like I should be doing!

Annyoung :)

There's a song... no story that's inside my head

I know I keep saying that I ride every emotion I have
Right now though, I don't know how I feel
Mellow?
Probably the result of a day that started with the sunrise at the shell filled shore line, and went on to meet twilight with a sub, a friend and some Italian fresco ... and has been on one gentle emotional melancholy since then. Three hours since then.
I haven't finished the book. I thought I had, but I've finished only one angle,forgot two others in the happiness of finishing one angle. No worries though. As I rode to the the beach (pillion) this morning, in the crisp dawn air, it all started falling into place again. So there is the story inside of my head.
One silly little boy helped with another story as well.
When there are no strong emotions riding you, the night is a beautiful place to be.
I think the night is like the sea. When it is calm, it's the best. But when it gets rough, run for your life.
Recent events had me avoiding the night for a while. I've been sleeping early, and studiously avoiding any encounter with after-11s like a girl avoiding her crush in the hallway. I met the night with all the fury unleashed, and boy was she scary.
I've ventured back here though... unable to stay away I guess.
Am I scared? Not right now.
Am I cautious? Completely. Not yet ready for human contact post 11.

It's nice though, the peace. The story in my head, people walking around deciding what they would do, in that little world I created.

I'm slightly hungry too. And I smell pudding in the air... I wonder if they had just that for dinner, when I was away enjoying mine. Anyway, after all my crazy mood swings, I think I'm finally back to almost stable again.

Resolutions? Working on them.

Hope your life is happy and peaceful.

Loads of love,
Night owl once again,
Yours always,
Someday's Dreamer.

The A-social Me

I can't reach my cousin, her fb profile is deactivated
And I didn't even know
It was her birthday
Till twenty minutes ago

For noticing too late,
Am I a bad person?
Or just an asocial one?

It suddenly struck me today that my sister has a gorgeous smile
She has a chem exam tomorrow,
So with the naughty I-have-no-idea-what-I'm-going-to-do-tomorrow look
On her face, I saw it prettily all day grow

For noticing too late,
Am I a bad person?
Or just an asocial one?

Something had been troubling my friend

Again I didn't know

To her a ear, I didn't lend

I repent some more

I'm missing out on tiny little things in life

Things I should be keeping up with

But for that, I don't seem to strive

For noticing too late,
Am I a bad person?
Or just an asocial one?

The Last Lap

"Idiot"
That's the last dialogue I've written. It marks the end of the chase.It's the climax... it's when a door is finally open.
Through my window, there's the best smell in the world seeping through, teasing me. Thunder and lightning had started about an hour ago, a drizzle had danced ten minutes ago, and now it's pouring.
Just like the chase is the most romantic part of a romance, and the last lap, the last stretch when the ribbon is in sight is the best part of any race. Sometimes even better than dashing through it I think, especially if the race is against yourself.
It'll be done tomorrow. They'll find their way tomorrow. They won't need me anymore. Bittersweet? Totally. Regrets? None whatsoever.
Did the book serve the purpose it was supposed to serve? I think it did... or at least gave the solution, if not implement it. That's pretty good work for a few people who were born out of the imagination.
I loved it in the beginning, when it was just an idea baby in my head, and I love it now that it's grown into something marvellous. I don't know if anyone will like it... but I will love it the second it is completed. Because when it is, it will probably be the first thing that I complete in my adult life. Over - Dramatic? Well, the mood is perfect for it. I'm so glad its raining now :)
I'm so glad I started what I did. I hope it ends well!

Wish me luck :)

Of filled cups and empty ones

I wrote all day today. Not my usual 2000ish words, but a solid 8000 at least, plus putting together a whole load of bits I'd written earlier. If I have to describe my day in three words, it was intense, exhilarating and exhausting.
Till now, I was watching them and writing about them. Today, I was living it, in them.
My eyes hurt, my head is marginally throbbing, but I can't even make myself sleep. My brain still feels like it's living in their world, so I've come here, to write more, and to get out of that world.
Everything feels a bit stronger at the moment.
I was just listening to a song - "It's all coming back to me now". A song originally by Celine Dion, but I was listening to the glee version.
I consider Celine Dion as the godess of voices. I have long stopped questioning how a mere mortal human can have such a range in her voice, and deliver emotions with just a word. I love her and her voice, and just adopt awe when I listen to her.
So when I heard this girl from glee, deliver the song with almost the same power as the godess herself, I was in awe again.
A cyclone hit us yesterday, it was beautiful. The day was complete perfection. I don't think I've enjoyed a rainy day as much as I did yesterday in a long time now, and oh the wind! Even a ship was washed ashore - how brilliantly story book-y is that?! :)
Just a bunch of random stuff ...
It was halloween yesterday, nice day that.
Sweet November now.
It's my grand pa's birthday tomorrow, and my dad wants me to finish the book tomorrow.
Will be able to? I just might!
Wish me luck :)
Muah!